Continued from Page 2 5
getting involved with someone who needed to
undergo such a transformation in order to he
fulfilled.
According to Wolmark, significant others
need support. “ I can’t emphasize that
enough,” she says. Yet she is first to admit
that there are not a lot of resources for part
ners (see sidebar).
“I needed support really, really badly,” Brenda
notes. Although many people, including Sue,
connect on the Internet or through organi
zations such as Northwest Gender Alliance,
Brenda says most of her support came through
recovery meetings, “but certainly not from any
one else who knew where 1 was coming from.”
Ani says of Theresa: “For the
first six or seven years of our rela
tionship, she would sit in the cor
ner at a party. Now, it’s hard to get
her to leave a party. She’s much
more expressive and open. It’s been
wonderfyl getting to watch her
blossom.”
Stressors
n addition to changing roles,
other factors can cause stress on
a transitioning relationship.
Jam ie’s partner Joe (not their
real names) lost his job due to
what they believe was trans dis
crimination. Because he was out
of work, they decided this would
he a grxxJ time for him to have
breast reduction surgery. They
borrowed money, depleted their
savings and maxed out their credit
cards for the $7,000 procedure.
Joe legally changed his name and
identification from female to
male. But with this new identity
that had no previous work history,
he could not find a job. After
almost a year out of work, they
resorted to creating a fake resume with fake
references.
Joe has finally landed a job and is work
ing toward paying off his debt. But the
vanuerhurgn is working witn several clients
stress of his year and a half out of work has
from small towns. Many are moving to Portland
taken its trill on their relationship. Joe strug-
for a more accepting atmosphere. “ People who
(»led with depression, and Jamie struggled to
live in small towns resent the fact that they
support them kith financially. Only recently
have to move to the city,” he says. Sue and
has Jamie learned of a support group for signif
Angela are one such couple moving to Port
icant others, something she wishes she had
land, and they will both have to find new jobs.
found stxiner.
Another stressor is the process itself.
Wolmark says expenses related to surgery can
“Transition is a necessarily self-centered
be a challenge for some couples. Most insurance
process,” says Vander
policies do not cover
burgh, who is trans.
the cost of surgery or
"Transition is a necessarily
“It’s like recovering
honnones. “For many,
the hormones and
self-centered p r o c e s s . Y o u have from addiction. You
have to put yourself
surgery are an absolute
to
put
yourself
first
if
you're
going
first if you’re going to
life-or-death issue,” she
do
it right. And that’s
says. “But for a lot of
to do it right. And that's really
really challenging for
partners, that might he
challenging for the relationship.
the relationship."
hard to understand.
of the couples
They might think, what
— Reid Vanderburgh had All
some difficulty
about buying a houseT’
around this issue.
Wolmark also points
Ani jokes that she dealt with Theresa’s self-
out that all people need support when a partner
centeredness by throwing tantrums. “ Intel
is going to undergo a lot of medical procedures.
lectually, I would understand,” she says, “but
Partners need time to recover, and complica
emotionally, I was like, yeah, your makeup
tions can arise. Not everyone can afford to take
Uxiks fine!”
time off work. This is one instance when hav
Another area of contention was how
ing outside support is crucial.
Children and families
i neresa cnose to
dress. “ I would ask
her, ‘W hat’s up
with the makeup
and the high
heels? You’re a
radical, for
Christ’s sake!’ ”
Ani eventually
came to understand that this is part of the tran
sition. “Who knows if she’ll wear makeup and
high heels five years from now? But right now
it’s important," explains Ani. “These are the
things she has come to identify as feminine.”
Brenda says she initially had a lot to
learn, including the difference between a
cross-dresser and a trans person. It wasn’t
until she and Devan attended an FTM con
ference in 1996 that she realized the full
implication of what was going on for him.
Brenda spent much of the conference cry
ing. “This was something I needed to deal with
that wasn’t part of my plan,” she says. “My
process would he a byprixluct of his process.
That seemed so patriarchal again.”
She knew Devan needed to transition to he
happy. "It was a huge risk for me," she says of
oming out to children and families is
another source of significant stress on a
relationship.
“One thing that comes along with coming
out is rejection. Not all families, friends and
communities are thrilled,” says Wolmark. “A
lot of times people expect that their families
are not going to take it very well, but they can
end up surprising you and he a really important
support. Most of the trans people I’ve
worked with have not had a really horrible
time with their families.”
Children’s reactions can vary, tix>.
Theresa’s daughter, now 15, was told when
she was 10 and has been accepting. Her one
concern was if she could still refer to There
sa as “Daddy.” She attends an alternative
high sch(X)l that has trans youth, so she
feels somewhat supported. “She’s done real
ly well with a really hard set of circum
stances," Ani says.
Sue and Angela did not have it so easy.
Angela lost many friends she had known for
25 years. Most of Sue’s family, with the
exception of her two adult sons, rejected
her after the news. She says she was fairly
estranged from them anyway. Although
Angela’s sister and parents tix>k the news well,
her two brothers, who belong to fundamental
ist religions, did not. They refuse to let Angela
sec her nieces and nephews.
“Even though the losses were not my losses,
they were still hard,” Sue says. “ It’s been diffi
cult because I watched my spouse go through a
lot of pain.”
According to Vanderburgh, children usually
take the news well if they’re told before hitting
puberty. He says it gets a little trickier during
adolescence because youth are searching for
their own identities.
Wolmark suggests parents find an age-
appropriate way to tell children. “ I’ve
worked with too many people who have had
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