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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (July 5, 2002)
4 8 p m t M « 'ju iy 5 . 2002 HUMOR Looking for a partner? So are we. Embers, Fish Grotto, Boxxes and the Brig, Red Cap Garage, Panorama, Scandals and Silverado are looking for partners to help us raise funds for Esther's Pantry and Our House of Portland. Our establishments, along with Just Out and Coors Light, will be teaming up from now until July 15th to make a donation to organizations serving and caring for people living with AIDS. So come visit us, bring your friends, enjoy yourself and support Esther's Pantry and Our House of Portland. ju s trrm lusher Tour 2 . 0 0 2 . TirIfctr Aviihf!c At iv ivu. Nelli! U t Iteri con »vivw.ticJcctMJtcr.cor* A fl Love notes Obsessive compulsion wins that girl oday is our anniversary. Naturally, 1 have to clarify that this is our Vertical Anniversary. Four years ago today, we stood under the canopy in front of rabbi, friends and the Great Mystery and exchanged rings, vows and tears of relief that planning the wedding was finally over. We got married on our 10 1/2-year Horizontal Anniversary, marking the date we first got in that position together. Back in those early falling-in-love days, more than 14 years ago now, 1 spent the night at her house a lot. She’d get up early to go to work, and I had a whole hour before 1 had to he at my job. It all started innocently enough, with little love notes left under her pillow. At first they were just simple puns attached to stuff lying around her room. On a sock: “SO C K it to me baby.” On her comb: “CO M B hack to me soon, my darling.” On her fedora: “ I HAT a wonderful time with you this morning.” Pretty soon I started snooping around her house. The kitchen was rich with material. On a paper bag: “1 just love being in the SA C K with you.” On a can ning jar: “I hope this isn’t too JARing, but I gotta say 1 love you!” On her bananas: “Being girlfriends with you is a BUNCH of fun!” On a Lipton’s tab: “TEA what I mean? Why do 1 love you? PEKOE, just PEKOE.” On a can of Progresso Split Pea Soup: “SOUPrize! C A N you believe I love you? Take ST O C K in that, my hearty howl of yummy stuff. MMM- MMM-good!” She loved getting the notes, and we had a blast laughing over them together. My habitual, constant entertaining— the very thing that drove previ ous girlfriends up the wall— was a big hit with this woman. Yente herself couldn’t have made a better match. Under Sweetie’s encouragement, I found my creative energy had no limits. 1 made a note with cashew nuts taped onto an envelope: “My darling dear, 1 love you be-CASHEW are so wonderful. I had to remind you that I’m N U T S about you, just in CA SH EW forgot.” With some cereal and a Kalamata glued to a piece of paper: “CHEERIO my darling. OLIVE you.” On a sheet of wrapping tissue (in Yiddish dialect): "Ah vuddint T ISSU E hubbout diss. Ah luff you.” On a bar of Ivory: “You are SOAP-yutifyul to me!” On the smallest drill hit in her tool box: "I never stop loving you, not even the teeniest little BIT.” On a sanitary napkin removable strip: “Give yourself a PAD on the hack for getting a girlfriend who loves you so much. Yours, ALWAYS.” Living OUT by Sally Sheklow This went on for months. The morning we woke to a snow-covered world, we went out into the front yard and made a little snowdog on the porch before she left for work. I brought some snow inside, which she found as a howl of water on her bed with this note: “You don’t stand a snowball’s chance of getting rid of me!" Proving nothing is too gross when you’re in love, after flea-combing her dog I saved the lit tle flea carcasses and taped them strategically to this note: “Are you FLEA aware of how much 1 love you ? I am so wonderFLEA happy being with you. I think our relationship is devel oping beautiFLEA. Take two powerFLEA dynamic Sagittarian lesbos and put them together...well, don’t expect it to be a FLEAting moment. GrateFLEA yours. P.S. I careFLEA planned this whole letter.” After a very oral night, I left this one with a head of garlic taped to it. “Oh, my sweet G ARL-LIC my thang!” I realized I was get ting obsessive, and I tried to stop. I told her I wasn’t going to write any more notes and not to bother looking for them. But I couldn’t help myself. On one of her deposit slips I wrote: “I told you not to CH ECK under your pillow. I love you on A C C O U N T of your excessive IN TEREST!” On little labels stuck to a strand of knotted ribbon: “I told you I’m (K N O T) going to write any more puns. I’m (K N O T) in the mood and it’s (K N O T) going to happen. Please do (KNO T) even look. You’re (K N O T) going to find one.(KN O T) no way (K N O T) no how!" Left in her tennis shoe: You little SNEAKER! I told you not to look in here, now SH O O !” Eventually we moved in together. I got a job that had us out of the house at the same time, and the daily notes stopped. But to this day, twice a year on our anniversaries, we get out her old scrapbook— petrified olive, mum mified fleas and all. She is so sweet to have saved my notes. Maybe today I’ll make her an anniversary breakfast and slip a love note under her omelet: “Yixj’re a good egg and I love you. No yolk." J H S ally S heklow struggles hard to take life seriously. Send your punny fan mail to sally@wymfrrov.com.
