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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (April 7, 1978)
sprots Eighth grader drafted Interim basketball coaches Marc Earwig and Earnie Spent today an nounced the signing of a 7-10 pre-prep basketball star for next year’s team. Abdul Kabob-Kaboom, an eighth grader at Cal Young school in Eugene, has announced that he will sign a letter of intent to play basketball with the Ducks next season. Kabob-Kaboom, 95 pounds, has scored all his team’s points the past two years and blocked all opponents shots except for free throws. When asked if the signing of an eighth grader to a letter of intent was a little much, Earwig replied “Philadelphia (76ers) signed Darryl Dawkins and At lanta Hawks signed Bill Willoughby out of high school so why can’t we sign some of the top talent in the junior high pool?” Spent said the pimply-faced Kabob Kaboom would have no trouble adjust ing to the college game, with perhaps one exception. “Junior high baskets are two feet lower than are collegiate baskets,” said Spent. Kabob’s father, Shish, previously played on winning Duck teams, during the years 1955-56-57. The older Kabob was not the star player that his son could be, getting continually burned when playing under fire in pressure-cooker situations. “He sure is a tall sucker,” said Tall. “You know, he’s so skinny, we can play him sideways in the key and the other team won’t be able to see him there and we can throw him the ball all the time for easy baskets.” Kabob was seen driving away from the Athletic Department in his new Jaguar after the press conference even though he is not old enough to drive and doesn’t have his driver’s license. Photo by DeWeazil Zappa Abdul Kabob-Kaboom Tall sucker, ain't he. Hartless leaves for TCU Toads University of Oregon basketball coach Dick Hartless signed a multi-year contract today to coach the Texas Christian Univer sity football team. Hartless, who has coached at Oregon the past seven years and introduced the Kamikaze and samurai styles of basketball to Oregon, has also signed a contract to be a drill instructor with the ROTC proqram at TCU. Dr. John Nova-Caine, Oregon athletic di rector, said Hartless told him several days ago that he was staying on at the University after it was rumored Hartless was re enlisting in the Marine Corps. It was previously rumored that Hartless was sought by the Marines to be one of their top drill instructors at their College Station, Pennsylvania, base. However, the Immorald has learned that the Athletic Department refused Hartless’ request for a 10-year advance in salary, which is rumored to be in the area of $90,000 per year. Apparently Hartless had fallen behind in payments for his chauffeured Mercedes 600 limousine, his $190,000 1920-vintage Victorian home near Hendricks Park and condominium project at Florence and to Pac-8 official Mel Floss. Nova-Caine, in an official statement, said his hands were tied when it comes to giving large advances in pay like that requested by Hart less. There’s nothing I can do about it,” said Nova-Caine. “Hell, we get requests like this every day from the coaches and everyday we have to turn them down. "They know we don’t have that kind of money laying around. Strange, though how everyone seems to have a sick mother in the hospital.” "And then, what if we had given him the money? He might have skipped town and ended up as coach at Penn State or some Kamikaze Kid deprogrammer arrives In what he calls “the most dif ficult case I’ve ever handled,” Dr. Wemer von Jockstrap, world fam ous religious deprogrammer and part-time gynecologist, arrived in Eugene this week to begin at tempts at deprogramming mem bers of the Oregon Duck basket ball team. Von Jockstrap was brought to Eugene at the request of new Oregon basketball coach Jim Heyme. Upon examining team members Thursday, the doctor was stunned by what he found. “Vut ve have here is a bunch of neo-robots. Dees boys are in very bad shape. It’s going to be a monumental challenge," von Jockstrap exclaimed. Although he acknowledges the difficulty of the task that lays ahead for him, von Jockstrap be lieves that the team should be able to resume playing normal basketball again. However, one individual may be a lost cause. “Dis one they call Mikey Bulldog is a very, very sick boy. He may be a lost cause. He goes around run ning into vails and jumping on de floor for no reason at all. He’s con stantly mumbling hold it don't drive, hold it don’t drive,” von Jockstrap moaned. Von Jockstrap said Divine Mas ter Dick Hartless had a powerful hold over the players and much physical abuse may have to be applied in order for the depro Oregon Daily Emerald gramming to be successful. Therapy will include securing the players in an upright position and repeatedly rolling basketballs in front of them. The players will also be forced to shoot the ball without passing it first and make the shot within five attempts. i apid Cloning Cooperative Cloning • ii iir\^ ii iai. Page 9 Section B
