Image provided by: Morrow County Museum; Heppner, OR
About Heppner gazette-times. (Heppner, Or.) 1925-current | View Entire Issue (May 16, 1929)
HEPPNER GAZETTE TIMES, HEPPNER, OREGON, THURSDAY, MAY 16, 1929.
jXrfJ &tl.lXlST9TlV BY FRANK P. VfiVKNi&f, j
WHAT HAPPENED SO PAS
The Sheridan Dramatic Club, of which
Tom Bibeck, the narrator, Maryella, the
Kin ne carea ior, ana Jim uooper, nis
rival, are members, are to give Pygma
lion and Galatea at the Old Sodlers'
Home, Mr. Hemrnlngway. huaband of
one of the actresses, thinka Bilbeck la.
In love with his wife. The escape of
prisoners from the local penitentiary
keeps Bilbeck busy at his newspaper
work, so that he gets away from the
dramatic group. But Maryella sum
mons him, and starts telling the story
of "Dollyanna" who believes that every
thing that happens turns out to be for
The players arrive at the Old Sol
diers' Home, being greeted royally and
meeting Pink Henwether and others.
NOW GO ON WITH THE STORY
Conversing with Comrade Hen
wether had Its embarrassing draw
backs at that. It is true It didn't
matter what you said to him, but
on the other hand he had the trick
of ' pretending that he heard per
fectly and replying to what he
thought you said.
Thus unexpectedly when I asked
him to pass the bread he responded:
"Yes. He has got a funny nose,
hasn't he? That's Herb Ahlswede.
But don't let him know you think
so, because he is sensitive terribly
sensitive. Until I learned to be
careful about it I used to make him
mad when I spoke about it."
The forty-four caliber look which
Comrade Ahlswede shot In his di
rection would have pierced any
thing but a rhinoceros-hide; but
Pink Henwether prattled on ob
viously: "It looks as if he drinks, don't it?
But that can't be, because he ain't
allowed to here at the Home. It's
durn curious, and I've been puzzled
about it ever since I came here
eight years ago come next Septem
ber." Comrade Ahlswede half rose from
his chair with a durable-looking
Ironstone-china cup in his hand
from which he hastily gulped the
coffee. I was torn between a desire
to appear polite and an Impulse
for self-preservation which was urg
ing me to get under the table, when
Colonel Stewart rapped sharply on
the table and a neighboring hand
drew Ahlswede back into his chair.
"That's one thing I pride myself
on," shouted Comrade Henwether,
leaning closer so that I could hear
him. "I am considerate, I am, and
never hurt anybody's feelings if I
can help it. No matter how funny
a thing looks to me I shut up about
Then changing the subject hast
ily, he observed in a confidential
"That's a mighty pretty woman
you got with you the blonde one, I
mean. She ain't your wife, is she?"
I shook my head frantically.
"No? Well, I guess you are kind
of sweet on her Just the same. I'm
old but I can tell from the way you
looked at her and the way she look
ed back at you Well, I miss my
guess if there ain't a wedding pretty
Mrs. Hemrnlngway was blushing
to her ears.
Pink Henwether saw it.
"Notice how she's blushing?" he
obsreved. "I wonder if she could
have heard what I was saying to
you. If you want her, my boy, go in
and win. I sha'nt stop you. If I
was a little younger I am blessed
if I wouldn't try it!"
Colonel Stewart rapped on the
table again, but Pink failed to hear
it. Finally he sent one of the men
who waited on the table with some
kind of a message to my friend.
The aide tapped Comrade Henweth
er on the shoulder and motioned to
ward the swinging door at the end
of the room.
Pink rose reluctantly.
"I know what's the matter," he
growled. "I got to eat my supper in
the kitchen. I most always do."
Then he laughed, a laugh of triumph.
"But I fooled him this time! I got
all through before he caught me!"
Expostulating loudly with his
guide. Comrade Pink Henwether
was led away past the swinging
doors to the kitchen, where a loud
rumble from time to time reassur
ed us that he still retained the
powers of speech.
"All for the Best"
At eight o'clock the Soldiers'
Home Band played an overture in
the theatre, which was Improvised
from the stable at the rear of the
I will do that band Justice. We
had not heard them at their best
out in the open. To get the full ben
efit of their talent you have to get
them in a small building where
there is no escape either for you
or the sound. Never have I heard
so much music in so short a space
The curtain rose on Galatea and
her apprentice at work. I did not
have to make up until the first act
was pretty well along, so I stood in
the wings to watch. Maryella was
resplendent in a flowing Greek robe
and Mrs. Hemmingway's pearls,
which added just the final touch to
the Boft, glowing flesh of her neck.
When I had finished my approv
ing Inspection of Maryella I allow
ed my glance to stray to Mrs. Hem
rnlngway herself. She was dressed
as before, .except that beneath the
skirt of her tunic she was wearing
voluminously ruffled pantalets
which modestly covered the criti
cized hiatus between the tunic and
the ankle. She had said that she
would fix her costume so that her
husband would not object, and she
had succeeded but at what a cost!
I had Just barely become accus
tomed to Mrs. Hemmingway's con
cealed supports when Jim Cooper,
the warrior, stalked on the stage.
But what an altered gladiator he
was! It was difficult to tell whether
he was infantry or cavalry. His
chest preceded him by at least eight
inches. If you didn't look below
the waist he would scare you to
He advanced to Galatea and told
her in manly tones that he loved
her. She spurned him, and when he
tried to embrace her she spurned
him again in the same place, rather
roughly this time. Something must
have become unfastened or broken,
because he stood for a minute panic
stricken and then before our horri
fied gaze his chest sank down slow
ly and lodged conspicuously at his
It's lucky he wore a waistband or
I hate to think of the consequences.
The plot of the piece was a triSe
unfamiliar to most of our audience
and the beauty of the lines was
probably lost upon them.
"It ain't as funny as 'Uncle Tom's
Cabin'," vouchsafed Comrade Pink
Henwether to the slide-trombonist,
"but we won't let them know we
think, so That's a durn pretty wo
man the one that's In love with
the fat fellow."
I was getting ready to go out and
break the big drum over his head
when a number of his fellow veter
ans made him subside by placing
their hands over his mouth.
They kept him quiet, too, until the
beginning of the second act, when
the curtain went up on me standing
on the pedestal where the statue
had been. Comrade Henwether took
one look and exploded into merri
ment I nearly burned up with anger. If
it hadn't been for the play I would
have jumped across the foot-lights
ond choked the old fool. I tried to
assure myself that It was all for
the best; that I had to stand there-
because otherwise I would probably
have hud to appear In court for
THERE WILL HE 150 OF THE FASTEST
RUNNERS IN THE NORTHWEST
ON THE TRACK.
Come and spend the week. Plenty of good hotel
and rooming accommodations.
Plenty of entertainment for the evenings. A big
dance at Rink Hall every night. Shows, conces
The People of Condon Extend to You a Most
AUSPICES CONDON RACE ASSOCIATION
assault and battery the next morn
ing; but it was difficult to do.
"You can't fool me," said Hen
wether in the tone of a subdued fog
horn. "That ain't no statue. That's
the fat fellow that sat next to me
at dinner. I like him. He's funny.
I'm glad they've got a clown in this
We had to hold the performance
while the put him out protesting,
while they put him out protesting,
"Ha! You'll be sorry you didn't let
me stay. Wait until you want to
play another piece. Where'll your
band be without me to play the
bass-drum? Besides, "I thought
something like this would happen
so I hid all the music!"
Chuckling he was yanked through
We picked up the threads of the
story and tried to go ahead. I
stood there with hands upraised
and eyes fixed upon the spot where
Maryella would enter. It was a hard
pose to hold even for a few minutes,
owing to the interruption I had
been obliged to stand there in that
strained position for considerable
time. My arms began to feel like
leaden weights and a spot on my
shin started to itch. It seemed as
if I couldn't possibly keep from
bending over and scratching It It
"This is all for the best; it's all
for the best," I kept repeating. "If
it didn't itch I wouldn't know it was
But that didn't stop It It seems
as if It would take forever for
Maryella to make her entrance and
kneel at the foot of the pedestal.
How eagerly I waited for the
"It's my dearest wish that my
beautiful statue should come to
I tried to think how It would be
possible to make it plausible for the
first move of a transformed statue
to be that of scratching the shin.
At last she crossed the stage. She
knelt She looked up at me. She
paused. It seemed as if the words
would never come. What was the
matter? I counted ten. At last I
looked down at her. She was try
ing to speak but could not Her
eyes were fixed with terror on a
spot above my head. I turned
One of the borders or hanging
pieces of scenery was ablaze! Yel
low, licking flames were creeping
over it like serpents. It had not
gained much headway yet, but It
was a difficult place to reach.
I leaped from the pedestal. My
first thought was for those old men
crowded into the improvised audience-chamber.
ed, there must be no panic.
I stepped to the foot-lights.
"Colonel Stewart," I said, "will
you please Instruct your bugler to
call assembly and draw your men
up for inspection outside? Please
The colonel saw that there was
some unusual reason for my re
quest and did as I asked. The fam
iliar blare of the bugle brought the
old soldiers instantly to their feet
and they filed out in orderly fashion
at the word of command, not know
ing what it was all about.
I told the women of the company
to get out as quickly as they could
just as they were, and asked the
men to help me put out the fire if
possible, and save whatever prop
erty we could.
The hope of extinguishing the
blaze soon vanished. All water-connections
in the stable were frozen
up and there were no chemical ex
tinguishers. We tried to beat out
the flames, but owing to the loca
tion above it proved impossible.
By the time we decided to aban
don the building the fire had spread
to the- dressing-rooms, and we could
save nothing but a few things that
were standing around the stage.
Jim Cooper managed to rescue the
barge and I got out with the papier
mache statue of myself. No one was
We stood, a disconsolate array.
watching while the barn burned.
There seemed no one to blame for
the occurrence of the fire, which
had doubtless been caused by defec
tive insulation in the electric wir
ing. As we had not put that in
ourselves, there seemed no reason
why we should be considered at
"It's all for the best," said Mary
ella brightly. "I didn't know my
lines in the last act anyway."
Jim Cooper was standing deject
edly with the handle of the barge
in his hand. The padding which
was supposed to be on his chest
had settled down once more and he
had moved it around in back of him
out of the way. It was a curious
looking place for one's chest
"I suppose it is all for the best,"
he said, "but I wish I had been able
to save my clothes. The Greeks
must have designed this costume
of mine for summer weather."
"If you're cold," I said, "think of
"I suppose everybody thinks I
started that fire," complained the
voice of Comrade Henwether. "But
I didn't. The way I get blamed for
everything that happens around
here ought to be reported to the
President of the United States!"
The light snow which had been
falling all day had been succeeded
by a heavier precipitation. The
air was thick with falling flakes
that loomed black as they dropped
between us and the blazing stable.
As the Are burned itself out we be
came more keenly aware of the cold
and at Colonel Stewart's Invitation
It costs very little
to recondition a
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Because of this policy and because of the
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So that you may get the greatest use from yonr
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For a labor charge of only $2.60 you can have
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These prices are for labor only because the
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Feiu) Motor Company
we returned to the main building
of the Home to get warm.
We made a fine motley picture
with our combination of Greeks
and old soldiers, to say nothing of
myself in white tights and white
"The stable was fully insured,"
Colonel Stewart assured us, "and we
never kept horses in it anyway."
(Continued next week.)
Good summer range for 30 or 40
head of cattle. Inquire of Frank
Wilkinson, Heppner. 9-10.
Have you tried our
delicious ice cream so
das, Sundaes, or milk
Ice cold drinks of
all kinds at all times
at our fountain.
AND A GOOD
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ED CHINN, Prop.
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