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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (July 5, 2002)
July 5. 2002 * HUMOR ..................... ▼...................... Growing pains Cock-a-doodle-don’t Specializing in Oregon & Washington Full Time Professional Employees >124 O ne of the best perks of writing a column is receiving e-mails from fans, particularly those who have the good sense to send nude pictures. It was under these circum stances that 1 first encountered Jonathyn Andrews. Jonathyn is obviously a young man of the most discriminating good taste (he likes my column, after all), but I soon discovered there was more to him as well. A lot more. I clicked on the link to his Web site, JonathynAndrews.com, and immediately shouted to my partner, Floyd, to come take a look. “Geez,” he said, staring at the screen, “you could hang towels on that thing.” The ancient Greeks disdained large penises because they thought they represented a lack of self-control. I suppose they have a point. 1 cer tainly don’t have any self-control around large penises. More is more, as far as I’m concerned. At this point I’m sure any lesbians left read ing this article are rolling their lesbian eyes and wondering, “Why is it gay men are so obsessed with penis size?” Well, for starters, it’s not just gay men. All men are obsessed with size. The Great Pyra mids, Notre Dame, the 32- ounce Big Gulp— it doesn’t matter, that’s just our thing. I’m sure if women had a piece of their anatomy that hung out side themselves and inflated half a dozen times a day just by imag ining Tom Cruise sitting on Brad Pitt’s face, you’d think a lot about size, too. I’m right, aren’t I, fellas? You had to cross your legs after that last little visual, didn’t you? Anyway, I made a point of getting to know Jonathyn better, all in the name of investiga tive journalism, of course. (That’s just me, y’know, work, work, work all the time.) For those of you who haven’t dropped this paper already and run to your computers to search for the site, I’ll describe Jonathyn for you. He’s tall, handsome and very skinny. How skinny? Well, let’s just say his penis is thicker than his wrist. With his semi-erect member hanging between his legs he resem bles a tripod. He tells me he’s somewhere in the double digits, depending on how he measures it. Regardless, I’m impressed. If I wanted to mea sure in the double digits, I’d have to start in the middle of my back. I ask Jonathyn all kinds of probing ques tions (pun intended), like whether he’s capable of autofellatio. “Back when I was 13,” he answers. “Not as flexible, now, huh?” I ask. “N o,” he says. “Ever since then I’ve been able to find someone else to do it for me.” Figures. Be W ell, Stay W ell...N aturally M on. thru Sat. & evening appointm ents O CO M Acupuncture & Herbal Clinic the teaching clinic o f the Oregon College o f Oriental Medicine Appointments: 503-253-3343 ext. 550 onathyn puts me in touch with Marc Stew art, a former “Falcon Superstar” who lives right here in Portland. Obviously there’s some Big Dick Clique I don’t know about. (Note to self: Get on mailing list.) Stewart’s reputation precedes him— by about 12 inches— so, naturally, I’m eager to speak with him. He turns out to be sweet and shy, and he frequently uses “LOL” in his e-mails, which, even though I know means “laugh out loud,” always conjures up the image of someone lolling about. We meet in the flesh, though not in the nude. Marc is surprisingly small and slight and LOLs in a way you don’t expect from a pom star. He goes on at length (sorry, couldn’t resist) about the downside of having a penis as long as his forearm— like how hard it is (last pun, I promise) to find underwear, pants and condoms that fit, for instance. More impor tantly, though, is finding a person who’ll fit. Marc tells me how one roman tic night ended with a trip to the emer gency room because his date starting bleeding internally. “ I have to take part of the blame,” he says. “I know I have a tendency to get a bit car ried away while in the throes o f passion.” I’m thinking he needs to register that thing, like a gun. “I should have known better,” he says to me, sounding just a little sad, like a kid who’s got a new baseball bat but no one to play ball with. I call Jonathyn later to tell him about Marc, and he says he understands. “I once had a guy get into bed with me, take one look at it and say, ‘What am I supposed to do with that thing, water my lawn?’ ’’ Indeed, he says people often treat him like a penis with a person attached to it. Then again, one might argue that posting dozens of pickle shots on the Web does invite the treatment. But still, after talking to these guys, I start to feel sorry for them, cursed as they are with an anatomy that can be so awkward and uncomfortable. How unfortunate for them, eh ? Yeah, right. Lucky stiffs. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. JD J M arc AcrTOs column now appears regularly m 10 papers across the country. Keep sending those pix to m arcacitc@ attbi.com . w w w .ocom .edu 10541 SE Cherry Blossom Dr., Portland (by Mall 205) No Just Out in your area? Get your very own copy delivered directly to your home. takterlka tall»* at tall 503-236-1151 Everybody needs a little help sometimes Sincere, Confidential Support Self-esteem • Spiritual Exploration • Anxiety Family Patterns • C o m in g O u t • Alcoholism d>oul Tending Marie Nishchala Lassell • Clinical Hypnotherapist/Clairvoyant 503-888-SOUL (7685) • Convenient NW Location The nicest underwear and lingerie niceunderwear.com at very nice prices. Change your underwear www.niceunderwear.com Are you an HIV + gay or bi man looking for a fun social group? Pink Link meets every Wed. night at 7pm, at the Cascade AIDS Project office. 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