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About The gazette-times. (Heppner, Or.) 1912-1925 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 24, 1916)
1 S; OAZETTT-TIMES. HEPPXKR. ORE.. THURSDAY, AUG. 24, 1916 PACE SEYE? t f t ? t t ? ? t ? ? ? ? ? ? t ? ?" . i . . . T i . . I i I :-: SPICE :-: i 1 ! 1LODB PEA1SOH I FALL IMPLIES W THE L4TSEST SPAT Ti Prices i Siadi fironaa SIM ft IS' fnys on 'Emio rTTTTTTTTTTTTTTI I FOR SALE OR EXCHANGE CADILLAC AUTO, Combina tion Roadster and Touring Car. Detachable tonneau, two tops, new tires, lot of extra equipment. Will sell on terms or trade for j work horses or mules. POSTMASTER, Morgan, Ore. ? t4 White Star Flour MADE AT HOM E From Morrow County's Best Mill ing Wheat. By using our flourwhich is ot superior qual ity to other brands sold here your money is kept at home. For Sale at all Stores in the Ccimty. HEPPNSER &ELL6KG CO. ? ? ? ? t f t f t ? ? f f ? t f People's Casii Market Phone Main 73 Wholesale and retail dealers in FRESH AND CURED MEATS Prompt attention given all orders. HENRY SCHWARZ, Proprietor Camping ftZSg gets with camp equipment, or Ford for hire with or without trailer. PRICES REASONABLE. By Mile or Day Rate See me at Heppner Garage. E. H. KELLOGG THE CLUB IS HEPPNER YOUNG MEN'S POPULAR RESORT BILLIARDS AND POOL WE SERVE ALL THE LEADING BRANDS OF SOFT DRINKS AND THE BEST LINES OF CIGARS AND TOBACCO. - -:- O. B. Hottmatl, in tin ralace Hotel. Literal. A London wholesale house provi sion house, which prides itself on fill ing u!l orders correctly, received a letter (rein a provincial customer re cently complaining bitterly of the very poor quality of the last two lots of eggs supplied. The reputation of the house for never making an error seemed to be at stake, but the bright mind of the junior partner found a way out of it. He wrote: "Gentleman: We are sorry to hear that our consignment did not suit you; there was, however, no mis take on our part. We have looked up your original order and find that it reads as follows: 'Rush fifty boxes of eggs. We want them bad." "Tit-Bits. I i I I Chairman of the Committee Is this the place where you are happy all the time? St. Peter (proudly)-It ,1s sir. Chairman of the Committee- Well, I represent the union and if we come In we can agree to be happy eight hours a day. Life. I I I I "See that man over there?" "Yes very ordinary looking. What's he ever done?" "Well, he ain't much for looks, but he can come nearer findln' a drink in a dry town than any other man ye ever seen." Kansas City Star. I I I I "My doctor told me I would have to quit eating so much." "Did you laugh him to scorn?" "I did Rt first, but when he sent In his bill I found he was right." Dallas News, I I I I Music Dealer. And here's the "Lucia" sextette a very popular re cord. Mrs. Rox, (vlrtuosly). No, not for a family machine; there's too much of the sex business nowadays. Puck. "It Is said," he remarked, reflect ively, "that women's hands are grow ing larger." "Well?" she retu'ned inquiringly "Yes," he asserted. "And the worst of it Is that there Is every likehood that this tendency will con tinue." "Yes?" she said in the same In quiring tone. "Yes," he repeated. "You see, motor-driving, and golfing, and ten nis and other sports that women have recently taken up are responsible for it." "In that rase," she said,- wittf a glance at her own dainty hands, "you'd better speak quick if you want a small one." Tit-I!ils. 5 5 5 ! "You advertised as a chaufferette- maid." "Yes, madam." "What were your duties at your last place?" "1 drove and cleaned th cars single- handed." "And as maid?" "1 took down my lady at night and assem bled her in the morning, madam." Punch. 15 5 5 A northerner riding through the West Virginia, mountains can'e up with a mountaineer leisurely driving a herd of pigs.. "Where are you driv ing the pigs to?" asked the rider. "Out to pasture 'em a bit." "What for?" "To fatten 'em." "Isn't it pretty slow work to ration 'em on grasses?" I'p where I eamo from we pen them up and lee.l them on corn. It saves a fot of time. "Yaas, 1 s'pose so," drawled the mountaineer. "But what's time to hawg?" I I S Jake Penticoff came to seek aid from the city fathers. "I gota half a sack of flour," said Jake. "I'm all out and my family iss starfnf." "All right, Jake," said the official. "If you need the flour and have no money we'll get you a sack. Hut ee here, Jake, there's a circus coming to town, and if we get you flour are you sure that you will not sell it and take your family to the circus?" "Oh, no," said Jake; "I already got that sated up. Yas I got money to go 0 the circus. I I I I A violinist who gives concerts throughout the west was bitterly dis appointed with the account of his re cital printed In a country newspaper. "I told you three or four times," complained the musician to the own er of the paper, "that the instrument 1 used was a genuine Stradivanub, and in his story there was not a word about It, not a word." Whereupon the owner said, with a laugh: "That io as it i-.hoald bH. Whe.i M. Stradl arius gets Hs fidd'e ftlvertvwl. In in my paper under two dollars a line, you come around and let me know." I I I As a train was gelling up steam to leave a certain station, it suddenly parted in the middle. Of course, the communication cord broke and one end of it struck an old lady, who was standing on the platform, in the face. "Goodness me," she gasped in as tonishment. "What was that?" "The train has broken in two, mad am," said the gentleman who stood nearby. "And V should think so," said the old lady indignantly, as she eyed the broken cord. "Did they really think that a piece of string like ili-.U puld hold a train together." An Englishmen was walking along one of the principal thoroughfares of Washington and saw a curly-haired old negro putting coal in one of the cellars of the government buildings. The negro worked away iudustrously "What is your name?" asked the in terested tourist at length. The ne gro bowed in a pleasant way. "My name's George Washington sub, at your service." "Washington, Wash ington," muttered the Englishman, musingly. "It seems to me I have heard the name before." "Shoudn't wonder, sah," replied the negro, in a delighted tone. "I've been here do- I ing this sort of thing for the last ten years." I I I I A Definition. A priest was showing off his class and proceeded to ask one little boy in the presence of the archbishop: "What is matrimony?" The little boy's eyes bulged out at the suddenness with which the ques tion was put, and then he said me chanically: "Matrimony is a state of punishment to which some 30uls are condemed, to suffer for a while before they are considered good e- nough to go to heaven." "Tut, tut," said the priest. "That is the definition for purgat ry." "Let him alone," said ths aiciiMs hop. . "He may be right .vi:ai do wo know klout it, an way Every body 6 Magazine I I I i The Alienist's Trail. "Did that alienist prove that you were crazy?" "No," replied the defendant, "but he admitted that he was nearly so be fore the lawyer got through with him." Dallas News. n '-V.-. V. Ar A National Institution ' Why, sir, the Union may be preserved from dismember ment by this proposed railroad." Joseph R. Underwood in the United States Senate, February 19, 1853. "The road has been built through an Indian country with all the tribes banded together and hostile." General G. AfJ Dodge in Congress, 1868. p OR half a century and more ever since the first locomotive poked hi nose west of the Missouri River this railroad has worked con tinuously for the development of the territory which it serves, and for the improvement of the property. Hundreds of thousands of. dollars are spent every year in telling the people of the East about the wonder ful opportunities of the West. Prosperous cities and towns, thriving industries and fertile farms mark fifty years of nota ble progress. The Union Pa cific System .has led among western railroads in keeping its lines at the highest standard; whether business is good or bad, adequate provision is al ways made for maintenance of the Boulevard of Steel which links the East with the West. The Union Pacific System has also been first with practically every device which makes for security and comfort of travel ers and for safety and expedi tion in the passage of freight. Success has justified this policy of efficiency, but the full measure of success has been attained only by the con fidence and support of the people who live in the Union Pacific country, and to them this advertisement is directed in a spirit of grateful apprecia tion. The Union Pacific Sys tem is proud of its territory and of the people who live in its territory, and in turn is worthy of the pride with which it is re garded by the people it serves as a great national institution. UNION PACIFIC SYSTEM Joins East and West with a Boulevard ol Steel WM. McMURRAY General Passenger Agent PORTLAND OCT HE9:: A Hew 'Model Ty 0LiEnJ pewnfer 773 StWard I'hil'.t V ti BUY IT NOW! WXhi . . m Yes, the crowning typewriter triumph is here! IT IS JUST OUT-AND COMES YEARS BEFORE EXPERTS EXPECTED IT. For makers have striven a life-time to attain this ideal machine. And Oliver has wua again, as we scored when we gave the world its first visible writing. There is truly no other typewriter on earth like this new Oliver 1 touch so light that the tread of a kitten will run the keys! '9." Think of a CAUTION! The new-day advances that come alone on this machine are all controlled by Oliver. Even our own previous models famous in their day never had the Optional Duplex Shift. It puts the whole control of 84 letters and characters In the little Angers of the right and left hands. And it lets you 'write them all with 28 keys, the least to operate of any standard typewriter made. WARNING! This brilliant new Oliver comes at the old time price. It costs no more than lesser makes now out-of-date when compared with this discovery. For while the Oliver's splendid new fea tures are costly we have equalized the added expense to us by simplifying construction. Resolve right now to see this great achievement before you spend a dollar for any typewriter. If you are using some other make you will want to see how much more this one does. If you are using an Oliver, it naturally follows that you want the finest model. Thus writers of all other machines can immediately run the Oliver Number "0" with more speed and greater cse. 17 CENTS A DAY! Hememb.- this brand-new Oliver "9" is the greatest value ever given iu u ---------- typewriter. It has all our previous special inventions visible writing, auto matic spacer, 6', 2 -ounce touch plus the Optional Duplev Shift. Selective Color Altiicliinent, and all these other new-day features. Vet we have decided to sell it to everyone everywhere on our famous payment plan day! Now every user can easily afford to have the world's crack visible writer, with , PRINTYFE, that writes like print, included FREE If desired. -t7 cents a the famous TODAY Write for Full Details and be amonS e to know about this marvel of writing maehlnei. See why typists, employers, and individuals every- Just mail a postal at once. No obligation. It's a pleasure for us to where are flocking to the Oliver tell you about it. THE OLIVER TYPEWRITER CO., Oliver Typewriter Building, Chicago.