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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 21, 1986)
WtATHIR: We tree m Orcgna Mid tt etmjrt rain m d'l ,4* wan thn uupnl link- ncathcr rcpiet n «ah Inf fee MOO U afccn trko can't lifurt (an win ihnrfT wn all Ilk liar But j* in the pact die fnecatf for unmrrm »game a ccr tarn a» Bie Meaycn ml knit as yuofy at tonal ifMKa the Migtay Ft|taiaf EXuil aad luf tin (lift tr alttiMl (naked vear in a nut, rtr Orepei Daily Emerald »t« dm. the duclonu .* MOO l) .hat a teal culieje *nriyat*r kwisitkt Friday University ol Oregon, Eugene, Oregon. Vol. LXIX, No 69 November 21. 198«> Agency says MOO U students are too scary By Married A. Barstnoi Of tile Hurrmrlrr For no apparent reason, the Central In testinal Agency didn't show up here at MOO U last week, or maybe they were here and nobody found out because they were all dress ed as MOO U students and stayed near the cow bams Nobody seemed to know a damn thing, either those CIA characters arc sure smart or we are sure dumb, you be the judge. Of course Athletic misdirector Trashbin Hider said he assumed the real reason the CIA didn't show up here is because they had already seen the Meagers play fixrtball and were afraid all of the MCX) U students are wimps just like the damn football players. Oh yeah., before I forget, there was somebody talking about some kind of prixest if the CIA showed up Yeah, a protest just like the ones they have at real colleges and univer sities all over the place. Yeah a protest here, yeah that's the ticket. Large Rice-Eater, a MOO U English heifer, had apparently planned the protest just like she did the last protest here in 1242 B.C.(Before Cannibas). But a CIA undercover and secret source who would speak only on condition that she be identified as a real buffoon, told someone the threatened protest was all a plot by the CIA anyway so they would have some reason to hold interviews at the slee/y Ropes and Chains Motel down the block where their at tempts to influence little M(X) U boys and girls with an easy sheep or a picture of a man wearing one of those CIA coats and a big gun but little else would he more acceptable and probably more successful any way Of course a while back .the CIA was almost killed by some knowledgeable and intelligent students at the University of Minny Mouse but that could never happen here But Rice-Eater said the protest was going on anyway, and indeed it was as one person showed up in front of the main hay burn the other morning with a shovel and a bucket on which the words Cattle Insemination Agency were jnconspicuosly displayed It was sposed to be a joke you sec Acording to Tiny Van Vice, MOO U‘s director of family planning and cattle breeding, the CIA always gets a lot of recruits from the MOO U. "The CIA is always interested in people with degrees in Cattle Sperm Disccting. Sheepranching. and Wormfarming." Van Vice said. President depressed MOO U President Yohn Urine, was feeling more and more depressed this week as the MOO U Meagers prepared to face the Mighty Oregon Ducks. Even 27 hours viewing the "Big Win'' that the Meagers had eons ago in Washington could not convince Urine that the Meagers would stand a chance.' HkHo b) A. Hal Ph»*o t» Skt»c* Wiihmitnir MOO U students are incredibly anxious to be interviewed by the CIA Hut director Will Hncaseme said the threat of a protest coupled with the overall ugliness of MIX) U students would keep his organization off this campus. Tomorrow is Saturday Saturday is tIn* day that the Meager* take on those Mighty Oregon Fighting Ducks. Also Saturday is the day we must all pitch in to clean out the main ad ministration barn. Saturday is the day after today so don’t forget. He sure to wear the t>asel>all caps that say "Rodeo America's Number One Sport" tomorrow to show your school spirit. Please don't tiring any alcohol to the game lax. a use we don't want to tempt the Geeks who are trying to quit. Please don't wear khaki clothes to the game because the man hunt is still on for the mad campus slasher and we don't want to confuse the brilliant Gowvallis Police Farce. Mease don't hold up signs during tho game because many of tho football players are learning to read this week and may be distracted by words they find challenging. The Meugers chances of winning are about equal to the chances of (hit beeng spelt rightly, but go anyway. For those of you who are loo depressed to even attempt to to watch tfie game, films of the Meugers last meaningful win in t<i:t7 will Ire shown in the MUU auditorium all day Saturday. If you'd rather stay home and read dur ing the game, copies of the Oregon Daily Fmernld will i>e distributed free of charge so that students will not have to subject themselves to a losing football team and u losing publication Cowvams turns more whiter By You’* A. I.iard Of liter Htfrnmivt In a move that surprised no one, the Cowvallis City Council Thursday night decreed the color white as the town color. ■‘George Washington was white, the clouds in the sky are white and so arc the eyes of our football players.” reasoned Mayor Wallace George ‘ It's about time we recognized our heritage.” At the outset of the council meeting, Cowvallis City Council member Junior Birch revealed the results of a survey that showed 98 percent of Cowvallis residents thought white was a good color. "That tells you a !<« about the people here,” Birch said. “Shows you what kind of solid upbringing they've had. Makes you kind of proud to walk the streets;” “The color white represents clean, wholesome living It’s a God given color.” Birch added In accordance with the decree, certain measures will go into effect All streets and sidewalks within Cowvallis will be painted white, signs with the words, “This is whiteless free /one.” will be posted at all en trances to the town and the wearing of white shoes will he enforced In addition, all dogs and cals that are not white will be shot on the spot by authority figures and their carcasses burned at the White Courthouse, formerly know n as the Bentdown County Carthousc. The authority figures, themselves, will also be under new regula tions They'll be required to wear white uniforms and white badges. Certain aspects of (he town will be left alone, however "For starters, we don't need to worry about our churches. They've been white for years." said Bullwhip Connor, another Cowvallis City Council member. "And our flag poles, they’re white also." "The only :hing we need to keep an eye out for arc them outsiders." Connor said "That and get us a football coach who will recruit from Eastern Oregon and stay away from that California devil country." The mating cymylpdcd with a prayer. Page IB
