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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1987)
Urinopinion Give that damn duck a drug test, and soon There is damn good reason to believe the University’s beloved mascot has a big-time drug problem, and if something isn’t done to help the luckless quacker toot sweet, this campus will have a lot to atone for. The campus duck is a familiar merrymaker of mirth at University sporting events, but his recent bizarre behavior and a few unaccounted-for absences at key athletic competi tions last term indicate the University has a drug-addicted duck on its hands. The ramifications of having a mascot with a substance abuse problem bodes ill for the University. Frankly, it just doesn’t look good. Unfortunately, campus officials are not taking this issue seriously enough. Instead, they've apparently adopted a "who gives a flying duck" attitude. Ignoring problems in hopes that they’ll just go away, however, is irresponsible, and we challenge the University to help our doped-up duck. Questions about the mascot’s mental well-being were first raised three weeks ago when the fighting fowl inter rupted a men’s basketball game. In a feathered frenzy, the duck rushed the press box, seized the loud speaker and fran tically demanded every fan with a box of Cracker Jacks to hand over all of their little toy prizes. The incident ended when he fell unconscious and was taken home to roost and recover. Similarly, things got ugly at last Friday’s beer garden when the chubby chirper was caught randomly dropping small paper blotters in beverage containers. Suspecting "fowl" play, authorities approached the wacky waddler for questioning. The billed bird panicked and fled from campus officials, managing to briefly elude captors by maniacally clambering over patrons and tabletops. Witnesses reported the antic avian had a glazed, distant stare and that his pupils were dilated considerably. As cam pus security carted him off, the daffy drake kicked and flail ed while screeching something about Ginger Baker being the Anti-Christ. Public freakouts of this magnitude is conduct unbecom ing a collegiate mascot. Drug testing is obviously in order, and we demand the University deliver to the student body results of the duck’s urinalysis. Furthermore, it would be in the best interest of this campus — and the duck’s — if the weighty web-foot enrolled in a drug counseling and educa tional course. The tragic irony is that the problem could have been nipped in the bill before any of the duck's scandalous escapades came to the fore. Bill Rugburn, Athletic Depart ment director, who asked to remain anonymous, said he realized the school's mascot was drug dependent when he caught the duck stealing petty cash from the Athletic Depart ment’s safe. "The duck needed drug money, he told me so," said Rugburn. Why the hell didn’t he notify somebody? We think it's a good question, and undoubtedly we’ll be calling for Rugburn’s resignation in a subsequent editorial. Meantime, the duck deserves our support in aiding him rid the monkey on his back. Drug abuse among large aquatic birds is rare, and the curing process may prove to be lengthy. This is all the more reason for the administration to get off its duff and help the duck. Orygun's Decadent Immorald Orygun's Decadent Immorald is published once a year by the idiots on statt. The Immorald operates in dependently ol anyone's better judgment or the bounds of good taste and decency. The staff of the Immorald hopes it inflicted terrible harm to everyone’s reputation mentioned In the edition, but since all of the characters are fictitious, we didn’t do a damn thing — It's just your guilty conscience If you don't like the Immorald, you're not alone If you want to complain, call your mother, she's used to it If you don't have a mom, too bad But after life with you, can you blame her for checking out? The Immorald Is private property So don't show your face around here Ever General's Staff Advertising Mangier Sioux N Whalin Reproduction Mangier Lame Lika Lostwheel De classified Advertising Always A Simpleton Dick tater Lean OnMe (Or I'll Lean on You) Additional Sales: Pewter Floor /Sales Mangier Truly I'Hcostya. Bury Ishmael, Channel Heister, Lowly Gonadvein, Catheter Bilge, Hickey Hearts, Jolly Menstrual, Watta Killer, Lone Wilderbeaste Snooze and Idlotortal Distaff Advertising and Bras-nest De classified documents Litter Purrfect Gravy Reproduction Circulation 686 5511 686 3712 686-4343 686 5511 686 4381 not very good Idiot Barely Managing Idiot Snooze Idiot Rectum Idiot Rectum Assistant Idiot Idiotorial Page Idiots Watersports Idiot Flsheye Idiot Rectum Flsheye Idiot Gravy Idiot Night Idiot Malingering Stench LooseN Willin Milezof Rubbers Step Hen Blue I Got A Half-Brother In The ASUO But I Won't Admit It Big And Dummond The Morton Salt Girl Dense As-herhandis Marry A Cornflower Me Justme Lascivious Wraith Should B Homeasleep Associate Idiots Community Diseases Paws-n-pricks Lower Education I Ass-n-a-station University Soap Operas Sexual Governing Sexual Extracurricular Activities Trivial Assignment Trivial Assignment Jammin Passion Beej Swinesin Pissed Nomad Lurid Shorts Heroine Llmberstone Smarmy Bitch'N Squatt Mayhem Always A. Gonad Reporters: Yawn Laxative-taker, Mainly Coitus, Gimme Hemplease, Hack N Bury Photographers: Surly Snorklegrtn, Sushi Flea, Careful Blew Itt, Barely Kno, Dum Weeder Reproduction: Smellin' Moss I Ad Coordinator Smelly Axe-in-hander, Ronny s Nickel Ashtray, Virgin Banana, Smack N Barbiturates, Snooty Beckons, Sad Bistro, Sushi Flea, Junket Ivory, Mood-lt Lacks, Loose Hagsforme, Donnever Letsme, Curt Is Lost, Steves A Munchkin, Hellish Mace, Hike MyChaw, Rob Kilometers, The Morton Salt Girl, Jeweled Paws, Igi White, Saran Rewraps, Z King Cowpie f0e£ 1HKT TO ^ \M^TlOW , v <S^5^5rifa (vJdo C6WPOH AD6> CANT ?£ WTW-TAIKMIU^ |? ) Litter Just a gigilo Phyllis Hiller is not a chili slut. She is a fine and talented comediane. I am appalled that the Immorald would allow such libelous statements to be made! Hy attacking her the authors of that scandalous letter attack ed every celeberty who en dorses a product. Under the same logic Bill Cosby would be a jello gigilo. And John Hauseman would be a fast-food freebie. This is absurd. We shouldn't question the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Star E. Ide Consumer Playing games I picked up a magazine just the other week and was pleased to see Vanna White’s lovely mug on the cover. I am glad to see that game show hosts and hostesses are finally getting the recognition they deserve. But at what cost? It was only a few years back when people would say “Wheel of what?” and laugh if you told them you watched “The Price is Right.” But now that has changed. That brings me to my com plaint. 1 am proud to say 1 am part of the true and loyal game show audience. The housewives and children of America who have nothing bet ter to do with their time than watch this mindless entertainment. These shows used to rank right up there with daytime dramas. They provide us with an education and keep us in formed of trivia that really matters. But now all these yuppies have forced these shows into prime time. The yuppies couldn’t miss work to see quali ty programing. No. It has to come to them. And at our expense. This is a national travisty. People shouldn’t be so concern ed with condom advertising when these important programs are being exploited for the benefit of a few baby boomers. America, where are your commitments? I salute Bob Barker, a true American. Who else could host one of the most popular game shows as well as one of the most popular beauty contests and still keep his values in tact. Idelle Mind TV viewer Swell guy Give me a break! When will the media lighten up on Presi dent Reagan. He’s a swell guy. OK, 1 know he’s not perfect. But aside from me, who is? I don’t think that is any justifica tion for dragging his fine name through the mud. His values are an asset to this country. Look, America needs the strong leadership Reagan pro vides. He’s apologized for his mistakes. What more could we ask for? Let’s stop this insane vendetta. Mr. Right American Sunday morning Brothers and sisters come with me. Together we can be partners in the harvest. Without our combined faith and money people in Paraguay — and all over the world — will continue to be deprived of the wealth of religion. Together we have helped them, but more assistance is needed. Please help me in my endeavors. Continue to send your money. No! Double... No, triple what you have been sending, for without it these people will continue to starve. And again, I think this is im portant. We must continue to save them for it resembles the plight of the American farmer in the late 1800’s. 1 am not a minister, but 1 do preach. The news today portrays wealth as a sin. But it is not. The Bible states that wealth is good and necessary to understanding His word. But along the road to success we must not forget others. Pat Kendall Atheist Litter Policy The Litter to the Idiot section is our pride and joy. The epitimy of journalism. For it is in this small space where the average student can express herself (or himself) and become a part of the democratic system. It is. essentially, the student’s forum to voice their opinions. But let’s face it. If we don’t like what you say, we ain’t gonna print it. And if your letter is long wind ed... . Well don’t even bother to bring it up here.
