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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (March 15, 2002)
m arch 15.2002 45 HUMOR ............... T ............... wMŒffîm:.. Dial 1-900-328-2826 to respond Lez is more $1.99 per minute. Must be 18+ BREAK THE MOLD o Rosie O ’Donnell has finally come out. And the world has me to thank for it. S That’s right. I am completely responsible for the whole thing, and did that big dyke so much as mention it on Diane Sawyer? No. She didn’t even send a fruit basket, even though it was me who got her to admit she is a fruit. Now you might ask, “What did you have to do with Rosie’s announcement, Marc?” Well, I’ll tell you, but only because you asked. Last July, you’ll recall, I announced The Great Boinking Boycott, an international moratorium on sex with closeted celebrities. I figured hit ’em where it hurts, right? Then just a mere eight months later, Rosie O ’Donnell announces she’s queer. Coincidence? I highly doubt it. Think about it. Have you had sex with Rosie O ’Donnell? Do you know anyone who’s had sex with Rosie O ’Donnell? No? See, the boycott worked. “But Rosie has a girlfriend,” you say, “that chick who looks like a pro golfer.” True, but frankly, I’ve never been one to let the truth get in the way of proving a point. “ If it ain’t true, it should be”— that’s my motto. I’m proud of my Rosie. Sure, her declaration falls into the “what took you so long?” category, not to mention the “well, duh” category, too. But I think those who criticize her Tom Cruise infatuation as some kind of hypocritical cover-up don’t understand it’s perfectly possible to be a lesbian and still want to take a hike down into Tom’s dimples. Heck, I’m gay, and I’d have sex with Nicole Kidman. Some might even argue that she has had sex with a gay man for years, but who I am to say? I sure as hell don’t want to be sued for a gazillion dollars. So now Rosie joins that illustrious sorority with Martina and k.d. and Melissa and Ellen, which really gets me thinking: Why is it the lesbian celebrities seem to be the ones coming out? Where are all the gay men? Yeah, sure, we’ve got Elton John and R.E.M .’s Michael Stipe, but they both came out on the “Bi Now, G ay Later” plan, so they don’t count. And somehow George Michael getting caught with his pants down in a public toilet isn’t exactly the same thing as having a heart-to- heart with Diane Sawyer on national television. Meanwhile, we’re supposed to believe there were no gay figure skaters at the Olympics last month. This in a sport where sequins are a required element. And, of course, Sean “Just Jack” Hayes “just acts” gay on television. A note to whomever is having sex with this man: Cut it out, you’re holding back the course o f civil rights. Anyway, it is definitely time we stopped saying prevaricating pansies are “ in the clos et,” like they’re last year’s summer clothes. Let’s just call these people what they are: THE GOSPEL A C C O R D IN G TO M A R C b y M a r c A cito r" r 1 I __IJ \ u D VOICE PERSONAL ADS MEN SEEKING MEN liars and cowards and queers. (Oh, my!) So I can only conclude that lesbians are simply braver than gay men, that’s all. We already know lesbians are braver than straight women because lesbians can go to the ladies room all by themselves. (I’m told some of the butcher ones can even pee standing up, in fact.) You ask any grassroots political organization who the movers and shakers are, and they will tell you it’s the lesbians— and not just because they move and shake more than your average skinny gay guy. A n editor of a regional queer paper recently told me that if she wants to ___ be certain women will read a specific issue, she’ll put an “action shot” on the cover. It doesn’t mat ter what GWM, 8 1 ", 215 lbs., seeking laid back, open minded, honest man, 32-39 for friendship, possible LTR. I enjoy taking long walks, good con versation and watching the sun rise with a special friend. No games, not into club scene. No drinking or drugs please. Box 3850. (4/5)____ HELP 39, 5’8", 130 lbs., typical good looking gay man seeking similar. I have had ads before with no luck. Are there any handsome, intelligent men left out there? I drink, smoke and definitely 420, looking for same. Please, please-no fats, femmes or uglies. Box 3842. (4/5) OPEN, HONEST & ROMANTIC ¡1 M arc A cito is still waiting for his fruit basket from Rosie O ’Donnell. H e can be reached at marcacito@attbi. com . Ü NO STRINGS ATTENTIVE ASIAN MAN they’re doing— marching, running, dancing— as long as people are on the move, lesbian readers want to know about it. I’ll give you one guess what gay men like to see on the front page. Here’s a hint: It gives new meaning to the phrase “hard news.” T h ey say men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but I think these on-the- move lesbians are from Mercury, while the gay m en ...w ell, we’ve just got our heads up Uranus. But there’s hope. If gay men are as influ enced by sex as we seem to be (don’t even bother getting offended, boys— just check out the ads in this very paper, for chrissake), then it stands to reason that denying sex to closeted male celebrities will surely force them to admit the truth, if only to get laid. As hard as it will be (and some of these celebs can get you pretty hard, I admit), we must not falter. The Great Boinking Boycott must continue. It sure worked on Rosie. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. J D FISHERMAN Mischievous and young-at-heart W SM , mid-40s, top. 5 ’4", 135 lbs., smooth, endowed, seeking younger men into vintage homes and classic cars. Let's enjoy a movie, dessert and each other. Box 3791. (4/5) _ ......... Fun, kind, playful, 27-year-old man looking for Asian man to share quiet dinners and nice walks on the beach. Box 3794. (4/5) 42, brown hair, brown eyes, 150 lbs., 5 ’6”, HIV+, honest and versa tile. Seeks friend and lover, partner and playmate for life adventures and intimate fireside encounters. Enjoy hiking, camping, gardening, travel, fine dining or home cook ing, science fiction, dogs and home improvement. Light bag gage and financial independence included. Box 3796. (4/5) SAVE ME FROM SINGLES PARTIES Cute, smart, G W M seeking a friend plus, someone who enjoys the sensual pleasures of life... including occasional kink. Fun- loving, honest and a good com municator a plus. Asian or red headed a double plus. Indepen dently wealthy a triple plus. Box 3831.(4/5)____________________ ART CRAZY/EASY GOING GUY 43, 6 '5 ”, 215 lbs., film, theater, jazz, museums, cuddling at home in winter, walks in summer. Spiri tual, introspective, tender, gentle, down-to-earth, laid-back, broad minded, compassionate, seeking friends as well as a sweetie. HIV-. Box 3830. (4/5) GAY VIDEO FILMS BiWM seeks submissive feminine, gay male to enjoy viewing adult gay video films together in private. Bnng love & companionship into your world. Let’s share dining, dancing, passionate romancing. Mature, middle aged, gay males are very special. Box 3767. (3 1 5 )____ Hard working, employed, middle- class, degreed, optimistic, honest white gay man, 49-years-old and healthy, would like to meet same who looks at life as an adventure. Please, no more snobby, elitist, yuppie gay men clones who are boring, lack morals, originality and independence. Box 3775. (3/15)________________________ GWM, 46, head injury survivor, 6'4", 220 lbs., friendly country man who loves to fish and sun bathe. Loves animals and sex. Financially secure. Looking for compassionate, understanding and loving man. Box 3838. (3/15) SUNSHINE SEEKING SAME GAM seeking GM. Life is worth liv ing, sharing a walk on the beach, nice dinner and a nice massage. I am a nurturing, warm, passionate person seeking same, 35-45. Box 3798, (3/15)___________________ Professional W M, 32, brown hair, brown eyes, 5’9 ”, good shape, nice, young looking seeks mascu line, healthy, W M under 38. Friendship, intelligence, honesty and fitness valued. Many inter ests: Music, outdoors, art. I dislike fake people but accept everyone. Spiritual and sexy given first con- sideration. Box 3832. (3 / 1 5 )___ Sweet, shy, G W M looking for friendship leading to relationship. Attractive, artistic professional, mid-forties, nonsmoker, no drugs. Enjoy movies, boating, quiet times at home, workouts at the gym and travel. Seeking similar, 35-55. Box 3777, (3/15)___________________ NICE GUY LOTS OF HOBBIES HIV+, 5'9", 150 lbs., 42 years old and I work out. I collect antiques (yay EBay!), aquarium fish (11 aquariums) and I love to travel. (Costa Rica, South Africa, Virgin Islands, Fiji and Australia so far.) Looking for in-shape guys, 20-50 years old for friendship and more. Box 3795. (3/15)_______________ MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY FACE S W M , 6 '3 ”, 180 lbs., 27 years old. Sensitive, professional male seeks good-hearted, fun-loving and intel ligent, 25-38-year-old. I enjoy run ning, working out, softball, hiking, listening to/playing music and watching movies. I am attracted to shorter, athletically built guys. Per sonality a plus! Box 3792. (3/15) W O M E It j SEEKIN WOMEN MUSCULAR, FUN LOVING Outrageous, long-haired, femme chameleon. Degreed professional seeks intelligent, fit, long-haired femme for nights on the town, evenings of intngue and outdoor adventures. Skiing and cycling a plus. Do you love to dance? Per haps we'll flip each other's skirts. Box 3843. (4/5)________________ YOU CAN NEVER LOSE TRYING! I am an old-fashioned butch look ing for her true black femme. I am smart, kinky, funny, romantic, sexy and much more. You similar. I can be your rock if you can be mine. I believe that love and friendship are a two way street. Box 3845. (4/5)______________ _ Are you a strapping butch? I’m longing for you to lay me down ‘cuz baby you have no idea how soft strong can be. Box 3844. (4/5) LETS RENDEZVOUS! SGF, 33, seeking 30-42. You like to laugh. Your eyes twinkle when you do. You like to snuggle when nights are chilly. What a teddy bear! You enjoy what life has to offer. Could I be included? You like my heart beating against yours. Come out and let's rendezvous! Box 3846, (4/5)________________ I am sensitive, spiritual, outgoing, high energy, dark hair, blue eyes, 5 ’3 ”. I like travel, cooking, movies, music and exploring new roads of interest. I like spiritual, mature feminine ladies who don't have hangups, who are outgoing and not codependent. Nons important. Box 3848. (4/5) __________ PROFESSIONAL BUTCH 46, seeks femme for alphabet soup: Art, books, communication, dogs, eclectic, flicks, gourmet, heart, intelligence, jazz, kindness, litera ture, monogamy, nature, ocean, poetry, quiet, romance, self- assured, tactile, unique, versatile, wine, yearning, zaftig. Dating before involvement. No smoking or drugs. BBVV welcome. Box 3849. (4/5) COUPLE SEEKING FRIENDS Secure, monogamous female couple in LTR seeking other secure female couples 30+ for friendship. Camping, boating, hiking, travel, dining, movies and explonng city. Not into smoking, drugs or heavy drinking. Letters Only to Blind Box 414. (4/5) LOVE, LUST, PASSION SCARED TO BE ALONE Healthy. HIV+, 44,135 lbs.,5’8.5”. green, S&P, goatee, versatile bot tom seeks fun, sensuous, kinky, hairy top, 35-55 years old. Seek ing dates/friends but ultimately looking for a no-holds barred, romantic, lustful, loving LTR. Interests: Humor, honesty, pets, gardening, music, books, movies. Box 3811.(3/15) Desperately seeking someone. Please love me. Need to have someone cook and clean because I work all the time. Please call if you're rich and you can afford me. According to my ex, I am not funny. I like walking on the beach and sand in my panties. Box 3803. (4/5) LIFE GETS BETTER EVERYDAY Adventurous, creative, fun-loving GW M, 42, homeowner, career social worker. But I have three- day weekends every week.; I'm not a social worker on weekends! I'm very sincere and I always look forward to new friends I will meet. Some in my steam room - who knows! Box 3790 (3/15) WOMAN TO WOMAN Maybe younger, maybe older, maybe about the same 45. Hopeful ly single, hopefully nonsmoking. Me: Multi-talented, long time sin gle. ageless baby dyke, passion for painting. You: Maybe taller, shorter S T . Enioy the life you live Moment to moment. Box 3835 (4/5) See m o re J u s t F r ie n d s a d s o n p a g e 46 . mm mm m wmm i i mm Where are the gay male celebrities?
