Image provided by: Yamhill County Historical Society; McMinnville, OR
About The Yamhill County reporter. (McMinnville, Or.) 1886-1904 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 24, 1902)
A Wee Difficult Digestion Drop. Sandy—And will ye tak’ a drap o’ whisky afore you you gang hame? That is dyspepsia. Tamilian—Ah, weel just a wee drap It makes lite miserable. Its sufferers eat not because they want la, ple. Sandy—Then say when, laddie. — but simply because they must. They know they are irritable and fretful; 1 Tanmias—Nay, mon, the glass will say when. but they cannot be otherwise. Making the Punishment Fit Crime. Vigorous but Futile, Mrs. Boreum(hopelessly)—Mortimer, 1 cannot make Willie mind. Mr. Boreum (sternly)—Willie, do as your mother wishes or I will make you go and sit in a cozy corner.”—Brook lyn Eagle. Wealthy Patient—What is your bill for amputating my leg? Eminent Surgeon—Three hundred dollars, sir. Wealthy Patient (filling out a check) — Iliat's u worthy effort, doctor, but it »ill never restore the leg to its normal length—Chicago Tribune. The Clouds of Doubt. They complain of a bad taste in the Neither Small Nor Short. “He has told me that he loved me,” mouth, a tenderness at the pit of the stom “‘Andrew Carnegie is a small man.” said the fair girl, “but I don’t know ach, an uneasy feeling of puffy fulness, headache, heartburn and what not. “Small! There’s never been any whether to marry him or not.” The effectual remedy, proved by perma “1 am sure he does his best to tell nent cures of thousands of severe cases, is thing small about Carnegie.” H ood ' s F ills are tire beat cathartic. Useless Friends. Electric Road to Mt. Blanc. Then He Get, Noisy. When It's Contagious. Hoax—I wonder if insomnia is ever contagious? Joax—Well, I find it affects me whenever our baby has it.—Philadel phia Record. Rheumatism and Neuralgia will not live under the same roof with Hamlin's Wizard Oil. 50 cents a bottle. • ________________ Mrs. Biggs—Your husband isn’t much for show. He always dresses very quietly. Mrs. Diggs—Huh! You ought to hear him sometimes when his collar button rolls under the dresser.—Chicago Daily News. During the past summer an electric railroad was completed to the foot of Mount Blanc at Chamounix, which makes it possible to reach that place from Geneva in three and three quarters hours. But recently the journey was by dilgience and took the greater part of a day. A Woman's Mercy Fad. An Inspiration. OUT OF DEATH’S JEWS O’Hoolahan—.Will, the barn is paint ed an’ Oi’ll take thot money if it’s all the same to you. _________ Ottinger (surprised)—Why, you can’t THRILLING RESCUE OF A UTICA have painted it so soon, Pat! WOMAN. O’Hoolahan (triumphantly)— Sure, Oi hov, sir. Oi mixed the yellow paint The Story of the Evant a. Told by Mi-., for the first coat wid the grane for the Tncker A Horrible Experience second, an’ Oi put both coats on to With n Happy Ending. gether to save time.— Brooklyn Eagle. Changing a Camel Path. The camel path which for centuries has formed the only connection be tween Jersusalem and Nablus (Sy- chem) has at last been made into a carriage road nearly twenty feet wide. F|TC Permanently Cured. So fits or nervousuee lllw after first lav’* meof l»r Kline’s Great Nerve Itartorer. Send lor Fit EE $*¿.00 trial bottle and treat ise. D r .R.H K link . Ltd..931 Arch St.. Philadelphia. Pau How Mrs. Anna M. Tucker, of 352 No Model. 1 Kossuth avenue, Utica, N. Y., was •‘I know a man whose wife never Edith—Why do you think Mr. Field saved from a horrible fate when death’s spoke a word to him about money,” he | jaws were almost closing upon her is said. means business? Ethel—He has asked me why I did told in the following statement made “What a model husband he must by her to a reporter. not attend cooking school. have been!” remarked a woman in the “It was soon after the birth of my company. Mothers will find Mrs. Winslow’s Sooth little boy,” she said. “Three different “What a model wife, I should say, ing Syrup the best remedy to use tor their doctors had done their best for me, but rather,” corrected the second man. children during the teething period. they all failed to do me any good. Mv “I don’t know about that,” said the case seemed to be a combination of first speaker, “she was deaf and Life's Little Frictions. nervous and stomach troubles. I had “Are you getting ready for winter?” fainting spells, my food did not digest dumb.”—Salt Lake lieraid. “Oh, yes; we’e had our last scrap and caused me great distress. My head A Thoroughbred. with the ice man and have begun to ■ felt very badly and at times I was de She—Is it true that when you pro- quarrel with the coal man.”—Detroit lirious. I lost in weight from 130 to posed to me you didn’t know whether Free Press. 98 pounds, I had no color, my feet and I van worth a penny? hands were cold and my limbs had a He—Absolutely. But I always was Piso's Cure for Consumption is an infal prickly sensation as though asleep. I willing to take chances — Detroit Free lible medicine for coughs and colds.—N. W. S amuel . Ocean Grove. N. J., Feb. 17, was not refreshed by sleep although I Press. 1900._____ _________________ slept heavily. I learned of Dr. Wil liams’ Pink Pills from a published case A Chinese Pen. lhe Language. similar to mine that had been cured by The Chinese pen from time imme Floor Walker—Do you wish to look the pills. I took three or four boxes at some suitings and some trouserings? before I was certain that I was being morial has been a brush made of some De Jones—No; I want to see some benefitted, but continued their use until j soft hair and used to paint the curiously formed letters of the Chinese alphabet. collaring« and cuffings. I was entirely cured. “I am glad to recommend Dr. Wil Didn’t Keep Count. DEAFNESS CANNOT BE CURED liams’ Pink Pills for Pale People for “How many times did you vote in By local application«, a« they cannot reach the they are the medicine that saved my the election?” diseased portion or the ear.' There is only one I do not believe that ordinary way to cure deafness, and that is by constitu life. “Marse Tom,” was the reply, “ain’t tional remedies. Deafness is caused by an in medicine could have cured me.” you knowed me long ’nuff ter know dat flamed condition of the mucous lining of the Although Mrs. Tucker’s was a severe I don’t know nuttin’ ’bout ’rithmetic?” Eustachian Tube. When this tube gets in flamed you have a rumbling sound or imper case, Dr. Williams’ Pink Pills cured —Atlanta Constitution. fect hearing, and when it is entirely closed Lesser troubles yield even more deafness is the result, and unless the inflamma her. tion can be taken out and this tube restored to readily to the potent action of this mar Providing Himself With Business. its normal condition, hearing will be destroyed Not only will these forever; nine cases out ot ten are caused by velous medicine. “ You run your automobile very fast catarrh, which is nothing but an inflamed pills cure cases similar to Mrs. Tuck through the streets,” said the friend condition of the mucous surfaces. er ’ s, but they have been proven to be We will give One Hundred Dollars for any to the doctor. Case of Dealness (caused by catarrh) that can an unfailing specific for such diseases “Yes,” replied the man of pills and not be cured by Hall's Catarrh Cure. Send for as locomotor ataxia, partial paralysis, bills, “I’m always in a hurry to get Circulars, free. F. J. CHENEY A CO., Toledo, O. St. Vitus’ Dance, sciatica, neuralgia, there; and, besides, when times are a Sold by Druggists, 75c rheumatism, nervous headache, after little dull I can pick up a few cases on Hall's Family Pills are the best. effects ol grip, of fevers and of other the way.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. acute diseases, palpitation of the It Depends. First Chappie — f say, old chap, heart, pale and sallow complexions The Easiest Way. I’m going to a big shoot. What sort and all forms of weakness either in Husband—What are you doing in my male or female. Dr. Williams’ Pink of a tip should I give the keeper? pockets. Haven’t you any money? Second Chappie — It depends on Pills for Pale People are sold by all Wife—I have money of my own, but dealers, or will be sent postpaid on re where you hit him.—London Punch. a man’s pockets are so much easier to ceipt of price, fifty cents a box, or six find. boxes for two dollars and a half (they are never sold in bulk or by the hun dred) by addressing Dr. Williams For Infants and Children. Medicine Co., Schenectady, N. Y. | They act directly on the blood and nerves. Avoid imitations; substitutes never cured anybody. Signature of A Straw. CASTOR IA The Kind You Have Always Bought A Cinch. The Boss—No I must have a married Chasing the Foxy. She—Is your ,friend going to marry man for this position. Applicant—Just keep it open for an the widow? He—I think not. He told me he hour. It’s easier to get married than it is to get a job. had a better offer.—Smart Set. No ExternzS Symptoms. The blood may be in bad condition, yet with no external signs, no skin eruption or sores to indicate it. The symptoms in such cases being a variable appetite, poor digestion, an indescribable weakness and nervousness, loss of flesh and a general run-down condition of the system — clearly showing the blood has lost its nutritive qualities, las become thir and watery. It is in just such cases that S. S. S. has done some of its quickest and most effective work by building up the blood and supplying the elements lacking to make it strong and vigorous. His Real Reason. Biffkins—I tell you I hate to think of my wife going away on a vacation. Bilkins—I dare say you will be lone ly, old man. Biffkins—It isn’t that, but she always mowed our lawn.—Boston Post Detected. " 3 I- 5 OIL. ED CLOTHINC Explained. “She brags because her hushnad de signs all her dresses. Aren’t they hid eous?” “I went to school with him. He always was color blind.” A Great Orchard Man. BLACK OR How He Kept Up. “Well. Billy, how did camping go?” “Oh, all right; I slipped off to the farm houses around now and then and got a square meal on the sly.” It contains full directions for garden work and many useful tables for the farmer. Noone sells better Seeds than LAMRERSON’8 HEEDS. LAMBERSON - Portland, Oregon TAKE NO SUBSTITUTES CATALOGUES FREE SHOWING FULL LINE OF «ARMENT5 AND HATS. so r SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES. 1 Founded 1810 A Home School for Boys Military and Manual Training Write for Illustrated Catalogue ARTHUR C. NEWILL For The Farmer The Gtrdener and | I The Housewife | I ' nr.- They cost a little more. They worth a gre«/ deal liiote than the ordinary kind. Sold everywhere, lw« annual free. D. M. FERRY A CO. Detroit, Mich. A] PRINCIPAL w f. i R Complete Annual Cata logue for 1902, FREE! YELLOW WILL KEEP YOU DRY NOTHING ELSE WILL A. J. TOWER CO.. BOOTON. MASS In 1875 Fred Wellhouse, the Kansas “apple king,” was a wage earner. He knew a great deal about orchards, how ever, and began on a small scale to raise fruit. Now he has 1,240 acres of orchards, and his apple crop this year is 60,000 bushels. Our *•* I T As ¿¿r Little Liver Pills. Must Bear Signature of Seo FooSImlla Wrapper Below. ¡7 13 REFRESH A nd A cts . P leasantly and G ently . V FA8""’«* CARTERS To 0 VERpojAt —Barrwie line 1 CURE SICK HEADACHE. JOHN POOLE, Portland, Oregon, AooloA Morriaoa Street. Can give yea the beet bargains In Buggies. Plows. Windmills and Bolters and Engines. Pnmns and General ÀGENTS MIKE MONET P ermanently With many millions of families Syrup of Figs lias become the ideal home laxative. The combination is a simple and wholesome one, and the method of manufacture by the California Fig Syrup Company ensures that perfect purity and uniformity of product, which have commended it to the favorable consideration of the most eminent physicians and to the intelligent appreciation of all who are well informed in reference to medicinal agents. Syrup of Figs has truly a laxative effect and acts gently with out in any way disturbing the natural functions and with perfect freedom from any unpleasant after effects. In the process of manufacturing, figs are used, as they are pleasant to the taste, but the medicinally laxative principles of the combination are obtained from plants known to act most bene ficially on the 3ystem. Tò — óet its u. beneficial effects — ■* ... x______ buy ai the ^erwiirYer/A^nvifactvirecl by Keeley Cure Mir« relief horn ila «or, opium tad t>9aeee Matita. If One L oma . CONSUMPTION Sunday School Teacher — Now, Jolihny, whom, more than any body else, do you wish to see when you go to heaven? Johnny (eagerly)—Goliath.—Boston Herald. Carter's “What mkes the actor criticise you | Machinery. Bee us ueiore ouying. so severely? “My dear sir,” answered Rtorming- ton Barnes, “he hopes to make people say it is professional jealousy, thereby conveying the impression that he is in Selling my goods. Big profits. No ex my class.”—Washington Star. perience. New plan. Write for circular. Matched. Lock Box 606, Portland. Or. Mr. Drinker—I want a blue necktie to match my eyes. New Year Resolutions Salesman—I'm sorry, sir, but we are just out of blue ties; but I can sell you I one to match your nose.” THE SWIH SPECIFIC C3, ATLANTA. CA. ™ 1« made in hi« «election of seed. Send for David Discounted. Genuine All Planned. Teacher—An island is a body of land entirely surr- rinded by water. Take Cuba, for instance. Tommy—My pa says that’s what we are going to do before we get through. —Boston Herald. ,, The Farmer’s First Profit i V j “Our college colors are pink and gold,” said Miss Frocks. “Our college colors were black and blue when I was initiated into the secret societies,” added her brother.— 1 Detroit Free Press. is the greatest of all tonics, and you will ! find the appetite im proves at once, strength 1 returns, and nervousness vanishes as new I rich pure blood once more circulates through all parts of the system. S. S. S. is the only purely vegetable blood purifier known. It contains no min erals whatever. Send for our free book on blood and skin diseases and write out physicians for any information or advice Wanted No charge for medical advice. PJSO S CURE FOR A Boston woman will agitate for a law prohibiting the boiling or rousting of < hestnuts, on the ground that it in M rs . F rank C arter volves painful death of worms “whose 3 Merrill Street, Amesbury, Mass. Mr. Inane Brock, the Oldest Man in the United States. This letter should carry Faith right to life, liberty and the pursuit of and Conviction to thoHearlj happiness is no less than that of the Mr. Isaac Brock, of McLennan county, most highly dowered man.”—New of all Sica Women. Tex., has attained the great age of 111 York Tribune. “ I suffered with inflammation and years, having been born in 1788. He falling of the womb and other dis is an anient friend to Peruna and agreeable female weaknesses. I had Food Luxuries for Soldirs. speaks of it in the following terms: bad spells every two weeks that would All European armies have certain “During my long life I have known last from eight to ten days and would have to go to bed. I also had head extras weekly in the way of food. a great many remedies for coughs, ache and backache most of the time Sugar is given in England and France, colds, catarrh and diarrhoea. I had and such bearing down pains I could two gallons of beer in Russia, half a always supposed these affections to be hardly walk across the room at times. gallon of wine in Italy, three pounds of different diseases, but I have learned I doctored nearly all the time for fish in Spain, and five ounces of butter from Dr. Hartman's books that these about two years and seemed to grow in Belgium. affections are the same and are prop- worse all the time until last September ! erly called catarrh. I was obliged to take my bed, and the doctors thought an operation was the “As for Dr. Hartman’s remedy, Pe Never Heard of It. only thing that would help me, but Amazed and Delighted Foreigner (his runa, I have found it to be the best, if this I refused to have done. not the only reliable remedy for these "Then a friend advised me to try the first view of Niagara Falls)—Why ees affections. Pinkham medicine, which I did. and zees so far from Buffeelo? “Penina has been mv stand-by Native—Great Scott, mister! How after using the first bottle I began to improve. I took in all five bottles of could we move it any closer to Buffalo? for many years, and I attribute my Lydia E. Pinkham's Blood Purifier, Foreigner—How? Ees eet not u good health and my extreme age It exactly meet« four boxes of Lvdia E. Pinkham’s Dry part of zee Pan-American Expozee- to this remedy. all my requirements.” Form Compound, three boxes of Liver slieeon?—Chicago Tribune. Pills and used three packages of Sana “I have come to rely upon it almost tive Wash, and I ain as well now as I entirely for the many little things for Sideshow Gossip. ever was, I am more than thankful which I need medicine. I believe it to every day for my cure.” — M rs . F rank lie especially valuable to old people.” “ The armless wonder is a cute one. ” C artkr , 3 Merrill St., Amesbury. Mass. Isaac Brock. “What’s he been up to now?” Catarrh is the greatest enemy of old $5000" ,h,la “Sent a specimen of his writing, nial /« not genuino. Lydia E. Plnkham Medicino Ob. done with his toes, to a woman who age. A person entirely free from ca makes a business of reading character tarrh is sure to live to a hale and hearty from hand writing. But she was cute, old age. A free book on catarrh sent too. Siie wrote backthat he must lie by The Peruna Medicine Co., Colttm- Reserved Situations. “Yes, poor fellow, she married him left handed.”—Philadelphia Bulletin. j bus, 0. to reform him.” “Well?” “And now he‘s got his hands full WET WEATHER WISDOM! trying to reform her.1”—Denver Tinies. THE ORIGINAL College Colors. " My wife used sev eral bottles of S. S. S. as a blood purifier and to tone up a weak and emaciated system, with very marked effect by way of improvement. “We rega great tonic arid purifier.”— J. F. D uff , Princeton, Mo. vo I I ABSOLUTE SECURITY. Changed Plans. “Is your poor aunt consolable yet for the loss of her first husband? “Oh, yes; but now her second bus band is «inconsolable over it!”—Flie- gande Blaetter. Tells How He Escaped the Terrors of Many Winters by Using Peruna. Tom—I’m broke and I want some money. Dick—Why don’t you write to some of your friends? Tom—That’s the trouble. I’ve got too many friends. I wish I knew a stranger. the truth. But, you see, he works in “Well, then, he’s short.” “Short, with $280,000,000 to give the weather bureau.—Washington Star. away!”—Cleveland Blain Dealer. Hood’s Sarsaparilla OLDEST MIN IN AMERICA Mr. Dobbs (on the way to the races) —Nice ride to the race course, don't you think? Mr. Hobbs (nervously)— Yes, but i think what a long walk back. Mod tar particolare m V bb I bw I mb I ì I.U a IBBIDy Moved to 4'40 William« insuline, A,.., Portland. (Ireron Louiovilla. Ky. San frArxc.iaco.CAL Mew YorKNY FOR M. P. N. U. '..4 iwoi. HIN writing to arieertieers please i M i U jb this paper. W B ali BV all OWUOO'BTS PRICE 30* FCR BOTfLI p K n i I