Whinesteen opens Vaseline franchise
Lane County Commissioner
Archie Whinesteen Thursday
opened what he hopes will be a
multi-million dollar Vaseline
franchise in the River Clara-Santa
Road area.
“It’s a natural,” Whinesteen
said. "Any good bedroom com
munity needs it, and I think I’ll be
able to find a few uses for it in and
out of the Hairless Hall meeting
area.”
Whinesteen added the Vas
eline might be used for one of his
most famous Hairless Hall tricks,
the “Gavel Enema.”
“I promised that I would get a
big jar of it and now I’ll be able to
for sure," he grinned.
In opening the franchise, Whi
nesteen poon-poohed charges
that he woudd pay fewer taxes on
the county property, thanks to his
status as county commissioner.
“I’ll sue the pants off anyone
that says I m not as nonesi ariu
American as mother, chicken
soup and bagels,” Whinesteen
said. “And my lawyer, Shy Lock,
and I will keep on suing, no matter
how many times my case gets
thrown out of court.
Whinesteen also said there
would be conflict of interest be
Official staggers into detox center
Lane County Commissioner
Flaky Rust today entered Serenity
Lane detoxification center after
yet another bout with “that devil
booze."
“I am no longer able to perform
my function as a Lane County
Commissioner, if I ever really
was,” Rust said. "In fact I don’t
remember being a commissioner.
After the election night party, it’s
all just one big blur.”
Rust will undergo shock therapy
as well as aversion therapy.
“I’ve always had an aversion to
therapy, and now, it’s bound to get
worse,” Rust said.
Rust decided to go into Serenity
Lane after a series of drinking in
cidents hampered his abilities as a
commissioner, as well as his cre
dibility as a public servant, a
spokesman close to the belea
gured commissioner said.
Among those incidents were:
• Using a gavel and a jar of Vas
eline in obscene fashion at a re
cent meeting in Hairless Hall.
• Emptying a beer bottle over the
head of a policeman near Dex
trides Reservoir.
• Climbing over automobile
hoods in the parking lot of a
Chinese-ltalian-Swedish-Hun
garian restaurant.
Rust will stay in the detox center
“for as long as it takes for him to
get his head together, man,” a
Rust spokesman said.
Reached for comment on the
loss of one-third of the county’s
triumvirate, commissioner Archie
Whinesteen said he was sure
county government ‘would con
tinue in its usual, methodical and
incident-free style.”
Commissioner Bob Would voi
ced similar feelings, adding,
“Again, I just don’t see how the
hell this will put me in whichever
office I’m running for.”
iwewii ms> new uusiriess ana ms
desire to use the product he sells
during meetings.
"I sent George Kramit to Salem
last week to check on the legality
of it,” Whinesteen said of a trip by
Kramit to the state capitol on
county time in a county care on
county and state roads to visit a
state building. Kramit said he
didn’t recall exactly what the meet
ing was about.
Commissioner Flaky Rust could
not be reached for comment on
what now seemed to be his in
creased chances for
Whinesteen's enema treatment,
but a spokesman said Rust
“knows where Whinesteen’s
head’s at, so we know where he's
coming from, man.”
Reached for comment after the
petroleum jelly franchise had
been officially opened, commis
sioner Bob Would said, "I just
don’t see its relevance to my cam
paign for whichever office I’ve de
cided to run for now."
The Federal Environmental Guardian
Agency (EGA) has approved a temporary
field-burning plan for summer 1978.
With a major modification, the state
requested burning acreage of 180,000 was
okayed by the EGA. Instead of the tradi
tional field burning techniques, the EGA
proposes to bring in National Guard units to
napalm grass-seed growers’ fields on a ro
tation basis.
“We feel the napalm approach will be
faster and more efficient — when we’re
through, the fields will be as clean as a
hound’s tooth,” said EGA spokesman
Doublas McArthur. “And, it will be over so
quickly the people of Eugene-Springfield
should hardly notice.”
...of environmental inconsequence
McArthur said the lower Willamette Val
ley might be a little black for a few days, “but
that's better than a couple of months of field
burning.”
He added the National Guardsmen
would handle air pollution complaints, in
addition to the napaiming.
Three Liberian oil tankers have gone
aground near the coast of Tierra Del Fuego
in the last five days, greasing up that small
country’s shores.
However, resourceful residents say they
don't mind; they have been retrieving the oil
by skimming the water’s surface.
Major Jim Honola of the coastal town
Salejo says the oil has been useful in the
major local industry — the production of
hair tonic.
“We ordinarily import vegetable oil to
make our tonic,” Honola told Immorald’s
Salejo correspondent, "but this was just too
good to pass up. We don’t think customers
around the world will notice any difference.
The spillage is high-grade crude oil.”
The annual Australian platypus hunt has
met with opposition from the Marine Mam
mal Protective League (MMPL).
For decades, Australian hunters have
harvested aged platypuses for their bills,
which are ground and sold to Tierra Del
fuegans as an aphrodisiac.
The hunters kill the elderly platypuses by
smothering them in rubber raincoats, after
luring them onshore with bagpipe music.
Hundreds are slaughtered in this manner
every fall, when their beaks are bright red.
The older the platypus, the brighter red its
bill.
“We intend to stop this senseless slaugh
ter,” said MMPL Pres. Jason Killjoy.
“It’s pitiful to see the old platypuses trying
to hobble away from the raincoat-waving
hunters. They try to hide under rocks, while
their children and grandchildren watch. Be
sides, the aphrodisiac doesn’t work, any
way.”
The platypus hunters remain firm in their
intention to carry out the hunt. A spokesman
for the hunters said the bill harvest has con
tributed to their income for more than 50
years, without harming the platypus popula
tion.
He also said the killing is very humane:
“It’s really quite painless, and they love the
bagpipe music,”
N
." "
Soviets lead
United States
in kumquat race
WASHINGTON, D.C., The Pen
tagon said today that the United
States is falling behind the Soviet
Union in the kumquat race.
Gen. Perry Noid, chairer of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff, said a record
kumquat harvest in Russia this
past summer has tipped the
scales in the Soviet’s favor.
He called on Pres. Jimmy Kotter
and Congress to “immediately
take steps to bolster the sagging
national defense.”
Secretary of State Morton L.
Salt backed up Noid’s assertions
and called the kumquat harvest
“essential” to the nation’s de
fense.
Kumquats are a tiny citrus fruit
vital to the mechanisms of missies
and limousines.
s,_/
■.x
wmmmm
Male, 15 (severe acne)
$708
Female. 12 (housebroken)
$800
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e 1 wli mt%r 1 f 1
■
MWt, 2? (good teeth)
$1000
Female, 18 (good leg*)
$1300
The pellets shown above are the America’s Step ’n Fetchit collection.
Da Beres Consolidated Slaves.
Our South African investments serve you.
you c
At any price
an afford to be choosy
Because the value of every slave is
determined by four characteristics (color,
lc/ality. stamina, dancing ability), you can
ai vays use these qualities to your best advan
tage.
By just adding water to these tiny pellets,
you too can have your own foot-licking,
graveling slave, capable of fulfilling your
every wish and whim.
On the other hand, you may feel service
isn't the most important quality. Then you
should choose a slave for status.
You would be the envy of the other
students as your slave waits in the dorm food
service lines while you casually sit at the table
of your choice. Professors could lounge
around home while their slaves handle the
whiny students during office hours.
But the important thing to remember is
to buy a slave you’ll be happiest with. Cheap
labor is hard to get.
And for that reason alone you should be
choosy.
A slave lasts a lifetime.
Handicapped kids
to stand up to policy
By BUCKY BEAVERO
Of the Immorald
Members of ASLEEP, a hand
icapped student organization, say
they plan to take a firm stand on
the University’s policy of making
all buildings on campus inacces
sible to them.
Under federal guidelines, all
University buildings must be ac
cessible to handicapped students
by May, 1980. University officials
are protesting the guidelines, say
ing they don’t want to expend the
money for a handful of students.
"As a matter of fact, we plan to
do everything we can to discour
age handicapped students from
attending this institution," said Af
firmative Reaction Director Myhna
Bird. "They shouldn’t be here
anyway.”
ASLEEP Director Jessie Fall
down said he’s going to tip his
wheelchair over backwards to
make sure the University isn’t al
lowed “to get away with this" pol
icy.
"You can't believe all the crap
we have to put up with,” said Fall
down. “Some of the wheelchair
ramps are killers. They’re steep
and they have 45 degree turns at
the bottom. The one at Susan
Campbell Hall is especially bad. I
must have wiped out on that one
at least 10 times,” he continued.
Some campus buildings dont
have elevators, forcing handicap
ped students to crawl or wheel
their chairs up stairs.
“This can be a real hassle. I
personally have eight-inch biceps
and have trouble cruising up stairs
in my chair, but pity the poor para
plegic,” Falldown said.
Students who can’t handle the
stairs are forced to communicate
with professors through win
downs.
“It’s not too bad with professors
on first or second floor offices, but
megaphones don’t even work for
professors with offices on the top
floor of PLC,” said Falldown.
“All we’re asking for is an even
break,” Falldown said. Bird ans
wered saying she’d give them an
even break in the arm.
“Then they wouldn’t be able to
wheel their chairs. Maybe we’J fi
nally be rid of them. The University
just can’t afford to sink money into
buildings like that,” she said.
Bird says she keeps busy com
ing up with plots to sabotage
minority groups, like the hand
icapped. Lately she's obtained
hints from Oral Roberts University
(ORU).
"They (ORU) have an excellent
policy. If a student doesn’t reach a
desirable weight through physical
education classes, he’s given the
boot. I think we ought to instigate
this plan here,” said Bird.
Law school constructs
its version of Berlin Wall
Barbed wire, guard dogs and
pill boxes sprung up around the
University Law School Thursday
night, an apparent attempt to
stead the tide of non-law student
use of the school.
ASUO Pres. Gary Fieldhand, in
a telephone interview from a
California resort, decried the ac
tion as “a travesty to education
and reminiscent of the Berlin
Wall.”
Previously, law school officials
alleged many undergraduates
were misusing the law school
facilities. Officials claimed they
found evidence of corpus delicti,
corpus juris, modus operandi, and
e pluribus unum occurring
throughout the law school
facilities.
Law School Dean Chapped
Clark said attempts to control un
dergraduate behavior through the
use of beatings and cattle prods
were not stiff enough.
“More stringent measures were
necessary," he said. “We believe
these new obstacles will stifle
further behavior which degrades
our school. Besides, it's our
school and we paid for it.”
Fieldhand said once he finishes
his two-month tour of the Sun Belt,
he plans to have his staff take swift
action against the law school to
remedy the situation.
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