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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1987)
Orygun ’s Decadent Immorald What's the latest fashion at the Athletic Department See Page 3B j Wednesday, April 1, 1987 Eugene, Orygun Volume Loud, Number Unknown Astounding (but expected) research reveals truth Government activists result of genetic error By Heroine Limberstone Of the Immorald New research indicates that student government participants are the result of a genetic mistake in a fly by-night laboratory in El Salvador. A nationwide coalition of university scholars and researchers has spent the past 20 years and about $36 million trying to figure out why certain students are at tracted to student government positions. The answer was announced at a press conference Tuesday in Buenos Aries, Argentina. “It seems this company. Students for a Regressive Agenda, has for the last 50 years been genetically creating humans who have this inbred desire to screw up any student assembly or legislature," said Dr. Jimenez Estupido. a spokesman for the coalition. SRA is a small research company that leases office space at the University of El Salvador Research Park, Estupido said, adding the company has failed to pay rent for the last 15 years and has been secretly funded from an ASUO slosh fund. Dr. Yawn Mostly, University vice president for shady experiments on human subjects behind closed doors, has worked with the coalition for 10 years and r Photo by Marry A. Cornflower Above are bottles from whence come the genetic misfits that eventually become student activists. made the initial connection between ASUO students and the SRA lab. “It just seemed to me that there were being too many repeating policies, presidents and ideologies for student government to be a real entity.” Mostly said. "It was apparent that machine politics had to have a common origin, ergo, the common origin was found." The genetic process for creating student govern ment types is very long and complicated, Mostly said. "It involves a lot of weird things with genes, sperm, ovum and icky things like that." he said. He refused to go into the full details, he said, fearing the everyday average student wouldn’t be able to com prehend anything beyond beer, drugs and sex. One aspect Mostly did elaborate on was the impor tance of the location of the gene-creating lab. "El Salvador, for crissake! No wonder the little buggers take such an interest in foreign policy in Cen tral America," he said. "They were all born there, literally." Once the genetically created humans age three months, they are planted in Oregon households and raised there, Kstupido said. From there, they graduate from high school, some becoming involved in student government, others not, he said. It is at the college level where the genetically in bred desire to get into student government takes off, Turn to SPPA, Page 4B Extremist coup temporarily thwarted; reprieve depends on coffee supply By Beej Swinesin Of the immorald Control of Orygun’s Decadent Im morald is being threatened by hostile SPFA (Students for a Progressive Party Agenda) forces, and control has nearly been wrested from moderate elements. The Immorald is expected within days to fall into the hands of extreme left wing operatives who claim not to be members of SPPA but say they are only endorsed by the group. Experts speculate the Immorald can hold out for only a few days longer depending upon the supply of coffee in the office. According to reliable inside sources, architects of the coup, Squeeh “Bergen” Belson (a.k.a. Slime “I wanna be Billy Wils" Noson), I’m Outwhoringagin, Merrigay Malarkey and Craving Chameleon, see control of the Immorald as a vital cog in the machinery of their plan for world conquest and will stop at nothing to control it. Loyal Immorald staff members still maintain control of the third-floor offices but were nearly thwarted in their attempt Tuesday night to get the paper to press. Guerrilla forces endorsed by SPPA at tacked volunteers from the Immorald staff who were enroute to the printers located in the New Jersey of the Willamette Valley, Springfield. Immorald staff member Gopher Broke, who sustained minor injuries in the at tack, said the masked gunmen were in a Save-her-hide Van. SPPA members made plans for the final assault to gain control of the Im morald at a “retreat” for the Anachronistic Simians of the University of Oregon (ASUO) staff, an SPPA dominated organization. “We see control of the Immorald as a primary foothold on the long uphill climb to world conquest where everyone can be whatever they want to be, as long as they see things from a progressive point of view like we do,” Belson said in Turn to Coup, Page 4B Immorald staff goes Geek - $ By I Got A Half-Brother In The ASliO But I Won’t Admit It Of I hr Immorald The Immorald's goin' Geek. Ya know — having been so impressed with the conquests of the annual Geek Days of Getting, the Immorald staff pledged spring term rush in Omicron Delta Iota, the Ol) house. Suite 300 EMU. And with the installment of showers and bunkbeds in the darkroom, the home away from home is now a permanent living establishment. Reactions vary, with the perpetual Im morald/student government division per sisting, even after the Students for a Pro gressive Party Agenda s (SPPA) appointment of Suzy Sewer as next year’s Immorald editor and a majority of SPPA-affiliated staff writers. “You don’t know what it means to me. I Turn to Geek, Page 3B Area citizen's urmity group stages outhouse Olympics By Squat! Mayhem Of Ihr Ininiomld Celebrating a decision by Gov. Real Oldshit to exclude Oregon from federally man dated emergency Joke Cola taste tests, the Citizens Action for Flowing IJrinity group on Tues day staged an outhouse Olym pics in front of the Federal Building in Eugene. The festivities reflected ap plause from CAFU in response to the governor’s recent deci sion to ban state-wide consump tion exercises involving Joke Cola, which has “all the molasses and twice the epoxy resin” of its beverage counterparts. "The Oldshit really came through for us," CAFU activist David Bedpan enunciated while taking a breather after waddling through the 2 00 -y a r d reliefathon, one of a dozen events taking place on a makeshift track erected on High Street between Sixth and Seventh avenues. “This is a vic tory for bladders everywhere,” he chirped. Guest speakers at Tuesday’s celebration described Joke as a “hard-core soft drink” flowing into c o n s u m e r m a r k e t s everywhere, but not flowing through actual consumers all that well. “We're here today not oidy to show our faith in Oldshit, but to oppose food-production cor porations, like Joke, which have abandoned traditional and popular seepage ingredients for some sort of ruffage-like adherent,” veteran webfoot and CAFUist I.P. Rainwater told the crowd. “It’s like chugging 12 ounces of glue, man. Tike, it’s gross!” remarked one hairy bystander. About 100 of Eugene’s pro Pees activists engaged in games on the one-block stretch of manure-based track. An awards assembly and ‘‘Latrine Cuisine" potiuck luncheon followed. Winners in each event were draped in Best Western Motel toilet liners and ceremonial crowns constructed from round cardboard tubes us ed as supports for rolls of bathroom tissue. Bedpan praised participants for taking a position on the issue as he accepted first-place honors in the 200-yard high curdles. "This is truly a celebra tion of freedom — freedom to..." began Bedpan, a grin crossing bis face as he suddenly bolted off toward the nearest tree. Joke (lola promoters criticized the governor’s decision and plan to file suit. "This really pisses us off." Joke spokesman Lettuce Drugu said in a carrier pidgeon inter view with the lmmorald. Drugu denied charges that Joke has any constipating ef fects on cola lovers. "Joke is an artificially-reinforced return to the days of products that really stuck to your guts, like Marathon candy bars. We believe Joke appeals to all ages of consumers, and we even have evidence that Joke has medical uses for gunshot and knifing victims!" The U.S. Defense Department has threatened to place an em bargo on all imported laxatives to Oregon if the taste tests aren’t rescheduled and carried out "pretty damn soon." a Pen tagon spokesman said. Joke is the official cola of the 1988 Strategic Defense In itiative games to be held in most major metropolitan and in dustrial areas behind the Iron Curtain.
