Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The gazette-times. (Heppner, Or.) 1912-1925 | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1915)
1 0 HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTIOK EDISON Stories World Meets With Smiles Her Prerogattve. MISTRESS Are you the mistress of this house, Mary? Mary (who has been rather Impudent) No, ma'am. Mistress Well, then, don't talk like an Idiot. Of Course. "What is this moratorium they're talking about in the papers, pa?" "Why, It's a place where they put dead people. Don't bother ma with Buch foolish questions." The Difference. Figgs That Paris editor who was assassinated left a fortune of $2,000,000. Griggs He wasn't an editor. He was a journalist. Oh My! Mrs. Gramercy I suppose you feel the busiuess depression. Mrs. Park It's just terrible, my dear! We're still using our last year's car. Stuffed Sage. At a Christmas dinner in Wash ington a statesman was called upon after the meal to make a speech. " He rose and began: "You have been giving your atten tion so far to a turkey stuffed with sage. You are now about to give your attention to a sage stuffed with turkey. No Place Like It. Fred Bromley was an artist of the Impressionist school. He had Just Eiven the last touches to a purple and blue canvas when his young wife came into the studio. "This is the landscape I wanted you to suggest a title for, dear," said he, standing aside and proudly surveying his work. "Why not call it 'Home'?" said she, after a reflective look. ' 'Home'? Why?" "Because there's no place like It," she replied meekly, as becomes a wife who 13 entirely without the finer feelings of Imagination. Lippin cott's. j It Made It Easy. Mrs. Smith had recently moved Into the neighborhood. "I thought I would come to tell you that your James has been fight ing with my Edward," said one of the neighbors one morning, as she called at Mrs. Smith s door, "and settle the matter if I could. "Well, for my part," responded Mrs. Smith, haughtily, "I have no time to enter Into any discussion about the children's quarrels. I con sider myself above such trifling things." "I'm delighted to hear it," was the reply. "I'll send James over on a stretcher in an hour or two. was just retiring when the old gen tleman called him back. "There's a fly in this Ice pudding!" he remarked coldly. Albert saw it, and immediately re membered his great motto. "Well, let him stay, sir, and catch a chill," he said darkly. "The idiot was fn a plate of soup a few minutes ago. Does he take the place for a Turkish bath?" Answers. A Patient Dentist. Victim Mercy! That isn't the right tooth you've pulled. Dentist Be patient, madam; I'm coming to it. Didn't Know Her. She Before we were married you called me an angel. He I know I did; but It was a case of mistaken identity. A Good Price. Mrs. Wheeler's family and the new baby were being freely discussed by their next door neighbor. "Isn't it strange they didn't name the baby after her rich uncle?" said one. "No; he looked at It and said he'd give them $15,000 not to," A Late Stayer. Irate Colonel (to his dninrhteM Elizabeth, how could you be so In- nospiianie to that young man who called last night? Hess inhospitable! Why dad Pater You should by no means tec mm go without asking him to breakfast. The Finishing Touch. The young man hesitated to be lieve the statement of her little brother that the young lady was not at home. He repeated the question, at the same time displaying a quar ter. The boy eyed it longingly and again replied in the negative. "But didn't she leave a message for nie? asked the disappointed swain. "Yes," said the lad and nothing more. As one who sees a great light, the young man tosspd him th3 coin. "Now," he said, "out with the mes sage. "She said she's not gonna see you any more and you're not to give me any money. Philadelphia Ledger. Buying Experience. Some men seem to get through life more or less comfortably by taking as their guiding principle the old saw about any excuse being better than none. Young Albert was like that; every day strengthened his belief In the wisdom of the wise man who had first uttered the remark. The last job he had was that of a waiter at a small restaurant. One day he served a peppery old gentleman one of the sarcastic kind who glare over the tops of tbelr spec tacles with an ice pudding. Alnert . The Doctors. Two Manhattan nhvslcinno mom enjoying the breeze from the front seat on the "hurricane deck" of a Riverside Drive bus one sultry after noon last week when part of their conversation was overheard. It ran like this: "I performed an ODeratlnn tnr in. pendicitis on the wife of n minim,. aire yesterday," said the etouter of uie pair. ies, said the other. "What was sne fluttering from?" Boston Advertiser. Too Full to Talk. Mattle was rpcpntlv - " - uj a Boston matron. Aa miht h pected, she has many admlrerb so many, uer mistress asserts, that the kitchen is seldom without some male aspirant for her hand. on one occasion the mistress of the nouse, wno, tnougn she thoroughly disaDoroves of her rnnk'a lsnsiira CallillS list, hpsitatoa tn molrn - w , fcM uiuau vuu strong objections, lest she thereby iuso uie vaiuaine gin s services, re ferred to tne advent of a new ad mirer. "WhV is it. Mnttie thnf- vnnr lot. est caller keeps such a deathly silence wun you wnen ne cans? "Oh. ma'am." anlrl alia "no ttio poor fellow Is that bashful he does noinin dih ate: A MARVEL he ? Ea-iH"" If Phunli - like rises from me asn- ?. Since the big Ire thousands of men have been working day and night rebuilding the Edison factories. They are making t a 1 k 1 ng machines and records again. "REAL MUSIC AT LAST" This was Thomas A. Kdlaon'a first re mark when he heard this latest Instru. msnt. that he had spent four year to perfect. Diamond Point Phonographs Have No Equal This one sent on Free Trial MODEL A80, illus trated her, In osk or mahogany, with 20 se- CQA lections ... P;w Terms J1.50 week. Write for Catalogs They Are Free PORTLAND, OREGON DROUTH Insure Anient Prepare your soil to retain moisture ana produce bigger crop yield, by making perfect bed Kith the IMPERIAL PULVERIZER Packe the subsoil and crushes, roll levels and pulverises the topeolt. Doe the work of I Implement all In one trip. C buying more Implements D3T6S save two extra tripe over the plowed ground. Rend at i :t for oar booklet Peterson Mfg. Co., 17 River it., Rent, Ohio. AMUSEMENTS. Knougli. The King brought down his mailed fist and the heavy table groaned at the impact, relates the Cleveland Plain Dealer. . "Let's have a war," he cried. The senior adviser stepped for ward. "There should be some excuse for it," he mildly declared. "Race hatred," said the second ad viser. "Self-preservation," said the third. "Diplomatic deception," put in the fourth. "Impending aggression," added the fifth. The King laughed scornfully. And all the men-at-arm3 in the ante chamber clashed their weapons and echoed the laugh. "Let's have a war," he roared. So they had a war. When you go to rortland you will want to Attend the Theater You will get the most for your money by going to THE BAKER (Geo. L. Baker, Mgr.) Ob Broadway and Morrinon Bis. Home of the Famona Baker Playere. Prices, 23c, Sic, 50c, 75c. Mats., 25c 50c, Matinees SUNDAY. WEDNESDAY, SATURDAY. Always a new play. High-class company of real actors and actresses. Beautiful scenic and stage effects. The Baker Players have been famou In Portland for 15 years and to see them Is a part of one's visit to the metropolis. The theater Is alwavs a part of the business of a trip to Portland. At Hroaonsr ins Btnrn. nirrris, ineni In the Middle of the Hotel District, Will lie Found the OHPHKIJM, the largest and newest theater In the Northwest, and where there is always a bill that combines music, novelties and laugh provokinir features. THE OKPUKUM IS ALWAYS WOKTH WHILK. rheHEART;J, WHEAT A NATION'S BREAKFAST EVERYWHERE! 1 5c. If your dealer does not handle, send 15c stamps for regular sis package by Parcel Post to MORGAN MILLING CO. GOI.DENDALE. WASH, FREE LESSONS IN Given With Our Courses In BOOKKEEPING AND SHORTHAND by Mall. STUDY SUCCESSFULLY AT HOME during; the Winter evenings under the personal Instruction of our ei perts and get a practical business education at little coat ALL BOOKS AND SUPPLIES FRL Write at once for (nil Information and tree sample lesson. CENTRAL COMMERCIAL COLLEGE Ontrnl Blda- Portland. Orexnsu Q LINK'S F BUSINESS COLLEGE J lV Portland, Oregon yl MILITARY ACADEMY A Sleet Non-Sectarian Boarding and Day School for Boys. Military Dis cipline; Small Classes; Men Teachera Careful supervision secures result that are not attained elsewhere. Sead for catalogue. 821 Marshall Street, rortlsnd. Or. IN EQUALED VAUDEVILLE, Broadway at Alder, I'orlland. S Marten-Jewell Troop 5, presenting: "An Event In Club dom"; Tne Joy Germ, Carl McCulloujfh, "Footlight Im pressions"; "Outwitted." a playlet In the wilderness, pre sented by Ronald Bradbury, Edward Hern & Co.; Hennlngs, Lrwls at Co, "Mixed Drinks" ; Gibson at Dyso, eccentric comedians; Renrlln and Sister, a bicycle novelty; Pnntsugeaenae, First-Hun Pictures. r Fish Bite SSsSsOTVo. nan wun ssngio-ansn-ijiirB, " " fish bait ever dlaoovered. Keeps yon busr nulling them out. Write to-day aud get a i. W. Gregory, Dept. 88 St. Louis, Mr OlSf KL't Seeds' V! n a both flr and resjo- Ulsjm am on saw ererT- vain umy are una 4f ana wpewiaMn scraai-e ally tasted bce pssL V
