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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (March 15, 2002)
» arch 15,2002 44 ADVICE ...............▼............. Stop Playing Ulith Yourself! * He* Tourn* " « ;1 O'»rector 9 B all PDX 2512 “NE” Broadway Full lottery/ATM ( 503 ) 287-4210 KJub / Presents The 26 th Annual i * Rosebud and Thom P agean t Ita Rriim of tta Dark Rose wo jD ie tic s , O ne W o rld March 23, 2002 11 P.M . $10 at tta door 333 $VV P a rk t i 503.241.1153 --------------------- R * e a d e r s / _ *Just Out has an extra week in this issue . *l/l/e publish next on A p ril 5. *$ee you then. : .....• ........j » - D ear M s . B ehavior : How can you tell if a rela tionship is right or not? 1 have a boyfriend I’ll call Tom who I’ve been with for nearly a year. W e’re both 35. O n paper, Tom is great. My friends think he’s perfect for me; he’s smart, nice and responsible. He also has money and the taste to buy nice things. But I don’t feel as emotionally connected with him as I did with my last boyfriend. Tom and I have the occa sional blowup, and during those times, it seems like we’re not so compatible. T hen, just when it seems as if we’re about to break up, we smooth things over and return to our regular life. I love Tom, and I’m attracted to him, but 1 feel like something is missing. O n the other hand, am I being greedy? Shouldn’t I be happy with my “good enough” boyfriend? I’m stressed at work. I keep telling myself maybe that’s why I don’t feel right with Tom. So, should I wait it out for another year to see if I grow happier with him? In the mean time, it’s hard to leave. I’m not miserable. I’m just a little blah. — Blah Blah D ear B lah B lah : If you have to ask how to tell if a rela tionship is right or not, it’s generally not. Som e people are happy to be moderately co n te n t together and actually thrive w hen th ere’s n o t a lot going on em o tionally. T h ey don’t need a pas sionate co n n ectio n to feel fulfilled. Agreeing about pol itics, toothpaste and who sleeps on which side of the bed is enough for such people. But it doesn’t sound like you’re that kind of person. A t the moment, you don’t have enough m otivation to leave, and you’re not yet old enough to be paranoid about wasting your life. But sometime when you and Tom have a fight, you’ll probably lack the incentive to patch it up, and you’ll just drift apart like two little dandelions. D ear M s . B ehavior : 26 17 — — __ — ..... . mmi ....... 1 A r* » T s No sparks and celibacy: booooriiiiinggg Tournament Saturdays @ 8pm Everyon e W elcom e! tlc a v rn a n d l i d ! : I The blahs / / i I’ve known Jane for about two years. We hang out with the same group of friends; go to bars, movies and soccer games; and flirt with each other a lot. I’ve had the feeling we’ve been moving toward getting closer— maybe toward sex, maybe toward a relationship. She’s been single for a year now, and so have I. The other day at a soccer game, one of our mutual friends clapped her on the hack and said, “Hey, congratulations!” Jane got very shy and blushed and wouldn’t tell me what the comment was about. 1 teased her all night about keeping secrets from me, which simply isn’t allowed. Finally, she told me she’d been celibate for a year, since she broke up with her last girlfriend. Apparently, most o f her other friends have known this. 1 hadn’t known celibacy was a goal of hers at all and felt a little stung about being left out of the loop. Do you think Jane kept it a secret because she wants to get together with me? Or do you think it’s something more complicated than that? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex anymore. I really like Jane a lot. How can I find out how she feels about me? — Wishing She W ere Mine D ear W ishing S he W ere M ine : Don’t despair; Jane will want to have sex again. W hen a lesbian decides to be celibate after a relationship ends, it’s usually because she’s afraid she’ll leap into a new pair of clingy arms too quickly. Lots of lesbians claim to want casual sex between relation ships, but most can’t do it. T he misguided urge to pack and move in often follows on the heels of even the most meaningless sweaty interlude. ' Jane’s year of celibacy probably helped her to feel protected from this. But unless she’s taken a religious vow, she’s likely to be relieved that her year of sexual deprivation is over. If Jane is flirting with you and blushing and withholding secret celibacy information, she’s probably interested. Let her know how you feel about her, without talking it to death. Looking someone in the eyes is seductive. Telling someone you find her attractive is sexy. Open communication is sexy. Expressing your every neurotic fear isn’t. And if anything kills romantic desire, it’s processing. Please pass this information on to every lesbian you know. jfl’H Write your confused and conflicted heart out to Ms. B ehavior at M sBehavior@ aol.com .
