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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (April 13, 1979)
Eugene police and area surgeons removed two loggers from the University's missing meteorite that vandals placed in the center of Pre s Trail late Thursday night. The joggers, whose identities haven’t been determined, were surgically removed from the rock after a three and one-half hour struggle This column is sponsored as a pubic service by the Planned Panic-hood Association and the Daily Immorald. who are not responsible tor injuries and/or embarrassments resulting trom misapplication of advice My boyfriend, a marketing student, is constancy quizzing me about my past lovers — es pecially their penis sizes. De spite my reassurances that his performance is. well, adequate, he seems obsessed with measuring up. Are all men like this? More or less Some men. however, have more reason to worry than others In a 1977 study, sex researcher Dr Givett Toomey found that college men have penises much smaller than those of laborers, blue collar workers, and mid-level profes sionals In fact, according to Dr Toomey's research, only in surance salesmen and teachers have smaller members than students In light of your boyfriend's anxiety, however, we suggest you not mention the Toomey study to him. at least until after finals Once and for all. what la the most effective method of birth control? And plaasa don't say abstinence. ' like Dear Abby. Okay, we ll resist Abby is right, though, the best way to avoid pregnancy is to be satis fied with the one which produced you If. though, like most people, you want something more out of life, here are the most common forms of birth control and their effec tiveness ratings, as calculated by the Central California Wine Growers' Association Rhythm (11%) works best for musicians and celibates The Pill (25%) side effects (nausea, death) Foam (0%) not only ineffective, but tastes bad Condom (50%) effective only when worn by male Garlic 90%) endorsed by Pope Prevents vampire attacks, too Tennessee Ernie Ford music (100%) guaranteed Moat of my life Ive been a normal guy, but for the last faw months I've found myaalt sax ually attracted to othar guys, espaclaHy those with nice cars No damage done so far, but I really don't want to risk chang ing now. as i'va lust learned how to chaw tobacco without dribbling Is this lust a phase, or what? Behavior scientists have a term tor people like you. who. despite an otherwise straight background, develop a liking for the dame sex They are called fagglettes. dikes, plg lickers. dog dodos and dildo face crab meat eaters In your case. I think the term feet-llcking fetish, hot car car syndrome" applies You are obviously suffering from the San Francisco complex Please go back there, fag Drug center head, burntout, quits By CROW LEGFACE Of the Immorald Nark Milfier resigned Thurs day as director of the Drug In formation Center and his has tily-appointed successor promised some "out of this world" projects to help the financially troubled center Nunzio Martucci, formerly of Anaheim. Cal was named to the post just hours after Miller, D.I.C. director since its incep tion, read an emotion-charged statement to reporters “I’ve come to the end of my rope,” Nark stated "For seven years I've tried to keep this baby going, but the demands of con stantly hassling over money really disgust me And I’ve had it with pot-bellied businessmen who don t care what shape their customers are in, as long as their dollars keep coming." Miller was referring to an un successful D.I.C campaign to collect donations from local businessmen to keep the center operating Nark had tried to convice merchants of the benefits of the center, designed to prevent abuse of legal and illegal drugs •'Those tight-fisted monkeys don't care," Nark said, ' as long as they outlive their patrons It makes me sick." Miller did in deed become sick before finishing his statement, and was helped from the room Dean Lynn Rodney of the College of Health, Physical Education and Recreation, of which the D.I.C is an educa tional affiliate, finished reading the statement In it, Nark cited other problems affecting his decision to resign He had become depressed, he said, because fewer samples of good cocaine have been coming into the D l.C for analysis And generally, he said, "the quality of drugs just ain't what it used to be " Rodney finished the statement and added that, ac cording to D 1C workers. Miller had been moody and quirky" late, and had let his subscrip tion to "Mother Jones" lapse The dean also quoted aDIC lab assistant's report that drugs sent in for analysis were often "lost in transit around the of fice" while Miller was on duty "This is a very important ser vice to our community," Rod ney said, and for that reason we at the College felt it best to appoint a new director immediately.” Rodney said College officials notified by Nark a day before his resigna tion, met in a late-night closed session They voted unanimously for Martucci, a 26-year-old former Disneyland tour guide and self-styled drug consultant ” ' Mr Martucci was recom mended to us by a customer of the DIC." Rodney said, "and after a brief interview it was ap parent to us that he is just the shot in the arm the D 1C needs " Rodney confirmed a report that Martucci met with the College staff at the midnight caucus, from which all emerged "sniffling and giggling," ac cording to Campus Security Reached at his home, Mar tucci said he probably impressed staff members most with his ' practical experience Who are they gonna hire — some one who’s gone to college and knows a lot of theories and crap, or someone who's been there? Hey, I've been there That's why I'm the man to get this organization off the ground " Cutbacks in federal grants and the growth of the DIC have left it short of funds in recent years, casting doubts on its future Martucci outlined several schemes to keep the service ooen With all due respect to Nark," Martucci said, "he wasn't a successful business man He never had the killer instinct You'll never get money from businessmen, at least not by asking for it Nark tried to make drugs respectable Big mistake Businessmen don't smoke grass or take PCP, right? r If you want to make money from drugs, ask the man who takes them ' Marlucci says he plans to in stitute several new drug-con sumer services here What if you can t score? What if you're new In town? Eugene can be a big .lonely place when you don t have the drugs you need That's where the drug swlch board comes in We get dealers to call us with what drugs they have to sell, then connect them with someone looking to buy TheO I C gets a small commis sion. and everybody's happy We re talking service here " Martuccl said he also plans a community involvement project this summer, a variation on his predecessor's fund raising jog-a-thon Martuccl calls it "drug-a-thon " "It's the same idea, really You collect pledges of so much per mile and then jog the route or walk, ride — the difference is, we'll have rest stops along the way where you can relax and get loaded " The new director said he's already received an offer of "six pounds of kick-ass weed' from a Junction City man Everyone can get m on this," Martuccl said "It's out of this world Now, Nrak would never have thought of this." Tuesday night is camel night so Jump in your Trans Am and come on out! 0 Banana Split Sale At Fairy Queen
