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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (April 7, 1978)
Whinesteen opens Vaseline franchise Lane County Commissioner Archie Whinesteen Thursday opened what he hopes will be a multi-million dollar Vaseline franchise in the River Clara-Santa Road area. “It’s a natural,” Whinesteen said. "Any good bedroom com munity needs it, and I think I’ll be able to find a few uses for it in and out of the Hairless Hall meeting area.” Whinesteen added the Vas eline might be used for one of his most famous Hairless Hall tricks, the “Gavel Enema.” “I promised that I would get a big jar of it and now I’ll be able to for sure," he grinned. In opening the franchise, Whi nesteen poon-poohed charges that he woudd pay fewer taxes on the county property, thanks to his status as county commissioner. “I’ll sue the pants off anyone that says I m not as nonesi ariu American as mother, chicken soup and bagels,” Whinesteen said. “And my lawyer, Shy Lock, and I will keep on suing, no matter how many times my case gets thrown out of court. Whinesteen also said there would be conflict of interest be Official staggers into detox center Lane County Commissioner Flaky Rust today entered Serenity Lane detoxification center after yet another bout with “that devil booze." “I am no longer able to perform my function as a Lane County Commissioner, if I ever really was,” Rust said. "In fact I don’t remember being a commissioner. After the election night party, it’s all just one big blur.” Rust will undergo shock therapy as well as aversion therapy. “I’ve always had an aversion to therapy, and now, it’s bound to get worse,” Rust said. Rust decided to go into Serenity Lane after a series of drinking in cidents hampered his abilities as a commissioner, as well as his cre dibility as a public servant, a spokesman close to the belea gured commissioner said. Among those incidents were: • Using a gavel and a jar of Vas eline in obscene fashion at a re cent meeting in Hairless Hall. • Emptying a beer bottle over the head of a policeman near Dex trides Reservoir. • Climbing over automobile hoods in the parking lot of a Chinese-ltalian-Swedish-Hun garian restaurant. Rust will stay in the detox center “for as long as it takes for him to get his head together, man,” a Rust spokesman said. Reached for comment on the loss of one-third of the county’s triumvirate, commissioner Archie Whinesteen said he was sure county government ‘would con tinue in its usual, methodical and incident-free style.” Commissioner Bob Would voi ced similar feelings, adding, “Again, I just don’t see how the hell this will put me in whichever office I’m running for.” iwewii ms> new uusiriess ana ms desire to use the product he sells during meetings. "I sent George Kramit to Salem last week to check on the legality of it,” Whinesteen said of a trip by Kramit to the state capitol on county time in a county care on county and state roads to visit a state building. Kramit said he didn’t recall exactly what the meet ing was about. Commissioner Flaky Rust could not be reached for comment on what now seemed to be his in creased chances for Whinesteen's enema treatment, but a spokesman said Rust “knows where Whinesteen’s head’s at, so we know where he's coming from, man.” Reached for comment after the petroleum jelly franchise had been officially opened, commis sioner Bob Would said, "I just don’t see its relevance to my cam paign for whichever office I’ve de cided to run for now." The Federal Environmental Guardian Agency (EGA) has approved a temporary field-burning plan for summer 1978. With a major modification, the state requested burning acreage of 180,000 was okayed by the EGA. Instead of the tradi tional field burning techniques, the EGA proposes to bring in National Guard units to napalm grass-seed growers’ fields on a ro tation basis. “We feel the napalm approach will be faster and more efficient — when we’re through, the fields will be as clean as a hound’s tooth,” said EGA spokesman Doublas McArthur. “And, it will be over so quickly the people of Eugene-Springfield should hardly notice.” ...of environmental inconsequence McArthur said the lower Willamette Val ley might be a little black for a few days, “but that's better than a couple of months of field burning.” He added the National Guardsmen would handle air pollution complaints, in addition to the napaiming. Three Liberian oil tankers have gone aground near the coast of Tierra Del Fuego in the last five days, greasing up that small country’s shores. However, resourceful residents say they don't mind; they have been retrieving the oil by skimming the water’s surface. Major Jim Honola of the coastal town Salejo says the oil has been useful in the major local industry — the production of hair tonic. “We ordinarily import vegetable oil to make our tonic,” Honola told Immorald’s Salejo correspondent, "but this was just too good to pass up. We don’t think customers around the world will notice any difference. The spillage is high-grade crude oil.” The annual Australian platypus hunt has met with opposition from the Marine Mam mal Protective League (MMPL). For decades, Australian hunters have harvested aged platypuses for their bills, which are ground and sold to Tierra Del fuegans as an aphrodisiac. The hunters kill the elderly platypuses by smothering them in rubber raincoats, after luring them onshore with bagpipe music. Hundreds are slaughtered in this manner every fall, when their beaks are bright red. The older the platypus, the brighter red its bill. “We intend to stop this senseless slaugh ter,” said MMPL Pres. Jason Killjoy. “It’s pitiful to see the old platypuses trying to hobble away from the raincoat-waving hunters. They try to hide under rocks, while their children and grandchildren watch. Be sides, the aphrodisiac doesn’t work, any way.” The platypus hunters remain firm in their intention to carry out the hunt. A spokesman for the hunters said the bill harvest has con tributed to their income for more than 50 years, without harming the platypus popula tion. He also said the killing is very humane: “It’s really quite painless, and they love the bagpipe music,” N ." " Soviets lead United States in kumquat race WASHINGTON, D.C., The Pen tagon said today that the United States is falling behind the Soviet Union in the kumquat race. Gen. Perry Noid, chairer of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said a record kumquat harvest in Russia this past summer has tipped the scales in the Soviet’s favor. He called on Pres. Jimmy Kotter and Congress to “immediately take steps to bolster the sagging national defense.” Secretary of State Morton L. Salt backed up Noid’s assertions and called the kumquat harvest “essential” to the nation’s de fense. Kumquats are a tiny citrus fruit vital to the mechanisms of missies and limousines. s,_/ ■.x wmmmm Male, 15 (severe acne) $708 Female. 12 (housebroken) $800 ' e 1 wli mt%r 1 f 1 ■ MWt, 2? (good teeth) $1000 Female, 18 (good leg*) $1300 The pellets shown above are the America’s Step ’n Fetchit collection. Da Beres Consolidated Slaves. Our South African investments serve you. you c At any price an afford to be choosy Because the value of every slave is determined by four characteristics (color, lc/ality. stamina, dancing ability), you can ai vays use these qualities to your best advan tage. By just adding water to these tiny pellets, you too can have your own foot-licking, graveling slave, capable of fulfilling your every wish and whim. On the other hand, you may feel service isn't the most important quality. Then you should choose a slave for status. You would be the envy of the other students as your slave waits in the dorm food service lines while you casually sit at the table of your choice. Professors could lounge around home while their slaves handle the whiny students during office hours. But the important thing to remember is to buy a slave you’ll be happiest with. Cheap labor is hard to get. And for that reason alone you should be choosy. A slave lasts a lifetime. Handicapped kids to stand up to policy By BUCKY BEAVERO Of the Immorald Members of ASLEEP, a hand icapped student organization, say they plan to take a firm stand on the University’s policy of making all buildings on campus inacces sible to them. Under federal guidelines, all University buildings must be ac cessible to handicapped students by May, 1980. University officials are protesting the guidelines, say ing they don’t want to expend the money for a handful of students. "As a matter of fact, we plan to do everything we can to discour age handicapped students from attending this institution," said Af firmative Reaction Director Myhna Bird. "They shouldn’t be here anyway.” ASLEEP Director Jessie Fall down said he’s going to tip his wheelchair over backwards to make sure the University isn’t al lowed “to get away with this" pol icy. "You can't believe all the crap we have to put up with,” said Fall down. “Some of the wheelchair ramps are killers. They’re steep and they have 45 degree turns at the bottom. The one at Susan Campbell Hall is especially bad. I must have wiped out on that one at least 10 times,” he continued. Some campus buildings dont have elevators, forcing handicap ped students to crawl or wheel their chairs up stairs. “This can be a real hassle. I personally have eight-inch biceps and have trouble cruising up stairs in my chair, but pity the poor para plegic,” Falldown said. Students who can’t handle the stairs are forced to communicate with professors through win downs. “It’s not too bad with professors on first or second floor offices, but megaphones don’t even work for professors with offices on the top floor of PLC,” said Falldown. “All we’re asking for is an even break,” Falldown said. Bird ans wered saying she’d give them an even break in the arm. “Then they wouldn’t be able to wheel their chairs. Maybe we’J fi nally be rid of them. The University just can’t afford to sink money into buildings like that,” she said. Bird says she keeps busy com ing up with plots to sabotage minority groups, like the hand icapped. Lately she's obtained hints from Oral Roberts University (ORU). "They (ORU) have an excellent policy. If a student doesn’t reach a desirable weight through physical education classes, he’s given the boot. I think we ought to instigate this plan here,” said Bird. Law school constructs its version of Berlin Wall Barbed wire, guard dogs and pill boxes sprung up around the University Law School Thursday night, an apparent attempt to stead the tide of non-law student use of the school. ASUO Pres. Gary Fieldhand, in a telephone interview from a California resort, decried the ac tion as “a travesty to education and reminiscent of the Berlin Wall.” Previously, law school officials alleged many undergraduates were misusing the law school facilities. Officials claimed they found evidence of corpus delicti, corpus juris, modus operandi, and e pluribus unum occurring throughout the law school facilities. Law School Dean Chapped Clark said attempts to control un dergraduate behavior through the use of beatings and cattle prods were not stiff enough. “More stringent measures were necessary," he said. “We believe these new obstacles will stifle further behavior which degrades our school. Besides, it's our school and we paid for it.” Fieldhand said once he finishes his two-month tour of the Sun Belt, he plans to have his staff take swift action against the law school to remedy the situation. Page 7 Section B
