m arch 15.2002
45
HUMOR
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BREAK THE MOLD
o Rosie O ’Donnell has finally come out.
And the world has me to thank for it.
S
That’s right. I am completely responsible
for the whole thing, and did that big dyke
so much as mention it on Diane Sawyer? No.
She didn’t even send a fruit basket, even though
it was me who got her to admit she is a fruit.
Now you might ask, “What did you have to
do with Rosie’s announcement, Marc?” Well,
I’ll tell you, but only because you asked.
Last July, you’ll recall, I announced The
Great Boinking Boycott, an international
moratorium on sex with closeted celebrities. I
figured hit ’em where it hurts, right?
Then just a mere eight months later, Rosie
O ’Donnell announces she’s queer.
Coincidence? I highly doubt it.
Think about it. Have you had sex with
Rosie O ’Donnell? Do you know anyone who’s
had sex with Rosie O ’Donnell? No? See, the
boycott worked.
“But Rosie has a girlfriend,” you
say, “that chick who looks
like a pro golfer.” True,
but frankly, I’ve never
been one to let the
truth get in the
way of proving a
point. “ If it ain’t
true, it should
be”—
that’s my
motto.
I’m
proud of my
Rosie. Sure, her
declaration falls into
the “what took you
so long?” category, not
to mention the “well,
duh” category, too.
But I think those
who criticize her Tom
Cruise infatuation as some
kind of hypocritical cover-up
don’t understand it’s perfectly
possible to be a lesbian
and still want to take a
hike down into Tom’s dimples. Heck, I’m gay,
and I’d have sex with Nicole Kidman. Some
might even argue that she has had sex with a
gay man for years, but who I am to say? I sure as
hell don’t want to be sued for a gazillion dollars.
So now Rosie joins that illustrious sorority
with Martina and k.d. and Melissa and Ellen,
which really gets me thinking: Why is it the
lesbian celebrities seem to be the ones coming
out? Where are all the gay men?
Yeah, sure, we’ve got Elton John and
R.E.M .’s Michael Stipe, but they both came out
on the “Bi Now, G ay Later” plan, so they don’t
count. And somehow George Michael getting
caught with his pants down in a public toilet
isn’t exactly the same thing as having a heart-to-
heart with Diane Sawyer on national television.
Meanwhile, we’re supposed to believe there
were no gay figure skaters at the Olympics last
month. This in a sport where sequins are a
required element.
And, of course, Sean “Just Jack” Hayes “just
acts” gay on television. A note to whomever is
having sex with this man: Cut it out, you’re
holding back the course o f civil rights.
Anyway, it is definitely time we stopped
saying prevaricating pansies are “ in the clos
et,” like they’re last year’s summer clothes.
Let’s just call these people what they are:
THE GOSPEL
A C C O R D IN G
TO M A R C
b y M a r c A cito
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r 1
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VOICE PERSONAL ADS
MEN
SEEKING MEN
liars and cowards and queers. (Oh, my!)
So I can only conclude that lesbians are
simply braver than gay men, that’s all. We
already know lesbians are braver than straight
women because lesbians can go to the ladies
room all by themselves. (I’m told some of the
butcher ones can even pee standing up, in fact.)
You ask any grassroots political organization
who the movers and shakers are, and they will
tell you it’s the lesbians— and not just because
they move and shake more than your average
skinny gay guy.
A n editor of a regional queer paper recently
told me that if she wants to
___
be certain women will
read a specific issue, she’ll
put an “action shot” on
the cover. It doesn’t mat
ter what
GWM, 8 1 ", 215 lbs., seeking laid
back, open minded, honest man,
32-39 for friendship, possible LTR. I
enjoy taking long walks, good con
versation and watching the sun rise
with a special friend. No games, not
into club scene. No drinking or
drugs please. Box 3850. (4/5)____
HELP
39, 5’8", 130 lbs., typical good
looking gay man seeking similar. I
have had ads before with no luck.
Are there any handsome, intelligent
men left out there? I drink, smoke
and definitely 420, looking for
same. Please, please-no fats,
femmes or uglies. Box 3842. (4/5)
OPEN, HONEST & ROMANTIC
¡1
M arc A cito is still waiting for his fruit basket
from Rosie O ’Donnell. H e can be reached at
marcacito@attbi. com .
Ü
NO STRINGS
ATTENTIVE ASIAN MAN
they’re doing— marching, running, dancing— as
long as people are on the move, lesbian readers
want to know about it.
I’ll give you one guess what gay men like to
see on the front page. Here’s a hint: It gives
new meaning to the phrase “hard news.”
T h ey say men are from Mars and women
are from Venus, but I think these on-the-
move lesbians are from Mercury, while the
gay m en ...w ell, we’ve just got our heads up
Uranus.
But there’s hope. If gay men are as influ
enced by sex as we seem to be (don’t even
bother getting offended, boys— just check out
the ads in this very paper, for chrissake), then
it stands to reason that denying sex to closeted
male celebrities will surely force them to admit
the truth, if only to get laid.
As hard as it will be (and some of these
celebs can get you pretty hard, I admit), we
must not falter. The Great Boinking Boycott
must continue.
It sure worked on Rosie.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. J D
FISHERMAN
Mischievous and young-at-heart
W SM , mid-40s, top. 5 ’4", 135
lbs., smooth, endowed, seeking
younger men into vintage homes
and classic cars. Let's enjoy a
movie, dessert and each other.
Box 3791. (4/5) _
.........
Fun, kind, playful, 27-year-old man
looking for Asian man to share
quiet dinners and nice walks on the
beach. Box 3794. (4/5)
42, brown hair, brown eyes, 150
lbs., 5 ’6”, HIV+, honest and versa
tile. Seeks friend and lover, partner
and playmate for life adventures
and intimate fireside encounters.
Enjoy hiking, camping, gardening,
travel, fine dining or home cook
ing, science fiction, dogs and
home improvement. Light bag
gage and financial independence
included. Box 3796. (4/5)
SAVE ME FROM
SINGLES PARTIES
Cute, smart, G W M seeking a
friend plus, someone who enjoys
the sensual pleasures of life...
including occasional kink. Fun-
loving, honest and a good com
municator a plus. Asian or red
headed a double plus. Indepen
dently wealthy a triple plus. Box
3831.(4/5)____________________
ART CRAZY/EASY GOING GUY
43, 6 '5 ”, 215 lbs., film, theater,
jazz, museums, cuddling at home
in winter, walks in summer. Spiri
tual, introspective, tender, gentle,
down-to-earth, laid-back, broad
minded, compassionate, seeking
friends as well as a sweetie. HIV-.
Box 3830. (4/5)
GAY VIDEO FILMS
BiWM seeks submissive feminine,
gay male to enjoy viewing adult gay
video films together in private.
Bnng love & companionship into
your world. Let’s share dining,
dancing, passionate romancing.
Mature, middle aged, gay males are
very special. Box 3767. (3 1 5 )____
Hard working, employed, middle-
class, degreed, optimistic, honest
white gay man, 49-years-old and
healthy, would like to meet same
who looks at life as an adventure.
Please, no more snobby, elitist,
yuppie gay men clones who are
boring, lack morals, originality
and independence. Box 3775.
(3/15)________________________
GWM, 46, head injury survivor,
6'4", 220 lbs., friendly country
man who loves to fish and sun
bathe. Loves animals and sex.
Financially secure. Looking for
compassionate, understanding
and loving man. Box 3838. (3/15)
SUNSHINE SEEKING SAME
GAM seeking GM. Life is worth liv
ing, sharing a walk on the beach,
nice dinner and a nice massage. I
am a nurturing, warm, passionate
person seeking same, 35-45. Box
3798, (3/15)___________________
Professional W M, 32, brown hair,
brown eyes, 5’9 ”, good shape,
nice, young looking seeks mascu
line, healthy, W M under 38.
Friendship, intelligence, honesty
and fitness valued. Many inter
ests: Music, outdoors, art. I dislike
fake people but accept everyone.
Spiritual and sexy given first con-
sideration. Box 3832. (3 / 1 5 )___
Sweet, shy, G W M looking for
friendship leading to relationship.
Attractive, artistic professional,
mid-forties, nonsmoker, no drugs.
Enjoy movies, boating, quiet times
at home, workouts at the gym and
travel. Seeking similar, 35-55. Box
3777, (3/15)___________________
NICE GUY
LOTS OF HOBBIES
HIV+, 5'9", 150 lbs., 42 years old
and I work out. I collect antiques
(yay EBay!), aquarium fish (11
aquariums) and I love to travel.
(Costa Rica, South Africa, Virgin
Islands, Fiji and Australia so far.)
Looking for in-shape guys, 20-50
years old for friendship and more.
Box 3795. (3/15)_______________
MORE THAN JUST
A PRETTY FACE
S W M , 6 '3 ”, 180 lbs., 27 years old.
Sensitive, professional male seeks
good-hearted, fun-loving and intel
ligent, 25-38-year-old. I enjoy run
ning, working out, softball, hiking,
listening to/playing music and
watching movies. I am attracted to
shorter, athletically built guys. Per
sonality a plus! Box 3792. (3/15)
W O M E It j
SEEKIN WOMEN
MUSCULAR, FUN LOVING
Outrageous, long-haired, femme
chameleon. Degreed professional
seeks intelligent, fit, long-haired
femme for nights on the town,
evenings of intngue and outdoor
adventures. Skiing and cycling a
plus. Do you love to dance? Per
haps we'll flip each other's skirts.
Box 3843. (4/5)________________
YOU CAN NEVER
LOSE TRYING!
I am an old-fashioned butch look
ing for her true black femme. I am
smart, kinky, funny, romantic,
sexy and much more. You similar.
I can be your rock if you can be
mine. I believe that love and
friendship are a two way street.
Box 3845. (4/5)______________ _
Are you a strapping butch? I’m
longing for you to lay me down
‘cuz baby you have no idea how
soft strong can be. Box 3844. (4/5)
LETS RENDEZVOUS!
SGF, 33, seeking 30-42. You like to
laugh. Your eyes twinkle when you
do. You like to snuggle when
nights are chilly. What a teddy
bear! You enjoy what life has to
offer. Could I be included? You like
my heart beating against yours.
Come out and let's rendezvous!
Box 3846, (4/5)________________
I am sensitive, spiritual, outgoing,
high energy, dark hair, blue eyes,
5 ’3 ”. I like travel, cooking, movies,
music and exploring new roads of
interest. I like spiritual, mature
feminine ladies who don't have
hangups, who are outgoing and
not codependent. Nons important.
Box 3848. (4/5)
__________
PROFESSIONAL BUTCH
46, seeks femme for alphabet soup:
Art, books, communication, dogs,
eclectic, flicks, gourmet, heart,
intelligence, jazz, kindness, litera
ture, monogamy, nature, ocean,
poetry, quiet, romance, self-
assured, tactile, unique, versatile,
wine, yearning, zaftig. Dating before
involvement. No smoking or drugs.
BBVV welcome. Box 3849. (4/5)
COUPLE SEEKING FRIENDS
Secure, monogamous female couple
in LTR seeking other secure female
couples 30+ for friendship. Camping,
boating, hiking, travel, dining, movies
and explonng city. Not into smoking,
drugs or heavy drinking. Letters
Only to Blind Box 414. (4/5)
LOVE, LUST, PASSION
SCARED TO BE ALONE
Healthy. HIV+, 44,135 lbs.,5’8.5”.
green, S&P, goatee, versatile bot
tom seeks fun, sensuous, kinky,
hairy top, 35-55 years old. Seek
ing dates/friends but ultimately
looking for a no-holds barred,
romantic, lustful, loving LTR.
Interests: Humor, honesty, pets,
gardening, music, books, movies.
Box 3811.(3/15)
Desperately seeking someone.
Please love me. Need to have
someone cook and clean because I
work all the time. Please call if
you're rich and you can afford me.
According to my ex, I am not funny.
I like walking on the beach and sand
in my panties. Box 3803. (4/5)
LIFE GETS BETTER EVERYDAY
Adventurous, creative, fun-loving
GW M, 42, homeowner, career
social worker. But I have three-
day weekends every week.; I'm
not a social worker on weekends!
I'm very sincere and I always
look forward to new friends I will
meet. Some in my steam room -
who knows! Box 3790 (3/15)
WOMAN TO WOMAN
Maybe younger, maybe older,
maybe about the same 45. Hopeful
ly single, hopefully nonsmoking.
Me: Multi-talented, long time sin
gle. ageless baby dyke, passion for
painting. You: Maybe taller, shorter
S T . Enioy the life you live Moment
to moment. Box 3835 (4/5)
See m o re
J u s t F r ie n d s a d s
o n p a g e 46 .
mm mm m wmm i i mm
Where are the gay male celebrities?