4 8 p m t M « 'ju iy 5 . 2002
HUMOR
Looking for
a partner?
So are we. Embers, Fish Grotto, Boxxes and the Brig,
Red Cap Garage, Panorama, Scandals and Silverado
are looking for partners to help us raise funds for
Esther's Pantry and Our House of Portland. Our
establishments, along with Just Out and Coors Light,
will be teaming up from now until July 15th to make
a donation to organizations serving and caring for
people living with AIDS. So come visit us, bring your
friends, enjoy yourself and support Esther's Pantry
and Our House of Portland.
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Love notes
Obsessive compulsion wins that girl
oday is our anniversary.
Naturally, 1 have to clarify that this is
our Vertical Anniversary. Four years ago
today, we stood under the canopy in front
of rabbi, friends and the Great Mystery and
exchanged rings, vows and tears of relief that
planning the wedding was finally over. We got
married on our 10 1/2-year Horizontal
Anniversary, marking the date we first got in
that position together.
Back in those early falling-in-love days,
more than 14 years ago now, 1 spent the night
at her house a lot. She’d get up early to go to
work, and I had a whole hour before 1 had to
he at my job.
It all started innocently enough, with little
love notes left under her pillow. At first they
were just simple puns attached to stuff lying
around her room. On a sock: “SO C K it to me
baby.” On her comb:
“CO M B hack to me
soon, my darling.” On
her fedora: “ I HAT a
wonderful time with you
this morning.”
Pretty soon I started
snooping around her
house. The kitchen was
rich with material. On a
paper bag: “1 just love
being in the SA C K
with you.” On a can
ning jar: “I hope this
isn’t too JARing, but I
gotta say 1 love you!”
On her bananas: “Being
girlfriends with you is a
BUNCH of fun!” On a
Lipton’s tab: “TEA what
I mean? Why do 1 love
you? PEKOE, just
PEKOE.” On a can of
Progresso Split Pea
Soup: “SOUPrize! C A N
you believe I love you?
Take ST O C K in that,
my hearty howl of
yummy stuff. MMM-
MMM-good!”
She loved getting
the notes, and we had a
blast laughing over
them together. My
habitual, constant
entertaining— the very
thing that drove previ
ous girlfriends up the
wall— was a big hit with this woman. Yente
herself couldn’t have made a better match.
Under Sweetie’s encouragement, I found
my creative energy had no limits. 1 made a
note with cashew nuts taped onto an envelope:
“My darling dear, 1 love you be-CASHEW are
so wonderful. I had to remind you that I’m
N U T S about you, just in CA SH EW forgot.”
With some cereal and a Kalamata glued to a
piece of paper: “CHEERIO my darling. OLIVE
you.” On a sheet of wrapping tissue (in Yiddish
dialect): "Ah vuddint T ISSU E hubbout diss.
Ah luff you.” On a bar of Ivory: “You are
SOAP-yutifyul to me!” On the smallest drill
hit in her tool box: "I never stop loving you,
not even the teeniest little BIT.” On a sanitary
napkin removable strip: “Give yourself a PAD
on the hack for getting a girlfriend who loves
you so much. Yours, ALWAYS.”
Living
OUT
by Sally Sheklow
This went on for months. The morning we
woke to a snow-covered world, we went out
into the front yard and made a little snowdog
on the porch before she left for work. I brought
some snow inside, which she found as a howl of
water on her bed with this note: “You don’t
stand a snowball’s chance of getting rid of me!"
Proving nothing is too gross when you’re in
love, after flea-combing her dog I saved the lit
tle flea carcasses and taped them strategically
to this note: “Are you FLEA aware of how
much 1 love you ? I am so
wonderFLEA happy
being with you. I think
our relationship is devel
oping beautiFLEA. Take
two powerFLEA dynamic
Sagittarian lesbos and put
them together...well,
don’t expect it to be a
FLEAting moment.
GrateFLEA yours. P.S. I
careFLEA planned this
whole letter.”
After a very oral night,
I left this one with a head
of garlic taped to it. “Oh,
my sweet G ARL-LIC my
thang!”
I realized I was get
ting obsessive, and I
tried to stop. I told her I
wasn’t going to write
any more notes and not
to bother looking for
them. But I couldn’t
help myself.
On one of her deposit
slips I wrote: “I told you
not to CH ECK under
your pillow. I love you on
A C C O U N T of your
excessive IN TEREST!”
On little labels stuck to a
strand of knotted ribbon:
“I told you I’m (K N O T)
going to write any more
puns. I’m (K N O T) in the
mood and it’s (K N O T)
going to happen. Please do (KNO T) even
look. You’re (K N O T) going to find
one.(KN O T) no way (K N O T) no how!" Left
in her tennis shoe: You little SNEAKER! I told
you not to look in here, now SH O O !”
Eventually we moved in together. I got a
job that had us out of the house at the same
time, and the daily notes stopped. But to this
day, twice a year on our anniversaries, we get
out her old scrapbook— petrified olive, mum
mified fleas and all. She is so sweet to have
saved my notes.
Maybe today I’ll make her an anniversary
breakfast and slip a love note under her omelet:
“Yixj’re a good egg and I love you. No yolk." J H
S ally S heklow struggles hard to take life
seriously. Send your punny fan mail to
sally@wymfrrov.com.