Image provided by: Morrow County Museum; Heppner, OR
About The Ione independent. (Ione, Or.) 1916-19?? | View Entire Issue (April 3, 1931)
by Lieut. Frank E. Hagan
" ! fcE SB
From the banning of expectancy
Until baby is weaned, Phillips' Milk
of Magnesia perforrs the greatest
service for ninny women.
It relieves nausea, heartburn,
"morning sickness,'' inclination to
yomlt; helps digestion. Its mild lax
ative action assures regular bowel
Phillips' Milk of Magnesia Is bet
ter than lime water for neutralising
cow's milk for Infant feeding.
All drugstores have Phillips' Milk
of Magnesia in generous 2.V and 50c
bottles. Always Insist on the genuine,
endorsed by physicians for 50 years.
A Fear Dismissed
"Tour friends say you nre over
working yourself as a candidate."
"That's one of the Joys of poli
tics." snld Senator Sorghum. "Once
you get well Into It, you have no fear
of unemployment." Washington
"SCIENCE rescues the
by Floyd Gibbons
Noted fournallat dracrt baa hlarlalt
to leading electro-acoueOc lab
oratory. Everyone who I bard of
heaving saould nod It. Reprinted
from tha Hm a) Review. Send
34 stamp to Dapt. 1) 44
1 Waat 44th St. Now York Oty
Work Laid Aside
A. If you spend so much time at
folf you don't have anything laid
aside for a rainy day.
B. Won't IT My desk Is loaded
op with work that I've put aside for
a rainy day.
Aches and Pains
DRAW them out with a "counter
irritant." Distressing m us cull!
lumbago, soreness and stiff ness gener
ally respond pleasantly to good old Mut
terole. Doctors call it a "counterim
tant," because it gets action and is not
just a salve. Musterole helps bring sore
ness and piin to the surface, and thus
gives natural relief. You can feel how its
wanning action penetrates and stimu
lates blood circulation. But do not nop
with one application Apply this sooth
ing, cooling, healing ointment generously
to the affected area once every how
for five hours. Used by millions fat
orer 20 years. Recommended by many
doctors and nurses.
KeepMusterole handy; jars and tubes
To Mothers Musterote is also
mode in milder Jorm for babies
and small children. Ask for ChU
It's Better Now
"I couldn't stand the neighborhood,
It was so nnfashlonable."
"And could you think of no othet
way to Improve It than by moving?
No doubt, Columbus Imagined tbf
world was round because It failed tc
treat him altogether square.
For every stom
ach and intestinal
1IL This good old
home remedy for
! c onstipatlon,
i stomach ills and
ments of the sys
tem bo prevalent these days is in
even greater favor as a family, med
icine than in your grandmother's
-. r - - ai, b
ti ?'errrfr"r,.- I ab
rr irrrf f t a i-J
V ri, IT. ",'.' I
, A .
Write today for FREE book describing the Dr.
C J. Dun famous non-turiocal method of (rait
ing Hilci and oUier KecUl and
Colon ailmcnlt, which we tut
eicluilvtly. Alio l'lvr rietallt of
our WKIITr N ASSURANCE
TO ELIMINATE PILES.
i no. "1a"e now eere, OK
pnniiAN YT r. a t t l r
pi oii-i.'Luai) fHrrN )l-6'IWi
t. lubfir Jit) if Bff.. yMiuiatm
atrwTtON tV, " Ti' TSra wviTinf,
iHaw juuv tBssxzmramcxMasv
W. N. U., Portland, No. 12-1331.
y a-i w
Tha first of April, soma do say,
( tat apart (or All Fools' Pay;
But why tha people call It so.
Not I. nor they themselves do know.
Gut on this day are people sent
On purpose for pure merriment
Put 'tis a thing to ba disputed,
Which Is the greatest fool reputed;
Tha nan that Innocently went
Or he that him designedly sent.
roor Robin's Almanac, 1760.
By ELMO SCOTT WATSON
NE of the most famous
warnings of all history
was that uttered to Julius
Cueenr "Beware the Ides
of March !" But the Ides
of March, however fatal
they may havt been to
the great Roman, are of
little concern to us of
modern times. Another
day which will soon be
here Is the one when we
do most of our "bewaring." That's
the first of April and unless we're very
alert gome one Is sure to make an
April Fool of us.
The practical Joker is with us al
ways, but April 1 is the day when he
is at his best We may Ignore the hat
lying on the sidewalk (with the brick
conceuled under it) or the pocketbook
(either nailed down or attached to a
hidden string which whisks It from
under our hands as we stoop down to
pick it up) and then unsuspectingly
accept an explosive cigar which a
friend hands us or bite Into a tempt
ing chocolate cream and find it filled
with cayenne pepper. We may avoid
all of these familiar pitfalls for the
unwary and then be "taken In" by a
fake telephone calL "Mr. Lyon wants
you to call him," tbey tell us. (Or
It may be Mr. Wolf or Miss Ella
Thant) But when we call the num
ber and ask for that person, a dis
gusted voice at the other end of the
wire tells us 'This Is the too." Or
it may be "Mr. Fish" whose telephone
number turns out to be the aquarium
or "Mr. Snow" at the weather bureau
or "Mr. Coffin" at some undertaking
Some of the foolery, however, Is on
the decline. Large candy factories re
port that they no longer make April
Fools' candy. Not that one cannot buy
cotton balls disguised as sweetmeats;
the obscure shops still supply them.
The larger dealers, however, say that
not ouly are calls growing fewer for
such trick bonbons, but that they
themselves run Into the foreign sub
stance law. Today, as every one
knowa, candy must pass a certain test.
The pure food law has sounded the
death-knell of the china buhy doll
dipped In bitter-sweet chocolate.
Where did thlg April Foolishness
originate, anyway? The answer to that
Question is necessarily a difficult one,
for this custom, like so many others,
goes back so far and has developed
In so many different forms In so many
different countries that it is Impossible,
to ascribe it to any one period or any
one nation. There Is evidence that the
custom was prevalent in Asia in an
cient times, tracing hack to the cele
bration with festal rites of the period
of the vernal equinox In I'ersla. It
was the day when the Persian New
Tear began and whs very close to the
old English New Year's day of March
25. The sun was then entering Into
the sign of frisky Aries and on that
day "the season of rural sports and
vernal delights" began.
In India the Hull festival on March
81 for centuries has been a general
holiday and time for Jest. One of the
favorite diversions consisted of send
ing people on long errnnds of fictitious
import. Colonel Pearee, a British
army officer and writer of a century
ago, snys: "High nnd low Join in it.
The late Sunija Dowlah, I am told,
was very fond of making Hull fools,
though he was a Mussulman of the
highest rank. They carry the Joke so
fur as to send letters nwiklng appoint
ments In the name of persons who
must bo absent from their house lit
the time fixed upon; nnd the laugh Is
always in proportion to the trouble
From the Orient the custom cume
Into western Europe many centuries
ngo. The ancient Itoinaiis took delight
in many sorts of practical Jokeg In
connection with their Feast of the
Saturnalia and there are those who
declare that the first April Fool Joko
was that one which Komulus and Ms
"early settlers" in Homo played upon
the Sabines by Inviting them to the
regular April First celebration in
honor of Neptune and then carrying
off by force the Sabine women.
For centuries the French have bold
a Festival of Fools on April 1, in
which "every kind of absurdity and in
decency was committed." Their term
for April Fool Is "polsson d'Avrll," a
term which means, according to one
explanation, a young fish and there
fore a fish easily caught. When Na
poleon married Maria 1-ouisa. Arch
duchess of Austria, on April 1, 1810.
it gave the waggish Parisians an excel
lent chance to whisper among them
gelveg that he wag "un polsson d'
Avrll." But the classic French Arril
Fool story is that of a young woman
who stole a gold watch from the house
of one friend and hid It In the house
of another friend. She then turned
the ense over to the police. But they
were sadly lacking In the Imagination
necessary to appreciate this Joke. She
was arrested for the theft and the
Judge, entering Into the spirit of the
occasion, sentenced her to Jail for a
year with the remark that she be dis
charged on April 1 the next year as
"un polsson d'Avrll I" Another French
classic Is the escape on April 1. 17nO,
from prison by the duke of Lorraine
and his wife, who shouted back to
their guards the French equivalent of
"April Fool !"
April Fooling has been prevalent In
Great Britain for centuries. There It
mostly took the form of sending Inno
cents upon "sleeveless errands." A
boy might be sent to the cobbler's for
"a pennyworth of his best stirrup oil"
and then be mighty amazed when the
angry shoemaker applied this "oil" to
his back. Or he might be dispatched
to the milk-vendor for "half a pint of
pigeon's milk," to the bookseller s for
'The Life and Adventures of Eve's
Mother," to the butcher shop for a
"meat auger" or to the bakery for "a
In northern England and Scotland
this practice was called "Hunting the
Gowk." An old couplet says:
"On the first day of Aprlle
tlunt the Gowk another mile."
The word "gowk" in reullty means a
cuckoo and wus used metaphorically
for fool, which undoubtedly Is the
origin of the modern slang phrase:
"To knock a man cuckoo." There are
plenty of connecting threads among
all these words, "Gauch" In Teutonic
is a fool, whence we get our word
gawky, and "gene" In old. Saxon was a
cuckoo, whence Is derived "geek,"
meaning one easily Imposed upon. Ite-"
member the words of Malvolio to
Why have yon tufTered me to be Imprlnon'd
And made tha must notorious "sock" and
That e'er Invention played onf
Although April Fool's day appears
to have censed to challenge literary,
wits, there was a tlmo in England
when It brought forth observations
from such scholars as Joseph Addi
son and that prolific and satiric writer
Jonathan Swift Swift seems to Juive
entered Into the spirit of the day and
to have enjoyed the liberties granted
to the practical Joker on April first.
He writes to Stella under date of
March 31, 1713, about a Jolly evening
spent with two good friends "In con
triving a lie for the morrow."
One of the commonest forms of April
Fool Jokes during past years In this
country wus the practice by newspa
pers of printing on April 1 some excit
ing story of an event which never hap
pened and not revealing the fact until
the reader cume to the end of the
yarn. There have been Innumerable
variations of this stunt, ranging from
"scare" stories about the blowing up
of the city hull and the assnsslnatlot
of city cttU'laU or the escape of all
the animals in the aoo to more Inao
cent stories about the discovery ol
burled trensure or the exhibition of
some marvelous and soomlngly impos
sible feat of skill or strength.
Some 40 years ago a Cincinnati
newspaper printed a big story regard
lug a monster of fiendish aspect and
unknown species which had been found
Inhabiting a cave In the hills east of
the city, which had already carried
off several children in its slavering
Jawa and had spread terror in the
neighborhood. There wae even a pic
ture of the Thing, drawn from the de
scriptions of the two or three persons
who had seen it clearly, and fr malig
nant hldeoui-neag of gspect, that mon
ster made all Calibans, dragons, Hur
loihrumbog, demong and octopl look
Finally, down at thg latter end of
the atory In very gmnll type, go gmall
that many readerg overlooked It was
set the legend, "April 1. lNA" Even
some who noticed that date didn't
grasp its gtgnlflcsnce, but continued
to shudder with fear at the thought
of meeting the monster.
Some Phllndelphinng still remember
the story about the big Iceberg that
was "being towed np the river."
Thousands went to the river front to
see the spectacle and then denied that
they had be-n taken In.
A quite modern honx is told as fol
lows by one who was In Ireland when
Peace, of a kind, reigned In Dublin
on March 31. 10'."2. There was ten
sion In the air for the Irreconcilable,
who refused to recognize the truce
with England, bad taken over the Four
Courts and were known to be prepar
ing resistance to the tenns which
Michael Collins and Arthur Griffith
had signed. Anything was likely to
About 1 o'clock on the morning of
April 1 the Morning Post of Ixmdon,
the paper which reflected the views of
those wh) thought that any truce with
the Irish was a betrayal of Great Brit
ain, received a telegram from Dublin
stating thnt the Klldare Street club
had been eclated by the Irreconcilable,
that the members residing there had
been driven Into the streets In their
pajamas and that this social strong
hold of British aristocracy in the Irish
capital had been transformed Into a
stronghold of the enemy.
With due Bolmenlty and with head
lines that bud not been surpassed since
tho declaration of the Armistice with
Germany the telegram was published.
And that night Dublin was flooded
with correspondents American, Eng
lish and French all prepared to cover
the new "war." The British cabinet
was called to Downing afreet for
breakfast, and the world sighed In dis
may and mourned that the Irish, when
peace seemed in sight, "were at it
Only a few know the true atory be
hind the April fool telegrum that start
ed this furore. There was in Dublin
at the time a Major Clarke who had
served with distinction during the
World wur, but who had never been
the same since his experiences In
Flanders. They had developed In him
a "sense of eiumor" that was peculiar.
On one occasion ho collected all the
boots left to bo cleaned outside the
bedroom doora of the largest hotel In
Dublin and dropped them down the
He was barred from the same hotel
for throwing cream-filled eclairs at the
guests during dinner. And It was ho
who sent the telegram. He wns tired
of peace nnd he thought It would be
a good Joke to start the Anglo-Irish
struggle again. And, strange to any,
he nearly accomplished his object, for
tho suspicious Irreconciliibles thought
the wire had been sent by the Free
Stale government as a bait. But they
were not yet prepared. The break did
not come for almost three months
(IB by Wealaro Ninpti Union.)
Soldiers of the Sixth Infantry nt
Fort Oglethorpe In 11U7 remember
with prlilo the ttapjuck dinner served
In D company's mesa. Also, they r
cull the hand to hu.ul battle which fol
lowed. 1 company's meal was a success.
Shonls of liolilen brown cnKcs disap
peared down eap-r throats ; llagons of
frauant sirup were emptied to add to
their seductiveness. Drooping spirits
grew warlike as the food was con
sumed. Ami over nl n corner table
two l company soldiers clashed above
I disputed lliipjack.
Other soldiers shoved them Into the
Miiipuny street, meanwhile chew Ing
their own llapjacka. The warriors
were pushed to the center of a rap-Ully-formed
ring. They squared off.
The fighters were unevenly matched.
"Big Hoy," from down In Alabama,
led with his left; "Shorty," a small,
rather pasly faced fellow from Fort
Sloeum, Im eked nway. Again, the big
fellow led; spilt) the smaller one re
treated IWit this time Big Hoy's blow
almost reached him nnd his freikles
gleamed wanly In recognition of Ids
plight Suddenly, however, the little
man stopped. From somewhere near
his canvas leggings he started a left
The blow, which pulled "Shorty" up
on Ida toe at the end, lauded, surpris
ingly, on the point of the big fellow's
law. Tho big man flopped forward,
rolled over on his back and lay quiet
ly, lie wag out.
Victorious, "Shorty" gaped at the
evidence of his prowess. Then, over
come and frightened, he turned and
fled headlong past the barracks.
A long time later, at the Front. I)
oniony soldiers remembered Ihe pan
cakes. "When thlg ninn's army serves
us beefsteaks. Just before we're going
to step off for an attack. It knows
what It'a doing," the soldiers declared.
"Food has made D company fight, ever
Since the day of the flapjacks. You
tell 'em soldiers!"
The claims of Ernest Sweeney of
Haverhill, Mass., and Chester Merrt
man of Ilomney, W. Vs., both of
ahora enlisted In the American army
at the age of fourteen, to being the
"youngest American soldiers In the
World war," has brought out the fact
that there were other youthful Amer
ican warriors who served In Franca
even though It wns under another
flog. L S. M. ltoblnson, secretary of
department 0 of the Navy League of
the United States, Is the authority for
the following statement:
"Many very young American boys
enlisted In the Canadian army, where
regulations were less stringent than
those of American recruiting officer.
Ttils department has In Its files no
less thnn 21 records of boys under
sixteen years of age who Joined the
army, two of whom were killed In
battle when barely sixteen years old
"Among them were I Goldstein,
fifteen years and fen months; li
Doughty, fifteen yenrs all but three
days, and Anton Kownlskl, fourteen
years and eleven mouths, and Molse
James Prenevost, thirteen years old,
of whom the latter two were born In
Wisconsin and Minnesota and were
living In Canada at the time of their
A Sharp Affair
No group of stories of the World
war can possibly be complete without
tho gem which Involves a colored
Amerlcnn soldier, presumably of the
Ninety-second division, who took part
In an attack.
This man wns about to step off In
his first engagement and he proposed
to be prepared for mortal and san
guinary combat So, for a half hour
r more b'fore the forward movement
was to be launched he occupied him
self with sharpening bis trusty razor.
A brick which some German hnd left
behind made an excellent hone. By
"H" hour the colored man tin -1 his
"equalizer" shnrpenoi' to the fir,st
edge. Opetdng It In his band he went
forward with the rest of the troops.
One of the first places visited was
a huge dugout and, according to popu
lar report, the plan wns occupied by
several of the enemy. One of (hem
made a dash for the razor bearer as b
The colored man, a veteran of levet
dances nil along the Mississippi,
slashed Just once with the fine-edged
razor ns bis enemy was about to grap
ple with lil in.
"Hard luc, colored boy. Younevei
touched me," Ihe German said In ex
cellent English, hut stopping suddenly
In his rush.
"You Jus' think I didn't touch yon,"
replied the colored soldier, a wide,
toothsome grin showing on his face.
"You Jus' thinks I didn't touch you,"
he repenteil. "But you Jus waits
white boy, till you tries to waggle
To' head i"
101. 1930, WnHtorn Nt'Wminper Union.)
And His Subjects Starved '
The hungriest king was Louis XIV
of France. It Is on record that at one
meal he ate four plates of different
soups, a whole pheasant, a purtrldge,
a plate of salad, some roast mutton,
two large slices of ham, a fair share
of pastry nnd then a dessert of fruit
.- 't Si.
To be o
wafci your Bowels!
What should women do to keep
their bowels moving freely? A doc
tor should know tho answer. That
Is why pure Syrup Pepsin Is so
good for women. It Just suits their
tic! lento organism. It Is tho pro
scription of nn old family doctor
who has treated thousands of wom
en patients, nnd who iiindo a apo
dal study of bowel trouble.
Dr. Culdwell'S P.vrup Pepsin ts
in io hi from fresh, luvntlve herbs,
pure pepsin and other hnrmlcH In
gredients. It doesn't sicken or
weaken you. No restrict Ions of
habit or diet are necessary whlla
taking It. But Its action I thor
ough. It carries off the sour bile)
and poisonous waste. It doe every
thing you want It to do, it Is fin
for children, too. They love Its
taste. I-et them have It every time
their tongues arc coated or their
skin Is sallow.
When you've a sick headache, rsn't
eat, are bilious or sliiKgUh; and at
the times when you are most apt to
be constipated, take a Utile of this
famous prescription (nil druiigUtS
keep It rendy In big bottles), and
you'll know why Dr. Caldwell's
Syrup Pepsin Is the favorite lax
ative of over a million women I
Da. W. B. Cas dm tu'
A Doctor Fami!' Laxative
Balsam of Myrrh
Eva Whea, It's Off
Bear Whut is your fnrurtt
Bull-Union Pacific. It's -VI"
whenever It appears on the tape.
Y Feel Always 1
Stiff and Achy?
jasafj" i V,"
a4 U-' 1 a(si-
KUnry Disorders Are Too
serious to Ignore.
Are you troubled with back
ache, bladder irritations and
getting up at night Then don't
take chances! Help your kid
neys at the first sign of disorder.
Use Doon'i I'iILj. Successfulfor
more than 50 years. Endorsed
by hundreds of thousands of
grateful users. Get Doan'i to-
Lday. Sold everywhere.
Clark Does your milkman sell
"milk from contented cows"?
Davenport No, he sells milk from
ARE YOU A PRO
SPECTIVE MOTHER ?
period I was in
was weak, nervous
and all rundown,
bad such nausea
that I could not
to take Dr.
ite Prescription and it soon relieved
me of all my distress and kept me
feeling so well that I have never since
gone tliru expectancy without taking
it I was able to be around doing my
own work without tiring or feeling
fatiKiicd."-Mr. d. C. Garbcr, 1110
N. Laccy St All druggists.
Hcnd loo to llr. I'lnr,' ( lliilo, Buf
falo, N, V., for trlul pnrkiifa.
I" A Wli' i.'i.u
frferl HAIR BALSAM
i,VI 1 llesaweaUeadnin'-Bbioi Hair talllnJ
iM.W -IS lmnI.U.,..J
Beaut? Io Cray ami Fadad llalrf
y?jUt l'h.ti. Wi.il'trhi.n'.W T
ILOKtSION SHAMPOO -InYal for me In
hair anfl and Huffy. 60 runta hy mail oratdniK
Itista. illacox Chemical Wurka, l'slolswue, M. V.