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HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTIOK
EDISON
Stories World Meets With Smiles
Her Prerogattve.
MISTRESS Are you the mistress
of this house, Mary?
Mary (who has been rather
Impudent) No, ma'am.
Mistress Well, then, don't talk
like an Idiot.
Of Course.
"What is this moratorium they're
talking about in the papers, pa?"
"Why, It's a place where they put
dead people. Don't bother ma with
Buch foolish questions."
The Difference.
Figgs That Paris editor who was
assassinated left a fortune of
$2,000,000.
Griggs He wasn't an editor. He
was a journalist.
Oh My!
Mrs. Gramercy I suppose you
feel the busiuess depression.
Mrs. Park It's just terrible, my
dear! We're still using our last
year's car.
Stuffed Sage.
At a Christmas dinner in Wash
ington a statesman was called upon
after the meal to make a speech.
" He rose and began:
"You have been giving your atten
tion so far to a turkey stuffed with
sage. You are now about to give
your attention to a sage stuffed with
turkey.
No Place Like It.
Fred Bromley was an artist of the
Impressionist school. He had Just
Eiven the last touches to a purple and
blue canvas when his young wife
came into the studio.
"This is the landscape I wanted you
to suggest a title for, dear," said he,
standing aside and proudly surveying
his work.
"Why not call it 'Home'?" said she,
after a reflective look.
' 'Home'? Why?"
"Because there's no place like It,"
she replied meekly, as becomes a wife
who 13 entirely without the finer
feelings of Imagination. Lippin
cott's. j
It Made It Easy.
Mrs. Smith had recently moved Into
the neighborhood.
"I thought I would come to tell
you that your James has been fight
ing with my Edward," said one of
the neighbors one morning, as she
called at Mrs. Smith s door, "and
settle the matter if I could.
"Well, for my part," responded
Mrs. Smith, haughtily, "I have no
time to enter Into any discussion
about the children's quarrels. I con
sider myself above such trifling
things."
"I'm delighted to hear it," was the
reply. "I'll send James over on a
stretcher in an hour or two.
was just retiring when the old gen
tleman called him back.
"There's a fly in this Ice pudding!"
he remarked coldly.
Albert saw it, and immediately re
membered his great motto.
"Well, let him stay, sir, and catch
a chill," he said darkly. "The idiot
was fn a plate of soup a few minutes
ago. Does he take the place for a
Turkish bath?" Answers.
A Patient Dentist.
Victim Mercy! That isn't the
right tooth you've pulled.
Dentist Be patient, madam; I'm
coming to it.
Didn't Know Her.
She Before we were married you
called me an angel.
He I know I did; but It was a
case of mistaken identity.
A Good Price.
Mrs. Wheeler's family and the new
baby were being freely discussed by
their next door neighbor.
"Isn't it strange they didn't name
the baby after her rich uncle?" said
one.
"No; he looked at It and said he'd
give them $15,000 not to,"
A Late Stayer.
Irate Colonel (to his dninrhteM
Elizabeth, how could you be so In-
nospiianie to that young man who
called last night?
Hess inhospitable! Why dad
Pater You should by no means
tec mm go without asking him to
breakfast.
The Finishing Touch.
The young man hesitated to be
lieve the statement of her little
brother that the young lady was not
at home. He repeated the question,
at the same time displaying a quar
ter. The boy eyed it longingly and
again replied in the negative.
"But didn't she leave a message
for nie? asked the disappointed
swain.
"Yes," said the lad and nothing
more.
As one who sees a great light, the
young man tosspd him th3 coin.
"Now," he said, "out with the mes
sage.
"She said she's not gonna see you
any more and you're not to give me
any money. Philadelphia Ledger.
Buying Experience.
Some men seem to get through life
more or less comfortably by taking
as their guiding principle the old
saw about any excuse being better
than none.
Young Albert was like that; every
day strengthened his belief In the
wisdom of the wise man who had
first uttered the remark. The last
job he had was that of a waiter at
a small restaurant.
One day he served a peppery old
gentleman one of the sarcastic kind
who glare over the tops of tbelr spec
tacles with an ice pudding. Alnert
. The Doctors.
Two Manhattan nhvslcinno mom
enjoying the breeze from the front
seat on the "hurricane deck" of a
Riverside Drive bus one sultry after
noon last week when part of their
conversation was overheard. It ran
like this:
"I performed an ODeratlnn tnr in.
pendicitis on the wife of n minim,.
aire yesterday," said the etouter of
uie pair.
ies, said the other. "What
was sne fluttering from?" Boston
Advertiser.
Too Full to Talk.
Mattle was rpcpntlv
- " - uj
a Boston matron. Aa miht h
pected, she has many admlrerb so
many, uer mistress asserts, that the
kitchen is seldom without some male
aspirant for her hand.
on one occasion the mistress of the
nouse, wno, tnougn she thoroughly
disaDoroves of her rnnk'a lsnsiira
CallillS list, hpsitatoa tn molrn
- w , fcM uiuau vuu
strong objections, lest she thereby
iuso uie vaiuaine gin s services, re
ferred to tne advent of a new ad
mirer.
"WhV is it. Mnttie thnf- vnnr lot.
est caller keeps such a deathly silence
wun you wnen ne cans?
"Oh. ma'am." anlrl alia "no ttio
poor fellow Is that bashful he does
noinin dih ate:
A
MARVEL
he ? Ea-iH""
If
Phunli - like
rises from me asn-
?. Since the big
Ire thousands of
men have been
working day and
night rebuilding the
Edison factories.
They are making
t a 1 k 1 ng machines
and records again.
"REAL MUSIC
AT LAST"
This was Thomas
A. Kdlaon'a first re
mark when he heard this latest Instru.
msnt. that he had spent four year to
perfect.
Diamond Point
Phonographs
Have No Equal
This one sent
on Free Trial
MODEL A80, illus
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AMUSEMENTS.
Knougli.
The King brought down his mailed
fist and the heavy table groaned at
the impact, relates the Cleveland
Plain Dealer. .
"Let's have a war," he cried.
The senior adviser stepped for
ward. "There should be some excuse for
it," he mildly declared.
"Race hatred," said the second ad
viser. "Self-preservation," said the third.
"Diplomatic deception," put in the
fourth. "Impending aggression,"
added the fifth.
The King laughed scornfully. And
all the men-at-arm3 in the ante
chamber clashed their weapons and
echoed the laugh.
"Let's have a war," he roared.
So they had a war.
When you go to rortland you will
want to
Attend the Theater
You will get the most for your money
by going to
THE BAKER
(Geo. L. Baker, Mgr.)
Ob Broadway and Morrinon Bis.
Home of the Famona Baker Playere.
Prices, 23c, Sic, 50c, 75c. Mats., 25c 50c,
Matinees
SUNDAY. WEDNESDAY, SATURDAY.
Always a new play. High-class company
of real actors and actresses. Beautiful
scenic and stage effects. The Baker
Players have been famou In Portland
for 15 years and to see them Is a part
of one's visit to the metropolis.
The theater Is alwavs a part
of the business of a trip to Portland.
At Hroaonsr ins Btnrn. nirrris, ineni
In the Middle of the Hotel District, Will
lie Found the OHPHKIJM, the largest
and newest theater In the Northwest,
and where there is always a bill that
combines music, novelties and laugh
provokinir features. THE OKPUKUM
IS ALWAYS WOKTH WHILK.
rheHEART;J,
WHEAT
A NATION'S BREAKFAST
EVERYWHERE! 1 5c.
If your dealer does not handle,
send 15c stamps for regular sis
package by Parcel Post to
MORGAN MILLING CO.
GOI.DENDALE. WASH,
FREE LESSONS IN
Given With Our Courses In
BOOKKEEPING AND SHORTHAND
by Mall.
STUDY SUCCESSFULLY AT HOME
during; the Winter evenings under
the personal Instruction of our ei
perts and get a practical business
education at little coat
ALL BOOKS AND SUPPLIES
FRL
Write at once for (nil Information
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CENTRAL
COMMERCIAL
COLLEGE
Ontrnl Blda- Portland. Orexnsu
Q LINK'S
F BUSINESS COLLEGE J
lV Portland, Oregon yl
MILITARY
ACADEMY
A Sleet Non-Sectarian Boarding and
Day School for Boys. Military Dis
cipline; Small Classes; Men Teachera
Careful supervision secures result
that are not attained elsewhere. Sead
for catalogue.
821 Marshall Street, rortlsnd. Or.
IN EQUALED VAUDEVILLE, Broadway at Alder, I'orlland.
S Marten-Jewell Troop 5, presenting: "An Event In Club
dom"; Tne Joy Germ, Carl McCulloujfh, "Footlight Im
pressions"; "Outwitted." a playlet In the wilderness, pre
sented by Ronald Bradbury, Edward Hern & Co.;
Hennlngs, Lrwls at Co, "Mixed Drinks" ; Gibson at Dyso, eccentric comedians;
Renrlln and Sister, a bicycle novelty; Pnntsugeaenae, First-Hun Pictures.
r Fish Bite SSsSsOTVo.
nan wun ssngio-ansn-ijiirB, " "
fish bait ever dlaoovered. Keeps yon busr
nulling them out. Write to-day aud get a
i. W. Gregory, Dept. 88 St. Louis, Mr
OlSf KL't Seeds' V!
n a
both flr and resjo-
Ulsjm am on saw ererT-
vain umy are una 4f
ana wpewiaMn scraai-e
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pssL
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