Orygun ’s Decadent
Immorald
What's the latest fashion
at the Athletic Department
See Page 3B
j
Wednesday, April 1, 1987
Eugene, Orygun
Volume Loud, Number Unknown
Astounding (but expected) research reveals truth
Government activists result of genetic error
By Heroine Limberstone
Of the Immorald
New research indicates that student government
participants are the result of a genetic mistake in a fly
by-night laboratory in El Salvador.
A nationwide coalition of university scholars and
researchers has spent the past 20 years and about $36
million trying to figure out why certain students are at
tracted to student government positions. The answer
was announced at a press conference Tuesday in
Buenos Aries, Argentina.
“It seems this company. Students for a Regressive
Agenda, has for the last 50 years been genetically
creating humans who have this inbred desire to screw
up any student assembly or legislature," said Dr.
Jimenez Estupido. a spokesman for the coalition.
SRA is a small research company that leases office
space at the University of El Salvador Research Park,
Estupido said, adding the company has failed to pay
rent for the last 15 years and has been secretly funded
from an ASUO slosh fund.
Dr. Yawn Mostly, University vice president for
shady experiments on human subjects behind closed
doors, has worked with the coalition for 10 years and
r
Photo by Marry A. Cornflower
Above are bottles from whence come the genetic
misfits that eventually become student activists.
made the initial connection between ASUO students
and the SRA lab.
“It just seemed to me that there were being too
many repeating policies, presidents and ideologies for
student government to be a real entity.” Mostly said.
"It was apparent that machine politics had to have a
common origin, ergo, the common origin was found."
The genetic process for creating student govern
ment types is very long and complicated, Mostly said.
"It involves a lot of weird things with genes,
sperm, ovum and icky things like that." he said. He
refused to go into the full details, he said, fearing the
everyday average student wouldn’t be able to com
prehend anything beyond beer, drugs and sex.
One aspect Mostly did elaborate on was the impor
tance of the location of the gene-creating lab.
"El Salvador, for crissake! No wonder the little
buggers take such an interest in foreign policy in Cen
tral America," he said. "They were all born there,
literally."
Once the genetically created humans age three
months, they are planted in Oregon households and
raised there, Kstupido said. From there, they graduate
from high school, some becoming involved in student
government, others not, he said.
It is at the college level where the genetically in
bred desire to get into student government takes off,
Turn to SPPA, Page 4B
Extremist coup temporarily thwarted;
reprieve depends on coffee supply
By Beej Swinesin
Of the immorald
Control of Orygun’s Decadent Im
morald is being threatened by hostile
SPFA (Students for a Progressive Party
Agenda) forces, and control has nearly
been wrested from moderate elements.
The Immorald is expected within days
to fall into the hands of extreme left
wing operatives who claim not to be
members of SPPA but say they are only
endorsed by the group.
Experts speculate the Immorald can
hold out for only a few days longer
depending upon the supply of coffee in
the office.
According to reliable inside sources,
architects of the coup, Squeeh “Bergen”
Belson (a.k.a. Slime “I wanna be Billy
Wils" Noson), I’m Outwhoringagin,
Merrigay Malarkey and Craving
Chameleon, see control of the Immorald
as a vital cog in the machinery of their
plan for world conquest and will stop at
nothing to control it.
Loyal Immorald staff members still
maintain control of the third-floor offices
but were nearly thwarted in their attempt
Tuesday night to get the paper to press.
Guerrilla forces endorsed by SPPA at
tacked volunteers from the Immorald
staff who were enroute to the printers
located in the New Jersey of the
Willamette Valley, Springfield.
Immorald staff member Gopher Broke,
who sustained minor injuries in the at
tack, said the masked gunmen were in a
Save-her-hide Van.
SPPA members made plans for the
final assault to gain control of the Im
morald at a “retreat” for the
Anachronistic Simians of the University
of Oregon (ASUO) staff, an SPPA
dominated organization.
“We see control of the Immorald as a
primary foothold on the long uphill
climb to world conquest where everyone
can be whatever they want to be, as long
as they see things from a progressive
point of view like we do,” Belson said in
Turn to Coup, Page 4B
Immorald staff goes Geek
- $
By I Got A Half-Brother In
The ASliO But I Won’t Admit It
Of I hr Immorald
The Immorald's goin' Geek.
Ya know — having been so impressed
with the conquests of the annual Geek Days of
Getting, the Immorald staff pledged spring
term rush in Omicron Delta Iota, the Ol)
house. Suite 300 EMU.
And with the installment of showers and
bunkbeds in the darkroom, the home away
from home is now a permanent living
establishment.
Reactions vary, with the perpetual Im
morald/student government division per
sisting, even after the Students for a Pro
gressive Party Agenda s (SPPA) appointment
of Suzy Sewer as next year’s Immorald editor
and a majority of SPPA-affiliated staff writers.
“You don’t know what it means to me. I
Turn to Geek, Page 3B
Area citizen's urmity group
stages outhouse Olympics
By Squat! Mayhem
Of Ihr Ininiomld
Celebrating a decision by
Gov. Real Oldshit to exclude
Oregon from federally man
dated emergency Joke Cola taste
tests, the Citizens Action for
Flowing IJrinity group on Tues
day staged an outhouse Olym
pics in front of the Federal
Building in Eugene.
The festivities reflected ap
plause from CAFU in response
to the governor’s recent deci
sion to ban state-wide consump
tion exercises involving Joke
Cola, which has “all the
molasses and twice the epoxy
resin” of its beverage
counterparts.
"The Oldshit really came
through for us," CAFU activist
David Bedpan enunciated while
taking a breather after waddling
through the 2 00 -y a r d
reliefathon, one of a dozen
events taking place on a
makeshift track erected on High
Street between Sixth and
Seventh avenues. “This is a vic
tory for bladders everywhere,”
he chirped.
Guest speakers at Tuesday’s
celebration described Joke as a
“hard-core soft drink” flowing
into c o n s u m e r m a r k e t s
everywhere, but not flowing
through actual consumers all
that well.
“We're here today not oidy to
show our faith in Oldshit, but to
oppose food-production cor
porations, like Joke, which have
abandoned traditional and
popular seepage ingredients for
some sort of ruffage-like
adherent,” veteran webfoot and
CAFUist I.P. Rainwater told the
crowd.
“It’s like chugging 12 ounces
of glue, man. Tike, it’s gross!”
remarked one hairy bystander.
About 100 of Eugene’s pro
Pees activists engaged in games
on the one-block stretch of
manure-based track. An awards
assembly and ‘‘Latrine
Cuisine" potiuck luncheon
followed. Winners in each
event were draped in Best
Western Motel toilet liners and
ceremonial crowns constructed
from round cardboard tubes us
ed as supports for rolls of
bathroom tissue.
Bedpan praised participants
for taking a position on the
issue as he accepted first-place
honors in the 200-yard high
curdles. "This is truly a celebra
tion of freedom — freedom
to..." began Bedpan, a grin
crossing bis face as he suddenly
bolted off toward the nearest
tree.
Joke (lola promoters criticized
the governor’s decision and
plan to file suit.
"This really pisses us off."
Joke spokesman Lettuce Drugu
said in a carrier pidgeon inter
view with the lmmorald.
Drugu denied charges that
Joke has any constipating ef
fects on cola lovers. "Joke is an
artificially-reinforced return to
the days of products that really
stuck to your guts, like
Marathon candy bars. We
believe Joke appeals to all ages
of consumers, and we even have
evidence that Joke has medical
uses for gunshot and knifing
victims!"
The U.S. Defense Department
has threatened to place an em
bargo on all imported laxatives
to Oregon if the taste tests aren’t
rescheduled and carried out
"pretty damn soon." a Pen
tagon spokesman said.
Joke is the official cola of the
1988 Strategic Defense In
itiative games to be held in most
major metropolitan and in
dustrial areas behind the Iron
Curtain.