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VOL. Ill
The Great
MLM INN VILLE, OREGON, AUGUST 24, 1888
s, A. YOUNG, M. D.
Physician & Surgeon,
ranscontinental Route.
MORE KICKS.
SperiuienM lUastratk-.g “The Arizona UlcU-
er’s” Vigorous Policy.
-
.
.
O bxoon .
We extract the following from the last
Office and residence on D street. All issue of The Arizona Kicker.
“
O ur P olicy .—Heretofore, as our readers
calls promptly answered day or night.
know, The Kicker has almost entirely ab
stained from publicly criticising the evils
which all know to exist under our noses. VVe
have becomo tired and disgusted with our
selves
lack v/i
of pjJuikK,
spunk, una
and ue_
uext . week
— for this lllvn
.
we shall open a red hot campaign on
PHOTOGRAPHER.
“The mayor,
“The common council,
“The fire department,
“ All secret societies,
“The saloons,
McMinnville, Oregon
“The gambliug dens,
“Aud on various other organizations and
institutions reeking with corruption.
“It wih be a spicy issue. It will make
more than a ton of human hair stand on end.
If so be sure and call for your tickets
It will tnako a thousu nd hearts thump like
via the
pilu drivers. Chicanery, deceit, hypocrisy,
theft, robbery, arson and murder will be
properly tagged off and tho tags pinned to
the right coat tails.
“Older your extra ««opies at an early date.
Advertisers should send in their copy by
Saturday. Don’t neglect this golden oppor
M
tunity. Another may never come.”
M c M ikkvillx ,
fcta bit Bailread.
•VIA THE------
W. V. PRICE,
scade Division’ now completed,
making it the Shortest, Best’
and Quickest.
Ip Stairs in Adams’ Building,
e Dini"« Car line' Tl”'I),rect Route-
No Delays- Fastest Ttains. I.ow-
* e9t Kates to Chicago and all
points East. Tickets sold
to all Prominent Points
throughout the East and Hmitheast.
irougb Pullman Drawing Room Sleep
ing Cars
sservations can be secured in advance.
ARE YOU GOING EAST?
To Ka»t Bound Passengers.
Be caelul and do not mak« a mistake
ut be sure to take the
Northern Pacific Railroad.
I
“S topped H is P apjr .— Old Steve Bridge
It is positively tlie shortest and finut
line to Chicago and the east and soutli and man, who has several times been alluded to
the only sleeping and dining car through in these columns as the meanest white man
line to
in Arizona, bus stopped his paper because we
Omaha, Kansas^ City, and all Ml.aouri «lid not have a column editorial on the Fourth
of
July. He says wo are no patriot, and thut
River Points.
a man who can't whoop 'er up for Independ
Its magnificent steel track, unsurpassed ence Day is a cussed rebel.
I train service and elegant dining
’ j and
“We have scratched his name off the list,
sleeping cars has honestly
ly earned for it the ami if he doesn’t quit lying about us we ll
title of
scratch his carcass off the face of the earth.
>.u.ral Offlc. <rt ,h® Company, No, » I
“As to the Fourth of July, we were born
Wa.hlngton St., Portland, Oregon.
on that day. As to patriotism, we’ve got
Others may imitate,but none can surpass it more in our heels than old Steve could hold
A D CHARLTON.
in bis whole body. The man who intimates
Our motto is “always on time ”
Asst General Passenger Agent.
that we don’t take our hat off every time we
Be sure and ask ticket agents for ticket» hear the came of George Washington is u
via this celebrated route and take none liar aud a horse thief. Our editorial on the
others.
W H MEAD, G A
Fourth was a solid chunk of [ atriotism
No. 4 Washington street. Portland, Or. weighing twenty-five jiounds, but was
crowded out to make room for advertise
ments. We know our gait and we think we
----- IN-----
know the great need of most of our towns
people. As to old Steve Bridgeman, we are
McMinnville, is opened
expecting two or three of bis six or seven
---- THE LEADER IN-----
wives to drop in on us any day and furnish
—IN—
ns some powerful good reading matter.
Don’t be uneasy, Stephen—we’ll get to you
in a few days.”-------
“W arning .—We are no fighter. We have
neither the sand nor the muscle to make one.
Where you will find the best of
Wo always knuckle unless there’s a chance
Wines and Liquors, also
Opposite Grange Store McMinnville. Or to run. We admit to a dozen lickings in the
last three months, and in every case we were
Imported and Domestsc
the only one who suffered.
Cigars. Everything neat and Clean.
“However, we want to warn the coyote
who plastered our office door with mud the
T. M. F ields , Propr.
other night that the worm will turn. We
are the worm. When we turn be hud better
look out. We can be kicked, cuffed, in
sulted and abused upto a certain limit. How
far
off the limit is we don’t know, but when
Sample rooms in connection.
we reach it we shall be a bad, bad man to
o-------o
fool with.”—Detroit Free Press.
FLEMING, & LOGAN, Prop’s.
Ind see that your tickets read via
HIS LINE, St l’aul or Minneapolis, to
void changes and serious delays occa-
ioned by other routes.
Through Emigrant bleeping ( ars run
n regular express trains full length of
|,e line. Berths free. Lowest rates,
uiekest time-
The Etoyal Route
The only
FIRST CLASS BAR
ti
1rs. II. P. Stuart,
MILLINERY,
COOK’S HOTEL, Hair
weaving and Stamping.
TONSOB.IAL PARLOR,
I
The St. Charles Hotel. Shaving, Hair Cutting and- - - -
- - - - Shampoing Parlors.
Is now fitted up in first class order.
AU kinds of fancy hair cutting done in
II<>w to Write a Dialect Story.
Accommodations as irood as can be tlie latest and neatest style
Take a number of sheets of new white paper
foun din the city.
All kindi of fancy hair dressing and hair
dying, a specialty Special attention given and write a story on them. Any story will do.
Get your double barreled shot gun and load
S. R. MESSINGER, Manager.
ta
Ladies' and Childrens’ Work
I also have for sale a very fine assort-
’ ment of hair oils, hair tonics, cosmetics, etc
O r I have in connection with my parlor,
! the largest and finest stock of
Third Street, between E and F
McMinnville, Oregon.
CIG A1ÏS
Henderson Bros. Props
First-class accommodations for Ccminer
cial men and general travel.
Transient stock well cared for.
Everything new and in First-Class Order
Patronage respectfully solicited
ltf
Great English Remedy.
Murray’s Specfic.
Tsado Mark. A guaranteed cure for all
nervous diseases, such as weak
memory, loss of brain power,
hysteria, headache, pain in the
back, nervous prostration,
wakefulness, leucorrhoea, uni
versal lassitude, seminal weak
ness, impotency. and general
B
T
loss of power of the generative
befcr» laklng,organs ¡n either sex, caused
by indiscretion or over exertion, and which
ultimately lead to premature Trade Mark,
old age,Insanity and consump
tion
$l.uo per box or six
boxes for $5.00,sent bv mail on
receipt of price, Full particu
lar» in pamphlet, sent free to
every applicant.
WE GUARANTEE SIX
BOXES to cure any case. For
every $5 00 order received, weAfter Taking,
send six boxes with written guarantee to re
fund the money if otir Specific does not ef
fect a cure
Address all communications to the Sole
manufacturers
THE MURRAY MEDICINE CO,
Kansas City, Mo.
Sold by Rogers A Todd, sole agents
Wright Bro’s
Dealers in
Hamess. Saddles, Etc, Etc,
Repairing neatly done at reasonable
rates
Wright's new building. Corner Third
•nd F street«. McMinnville. Or
PATENTS
Caveat.«, and Trade Marks obtained, and
.LVatent business conducted for MODER
ATE FEES OUR OFFICE IS OPPOSITE
’
PATENT OFFICE We have no sub
•gencies, all business direct, hence can
transact patent business in less time and
’ess cost than those remote from Wash-
w u.01!'
model, drawing, or photo,
w>tn description. We advise if patentable
or not free of charge. Our fee not due till
patent is secured
Abo<jk. “How to Obtain Patents,” with
Terences to actual clients in ♦our State.
county, or town
free. , Address
___ sent
______
C. A. SNOW & CO.
“IT-«ite Patent Office. Washington, D C
WM. HOLL,
Proprietor of the
Ntfai Jfflliy Store,
The leading
JÏWELRY
ESTABLISHMENT.
-OF—
YAMHILL COUNTY,
Third Strwt. McMinnvlU. Or
it with fine bird shot.
Pin your story up against the side of a barn,
stand off about twenty feet, aim carefully
aad let both barrels drive.
If you find that there haven't been suf
ficient vowels knocked out, repeat the oper
ation.—Judge.
Ever in the city.
O“T hird S treet M c M innville . O regon .
M'MINNYILLE NATIONAL
•1BAI2K.I»
Transacts a General Banking Business.
President,............... J. W. COWLS,
Vice-president, LEE LOUGHLIN.
Cashier............... CLARK BRALY.
Sells exchange on Portland, San
Francisco, and New York.
Interest allowed on time deposits.
Office hours from 9 a. m. to 4 p. m
Apr. 18 tf
WIT
AND WISDOM.
—He who is in love with himself has
no rival.
—Some by wit get wealth, but none
by wealth can purchase wit.
—Some people find much fault because
others frequently indulge in self-praise.
—Judge.
—“Woolenite” is a’ new word used to
designate the man who wears garments
entirely of wool.
—“A principle that can not bear be
ing laughed at, frowned on, and cold-
shouldered, is not worthy of the name.
_ It is a pretty difficult job for a wo
man to make a good mother and write
a good book at the same time. Bir
mingham, Ala., Age.
—Pride of birth may keep a man
warm, but it takes something more
than a coat of arms to keep off the
pneumonia.— Harper s Bazar.
—The man who sits down and waits
to be appreciated will find himself
among uncalled-for baggage after the
limited express train has gone by.—
Whitehall Time».
—The Chinese proverb, "Do not stop
to tie your shoe in a cucumber field, lest
you be thought stealing," is the same as
the Biblical precept, “Avoid the ap
pearance of evil.”
—Some men idle life away waiting
for the spirit to move them, while oth
ers waste time quite as recklessly look
ing for a chance to move the spirits.—
Merchant Traveler.
—Criticism, we know, must be brief
—not like poetiy.
poetry, because its cnarms
charms is ,
too intense to b* sustained, but, on the
contrary, because its Interest is too
weak to be prolonged.
_ I have seldom seen much ostenta
tion and much learning met together.
The sun. rising and declining, makes
long shadows; and at mid-day. when he
is highest, none at all.—fid«.
—No one knows the weight of
another's burden, says ad exchange.
To which might be added: No one
cares to obtain the knowledge by giving
the bearer a ’’liff on
road.-Bosto"
Budutt.
“Whatt Leave these cool breezes
summer in Canada"’
"Well, my busband is there—and”----
"Goorlness! The idea of his going there 1”
"Well, he preferred Canada to Sing Sing."
-Life._________________
One More Disappointment.
Employer—William, you have now worked
for m-> threo years.
“Yes, sir."
“Aud I have alwaya found you industrious,
l>alustaking and honest.”
“I have tried to be, sir.”
“Now. I desire to show that I appreciate
your fidelity."
“Thank you, sir."
“For iho next two months you will work
on th« books until 11 o’clock every night 1
do no. fear to leave you in tlie office aloue at
all. I h ive a great deal of confidence in
you.”—Lincoln Journal.
A Iiude’. .Joke.
Fweddie’s wardrobe suffered severely in
the fire at the Southern hotel. His friend
Cholly, meeting him on the street, observed:
"Good gwacious. Fwedilie! iVbatevah have
you done with youah good ciothcal
look like a twamp."
"Deah boy. my clothe« are •soaked.’
“Dnah me! Didn’t know you were in such
straights, my lx>y. Wuat did you get on
theinf
“Watah! Ha ha’"-Chicago Tribune.
t
I bears)—JJy tho way, Norris, what were you
down stairs for half an hour ago?
Mr. Norris (confusedly)—I! Why, what
Incident» Illustrating the Unjust Punish
are you talking about)
,
ment of Children.
MR. NORRIS SUCCEEDS IN FINDING
Barrett (persistently)—You were not In
Well does the writer remember the case of
ONE.
your room, anyhow, for I went in for a
a parent who whipped his little daughter,
match.
attempting to overcome in this way her
Jarrett (with an sir of hesitation)—Per
whimsical terror of the dark when left alone But Unfortunately for Him. the Burglar
haps 1 ought not to say anything about it,
at night. The poor little maid sobbed her
Was True to ills Calling—An Einbarnm- but I saw Mr. Norns coming out of the but
self to sleep that night.
lug Scene—But All*» Well That Ends ler’s room with a bundle of something under
But tho next evening, five minutes after
his arm. I don’t know-----
she had been left alone with tho, to her, fear
Well.
Mr. Sutherland (gravely)—By all means.
ful dark, her terror overcame her dread of
This
must be cleared up.
(Scene,
the
dining
room
In
Mr.
Sutherland's
punishment, and a pitiful little voice was
Country house. Time, midnight. Eater Mr.
Mr. Norris (desperately)—Miss Sutherland.
heard at tho head of the stairs:
John Norris, a guest at the house. lie carries Mr. Suther land, is it possible----
“Oh i>apa, please come up here and whip
a candle in one hand aud a basket in the other.]
Mr. Sutherland—I shouldn’t, Mr. Norris,
me! I’ui so ’fraid of the dark!”
Mr. Norris (placing the basket on tho table)
This convinced the father that the child’s —This is such a peculiur situation that out have believed----
Miss Sutherland (warmly)—What perfect
terror was more than a whim, and he deeply of regard to my own self respect 1 am con
regretted his hasty punishment, which was strained to offer an explunation—to myself. nonsense you are talking. Mr. Norris, you
never repeated. The following incident, re Ohl Kate, Kate! Adorable creature that must tako some brandy; you really must.
(She runs to the butler's pantry and throws
lated by a father, is of the same nature:
open the door. Mr. V’liter, with the plate
“I shall never forget, though I have wished
under bis arms, makes a dash, but is cleverly
a thousand times that 1 could, how I pun
stopped by Norris. A terrifle struggle en
ished little Mamie for continually pronounc
sues. which ends in the burglar escaping
ing a word wrong—a« I thought willfully—
through the window, but leaving the silver
after I had tried hard to make her say it
in the possession of Norris. There are a few
correctly. She was quiet for a few moments
moments of universal stupefaction.)
after I punished her, and then she looked up
Mr. Sutherland (warmly embracing him)—
with a quivering lip and said:
My noble fellow! What can I say!
“Papa, you will have to whip me again. I
Mr. Norris (breathing very hard)—Oh, N-
can’t say it.”
notbing—nothing, I assure you. I often—
“You can imagine how I felt, and how I
do
this—kind of thing. (IBooks unutterable
kept on remembering the look on her face
things at Miss Sutherland).
and the tone of the sad little voice.”—Youth’s
Barrett (aside to Garrett)—Too often.
Companion.
Miss Sutherland (with lively warmth)
Em ployed the Wrong Man.
And to think that he actually camo back
Faith and Works.
again after that terrible struggle. Why in
She was 8 years old and lived in the
the world should he want to?
country; she had started one day rather late
Mr. Norris—Pm sure I don’t know, and he
to school with another little girl about her
isn’t hero to tell.
own age. On their way they caught a
Garrett (gloomily to Jarrett)—Yes; and
glimpse of a clock dial through an open door;
Norris isn’t likely to.
it lacked five minutes of 9.
Miss Sutherland (timidly)—Why, he might
“Oh, dear!” exclaimed the pious little girl,
even take it into bis bead to try it again.
“it's five minutes to 9, aud we’ll b< late to
Mr. Norris (crossing over to her side)—
school.”
Don’t you think that in view of the possibility
“I’m afraid wo will.”
of such mi event, that you ought to provide
“Jennie,” said the pious little girl, im
pressively, “I’ll tell you what we must do; And throwing up the window with a bang. yourself with an efficient burglar alarm?
Miss Sutherland (blushing) —Well, yes.
we’ll kneel right down here and pray that we you are, you little know (clasps his bands, and
(Mr. Sutherland smiles benignantly, picks
in doing so drops the basket. A lot of silver
won’t be lute!”
up
the (date basket and gives the signal for a
“H’m!” said the other, “1 guess we’d bet tumbles on the floor. Hastily recovering
general
departure.)
himself)
—
Confusion!
(Listens
attentively.)
ter skin right along and pray as we go!”
Barrett (lingering behind, and sotto voce
They “skun ” and got there.—Boston Tran After all, no barm done. To continue, I
am desperately in love with Miss to Garrett and Jarrett)—That burglar must
script
Sutherland, and •o, 1 am sorry to say, have wnhted tremendously for something.
lie Didn’t Pass.
Jarrett (sententiously)—Not half as much
is Barrett, also Jarrett, likewise Gar-
The ingenuity of some school children in rett, guests with me .at Mr. Sutherland’s. as Norris wanted a burglar. (Curtain.) —
getting over the knotty questions propounded Until now no one of us could claim any de Time.
to them in the recent examinations was cer cided advantage over tho others. But day
There Is a Di (Terence.
tainly surprising, according to the stories before yesterday w<* all go out for a sy lvan
At the club the other night a group of
some of the school teachers tell. One boy in stroll. Miss Sutherland insists on feeding
the Summer avenue school, in the Eighth the swans, and while doing so falls into the western men were telling anecdotes of fron
Dr. S. —You don't mean to tell me that old ward, scratched his head for a long time be pond. I, who would die for her anywhere tier life. Here is one which struck me as l»e-
Sawbones »'barged you $15 for cutting oiT fore attempting to “compare the animals of and on the slightest notice, don't see it. But ing particularly good. Those who have been
North America with those of Europe.” At Barrett does and pulls her out. I ¡joint out in the “Far West” and have lived amoug
your arm?
last, in his desire to say something, he wrote: the fact that the pond is only two feet deep froutier men will appreciate it, I dare say.
Mr. 1\—Yes, $15.
“The animals of North America are not at that particular place, but Barrett, never In the course of the Indian war of 1882, it
Dr. 8.—Now, why didn’t you send for me?
1 would have cut both arms off for less money as large as those of Europe, but they get theless. becomes a hero, and Jarrett, Garrett seems, Gen. Sherman paid a visit to Camp
there just the same.”
than that.—Life.
and myself go into the background. Then, Apache, in Arizona. While there u huge
It goes without saying that that boy didn’t yesterday we go on a picnic. Miss Sutherland, redskin, who was captain of the scouts, fol
pass.—Newark Journal.
while walking with Jarrett, is attacko<l by a lowed the general wherever he went, and
N»> Help for Such.
snake—boa constrictor, according to Jarrett, frequently begged as a present one of the
Scene in the office of M. Pasteur:
A Successful Season.
who dispatches it and thereby’ wins her un small cannons standing on the parade
Sufferer—Doctor. I have come to consult
First Theatrical Manager—You had a bad dying gratitude. Garrett and myself go out ground. Finally the general impatiently
you as a last resort. Cfln you do anything season, I hear.
to look for tho monster and flnd a harmless turned to the Indian, exclaiming:
to relieve me from the consequences of these
“What do you wunt with the cannon, any
Second Manager—Ob, yes, frightful. Did litt.lo garter snake. Neither of them will ac
wounds?
not play to a paying house during the trip. knowledge it, however, and Garrett and 1 way? Do you want to kill my soldiers
Doctor—Those are a little the worst dog Made money out of it, though.
have to apologize. This morning we try a with itf’
bites Jriver saw.
“No,” replied the Indian in his guttural
First Manager—How in the world could little target shooting. Garrett goes blunder
Sufferer—Doctor, those aro not dog bites, you do that?
ing arouud uid gets shot iu the leg by Miss voice; “want to kill cowboys with it. Kill
they are Jcrsej' musquito bites.
soldiers
with a club.”—New York Tribune.
Second Manager—Oh, I always put up the Sutherland. I’d have shot him myself with
Doctor—My dear sir, I can do nothing for company at hotels with fire escapes.—Boston pleasure. Miss Sutherland is tenderly re
you. Next!—Judge.
Boston Introduction.
Post
proachful all day, and I am voted a brute
for saying it served him right. I can’t stand
A Deep Insult.
Indigestible.
this any longer. Not to bo a he’ o argues
“Aw, Cholly, I haven’t seen you out lately
Thompkins—Hello, old boy! I hear you thut I cannot be one. 1 therefore propose to
with Miss Flossie. Anything the mattali, have married a literary woman. Mend your mako my own opportunity. At great ¡»er-
old boyU
own stockings and all that sort of thing, I sonal discomfort I have succeeded in keeping
“Yas, Alfwed. She insulted me the othali suppose?
awake until every one elso is asleep. I have
<lay, and I’ve dwopped her.”
Smithkins—Ye-es. But that isn’t the secured the basket of family plate and am
“Insulted you, Cholly? How?”
worst of it. She sometimes mislays her now about to rn iterialize a burglar. (Gathers
“Showed me a little pug dog that she had poems in the bread, and they are apt to up tho silver and ties it up in a tablecloth.)
twained to sit upwight and suck the head of make it a trifle heavy, don't you know.
There. Now for my pistols. (Cautiously
a cane, bah Jove!”—Chicago Tribune.
Judge.
leaves the room. Tho door of tho butler’s
pantry opens end Mr. Willie Vilter, profea
All in the Accent.
How He Knew.
sional burglar, steps into the room.)
“Don’t you know’ who I am?” asked Gas
Mr. Vilter (artistically hefting the bundle)
De Smith of an Austin gentleman, who had
—Wot willany this is. Oh! My eyes, Wil
just returned from Mexico after a long ab
liam, but ’ore’s richness! (Shoulders the
sence. “Certainly I do. You are De
swag and is about to depart. Tho door
Smith, Gus De Smith. So help me heaven!
opens and Mr. Vilter has just time to reach
if 1 hadn’t known your Christian name, I
the pantry again when Mr. Norris rushes in,
never would have recognized you, you have
fires both pistols, and throwing up the win
changed so much.”—Texas Siftings.
dow with a bang that takes ull tho glass out
Miss South Church (to Miss Beacon Hill)—
of it, begins an indiscriminate fusillade.
Her Wish Gratified.
The household in various stages of undress My dear, let in«* present Mr. Scolopax, presi
dent
of the Yale Boat club.
rush in and contemplate the scene of car
Fair Daughter—Oh, I would give anything
The Presented—Beg pardon—ah, Miss
to see a real, live count.
nage.)
Fond Father—Have you never seen one?
Mr. Sutherland (excitedly)—What has hap- Church, but my name is Snipe.
Miss South Church—I know, sir; but you
“Never.”
[>eiied? 1 insist upon knowing.
“Come to the window a minute.”
Mr. Norris (sententiously)—Burglars! (Miss will pardon me if I think the Latin prefer
“Why?”
.Sutherland screams and is simultaneously able«—* Life.
“An Italian organ grinder is getting ready
supported by Barrett, Jarrett and Garrett.)
A Condemned Murderer’s Joke.
to play.”—Lincoln Journal.
Mr. Norris—Fact, I assure you. Heard a
A young lawyer called on Deacons one day
AND A FELLE». noise down here and resolved to investigate. with a bevy of young ladies, and, peering
▲ fellow ;
Evidence of Fondness.
Caught the fellow doing tip the plate and between tho Ixirs of the cell door, he said:
Harjær’s Weekly.
“Charlie gave me the cold shake last
and went for him. He broke away and
“Ah, Deacons, if I had had your case six
jumped through the window. Must apolo months ago, you would not be where you ars
night,” confessed an Oakland girl to her
Not Strong Enough.
gize for shooting in the house. Beared you now—behind the bars of a prison cell.”
mother.
“Did you write those verses in today's all awfully, Fin afraid. Shouldn’t have
“Why, I thought he was so fond of yon,”
“Yes, Mr. ---- , 1 lielieve that. If I had
paper, entitled ‘In a Dream V ” queried Mc- done it.
replied tho lady.
you for a lawyer I’d been hanged six months
of Pneta Nascitur Non Fit.
Mr. Sutherland (ruefully contemplating ago.”
“Oh, be is. It was a inilk shake.”—Pitts Pelter
“Yes. What did you think of them?”
tho fragments of a Sevres vase)—Well, per
burg Chronicle.
Deacons chuckle«) for a few minutes over
“I didn’t read them very closely, but I hans not.
thought
you
missed
it
in
the
title.
”
Mr. Norri» (cheerfully)—Anyhow the silver the discomfiture and hasty retreat of the
Catch Them on the Fly.
legal
gentleman and the ill concealed mirth
“HowF
s safe.
She—Oh, Arthur, what do (ho poor cow-
of the ladies, and then went on talking to the
“You should have called them ‘In a Night
Miss
Sutherland
—
Yes,
but
where
is
it?
lx>ys in Texas do when they want a girl to mare!’ ”—Detroit Free Press.
rejxirter.—Rochester Post-Express.
(Looks around fearfully.)
talk to?
?a'Tc“ I (With great unaniinltyl-Tlmt'»
He—Give it up. Use their lassos, prob
A Peculiar Misfortune.
Or th© Fat Woman Who Moves Up.
¿KJ“-
ably.—New Haven News.
First Belle—Miss Hniitb met with a pecu
“Things That Nover Die,” is the title of a
Mr. Norrto (alteUtly rattled)—Oh, the— liarly unfortunate accident this morning.
magazine poem. We have searched in vain,
Soulful Music.
however, for any mention of the man who why—er—1 put it there—that 1» to iay, the Did you hear about it?
A now song is called “My Mother’s Hand.” sticks to the end seats of an open horse car.— burglar. (Lreaka off abruptly and begi
Second Belle—No! What was it?
We suspect it is a sequel to “Mamma’s Slip Boot and Shoo Recorder.
First Bell®—Why, alio was down at the
polish bis brow with a haudkerchief.)
fl nd when introduced among the cliil-
beach bathing, when she inadvertently
Barrett 1
“there’s music in the heir.”—Norrie-
Making Preparations.
Jarrett J-I’unipbi
slipned off a rock and fell into the water.
Garrett)
Second Belle—Was it deep? Did she take
town Herald.
Citizen (to »tranger)—You seem to be In
cold ?
*
trouble, friend; I notice tears in your eyes.
Seriously Malmi'tl.
First Belle—Oh, no; I guess not. She
Stranger—It’s nothing serious, sir. I have
scrambled out easily enough. But the bath
a case to plead in court to-morrow, and I’m
ing dress is irretrievably spoiled.—*Life.
practicing on my speech before the jury.—
Epoch.
__ _______
The New First Read *r.
“Let us go upon tho street ear uud take a
long ride. Do you see with what swiitneiaS
they mover
“I do. The motion almost takes my breath
away.”
“You must hang on to your hat or you will
lose it. Do you see the lady with the pink
strings to her Lounet?’’
“Yes, I see her. She is very pale and
nervous. Is she afraid chat the car will run
off the track r
“Not exactly. She is worried ubo’^i the
conductor.”
“Is he not a good man?”
“He is a noble fellow, with a wife and ten
children to support, but she is afraid of his
eyesight. Do you see that coin in htr
fingers?”
“Yes. It is a silver quarter.”
“No, my son; it i> a loud quarter—one she
bus bwn trying to get rid of for a month.
Now he comes along and she hands it out
and smiles and sweetly exclaims: ‘Tickets,
please!’ '*
“An^the conductor?”
“Ho smdes sweetly but sadly.”
“And'’----
“And returns it with the remark that she
ought to have wsrked it off on circus day.”
“And is she sorrowful?”
“Oh, no. She is as mad as a wet hen, and
she takes the number of the car aud will try
to have the conductor bounced for incivility
to passengers.”—Detroit Free Press.
Why He Didn’t Want It.
“Darringer, have you o half dollar that
vou don’t wantf*
“Why, certainly. Here it is.
The next day:
«»Say, Darring^r, that half dollar you gave
me was a counterfeit.’’
“Yes, Bromley. Yon as ice 1 me if I had a
half <loilar tbat'l di«ln t want "--Lite.
Ccrtllcy—How do, chummie, old boy?
Bland ley—For mercy’s sake’ What’s tbs
A New York physician s-iys that more swt msttah with your band?
Cnrilsy—Did it carrying this lastly buck-
den deaths take place oil the fteM th t! or of
buildings in that city iu one year than m all horn win owe I la handle.— Judge.
other txirts •>« the liouwncombiued. In vie»
True to His Colors.
of tbiaalarmniS fart, architect, should rank,
'•There wuz Bill Newton, Lyin’ Bill, we all
it . point to omit th. fuurti. fl or-be» de
tigning a six or eight rt->ry bu:Ui»g.-Nor ~alied him. Never woz near water al) his
'ife, yet he waz alwnv<« tollin' about the fish
ristown Herald.
be’• I caught Once when be was sick with
the jau riders his father *ayw to him: ‘Rill,
An Va>»***««ar, Insult.
bow are you feelin’f Finer ’n a fiddle,’ sit
Tramp- *lu<iam. will you giv» nw som» BilL That settles IL’ «ex th* old man, and
taing to »atl
tis started off for the un<lertaker Huicoti-
Madam-I kill giva yo» *•> 01,1 rert ■« f°" funlcnos wus not misplaced Wbcu he come
•var.t it
a
f
ijnck with the undertaker Bill was a corpse *
Tramp--Madam, io yoe taks ms for » -Chicago News.
Vorkvül« goalL-Tun*
A Suggestion.
NO. 18
One square or less, oue insertion.............
One square, each subsequent, insertion. . __
Noticeaof appointment and finalsetllefnent 5 00
Other legal advertisements. 75 cents for first
insertion and <0 cents per square for each sub-
»cqdent insertion.
Special business notices in business columns,
10 cents per line. Regular business notices, 5
cents per line.
Professional cards. >12 per year.
Special rales for large display "ads.
ON
LIFE'S THRESHOLD.
¿3
No Reason to Repine.
A Palpable Evidence.
A Spanish astronomer has ascertained that
there are rain and snow on the moon the
same as on the earth. That dark spot over
the left ear of the man in the moon, then,
must be au umbrella. —Burlington Free
Press.
Her Choice.
A Miss I>*g. of Montana, has just married
a man named Hand. Sb* thought she would
rather be a right Hand than a left Leg.—
New York Tribune.
Mutnal Recognition.
Smith—Why, excuae me, air, but that ia
the umbrella I lost.
Brown—Excuse me. Thia is the umbrella
I found.—Detroit Free Press.
Clerk (to employ er) — Mr. Lowberry, I
would like to be excused from work this
afternoon.
•‘Whet’s the metier nowF
“A beloved aunt is dead and I would like
to attend the funeral.”
“Let’s see -you’ve lost four beloved aunts
this year. Have you any more of them?”
“No, sir; but 1 hsvs five uncles.”—Lincoln
Journal.
IIow He Achieved Wraith.
“I understand that CoL Blear is very
wealthy.”
“Yes, he's worth al »out $100,000.”
“How did be make it?”
“He made it out of coal oil.”
“Indce.ir
“Yes, bis wife lit the fire with koroaene,
and hu got ail ber luuncy.”—Lincoln Jour-
Chicago’s Regret.
Chicago has reason to regret that the world
is so small. Carter Harrison is more than
half way around it already.—Chicago News.
Terrlbla RaT.nge.
To get rid of • bore: Manwra—XarM, If
Mr. Bore 1« (til) here in a quarter of an hour
bring in bahy—Texas Hiftinga.
Acquiescence.
Young Wife- - Henry, 1 want to ask a favor
Lu* is ciwrly »topped by Norria.
•>f VOU.
Young nuxband ~All right; go ahead.
Mr. Sutherland (gravely}—The »liver is
“Do quit smoking that beastly pipe.”
certainly gone. I looked for the plate the
“Certainly Hand me tlie other on<x
first thing.
Mr. Norris (wildly)—HI swear it was on Detroit Free |»n*A
the table when I jumped for him.
Trulli lu .Metaphor.
M.as Sutherland—Perhaps the burglar did
Al—CUarlis »ays hs is buffeting hu
take it. i should think be would, »inco that
through I.fa W bat <!»*•• be mean?
is a hat he came for.
Ed -He'» a fi os lunej dead. Time,
Ba~att (in a half aside that everybody