1
S; OAZETTT-TIMES. HEPPXKR. ORE.. THURSDAY, AUG. 24, 1916 PACE SEYE?
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I :-: SPICE :-:
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! 1LODB PEA1SOH
I FALL IMPLIES W THE
L4TSEST SPAT Ti
Prices i Siadi fironaa SIM ft IS'
fnys on 'Emio
rTTTTTTTTTTTTTTI I
FOR SALE
OR EXCHANGE
CADILLAC AUTO, Combina
tion Roadster and Touring Car.
Detachable tonneau, two tops, new tires, lot of
extra equipment.
Will sell on terms or trade for j
work horses or mules.
POSTMASTER, Morgan, Ore. ?
t4
White Star Flour
MADE AT HOM E
From Morrow County's Best Mill
ing Wheat.
By using our flourwhich is ot superior qual
ity to other brands sold here your money is
kept at home.
For Sale at all Stores in the Ccimty.
HEPPNSER &ELL6KG CO.
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People's Casii Market
Phone Main 73
Wholesale and retail dealers in
FRESH AND CURED MEATS
Prompt attention given all orders.
HENRY SCHWARZ, Proprietor
Camping ftZSg
gets with camp equipment, or Ford for
hire with or without trailer.
PRICES REASONABLE. By Mile or Day Rate
See me at Heppner Garage. E. H. KELLOGG
THE CLUB
IS HEPPNER YOUNG MEN'S POPULAR RESORT
BILLIARDS AND POOL
WE SERVE ALL THE LEADING BRANDS OF SOFT DRINKS
AND THE BEST LINES OF CIGARS AND TOBACCO. - -:-
O. B. Hottmatl, in tin ralace Hotel.
Literal.
A London wholesale house provi
sion house, which prides itself on fill
ing u!l orders correctly, received a
letter (rein a provincial customer re
cently complaining bitterly of the
very poor quality of the last two lots
of eggs supplied.
The reputation of the house for
never making an error seemed to be
at stake, but the bright mind of the
junior partner found a way out of it.
He wrote:
"Gentleman: We are sorry to hear
that our consignment did not suit
you; there was, however, no mis
take on our part. We have
looked up your original order
and find that it reads as follows:
'Rush fifty boxes of eggs. We want
them bad." "Tit-Bits.
I i I I
Chairman of the Committee Is
this the place where you are happy
all the time? St. Peter (proudly)-It
,1s sir. Chairman of the Committee-
Well, I represent the union and if
we come In we can agree to be happy
eight hours a day. Life.
I I I I
"See that man over there?" "Yes
very ordinary looking. What's he
ever done?" "Well, he ain't much
for looks, but he can come nearer
findln' a drink in a dry town than any
other man ye ever seen." Kansas
City Star.
I I I I
"My doctor told me I would have
to quit eating so much." "Did
you laugh him to scorn?" "I did Rt
first, but when he sent In his bill I
found he was right." Dallas News,
I I I I
Music Dealer. And here's the
"Lucia" sextette a very popular re
cord. Mrs. Rox, (vlrtuosly). No,
not for a family machine; there's too
much of the sex business nowadays.
Puck.
"It Is said," he remarked, reflect
ively, "that women's hands are grow
ing larger."
"Well?" she retu'ned inquiringly
"Yes," he asserted. "And the
worst of it Is that there Is every
likehood that this tendency will con
tinue."
"Yes?" she said in the same In
quiring tone.
"Yes," he repeated. "You see,
motor-driving, and golfing, and ten
nis and other sports that women have
recently taken up are responsible for
it."
"In that rase," she said,- wittf a
glance at her own dainty hands,
"you'd better speak quick if you want
a small one." Tit-I!ils.
5 5 5 !
"You advertised as a chaufferette-
maid." "Yes, madam." "What
were your duties at your last place?"
"1 drove and cleaned th cars single-
handed." "And as maid?" "1 took
down my lady at night and assem
bled her in the morning, madam."
Punch.
15 5 5
A northerner riding through the
West Virginia, mountains can'e up
with a mountaineer leisurely driving
a herd of pigs.. "Where are you driv
ing the pigs to?" asked the rider.
"Out to pasture 'em a bit." "What
for?" "To fatten 'em." "Isn't it
pretty slow work to ration 'em on
grasses?" I'p where I eamo from we
pen them up and lee.l them on corn.
It saves a fot of time. "Yaas, 1 s'pose
so," drawled the mountaineer. "But
what's time to hawg?"
I I S
Jake Penticoff came to seek aid
from the city fathers.
"I gota half a sack of flour," said
Jake. "I'm all out and my family iss
starfnf."
"All right, Jake," said the official.
"If you need the flour and have no
money we'll get you a sack. Hut
ee here, Jake, there's a circus coming
to town, and if we get you flour are
you sure that you will not sell it and
take your family to the circus?"
"Oh, no," said Jake; "I already got
that sated up. Yas I got money to go
0 the circus.
I I I I
A violinist who gives concerts
throughout the west was bitterly dis
appointed with the account of his re
cital printed In a country newspaper.
"I told you three or four times,"
complained the musician to the own
er of the paper, "that the instrument
1 used was a genuine Stradivanub,
and in his story there was not a word
about It, not a word." Whereupon
the owner said, with a laugh: "That
io as it i-.hoald bH. Whe.i M. Stradl
arius gets Hs fidd'e ftlvertvwl. In
in my paper under two dollars a line,
you come around and let me know."
I I I
As a train was gelling up steam to
leave a certain station, it suddenly
parted in the middle. Of course, the
communication cord broke and one
end of it struck an old lady, who was
standing on the platform, in the face.
"Goodness me," she gasped in as
tonishment. "What was that?"
"The train has broken in two, mad
am," said the gentleman who stood
nearby.
"And V should think so," said the
old lady indignantly, as she eyed the
broken cord. "Did they really think
that a piece of string like ili-.U puld
hold a train together."
An Englishmen was walking along
one of the principal thoroughfares of
Washington and saw a curly-haired
old negro putting coal in one of the
cellars of the government buildings.
The negro worked away iudustrously
"What is your name?" asked the in
terested tourist at length. The ne
gro bowed in a pleasant way. "My
name's George Washington sub, at
your service." "Washington, Wash
ington," muttered the Englishman,
musingly. "It seems to me I have
heard the name before." "Shoudn't
wonder, sah," replied the negro, in a
delighted tone. "I've been here do-
I
ing this sort of thing for the last
ten years."
I I I I
A Definition.
A priest was showing off his class
and proceeded to ask one little boy
in the presence of the archbishop:
"What is matrimony?"
The little boy's eyes bulged out at
the suddenness with which the ques
tion was put, and then he said me
chanically: "Matrimony is a state
of punishment to which some 30uls
are condemed, to suffer for a while
before they are considered good e-
nough to go to heaven."
"Tut, tut," said the priest. "That
is the definition for purgat ry."
"Let him alone," said ths aiciiMs
hop. . "He may be right .vi:ai do wo
know klout it, an way Every
body 6 Magazine
I I I i
The Alienist's Trail.
"Did that alienist prove that you
were crazy?"
"No," replied the defendant, "but
he admitted that he was nearly so be
fore the lawyer got through with
him." Dallas News.
n
'-V.-. V. Ar
A National Institution
' Why, sir, the Union may be preserved from dismember
ment by this proposed railroad." Joseph R. Underwood in
the United States Senate, February 19, 1853.
"The road has been built through an Indian country with
all the tribes banded together and hostile." General G. AfJ
Dodge in Congress, 1868.
p OR half a century
and more ever since
the first locomotive poked hi
nose west of the Missouri River
this railroad has worked con
tinuously for the development
of the territory which it serves,
and for the improvement of
the property. Hundreds of
thousands of. dollars are spent
every year in telling the people
of the East about the wonder
ful opportunities of the West.
Prosperous cities and towns,
thriving industries and fertile
farms mark fifty years of nota
ble progress. The Union Pa
cific System .has led among
western railroads in keeping
its lines at the highest standard;
whether business is good or
bad, adequate provision is al
ways made for maintenance of
the Boulevard of Steel which
links the East with the West.
The Union Pacific System has
also been first with practically
every device which makes for
security and comfort of travel
ers and for safety and expedi
tion in the passage of freight.
Success has justified this
policy of efficiency, but the
full measure of success has
been attained only by the con
fidence and support of the
people who live in the Union
Pacific country, and to them
this advertisement is directed
in a spirit of grateful apprecia
tion. The Union Pacific Sys
tem is proud of its territory and
of the people who live in its
territory, and in turn is worthy
of the pride with which it is re
garded by the people it serves
as a great national institution.
UNION PACIFIC SYSTEM
Joins East and West with a Boulevard ol Steel
WM. McMURRAY
General Passenger Agent
PORTLAND
OCT
HE9::
A Hew 'Model Ty
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pewnfer
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