Image provided by: Yamhill County Historical Society; McMinnville, OR
About The Telephone=register. (McMinnville, Or.) 1889-1953 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 24, 1888)
HE TELEPHONE THE TELEPHONE. =X--------------------------------------- PUBLISHED VERY FRIDAY RATES OF ADVERTISING. MORNING. WEST SIDE TELEPHONE. PUBLICATION OFFICE: ,r North of oor er Third and E Su , M c MINNVILLE. OK. SUBSCRIPTION RATES: (IX ÀDVaNÇK.i mouth........ $2 (JO 1 00 ¿0 VOL. Ill The Great MLM INN VILLE, OREGON, AUGUST 24, 1888 s, A. YOUNG, M. D. Physician & Surgeon, ranscontinental Route. MORE KICKS. SperiuienM lUastratk-.g “The Arizona UlcU- er’s” Vigorous Policy. - . . O bxoon . We extract the following from the last Office and residence on D street. All issue of The Arizona Kicker. “ O ur P olicy .—Heretofore, as our readers calls promptly answered day or night. know, The Kicker has almost entirely ab stained from publicly criticising the evils which all know to exist under our noses. VVe have becomo tired and disgusted with our selves lack v/i of pjJuikK, spunk, una and ue_ uext . week — for this lllvn . we shall open a red hot campaign on PHOTOGRAPHER. “The mayor, “The common council, “The fire department, “ All secret societies, “The saloons, McMinnville, Oregon “The gambliug dens, “Aud on various other organizations and institutions reeking with corruption. “It wih be a spicy issue. It will make more than a ton of human hair stand on end. If so be sure and call for your tickets It will tnako a thousu nd hearts thump like via the pilu drivers. Chicanery, deceit, hypocrisy, theft, robbery, arson and murder will be properly tagged off and tho tags pinned to the right coat tails. “Older your extra ««opies at an early date. Advertisers should send in their copy by Saturday. Don’t neglect this golden oppor M tunity. Another may never come.” M c M ikkvillx , fcta bit Bailread. •VIA THE------ W. V. PRICE, scade Division’ now completed, making it the Shortest, Best’ and Quickest. Ip Stairs in Adams’ Building, e Dini"« Car line' Tl”'I),rect Route- No Delays- Fastest Ttains. I.ow- * e9t Kates to Chicago and all points East. Tickets sold to all Prominent Points throughout the East and Hmitheast. irougb Pullman Drawing Room Sleep ing Cars sservations can be secured in advance. ARE YOU GOING EAST? To Ka»t Bound Passengers. Be caelul and do not mak« a mistake ut be sure to take the Northern Pacific Railroad. I “S topped H is P apjr .— Old Steve Bridge It is positively tlie shortest and finut line to Chicago and the east and soutli and man, who has several times been alluded to the only sleeping and dining car through in these columns as the meanest white man line to in Arizona, bus stopped his paper because we Omaha, Kansas^ City, and all Ml.aouri «lid not have a column editorial on the Fourth of July. He says wo are no patriot, and thut River Points. a man who can't whoop 'er up for Independ Its magnificent steel track, unsurpassed ence Day is a cussed rebel. I train service and elegant dining ’ j and “We have scratched his name off the list, sleeping cars has honestly ly earned for it the ami if he doesn’t quit lying about us we ll title of scratch his carcass off the face of the earth. >.u.ral Offlc. <rt ,h® Company, No, » I “As to the Fourth of July, we were born Wa.hlngton St., Portland, Oregon. on that day. As to patriotism, we’ve got Others may imitate,but none can surpass it more in our heels than old Steve could hold A D CHARLTON. in bis whole body. The man who intimates Our motto is “always on time ” Asst General Passenger Agent. that we don’t take our hat off every time we Be sure and ask ticket agents for ticket» hear the came of George Washington is u via this celebrated route and take none liar aud a horse thief. Our editorial on the others. W H MEAD, G A Fourth was a solid chunk of [ atriotism No. 4 Washington street. Portland, Or. weighing twenty-five jiounds, but was crowded out to make room for advertise ments. We know our gait and we think we ----- IN----- know the great need of most of our towns people. As to old Steve Bridgeman, we are McMinnville, is opened expecting two or three of bis six or seven ---- THE LEADER IN----- wives to drop in on us any day and furnish —IN— ns some powerful good reading matter. Don’t be uneasy, Stephen—we’ll get to you in a few days.”------- “W arning .—We are no fighter. We have neither the sand nor the muscle to make one. Where you will find the best of Wo always knuckle unless there’s a chance Wines and Liquors, also Opposite Grange Store McMinnville. Or to run. We admit to a dozen lickings in the last three months, and in every case we were Imported and Domestsc the only one who suffered. Cigars. Everything neat and Clean. “However, we want to warn the coyote who plastered our office door with mud the T. M. F ields , Propr. other night that the worm will turn. We are the worm. When we turn be hud better look out. We can be kicked, cuffed, in sulted and abused upto a certain limit. How far off the limit is we don’t know, but when Sample rooms in connection. we reach it we shall be a bad, bad man to o-------o fool with.”—Detroit Free Press. FLEMING, & LOGAN, Prop’s. Ind see that your tickets read via HIS LINE, St l’aul or Minneapolis, to void changes and serious delays occa- ioned by other routes. Through Emigrant bleeping ( ars run n regular express trains full length of |,e line. Berths free. Lowest rates, uiekest time- The Etoyal Route The only FIRST CLASS BAR ti 1rs. II. P. Stuart, MILLINERY, COOK’S HOTEL, Hair weaving and Stamping. TONSOB.IAL PARLOR, I The St. Charles Hotel. Shaving, Hair Cutting and- - - - - - - - Shampoing Parlors. Is now fitted up in first class order. AU kinds of fancy hair cutting done in II<>w to Write a Dialect Story. Accommodations as irood as can be tlie latest and neatest style Take a number of sheets of new white paper foun din the city. All kindi of fancy hair dressing and hair dying, a specialty Special attention given and write a story on them. Any story will do. Get your double barreled shot gun and load S. R. MESSINGER, Manager. ta Ladies' and Childrens’ Work I also have for sale a very fine assort- ’ ment of hair oils, hair tonics, cosmetics, etc O r I have in connection with my parlor, ! the largest and finest stock of Third Street, between E and F McMinnville, Oregon. CIG A1ÏS Henderson Bros. Props First-class accommodations for Ccminer cial men and general travel. Transient stock well cared for. Everything new and in First-Class Order Patronage respectfully solicited ltf Great English Remedy. Murray’s Specfic. Tsado Mark. A guaranteed cure for all nervous diseases, such as weak memory, loss of brain power, hysteria, headache, pain in the back, nervous prostration, wakefulness, leucorrhoea, uni versal lassitude, seminal weak ness, impotency. and general B T loss of power of the generative befcr» laklng,organs ¡n either sex, caused by indiscretion or over exertion, and which ultimately lead to premature Trade Mark, old age,Insanity and consump tion $l.uo per box or six boxes for $5.00,sent bv mail on receipt of price, Full particu lar» in pamphlet, sent free to every applicant. WE GUARANTEE SIX BOXES to cure any case. For every $5 00 order received, weAfter Taking, send six boxes with written guarantee to re fund the money if otir Specific does not ef fect a cure Address all communications to the Sole manufacturers THE MURRAY MEDICINE CO, Kansas City, Mo. Sold by Rogers A Todd, sole agents Wright Bro’s Dealers in Hamess. Saddles, Etc, Etc, Repairing neatly done at reasonable rates Wright's new building. Corner Third •nd F street«. McMinnville. Or PATENTS Caveat.«, and Trade Marks obtained, and .LVatent business conducted for MODER ATE FEES OUR OFFICE IS OPPOSITE ’ PATENT OFFICE We have no sub •gencies, all business direct, hence can transact patent business in less time and ’ess cost than those remote from Wash- w u.01!' model, drawing, or photo, w>tn description. We advise if patentable or not free of charge. Our fee not due till patent is secured Abo<jk. “How to Obtain Patents,” with Terences to actual clients in ♦our State. county, or town free. , Address ___ sent ______ C. A. SNOW & CO. “IT-«ite Patent Office. Washington, D C WM. HOLL, Proprietor of the Ntfai Jfflliy Store, The leading JÏWELRY ESTABLISHMENT. -OF— YAMHILL COUNTY, Third Strwt. McMinnvlU. Or it with fine bird shot. Pin your story up against the side of a barn, stand off about twenty feet, aim carefully aad let both barrels drive. If you find that there haven't been suf ficient vowels knocked out, repeat the oper ation.—Judge. Ever in the city. O“T hird S treet M c M innville . O regon . M'MINNYILLE NATIONAL •1BAI2K.I» Transacts a General Banking Business. President,............... J. W. COWLS, Vice-president, LEE LOUGHLIN. Cashier............... CLARK BRALY. Sells exchange on Portland, San Francisco, and New York. Interest allowed on time deposits. Office hours from 9 a. m. to 4 p. m Apr. 18 tf WIT AND WISDOM. —He who is in love with himself has no rival. —Some by wit get wealth, but none by wealth can purchase wit. —Some people find much fault because others frequently indulge in self-praise. —Judge. —“Woolenite” is a’ new word used to designate the man who wears garments entirely of wool. —“A principle that can not bear be ing laughed at, frowned on, and cold- shouldered, is not worthy of the name. _ It is a pretty difficult job for a wo man to make a good mother and write a good book at the same time. Bir mingham, Ala., Age. —Pride of birth may keep a man warm, but it takes something more than a coat of arms to keep off the pneumonia.— Harper s Bazar. —The man who sits down and waits to be appreciated will find himself among uncalled-for baggage after the limited express train has gone by.— Whitehall Time». —The Chinese proverb, "Do not stop to tie your shoe in a cucumber field, lest you be thought stealing," is the same as the Biblical precept, “Avoid the ap pearance of evil.” —Some men idle life away waiting for the spirit to move them, while oth ers waste time quite as recklessly look ing for a chance to move the spirits.— Merchant Traveler. —Criticism, we know, must be brief —not like poetiy. poetry, because its cnarms charms is , too intense to b* sustained, but, on the contrary, because its Interest is too weak to be prolonged. _ I have seldom seen much ostenta tion and much learning met together. The sun. rising and declining, makes long shadows; and at mid-day. when he is highest, none at all.—fid«. —No one knows the weight of another's burden, says ad exchange. To which might be added: No one cares to obtain the knowledge by giving the bearer a ’’liff on road.-Bosto" Budutt. “Whatt Leave these cool breezes summer in Canada"’ "Well, my busband is there—and”---- "Goorlness! The idea of his going there 1” "Well, he preferred Canada to Sing Sing." -Life._________________ One More Disappointment. Employer—William, you have now worked for m-> threo years. “Yes, sir." “Aud I have alwaya found you industrious, l>alustaking and honest.” “I have tried to be, sir.” “Now. I desire to show that I appreciate your fidelity." “Thank you, sir." “For iho next two months you will work on th« books until 11 o’clock every night 1 do no. fear to leave you in tlie office aloue at all. I h ive a great deal of confidence in you.”—Lincoln Journal. A Iiude’. .Joke. Fweddie’s wardrobe suffered severely in the fire at the Southern hotel. His friend Cholly, meeting him on the street, observed: "Good gwacious. Fwedilie! iVbatevah have you done with youah good ciothcal look like a twamp." "Deah boy. my clothe« are •soaked.’ “Dnah me! Didn’t know you were in such straights, my lx>y. Wuat did you get on theinf “Watah! Ha ha’"-Chicago Tribune. t I bears)—JJy tho way, Norris, what were you down stairs for half an hour ago? Mr. Norris (confusedly)—I! Why, what Incident» Illustrating the Unjust Punish are you talking about) , ment of Children. MR. NORRIS SUCCEEDS IN FINDING Barrett (persistently)—You were not In Well does the writer remember the case of ONE. your room, anyhow, for I went in for a a parent who whipped his little daughter, match. attempting to overcome in this way her Jarrett (with an sir of hesitation)—Per whimsical terror of the dark when left alone But Unfortunately for Him. the Burglar haps 1 ought not to say anything about it, at night. The poor little maid sobbed her Was True to ills Calling—An Einbarnm- but I saw Mr. Norns coming out of the but self to sleep that night. lug Scene—But All*» Well That Ends ler’s room with a bundle of something under But tho next evening, five minutes after his arm. I don’t know----- she had been left alone with tho, to her, fear Well. Mr. Sutherland (gravely)—By all means. ful dark, her terror overcame her dread of This must be cleared up. (Scene, the dining room In Mr. Sutherland's punishment, and a pitiful little voice was Country house. Time, midnight. Eater Mr. Mr. Norris (desperately)—Miss Sutherland. heard at tho head of the stairs: John Norris, a guest at the house. lie carries Mr. Suther land, is it possible---- “Oh i>apa, please come up here and whip a candle in one hand aud a basket in the other.] Mr. Sutherland—I shouldn’t, Mr. Norris, me! I’ui so ’fraid of the dark!” Mr. Norris (placing the basket on tho table) This convinced the father that the child’s —This is such a peculiur situation that out have believed---- Miss Sutherland (warmly)—What perfect terror was more than a whim, and he deeply of regard to my own self respect 1 am con regretted his hasty punishment, which was strained to offer an explunation—to myself. nonsense you are talking. Mr. Norris, you never repeated. The following incident, re Ohl Kate, Kate! Adorable creature that must tako some brandy; you really must. (She runs to the butler's pantry and throws lated by a father, is of the same nature: open the door. Mr. V’liter, with the plate “I shall never forget, though I have wished under bis arms, makes a dash, but is cleverly a thousand times that 1 could, how I pun stopped by Norris. A terrifle struggle en ished little Mamie for continually pronounc sues. which ends in the burglar escaping ing a word wrong—a« I thought willfully— through the window, but leaving the silver after I had tried hard to make her say it in the possession of Norris. There are a few correctly. She was quiet for a few moments moments of universal stupefaction.) after I punished her, and then she looked up Mr. Sutherland (warmly embracing him)— with a quivering lip and said: My noble fellow! What can I say! “Papa, you will have to whip me again. I Mr. Norris (breathing very hard)—Oh, N- can’t say it.” notbing—nothing, I assure you. I often— “You can imagine how I felt, and how I do this—kind of thing. (IBooks unutterable kept on remembering the look on her face things at Miss Sutherland). and the tone of the sad little voice.”—Youth’s Barrett (aside to Garrett)—Too often. Companion. Miss Sutherland (with lively warmth) Em ployed the Wrong Man. And to think that he actually camo back Faith and Works. again after that terrible struggle. Why in She was 8 years old and lived in the the world should he want to? country; she had started one day rather late Mr. Norris—Pm sure I don’t know, and he to school with another little girl about her isn’t hero to tell. own age. On their way they caught a Garrett (gloomily to Jarrett)—Yes; and glimpse of a clock dial through an open door; Norris isn’t likely to. it lacked five minutes of 9. Miss Sutherland (timidly)—Why, he might “Oh, dear!” exclaimed the pious little girl, even take it into bis bead to try it again. “it's five minutes to 9, aud we’ll b< late to Mr. Norris (crossing over to her side)— school.” Don’t you think that in view of the possibility “I’m afraid wo will.” of such mi event, that you ought to provide “Jennie,” said the pious little girl, im pressively, “I’ll tell you what we must do; And throwing up the window with a bang. yourself with an efficient burglar alarm? Miss Sutherland (blushing) —Well, yes. we’ll kneel right down here and pray that we you are, you little know (clasps his bands, and (Mr. Sutherland smiles benignantly, picks in doing so drops the basket. A lot of silver won’t be lute!” up the (date basket and gives the signal for a “H’m!” said the other, “1 guess we’d bet tumbles on the floor. Hastily recovering general departure.) himself) — Confusion! (Listens attentively.) ter skin right along and pray as we go!” Barrett (lingering behind, and sotto voce They “skun ” and got there.—Boston Tran After all, no barm done. To continue, I am desperately in love with Miss to Garrett and Jarrett)—That burglar must script Sutherland, and •o, 1 am sorry to say, have wnhted tremendously for something. lie Didn’t Pass. Jarrett (sententiously)—Not half as much is Barrett, also Jarrett, likewise Gar- The ingenuity of some school children in rett, guests with me .at Mr. Sutherland’s. as Norris wanted a burglar. (Curtain.) — getting over the knotty questions propounded Until now no one of us could claim any de Time. to them in the recent examinations was cer cided advantage over tho others. But day There Is a Di (Terence. tainly surprising, according to the stories before yesterday w<* all go out for a sy lvan At the club the other night a group of some of the school teachers tell. One boy in stroll. Miss Sutherland insists on feeding the Summer avenue school, in the Eighth the swans, and while doing so falls into the western men were telling anecdotes of fron Dr. S. —You don't mean to tell me that old ward, scratched his head for a long time be pond. I, who would die for her anywhere tier life. Here is one which struck me as l»e- Sawbones »'barged you $15 for cutting oiT fore attempting to “compare the animals of and on the slightest notice, don't see it. But ing particularly good. Those who have been North America with those of Europe.” At Barrett does and pulls her out. I ¡joint out in the “Far West” and have lived amoug your arm? last, in his desire to say something, he wrote: the fact that the pond is only two feet deep froutier men will appreciate it, I dare say. Mr. 1\—Yes, $15. “The animals of North America are not at that particular place, but Barrett, never In the course of the Indian war of 1882, it Dr. 8.—Now, why didn’t you send for me? 1 would have cut both arms off for less money as large as those of Europe, but they get theless. becomes a hero, and Jarrett, Garrett seems, Gen. Sherman paid a visit to Camp there just the same.” than that.—Life. and myself go into the background. Then, Apache, in Arizona. While there u huge It goes without saying that that boy didn’t yesterday we go on a picnic. Miss Sutherland, redskin, who was captain of the scouts, fol pass.—Newark Journal. while walking with Jarrett, is attacko<l by a lowed the general wherever he went, and N»> Help for Such. snake—boa constrictor, according to Jarrett, frequently begged as a present one of the Scene in the office of M. Pasteur: A Successful Season. who dispatches it and thereby’ wins her un small cannons standing on the parade Sufferer—Doctor. I have come to consult First Theatrical Manager—You had a bad dying gratitude. Garrett and myself go out ground. Finally the general impatiently you as a last resort. Cfln you do anything season, I hear. to look for tho monster and flnd a harmless turned to the Indian, exclaiming: to relieve me from the consequences of these “What do you wunt with the cannon, any Second Manager—Ob, yes, frightful. Did litt.lo garter snake. Neither of them will ac wounds? not play to a paying house during the trip. knowledge it, however, and Garrett and 1 way? Do you want to kill my soldiers Doctor—Those are a little the worst dog Made money out of it, though. have to apologize. This morning we try a with itf’ bites Jriver saw. “No,” replied the Indian in his guttural First Manager—How in the world could little target shooting. Garrett goes blunder Sufferer—Doctor, those aro not dog bites, you do that? ing arouud uid gets shot iu the leg by Miss voice; “want to kill cowboys with it. Kill they are Jcrsej' musquito bites. soldiers with a club.”—New York Tribune. Second Manager—Oh, I always put up the Sutherland. I’d have shot him myself with Doctor—My dear sir, I can do nothing for company at hotels with fire escapes.—Boston pleasure. Miss Sutherland is tenderly re you. Next!—Judge. Boston Introduction. Post proachful all day, and I am voted a brute for saying it served him right. I can’t stand A Deep Insult. Indigestible. this any longer. Not to bo a he’ o argues “Aw, Cholly, I haven’t seen you out lately Thompkins—Hello, old boy! I hear you thut I cannot be one. 1 therefore propose to with Miss Flossie. Anything the mattali, have married a literary woman. Mend your mako my own opportunity. At great ¡»er- old boyU own stockings and all that sort of thing, I sonal discomfort I have succeeded in keeping “Yas, Alfwed. She insulted me the othali suppose? awake until every one elso is asleep. I have <lay, and I’ve dwopped her.” Smithkins—Ye-es. But that isn’t the secured the basket of family plate and am “Insulted you, Cholly? How?” worst of it. She sometimes mislays her now about to rn iterialize a burglar. (Gathers “Showed me a little pug dog that she had poems in the bread, and they are apt to up tho silver and ties it up in a tablecloth.) twained to sit upwight and suck the head of make it a trifle heavy, don't you know. There. Now for my pistols. (Cautiously a cane, bah Jove!”—Chicago Tribune. Judge. leaves the room. Tho door of tho butler’s pantry opens end Mr. Willie Vilter, profea All in the Accent. How He Knew. sional burglar, steps into the room.) “Don’t you know’ who I am?” asked Gas Mr. Vilter (artistically hefting the bundle) De Smith of an Austin gentleman, who had —Wot willany this is. Oh! My eyes, Wil just returned from Mexico after a long ab liam, but ’ore’s richness! (Shoulders the sence. “Certainly I do. You are De swag and is about to depart. Tho door Smith, Gus De Smith. So help me heaven! opens and Mr. Vilter has just time to reach if 1 hadn’t known your Christian name, I the pantry again when Mr. Norris rushes in, never would have recognized you, you have fires both pistols, and throwing up the win changed so much.”—Texas Siftings. dow with a bang that takes ull tho glass out Miss South Church (to Miss Beacon Hill)— of it, begins an indiscriminate fusillade. Her Wish Gratified. The household in various stages of undress My dear, let in«* present Mr. Scolopax, presi dent of the Yale Boat club. rush in and contemplate the scene of car Fair Daughter—Oh, I would give anything The Presented—Beg pardon—ah, Miss to see a real, live count. nage.) Fond Father—Have you never seen one? Mr. Sutherland (excitedly)—What has hap- Church, but my name is Snipe. Miss South Church—I know, sir; but you “Never.” [>eiied? 1 insist upon knowing. “Come to the window a minute.” Mr. Norris (sententiously)—Burglars! (Miss will pardon me if I think the Latin prefer “Why?” .Sutherland screams and is simultaneously able«—* Life. “An Italian organ grinder is getting ready supported by Barrett, Jarrett and Garrett.) A Condemned Murderer’s Joke. to play.”—Lincoln Journal. Mr. Norris—Fact, I assure you. Heard a A young lawyer called on Deacons one day AND A FELLE». noise down here and resolved to investigate. with a bevy of young ladies, and, peering ▲ fellow ; Evidence of Fondness. Caught the fellow doing tip the plate and between tho Ixirs of the cell door, he said: Harjær’s Weekly. “Charlie gave me the cold shake last and went for him. He broke away and “Ah, Deacons, if I had had your case six jumped through the window. Must apolo months ago, you would not be where you ars night,” confessed an Oakland girl to her Not Strong Enough. gize for shooting in the house. Beared you now—behind the bars of a prison cell.” mother. “Did you write those verses in today's all awfully, Fin afraid. Shouldn’t have “Why, I thought he was so fond of yon,” “Yes, Mr. ---- , 1 lielieve that. If I had paper, entitled ‘In a Dream V ” queried Mc- done it. replied tho lady. you for a lawyer I’d been hanged six months of Pneta Nascitur Non Fit. Mr. Sutherland (ruefully contemplating ago.” “Oh, be is. It was a inilk shake.”—Pitts Pelter “Yes. What did you think of them?” tho fragments of a Sevres vase)—Well, per burg Chronicle. Deacons chuckle«) for a few minutes over “I didn’t read them very closely, but I hans not. thought you missed it in the title. ” Mr. Norri» (cheerfully)—Anyhow the silver the discomfiture and hasty retreat of the Catch Them on the Fly. legal gentleman and the ill concealed mirth “HowF s safe. She—Oh, Arthur, what do (ho poor cow- of the ladies, and then went on talking to the “You should have called them ‘In a Night Miss Sutherland — Yes, but where is it? lx>ys in Texas do when they want a girl to mare!’ ”—Detroit Free Press. rejxirter.—Rochester Post-Express. (Looks around fearfully.) talk to? ?a'Tc“ I (With great unaniinltyl-Tlmt'» He—Give it up. Use their lassos, prob A Peculiar Misfortune. Or th© Fat Woman Who Moves Up. ¿KJ“- ably.—New Haven News. First Belle—Miss Hniitb met with a pecu “Things That Nover Die,” is the title of a Mr. Norrto (alteUtly rattled)—Oh, the— liarly unfortunate accident this morning. magazine poem. We have searched in vain, Soulful Music. however, for any mention of the man who why—er—1 put it there—that 1» to iay, the Did you hear about it? A now song is called “My Mother’s Hand.” sticks to the end seats of an open horse car.— burglar. (Lreaka off abruptly and begi Second Belle—No! What was it? We suspect it is a sequel to “Mamma’s Slip Boot and Shoo Recorder. First Bell®—Why, alio was down at the polish bis brow with a haudkerchief.) fl nd when introduced among the cliil- beach bathing, when she inadvertently Barrett 1 “there’s music in the heir.”—Norrie- Making Preparations. Jarrett J-I’unipbi slipned off a rock and fell into the water. Garrett) Second Belle—Was it deep? Did she take town Herald. Citizen (to »tranger)—You seem to be In cold ? * trouble, friend; I notice tears in your eyes. Seriously Malmi'tl. First Belle—Oh, no; I guess not. She Stranger—It’s nothing serious, sir. I have scrambled out easily enough. But the bath a case to plead in court to-morrow, and I’m ing dress is irretrievably spoiled.—*Life. practicing on my speech before the jury.— Epoch. __ _______ The New First Read *r. “Let us go upon tho street ear uud take a long ride. Do you see with what swiitneiaS they mover “I do. The motion almost takes my breath away.” “You must hang on to your hat or you will lose it. Do you see the lady with the pink strings to her Lounet?’’ “Yes, I see her. She is very pale and nervous. Is she afraid chat the car will run off the track r “Not exactly. She is worried ubo’^i the conductor.” “Is he not a good man?” “He is a noble fellow, with a wife and ten children to support, but she is afraid of his eyesight. Do you see that coin in htr fingers?” “Yes. It is a silver quarter.” “No, my son; it i> a loud quarter—one she bus bwn trying to get rid of for a month. Now he comes along and she hands it out and smiles and sweetly exclaims: ‘Tickets, please!’ '* “An^the conductor?” “Ho smdes sweetly but sadly.” “And'’---- “And returns it with the remark that she ought to have wsrked it off on circus day.” “And is she sorrowful?” “Oh, no. She is as mad as a wet hen, and she takes the number of the car aud will try to have the conductor bounced for incivility to passengers.”—Detroit Free Press. Why He Didn’t Want It. “Darringer, have you o half dollar that vou don’t wantf* “Why, certainly. Here it is. The next day: «»Say, Darring^r, that half dollar you gave me was a counterfeit.’’ “Yes, Bromley. Yon as ice 1 me if I had a half <loilar tbat'l di«ln t want "--Lite. Ccrtllcy—How do, chummie, old boy? Bland ley—For mercy’s sake’ What’s tbs A New York physician s-iys that more swt msttah with your band? Cnrilsy—Did it carrying this lastly buck- den deaths take place oil the fteM th t! or of buildings in that city iu one year than m all horn win owe I la handle.— Judge. other txirts •>« the liouwncombiued. In vie» True to His Colors. of tbiaalarmniS fart, architect, should rank, '•There wuz Bill Newton, Lyin’ Bill, we all it . point to omit th. fuurti. fl or-be» de tigning a six or eight rt->ry bu:Ui»g.-Nor ~alied him. Never woz near water al) his 'ife, yet he waz alwnv<« tollin' about the fish ristown Herald. be’• I caught Once when be was sick with the jau riders his father *ayw to him: ‘Rill, An Va>»***««ar, Insult. bow are you feelin’f Finer ’n a fiddle,’ sit Tramp- *lu<iam. will you giv» nw som» BilL That settles IL’ «ex th* old man, and taing to »atl tis started off for the un<lertaker Huicoti- Madam-I kill giva yo» *•> 01,1 rert ■« f°" funlcnos wus not misplaced Wbcu he come •var.t it a f ijnck with the undertaker Bill was a corpse * Tramp--Madam, io yoe taks ms for » -Chicago News. Vorkvül« goalL-Tun* A Suggestion. NO. 18 One square or less, oue insertion............. One square, each subsequent, insertion. . __ Noticeaof appointment and finalsetllefnent 5 00 Other legal advertisements. 75 cents for first insertion and <0 cents per square for each sub- »cqdent insertion. Special business notices in business columns, 10 cents per line. Regular business notices, 5 cents per line. Professional cards. >12 per year. Special rales for large display "ads. ON LIFE'S THRESHOLD. ¿3 No Reason to Repine. A Palpable Evidence. A Spanish astronomer has ascertained that there are rain and snow on the moon the same as on the earth. That dark spot over the left ear of the man in the moon, then, must be au umbrella. —Burlington Free Press. Her Choice. A Miss I>*g. of Montana, has just married a man named Hand. Sb* thought she would rather be a right Hand than a left Leg.— New York Tribune. Mutnal Recognition. Smith—Why, excuae me, air, but that ia the umbrella I lost. Brown—Excuse me. Thia is the umbrella I found.—Detroit Free Press. Clerk (to employ er) — Mr. Lowberry, I would like to be excused from work this afternoon. •‘Whet’s the metier nowF “A beloved aunt is dead and I would like to attend the funeral.” “Let’s see -you’ve lost four beloved aunts this year. Have you any more of them?” “No, sir; but 1 hsvs five uncles.”—Lincoln Journal. IIow He Achieved Wraith. “I understand that CoL Blear is very wealthy.” “Yes, he's worth al »out $100,000.” “How did be make it?” “He made it out of coal oil.” “Indce.ir “Yes, bis wife lit the fire with koroaene, and hu got ail ber luuncy.”—Lincoln Jour- Chicago’s Regret. Chicago has reason to regret that the world is so small. Carter Harrison is more than half way around it already.—Chicago News. Terrlbla RaT.nge. To get rid of • bore: Manwra—XarM, If Mr. Bore 1« (til) here in a quarter of an hour bring in bahy—Texas Hiftinga. Acquiescence. Young Wife- - Henry, 1 want to ask a favor Lu* is ciwrly »topped by Norria. •>f VOU. Young nuxband ~All right; go ahead. Mr. Sutherland (gravely}—The »liver is “Do quit smoking that beastly pipe.” certainly gone. I looked for the plate the “Certainly Hand me tlie other on<x first thing. Mr. Norris (wildly)—HI swear it was on Detroit Free |»n*A the table when I jumped for him. Trulli lu .Metaphor. M.as Sutherland—Perhaps the burglar did Al—CUarlis »ays hs is buffeting hu take it. i should think be would, »inco that through I.fa W bat <!»*•• be mean? is a hat he came for. Ed -He'» a fi os lunej dead. Time, Ba~att (in a half aside that everybody