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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 1, 2003)
Continued from Page 2 5 getting involved with someone who needed to undergo such a transformation in order to he fulfilled. According to Wolmark, significant others need support. “ I can’t emphasize that enough,” she says. Yet she is first to admit that there are not a lot of resources for part ners (see sidebar). “I needed support really, really badly,” Brenda notes. Although many people, including Sue, connect on the Internet or through organi zations such as Northwest Gender Alliance, Brenda says most of her support came through recovery meetings, “but certainly not from any one else who knew where 1 was coming from.” Ani says of Theresa: “For the first six or seven years of our rela tionship, she would sit in the cor ner at a party. Now, it’s hard to get her to leave a party. She’s much more expressive and open. It’s been wonderfyl getting to watch her blossom.” Stressors n addition to changing roles, other factors can cause stress on a transitioning relationship. Jam ie’s partner Joe (not their real names) lost his job due to what they believe was trans dis crimination. Because he was out of work, they decided this would he a grxxJ time for him to have breast reduction surgery. They borrowed money, depleted their savings and maxed out their credit cards for the $7,000 procedure. Joe legally changed his name and identification from female to male. But with this new identity that had no previous work history, he could not find a job. After almost a year out of work, they resorted to creating a fake resume with fake references. Joe has finally landed a job and is work ing toward paying off his debt. But the vanuerhurgn is working witn several clients stress of his year and a half out of work has from small towns. Many are moving to Portland taken its trill on their relationship. Joe strug- for a more accepting atmosphere. “ People who (»led with depression, and Jamie struggled to live in small towns resent the fact that they support them kith financially. Only recently have to move to the city,” he says. Sue and has Jamie learned of a support group for signif Angela are one such couple moving to Port icant others, something she wishes she had land, and they will both have to find new jobs. found stxiner. Another stressor is the process itself. Wolmark says expenses related to surgery can “Transition is a necessarily self-centered be a challenge for some couples. Most insurance process,” says Vander policies do not cover burgh, who is trans. the cost of surgery or "Transition is a necessarily “It’s like recovering honnones. “For many, the hormones and self-centered p r o c e s s . Y o u have from addiction. You have to put yourself surgery are an absolute to put yourself first if you're going first if you’re going to life-or-death issue,” she do it right. And that’s says. “But for a lot of to do it right. And that's really really challenging for partners, that might he challenging for the relationship. the relationship." hard to understand. of the couples They might think, what — Reid Vanderburgh had All some difficulty about buying a houseT’ around this issue. Wolmark also points Ani jokes that she dealt with Theresa’s self- out that all people need support when a partner centeredness by throwing tantrums. “ Intel is going to undergo a lot of medical procedures. lectually, I would understand,” she says, “but Partners need time to recover, and complica emotionally, I was like, yeah, your makeup tions can arise. Not everyone can afford to take Uxiks fine!” time off work. This is one instance when hav Another area of contention was how ing outside support is crucial. Children and families i neresa cnose to dress. “ I would ask her, ‘W hat’s up with the makeup and the high heels? You’re a radical, for Christ’s sake!’ ” Ani eventually came to understand that this is part of the tran sition. “Who knows if she’ll wear makeup and high heels five years from now? But right now it’s important," explains Ani. “These are the things she has come to identify as feminine.” Brenda says she initially had a lot to learn, including the difference between a cross-dresser and a trans person. It wasn’t until she and Devan attended an FTM con ference in 1996 that she realized the full implication of what was going on for him. Brenda spent much of the conference cry ing. “This was something I needed to deal with that wasn’t part of my plan,” she says. “My process would he a byprixluct of his process. That seemed so patriarchal again.” She knew Devan needed to transition to he happy. "It was a huge risk for me," she says of oming out to children and families is another source of significant stress on a relationship. “One thing that comes along with coming out is rejection. Not all families, friends and communities are thrilled,” says Wolmark. “A lot of times people expect that their families are not going to take it very well, but they can end up surprising you and he a really important support. Most of the trans people I’ve worked with have not had a really horrible time with their families.” Children’s reactions can vary, tix>. Theresa’s daughter, now 15, was told when she was 10 and has been accepting. Her one concern was if she could still refer to There sa as “Daddy.” She attends an alternative high sch(X)l that has trans youth, so she feels somewhat supported. “She’s done real ly well with a really hard set of circum stances," Ani says. Sue and Angela did not have it so easy. Angela lost many friends she had known for 25 years. Most of Sue’s family, with the exception of her two adult sons, rejected her after the news. She says she was fairly estranged from them anyway. Although Angela’s sister and parents tix>k the news well, her two brothers, who belong to fundamental ist religions, did not. They refuse to let Angela sec her nieces and nephews. “Even though the losses were not my losses, they were still hard,” Sue says. “ It’s been diffi cult because I watched my spouse go through a lot of pain.” According to Vanderburgh, children usually take the news well if they’re told before hitting puberty. He says it gets a little trickier during adolescence because youth are searching for their own identities. Wolmark suggests parents find an age- appropriate way to tell children. “ I’ve worked with too many people who have had Ref i nance Now! Lowest refinance rates in years! 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