december 5.2003 • Ju s t o « t 23
Little queer labels
o one seriously thinks that people’s per-
finalities can he summed up with Type
A, Type B .... So why should we seriously
believe that people’s sexuality can he summed
up hy gay, straight and hi?” says Williams.
“I luman personality and sexuality are too com
plex for labels. Leave the labels for the psychia
trists, who use them to make generalizations hut
who know better than to believe they are real,
closed systems.”
Daly agrees it’s dangerous to categorize peo
ple. “T he queer community runs the risk of
cleaving too strongly to the categories that have
been imposed on us— we don’t need to divide
ourselves against ourselves.”
She adds: "1 feel very muddled about the
whole ‘tag’ thing. Honestly, I think what it feels
like is like what I felt hack in 1997 [when Daly
fell in love with her partner, Scott)— that I’m a
lesbian who is in love with a man. I’m not try
ing to make a political statement hy saying that;
I’m trying to just he very honest about some very
delicate feelings.”
Not only did she feel then that she was dri
ving a wedge between she and her lesbian
friends, hut she also hated the sigh of relief from
particular relatives when she retracted her les
bian identity and came out as hi. And she says
she suffered from internalized hiphobia, a very
real condition for many gays and lesbians. “For
me,” Daly says, “evolving into being bisexual
has coincided with a general sense of wanting to
move beyond external definitions of myself.”
The problem with categories, says Williams,
is “one can feel threatened hy those outside the
categories. Straight people feel threatened by
the idea of queerness. Queers feel threatened hy
the idea of mutable sexuality. American culture
is obsessed w ith.. .either you’re straight or you’re
queer. Either you’re male or you’re female.
Either you’re for us or you’re against us.... It’s
absurd.”
Parker believes that instead of doing away
with categories, it may he time to find new ones
within the sexual minorities community to alle-
viate some of the burden that bisexuals carry,
When many young people experiment with
same-sex attraction and in turn flee when they
get in over their heads, they hurt a lot of gays
and lesbians in their path of self-exploration.
' “Perhaps these experiences leave a mark
that— as we get older—doesn’t really mature. It
happened to me on more than one occasion,"
says Parker. “Perhaps a new label should be
developed
for
these
individuals— how
about.. .youngbian.. .or considersexual.”
Parker jests, but her quip suggests some peo
ple may use the term tix> lixisely, giving bisexu
als a had name.
cult for some to imagine that perhaps they
have figured it o u t...and ‘it’ is bisexuality as a
sexual orientation.”
!
Laury Weiss is organizer of Portland’s Bisexual Community Forum— an all-age, gender-inclusive
hi interest group for people of all orientations
Her hi partner, Gina James, remarks: “1
can’t tell you how many dykes I’ve met that
believe bisexuality is just straight girls screwing
around and breaking the hearts of their sis
ters.... Many gays and lesbians resent someone
laying claim to their subculture when that
someone is in [the queer community) only
because they happen not to he in a heterosex
ual relationship at the time.”
]
The myths
attempt to dip my toe in the water to gauge
[my friends’) reaction to the idea that 1 may
be attracted to men. 1 continued to pursue
women, but 1 was also able to begin being
more comfortable and open about my same-
sex attraction."
Daly concurs that, for some, coming to
terms with one’s sexuality is no Point A to
Point B journey. “Some of the anger and mis
perceptions come from the fact that coining
M\t/i: A relationship with a bisexual is doomed
to failure.
When Parker first began dating James, she
was guarded. This was somewhat due to the pain
she felt in the deterioration of her prior rela
tionship, but also in part to how gays and les
bians view bisexuals.
“I certainly didn’t want to risk so much
again,” admits Parker. “I wanted someone
who knew who they were, sexually and other
wise. I didn’t want to be an experiment for a
young girl’s sexual boundaries. So, I was up
front about all of that when 1 met G in a, and
although she was bisexual, she was done
experimenting. I think that makes all of the
difference.”
Dillinger explains: “People who date
bisexuals run the risk, just as anyone else
dt>es, of having their relationship fail. Unfor
tunately, when relationships tail, one of the
first things we tend to do is kx>k for a place to
lay blame. W hen dating a bisexual, a failed
relationship sets up the perfect opportunity to
be hurt and/or upset about an e x ’s bisexuality!
But the reality is that the relationship will
almost never fail because Partner A is bisex
ual. If anything, the relationship will fail
because Partner B does not understand Part
ner A s bisexuality.”
Myth: Bisexuals lack sexual control and are
uninterested in monogamy.
“Polyamory is definitely more common in the
bisexual community,” Weiss acknowledges. But,
he adds, it doesn’t
reflect the entire bisex
ual community. Many
straight cmiples enjoy
polyamorous relation
ships, and open rela
tionships in the gay
male community seem
more prevalent than
exclusively
mono
— Gina James
gamous ones. Bisexuals
are just as interested and capable of monogamy as
everyone else.
uMany gays and lesbians resent someone
laying claim to their subculture when that
someone Is in (the queer community) only
because they happen not to be In a
heterosexual relationship at the time"
Myth. Bisexuality is only a rest
stop on the way to G ay ville.
“I think that we’re sometimes
perceived hy Igays and lesbians] as
being fence-sitters, being indeci
{ sive and unable to come out fully
j in our gay identity," says Laury
Weiss, organizer of Portland’s
Bisexual Community Forum, who has had
significant relationships with both men and
women. Fie says the truth is “we have our
own identity— which includes loving people
of the same gender.”
T he myth that bisexuality is not a destina
tion in and of itself is reinforced by some gays
and lesbians who use bisexuality as a step-
pingstone on the path to coming out as a
homosexual. Weiss says: "Many gay and les
bian people, myself included, have identified
as bisexual at one time or anoth er...in an
D a v id W . O w e n s
P . C . & strung A the community
S S O since C 1975 I A T E S
out is a process. It’s not like we all spring forth
from the proverbial closet as fully formed les
bians and gay men. Many people go through a
time of confusion or exploration where the
lines are all blurry," she says.
Many gays and lesbians have a hard time
understanding how bisexuals “can’t just make
up their mind," says Dillinger. “People strug
gle to understand and therefore find it easier
to just pass judgment and form an opinion
that ‘those darn bisexuals...they just need to
work through it and figure it ou t!’ It is diffi
W estover H eights
C
L
I
N
I
C
A ttorneys at L aw
Myth: Bisexuals can't he trusted because they
sleep with the enemy.
Dillinger believes sexual identity is immater
ial when it comes to trusting someone in a rela
tionship. Fie says: “It is important to distinguish
tmst issues from our own feelings and opinions
about human sexuality. Some gay men may kx>k
Continued on P age 24
O ffering general internal
medicine and excelling
in sexual health care
Serving Oregon, Washington and Colorado
2330 N W Flanders, Suite 207
503 226-6678
-
Serving the community for 17 ycaro
503 ° 224-3100
❖ FAMILY LAW
• Domestic Partnerships
• Formation & Dissolution
• Adoptions
• Divorce & Visitation
•> REAL ESTATE
• Home Purchase Reviews
❖ WILLS & TRUSTS
• Probate & Trusts
• Conservatorships
& Guardianships
• Advance Directives
BANKRUPTCY
• Advising Businesses
& Individuals
❖ SOCIAL SECURITY
❖ BUSINESS FORMATION
8 LITIGATION
,
• Corporations, Partnerships,
LLCs & LLPs
• Commercial Collections of
large accounts
❖ TAX ISSUES & APPEALS
w w w owens law com • 101 SW MAIN, SU ITE 700 • Portland, Oregon 97904 • Parting Validated
Magda D'Angelis-Morris, d m d , l l c
General and Cosmetic Dentistry
New Patients Always Welcome
Come in For Your Teeth Whitening
10422 N E Wasco St. • Portland, O R 97220 • 503-252-8170