sprots
Eighth
grader
drafted
Interim basketball coaches Marc
Earwig and Earnie Spent today an
nounced the signing of a 7-10 pre-prep
basketball star for next year’s team.
Abdul Kabob-Kaboom, an eighth
grader at Cal Young school in Eugene,
has announced that he will sign a letter
of intent to play basketball with the
Ducks next season.
Kabob-Kaboom, 95 pounds, has
scored all his team’s points the past two
years and blocked all opponents shots
except for free throws.
When asked if the signing of an eighth
grader to a letter of intent was a little
much, Earwig replied “Philadelphia
(76ers) signed Darryl Dawkins and At
lanta Hawks signed Bill Willoughby out
of high school so why can’t we sign
some of the top talent in the junior high
pool?”
Spent said the pimply-faced Kabob
Kaboom would have no trouble adjust
ing to the college game, with perhaps
one exception.
“Junior high baskets are two feet
lower than are collegiate baskets,” said
Spent. Kabob’s father, Shish, previously
played on winning Duck teams, during
the years 1955-56-57. The older Kabob
was not the star player that his son could
be, getting continually burned when
playing under fire in pressure-cooker
situations.
“He sure is a tall sucker,” said Tall.
“You know, he’s so skinny, we can play
him sideways in the key and the other
team won’t be able to see him there and
we can throw him the ball all the time for
easy baskets.”
Kabob was seen driving away from
the Athletic Department in his new
Jaguar after the press conference even
though he is not old enough to drive and
doesn’t have his driver’s license.
Photo by DeWeazil Zappa
Abdul Kabob-Kaboom
Tall sucker, ain't he.
Hartless
leaves for
TCU Toads
University of Oregon basketball coach
Dick Hartless signed a multi-year contract
today to coach the Texas Christian Univer
sity football team.
Hartless, who has coached at Oregon the
past seven years and introduced the
Kamikaze and samurai styles of basketball
to Oregon, has also signed a contract to be
a drill instructor with the ROTC proqram at
TCU.
Dr. John Nova-Caine, Oregon athletic di
rector, said Hartless told him several days
ago that he was staying on at the University
after it was rumored Hartless was re
enlisting in the Marine Corps.
It was previously rumored that Hartless
was sought by the Marines to be one of their
top drill instructors at their College Station,
Pennsylvania, base.
However, the Immorald has learned that
the Athletic Department refused Hartless’
request for a 10-year advance in salary,
which is rumored to be in the area of
$90,000 per year.
Apparently Hartless had fallen behind in
payments for his chauffeured Mercedes
600 limousine, his $190,000 1920-vintage
Victorian home near Hendricks Park and
condominium project at Florence and to
Pac-8 official Mel Floss.
Nova-Caine, in an official statement, said
his hands were tied when it comes to giving
large advances in pay like that requested by
Hart less.
There’s nothing I can do about it,” said
Nova-Caine. “Hell, we get requests like this
every day from the coaches and everyday
we have to turn them down.
"They know we don’t have that kind of
money laying around. Strange, though how
everyone seems to have a sick mother in
the hospital.”
"And then, what if we had given him the
money? He might have skipped town and
ended up as coach at Penn State or some
Kamikaze Kid deprogrammer arrives
In what he calls “the most dif
ficult case I’ve ever handled,” Dr.
Wemer von Jockstrap, world fam
ous religious deprogrammer and
part-time gynecologist, arrived in
Eugene this week to begin at
tempts at deprogramming mem
bers of the Oregon Duck basket
ball team.
Von Jockstrap was brought to
Eugene at the request of new
Oregon basketball coach Jim
Heyme. Upon examining team
members Thursday, the doctor
was stunned by what he found.
“Vut ve have here is a bunch of
neo-robots. Dees boys are in very
bad shape. It’s going to be a
monumental challenge," von
Jockstrap exclaimed.
Although he acknowledges the
difficulty of the task that lays
ahead for him, von Jockstrap be
lieves that the team should be
able to resume playing normal
basketball again. However, one
individual may be a lost cause.
“Dis one they call Mikey Bulldog
is a very, very sick boy. He may be
a lost cause. He goes around run
ning into vails and jumping on de
floor for no reason at all. He’s con
stantly mumbling hold it don't
drive, hold it don’t drive,” von
Jockstrap moaned.
Von Jockstrap said Divine Mas
ter Dick Hartless had a powerful
hold over the players and much
physical abuse may have to be
applied in order for the depro
Oregon Daily Emerald
gramming to be successful.
Therapy will include securing
the players in an upright position
and repeatedly rolling basketballs
in front of them. The players will
also be forced to shoot the ball
without passing it first and make
the shot within five attempts.
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