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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (April 13, 1979)
of eiviroomeital irrelevaice Instead of rambling on and on in this week's column about power lines, nuclear plants, and pesticides. I'd like to take time out to make my fundamental position on the environment clearer Often when people dis cover who I am they say something like. "Oh, you're the person who writes Ilka a robot about environmental issues It's hard to tell from your column, but you seem to have the opinion that nuclear power is bad and that big companies are ripping us off. right?" I can understand how this misapprehension has come about — there are a lot of un perceptive people out there But It so happens there's a good reason for my writing like a robot, and my environmental position extends way beyond antagonism toward nuclear power and big companies The truth Is, I hate all kinds of waste. Whether it's nuclear or not. I believe waste is poisonous and downright unclean I'm kind of like that great writer Jonathan Swift, who was grossed out when he discovered that the love of his life excreted I believe a classic line of his poetry goes, "So and-so is beautiful, etc etc . but she shits " Car exhaust makes me nauseous, ashes from campfires make me vomit That’s why I like the idea if solar power — no obvious waste But there is one problem Factories manufacturing solar energy components naturally will produce waste products I think once there are such fac tories HI be the first one out at their gates with a picket sign However, there's something still more fundamental at the bottom of my bitchiness I'm al so like Swift in that I'm something of a misanthrope — I dislike people intensely Think of anything that goes wrong on this earth and you can lay the blame on people 99 percent of the time I'm not just talking about air pollution, the extinc tion of whole species of animals, or deforestation I'm also talking about earthquakes, hurricanes and sunspots Look at it this way When we all convert to solar power, each individual will still be producing biological waste on his own. and you know how I feel about waste In other words, whenever you have to deal with people, the situation is hopeless Sure I hate big com panies — they're controlled by people Sure I hate government — government is just lousy with people Swift’* hero, Gulliver, couldn't re-adjust to the world of people after his adventures He had lived with the horse-like Hounhynums, who were gentle, kind, and truly civilized So back in England he took to living in stables That would never do for me — horses make too much waste and I also happen to think they’re stupid animals, like all animals One of the high points of my life came during a peace demonstration when a mounted policeman trotted up to me and I jammed a tit cigarette into his horse's rib cage So I'm not really one of these ’‘natural” people as some people have guessed I'm ac tually kind of "unnatural.” I like clean and sterile things that don't produce waste on their own Things like telephones, furniture, and rocks I like robots for the same reasons C3PO turns me on My column reads like an IBM 360 printout because my most ad mired writers are machines, not people As for as I’m con cerned, my phone bill is better writing than anything D.H Lawrence ever set down on paper That’s where I stand and If you don't like it, I don't care Next week’s column will re turn to normal with an expose of how alfalfa sprouts contain more carcinogens per milligram than Big Macs CLASSIFIEDS 444-1111 FOR SALE A mull to* cottoctorst OH* Nuclear pom pUrnl On* omm Low miles Mini se* to .«»«< i*i* CM T hr*# M** Wand Penn tt no anawar cap underground *he#*r MUST SELL - AM JOINING THE SIS< TTRMOOO — one k*>i<«•-.», iwl -‘i-'H t»it<x| kapfiram with only one small hoi* Mm. twin «ml to> VON* «lO wnluiy Cal Nov* * t tod* l»v*ytac* *1 8Sh SIMM IN leave note on downtown in* tm&eim board I'VE OOT THE BEST AHOCJND -Or the r*m, kappa ‘vg* Min ‘jgrnn Non. SAt & And Sigma ( hi a My Competitive Kin call S8A-MUFT SACNIFICe - MUST SELL IMMEDIATELY Immaculal* conditon i*» now only twee iNMd one* it interested can m* PLANTS & FLOWERS ARRANGEMENTS FOR FUNERALS < Wfden tresh weeds lor Ifi# finally dapnrtod IIM«maple rates Down Under Decor l 'NC4 cofftrt tan* AUTO REPAIR VOLLSTAOT VOLKSWAGEN IMPORT REPAIR Wr now Warning now in '-1 mar I nglmch as w*n a* repair urnom nrtwesl Nno ol Auto* the Hoh M and Destier So i*eaaa bong uni non* new cars to practicad on Tha l»*l mila guarat«*d WANTED_ On* unbreakable chastity ball, preferably with large lock and no duplicate key Call Mary al ?42-HELP On* dupttcel* k*y to unbreakable r.haslily bull with large lock CM Joseph al iMJi-YtSS OPPORTUNITIES EARN EXTRA MONEY! Pick Ihe limes tiesl tor you (tontact PIMPS INTERNATIONAL Che Black Cadillac on the Mak H you want to make big money Iasi withoul much experience, with little homing, and an toy your work. Apply now al JO£ CONFOHTF S MUSTANG RANCH (no home back riding Btpaneoce necessary) WORK STUDY NEED HOT APPLY: tookmg lev mteligent. herd working grad student Job require* no experience, but mu»l know the i ngusn alphabet M>*y ■* escaping offices MIN' WOMEN' SHIPS! EXCITEMENT’ Job* now open k» crew n»mD*n on remaning l iberian OK 1 ankers Swim mmg expertise advised ;wnij S?0 lof further into lo EXION San Clemente cat MEN TO SUBJECT themselves lo alar: troshock therapy Psychology experiment pay* S’1 per hooi $4 pm houf X you survive Ca* Ere 4:>4 7685 NUDE MODELS TOR Immorald fashion ■aufiptsmnnl Most ba giaai looking and willing to work lot nothing Call Dennis H ai 088 551 I. afternoon* THE PSYCH DEPARTMENT naad* SO psychopath* on which to pertorm dangerous experiments earttei dona only on laboratory nsca You are guaranteed not lo lamambaf a tiling avt» ogam With guarantee survivors will be given a cam ot MD ?0 30 as payment APPLICATIONS FOR DORM R A S NOW BEING ACCEPTED I xpenence m hariassment requited Authon lotvin parsonaktias pieteried Applications are ajbtncled to rigorous screening to uphold tine U ot O quakty ROOMMATES HOUSEHOLD FOCUSED on developing love and acceptance in daily living situation Needs one member South Hilts $106 plus utilities Call Cloud. 480 8666 No tatties drugs or Negroes please COMPUTER SCIENCE student sent dancing student tor stab A ting influence SI 55 mo One block from campus 808 7765 WANTED: woman to share three room span merit with seven dwarves Clean tun loving and must have huge tits Cal Dopey 444- 7?6? attei 5pm OWN ROOM complete with mirrors, black vinyl accuser)net. told out tacks including 11 pounde ot chains Wisps era optional Only $100 W* Hade lor new pan ot black leather hip boots Call Max 444 1111 GRATIS TOO TOO CAN BE SHAM FOR A DAY The Tynan Student Union is sponsoring a rattle so we can stay sate m America Test Mn»a Shan tor a Day. Second Pt«e, T <vo used Trans Am* We mat got Our new ones FREE to good homo appro* 80.000 cockroaches Shiny (tvely pets Pi. EASE can SfitMMt?? FlUFF’Y NEEDS A home' Beautiful y cel mot* ^ owes Children hul can I see them Can Donna W8-V9*, after 4pm i OST & FOUND LOST: 1 pelt of red lace underwear ai all campus last Saturday nigni Please leturn no quesaon* asked Has sentimental value Cat! Fto*anne K2T.’7 ahes1 Spm FNTERTAINMENT KEOO TV Presents University t oAsinger MAUI PALPtHN m two has hour T V specials ■•HAUL PALPFRM walches morning cartoons Sunday April 15 6 ?0 a fn “HAUL PALPCRN wearing ditleranl socks Monday April 18 7 ?0a m NOBOOV ADMITS TO PRESENTING SODOMY: THE INS & OUTS lor ttwise ot you who would like to e* pand youi horuons in so* Produced and directed by Mr America Maturing Marilyn Chambers favorite German Shepherd FRISSAT 10.12 PM 100 PLC With meek SS. without S3 A FREE SLIDESHOW on "Why the FBI Killed Pal Boone will be presented intheEMU. room to be posted today at 7 ?0 p m Members ot the Assassination Committee allege then photo overlays, now showing on the West Coast are positive ptoot that Richard Pryor and Sid Vicious ot the F Bl killed the tormer proponent ot nalk EMU CULTURAL FRONT PRESENTS DOPEHUNTER Nomlnma tor no Academy Award* TaRs the Mory ol 3 man aant into tha <*opa Hatda oi Columbia. the terrors they iaca M) Mig forced to smoke non atop tor 2 month* Foot toe anguish aa tha Itotoa am dsaboyad A MUST FOP AU. TO «. TONIGHT 6 4? & 10 28 PM 180IDU $100 personal* FRIENDS OF SLIGHT BIRD PRESENT CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD GRADE ROMAN POL ACKSKI'S holiest new movie featuring you' tavonte child porno stars BruK Shoids Gandy Nice and others PERSONALS TERMINAL GANGER PATlfcNt da alma one tlnal aaiual encounler. Call Mai Anoma. 565-???? HAVE A DIRTY SLEEPING BAG? Gel into it' TO THE BEAUTIFUL lady in seat 11 77 in Geology. MWF 11 ?0 — tear, your tarts stink! Signed seat 1195 (directly behind you ) ASS HEALTH INSURANCE tor Studi atailable spring term from Oregonan Hall cashiers Cost is $400 per student per teim Coverage horn April 14 to May 1 Covers sun stroke only ALPHA O INITIATES: One ot you will be pushed oft a si* story building tonight! Have tun YOUR SISTERS ALPHA CHIS: Hope you liked the enemas' More on the wav Lamba Pambas THETAS: Hope you liked the enemas' More on the way Sanga Gnus TRIPLE BELTS: Hope you liked the enemas' More on the say Tau Chl s POWERHOUSE - Your PAY DAY is tomorrow11 I loved sucking your PEANUT BUTTER CUPS and having a tew SNICKERS an your MILKY WAY of TOOTSIE ROLLmg I hope you have bmc to sink your KG HUNK into my CHEWELS it would be a JAWBREAKER"" (But remember no FIDDLE EADOLing my MOUNDS" You know what ZtNGERed toe last time") W* be lOOKIN FOR YA FOREVER YOURS MR GOOOBAR WILL WALK YOUR dog around campus tor a small tee Anyone with an under exercised dog with an -over ton shifter please call THE LET THEM DO IT ON SOME ONE ELSE S LAWN DOG WALKING SCHOOL 747 8886 TO THE DAMNED DOG WALKER — It J c at > you on campus with any more dogs — I will personally see to it that YOU EAT ITi CAMF»US Clean-up crewman SEND YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE MOT FOR PRESIDENT CAMPSIGN IF I WIN IT IS TAX DEDUCTeLE (Paid tor by who else but MOT) TO MY GENEROUS FRtENOS (Everyone on my dorm floor) Thank you tor the dresses teens, shirts underwear shoes and tewelry I use them whenever I go home tor a visit Thank you again, suckers I FELTA TNI Fraternity would like to announce its latest initiates Studmuttin Stanley the Manly M Macho Man Longiohn and Headhunter FELTA LOVE. THE ELITE CHURCH of toe Adult Work) 490 E Broadway Eugene Individual Worship Booths FREE KLEENEX NOTENDA ISA WORD (Medieval Latin) BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK ANYWAY The Proud The Few The Marines Will be on campus and sit on your face I’d like to melt these medals down and make one giant bullet and shoot it into the heart of those godless gooks over in Pinko China! This one for licking the Shah’s boots This one for hemmorhoids This one for voting for Ronald Reagan.• This one for flying a combat mission In Watts, 1968. This one for singing the third stanza of the Star Spangled Bannen j
