WtATHIR: We tree m Orcgna Mid tt
etmjrt rain m d'l ,4* wan thn uupnl
link- ncathcr rcpiet n «ah Inf fee MOO
U afccn trko can't lifurt (an win
ihnrfT wn all Ilk liar But j* in the pact
die fnecatf for unmrrm »game a ccr
tarn a» Bie Meaycn ml knit as yuofy at
tonal ifMKa the Migtay Ft|taiaf
EXuil aad luf tin (lift tr alttiMl (naked
vear in a nut, rtr Orepei Daily Emerald
»t« dm. the duclonu .* MOO l) .hat
a teal culieje *nriyat*r kwisitkt
Friday
University ol Oregon, Eugene, Oregon.
Vol. LXIX, No 69
November 21. 198«>
Agency says MOO U students are too scary
By Married A. Barstnoi
Of tile Hurrmrlrr
For no apparent reason, the Central In
testinal Agency didn't show up here at MOO
U last week, or maybe they were here and
nobody found out because they were all dress
ed as MOO U students and stayed near the
cow bams
Nobody seemed to know a damn thing,
either those CIA characters arc sure smart or
we are sure dumb, you be the judge.
Of course Athletic misdirector Trashbin
Hider said he assumed the real reason the CIA
didn't show up here is because they had
already seen the Meagers play fixrtball and
were afraid all of the MCX) U students are
wimps just like the damn football players.
Oh yeah., before I forget, there was
somebody talking about some kind of prixest
if the CIA showed up Yeah, a protest just like
the ones they have at real colleges and univer
sities all over the place. Yeah a protest here,
yeah that's the ticket.
Large Rice-Eater, a MOO U English heifer,
had apparently planned the protest just like
she did the last protest here in 1242
B.C.(Before Cannibas).
But a CIA undercover and secret source
who would speak only on condition that she be
identified as a real buffoon, told someone the
threatened protest was all a plot by the CIA
anyway so they would have some reason to
hold interviews at the slee/y Ropes and
Chains Motel down the block where their at
tempts to influence little M(X) U boys and
girls with an easy sheep or a picture of a man
wearing one of those CIA coats and a big gun
but little else would he more acceptable and
probably more successful any way
Of course a while back .the CIA was almost
killed by some knowledgeable and intelligent
students at the University of Minny Mouse but
that could never happen here
But Rice-Eater said the protest was going on
anyway, and indeed it was as one person
showed up in front of the main hay burn the
other morning with a shovel and a bucket on
which the words Cattle Insemination Agency
were jnconspicuosly displayed It was sposed
to be a joke you sec
Acording to Tiny Van Vice, MOO U‘s
director of family planning and cattle
breeding, the CIA always gets a lot of recruits
from the MOO U.
"The CIA is always interested in people
with degrees in Cattle Sperm Disccting.
Sheepranching. and Wormfarming." Van
Vice said.
President depressed
MOO U President Yohn Urine, was feeling more and more depressed this week as the
MOO U Meagers prepared to face the Mighty Oregon Ducks. Even 27 hours viewing the "Big
Win'' that the Meagers had eons ago in Washington could not convince Urine that the Meagers
would stand a chance.'
HkHo b) A. Hal
Ph»*o t» Skt»c* Wiihmitnir
MOO U students are incredibly anxious to be interviewed by the CIA Hut director Will Hncaseme
said the threat of a protest coupled with the overall ugliness of MIX) U students would keep his
organization off this campus.
Tomorrow is Saturday
Saturday is tIn* day that the Meager*
take on those Mighty Oregon Fighting
Ducks. Also Saturday is the day we must
all pitch in to clean out the main ad
ministration barn.
Saturday is the day after today so don’t
forget.
He sure to wear the t>asel>all caps that
say "Rodeo America's Number One
Sport" tomorrow to show your school
spirit.
Please don't tiring any alcohol to the
game lax. a use we don't want to tempt the
Geeks who are trying to quit.
Please don't wear khaki clothes to the
game because the man hunt is still on for
the mad campus slasher and we don't
want to confuse the brilliant Gowvallis
Police Farce.
Mease don't hold up signs during tho
game because many of tho football
players are learning to read this week
and may be distracted by words they find
challenging.
The Meugers chances of winning are
about equal to the chances of (hit beeng
spelt rightly, but go anyway.
For those of you who are loo depressed
to even attempt to to watch tfie game,
films of the Meugers last meaningful win
in t<i:t7 will Ire shown in the MUU
auditorium all day Saturday.
If you'd rather stay home and read dur
ing the game, copies of the Oregon Daily
Fmernld will i>e distributed free of
charge so that students will not have to
subject themselves to a losing football
team and u losing publication
Cowvams turns more whiter
By You’* A. I.iard
Of liter Htfrnmivt
In a move that surprised no one, the
Cowvallis City Council Thursday night
decreed the color white as the town color.
■‘George Washington was white, the clouds
in the sky are white and so arc the eyes of our
football players.” reasoned Mayor Wallace
George ‘ It's about time we recognized our
heritage.”
At the outset of the council meeting,
Cowvallis City Council member Junior Birch
revealed the results of a survey that showed 98
percent of Cowvallis residents thought white
was a good color.
"That tells you a !<« about the people
here,” Birch said. “Shows you what kind of
solid upbringing they've had. Makes you kind
of proud to walk the streets;”
“The color white represents clean,
wholesome living It’s a God given color.”
Birch added
In accordance with the decree, certain
measures will go into effect All streets and
sidewalks within Cowvallis will be painted
white, signs with the words, “This is
whiteless free /one.” will be posted at all en
trances to the town and the wearing of white
shoes will he enforced
In addition, all dogs and cals that are not
white will be shot on the spot by authority
figures and their carcasses burned at the White
Courthouse, formerly know n as the Bentdown
County Carthousc. The authority figures,
themselves, will also be under new regula
tions They'll be required to wear white
uniforms and white badges.
Certain aspects of (he town will be left
alone, however
"For starters, we don't need to worry about
our churches. They've been white for years."
said Bullwhip Connor, another Cowvallis City
Council member. "And our flag poles,
they’re white also."
"The only :hing we need to keep an eye out
for arc them outsiders." Connor said "That
and get us a football coach who will recruit
from Eastern Oregon and stay away from that
California devil country."
The mating cymylpdcd with a prayer.
Page IB