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About The gazette-times. (Heppner, Or.) 1912-1925 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 26, 1914)
4 f SMILE! And The World Smiles With You. t t t A Few Sissor-Made Jokes t From The Papers That 4, Always Have The Best. Coache-l. A young German who wished to be enlisted in the navy, but was unable to speak English, was being coached by an officer. - "Look here, Mike, when the in spector comes to you he will ask you how old you are. And you must say 27 years. 2-7 y-e-a-r-s. Then he will ask you how long you have been in the service. And you tell him three months; three m-o-n-t-h-s. "Ills next question will be, are you provided with food and clothing? And you must say both. B-o-t-h. The following week the inspector came, and, walking up to the Ger man, he said: "Good morning, friend. And how long have you been In the service?" "Twenty-seven years." was the an swer. . "Well, that's funny. I never saw you before. How old are you?" "Three months," replied the Ger man. "Say, what do you think I am a lunatic or a fool?" "Both," boldly answered the Ger man. National Food Magazine. Forcing n Hale. "Have you found a customer for your gramophone yet? "Oh, yes. I played it for twelve hours on end, and all the neighbors clubbed togethand bought it from me." London Opinion. Her Machine. She sat on a bench under one of the older trees, with closed lips drinking in the glories of the setting sun. "Excuse me," he said, lifting his hat with his right hand while he ad dressed her with his left, "but do you happen to have such a thing on you a3 a match? That is my automobile standing there and I find myself without a match to light the lamp." It was obviously but a ruBe to en gage her in conversation, but he was a rather nlce-loking young man, with a three-dolar knitted necktie and all, and she smiled as she told him how sorry she was about having no match. "They all fall for the automobile," he murmured to himself. One thing led to another, and soon ho was sitting beside her chattng gayly about the Latin Quarter, , Shakespeare's latest play, the prev alence of divorce and other absorb ing topics. But soon it really did begin to darken up. "I must go," she said, and, giving him a final smile, she Btrode daintily to the automobile to which he had pointed as his, hopped in and was lost in a cloud of dust, leaving him to refiecct on tho Just deserts which Booner or later must envelop all fourflushers. Exchange. He Knew. Teacher Who knows what trip lets are? Bright Pupil I know, miss; its twins and one left over. Boston Transcript. Painful Publicity. "The streets of New York are a blaze of glory a veritable riot," ex plained the American. "Why, there's one electric sign with 100,000 lights in it." "Doesn't that make it rawther conspicuous, old top?" asked his British friend. Harper's Weekly. Fulfilling Engagements. The Flirt Oh dear, what a lot of people will be unhappy when I get married! The Other Why, how many are you marrying? Exchange. Cause For Worry. "What is Owens worrying about, his debts?" "No; because he is unable to con tract new ones." St. Louis Repub lic. On The Right Track. A seedy-looking man walked slow ly up to the farm house. "Madam," he said to the farmer'B wife, "may I chop some wood for you? I'll do It for nothing." The lady looked at him suspic iously. "Do you be needin' exercise?" she Inquired. "Not exactly, madam. The only thing I require is that you let me sit by the woodpile and paint for a few hours. I am an artist" of the old school and I have been commissioned to do a futurist impression of an aeroplane. I wish to use the wood pile as a model." Chicago News. What The Menu Means. First Customer Waiter, bring me a bottle of Medoc. Second Customer Walter, bring me a bottle of St. Emillon. Third Customer Waiter, bring me a bottle of Pomade. Fourth Customer Walter, bring me"a bottle of Clos-Vougeot. Waiter All right, gentlemen. (To kitchen) Four bottles of red wine. Le Pele-Mele. He Knew Him. Here Is a story attributed to Con- gressman Humphrey which has been enjoyed by the members of the house for several weeks. It runs as fol lows: "Several Washinjitonians were on their way to Philadelphia. In the smoking compartipent of the Pull man they got to niscusing Mark Twain. A stranger appeared to be deeply interested. " 'Who was Mark Twain?' he ask ed. " 'Why, didn't you ever hear of Mark Twain?' asked one member of the party in astonishment. " 'No,' was the reply. " 'Didn't you ever hear of Tom Sawyer?' " 'No' " 'Nor Huckleberry Finn?' ' 'No.' "'Nor Pud'nhead Wilson?' "The stranger's face lighted up with a gleam of Intelligence. " 'Oh, yes; I voted for him.' " Absolute Devotion. "I think that women ought to have the ballot." "Do you really want It?" "They must want it. Some of them are working so ardently for suffrage that they are paying abso lutely no attention to dress." Kan sas City Journal. A Docile Gun. The Dally Chronicle on the latest submarine: "It will also be equipped with a quick-firing gun, which disappears when trie vessel is submerged." This is far the best arrangement; It would never do for it to be left floating where any passer-by could pick It up. Punch. Apprehensive. Wlf Ta-ta, dearie. I shall write before the end of the week. Husband Good gracious, Alice! You must make that check last lon ger that that! London Opinion. TTTttTTTtTTtt TtTTTTTTTT tt PRACTICAL HEALTH HINT. Strengthen the Lungs. The first essential in the avoid mice of tuberculosis of the Iuiiks or consumption Is to keep the lungs strong, so that if the germs nre breathed they can do no harm. One of the most import, tunt things lu keeping the lungs strong is to keep the chest wide open so that the lungs enn be properly used. If the body Is drooped or stoops, or If the shoulders are allowed to drug forward (round shoulders), or If the head Is carried forward In stead of well back over the shoul ders, the chest must be flatten ed, the breathing must be shal low, and the lungs, not being freely used, become weuk. It in. In this type of chest that tuber culosis usually bejjins. The con sumptive is usually narrow chest ed, with drooped shoulders and with the bend craned forward. A CONVENTIONAL CASE. And So the Eager Suitor Decide Not to Be Eccentric A proposal was imminent, nnd the; both knew It. He talked politics for it while, but that topic was soon ex hausted. Finally he reached fur her hand. "Dearest!" She said nothlug. "You know that 1 love you." More sll.u'e. "1 want you to be my little wife." Her silence must have given him a slight chill. He switched off to prac tical talk. "1 get $25 u week, Mabel, and I feel sure that you think well of me. How about it?" The girl looked nt him steadfastly. "George." said she, "1 like you well enough, but I'm going to talk to you frankly. Listen. You wnnt me to marry you on $25 a week. 1 have no Interest In the home. I piny bridge for money. I smoke cigarettes. I require expensive dollies nnd continual excite ment. I can't cook. I won't learn. I know very little that would be useful. Now, under these conditions do you still want me?" The young man smiled indulgently. "Certainly I want you," he answered. "Why should 1 have a wife any differ ent from so many other men's wives?" Philadelphia Record. Outvoted. A. well known surgeon was Impart ing gome clinical Instruction to half a dozen students who accompanied blm in bis rounds. Pausing at the bedside of a doubtful case, he said: "Now, gentlemen, do you think this la or Is not a case for operation?" One by one the students made their diagnosis, and all of them came to the conclusion that it was not ' "Well, gentlemen, you are nil wrong," said the wielder of the scalpel, "and I shall operate tomorrow." "No, you won't!" exclaimed the pa tient as he rose in his bed. "Six to one Is a good mnjorlty. Gimme my clothes."-London Tlt-Blts. Identified. Observing an unfamiliar shrub by a country roadside, a student of botany topped to make an examination. 'Are you acquainted with this flow er, young man?" be asked of a passing yokel. "Yep," the boy laconically answered. "To what family do you think It be longs?" Indicating a nearby bouse with a pudgy thumb, tbe boy answered, "Hig- ginsV-Puck. THE GAZKTTK-TIMES. HEPPNEB, The Foot nnd Mouth Scan Jul. New York Sun: The whole sys tem of federal, state and local cattle inspection has been shown up as use less and ineffective by the spread of foot and mouth disease, now defin ltely established in the herds of 14 widely separated states, and proba bly existing in others. The wide au thority and almost despotic power confined to public officers to protect the population from diseased domes tic cattle, the great sums of money cheerfully contributed by the tax payers for salaries, fees and reim bursements, have been wasted. A disease easily recognized, the spread of which Is possible only through neglect of the simplest pre cautions, has been carried over a ter itory comprising a quarter of the United Siates, within which at least a third of its population lives; it menaces the cattle in every other state, and through them the health of every citizen of the country. - The present duty of the author ities ' is obvious, and they are ap proaching it with some show of intel ligent determination. The future duties of the authorities will be to re organize their inspection services so that such a pestilence can not again spread from the place of its origin or introduction into the country, and to punish the unfaithful or incom petent men responsible for its con temporary prevalence. How much the taxpayers pay for the service that has permitted this disease to run the course it has no body knows. The sum is in the mil lions. It has been paid over by the taxpayers without complaint. But before this subject is disposed of the gentlemen who have been spending it without accomplishing anything are likely to hear some plain talk from those they have betrayed. Facts For The Farmer. No farmer is perfect, but our mis takes can be reduced to a minimum by intelligent reading and Intense thinking. . When the farmer fully realizes just how closely his interests are bound up with those of his neighbor and fellow-farmer, then will farming become a profitable business. The highest duty of the State and Federal governments is to place agri cultural education within the reach of all: The prosperity .of the farmer Is co Incident with the prosperity of the State, and fundamentally, the wel fare of the people depends upon the cultivation of the soli. Government to Help Hog Raisers. The modern method of solving ag ricultural problems by Investigating them, not only in the labratory, but also on the farm in co-operation with the farmer, has given such admirable results that it is to be applied to the anti-hog-cholera crusade. Congress has appropriated a half million dollars to carry on the work and experiments will be made in all parts of the United States. The aim will be not only to exterminate the disease in the test sections, but also to discover the most practical, effi cient and economical methods for continuing the work throughout the country. This investigation will fill a long felt want in Oregon, as the hog death rate in this State from cholera is 20 per 1000 head, and hog raisers are losing an average of 6,000 hogs, val ued at $66,000 from this disease an nually. Oregon Will Send Wheat to Europe. The United States has approxi mately 300,000,000 bushels of wheat on hand this year for export and practically all of it will probably be sold to the warring nations of Eu rope. According to a report issued today by the United States Depart ment 6f Agriculture the wheat pro duction of the United States this year will be around 892,000,000 bushels and only 601,000,000 bushels will be needed for food consumption and seed purposes at home. The per capita wheat consumption of Oregon for food is 6.1 bushels, and the total annual requirement for seed and food purposes In this state is 60, 026,000 bushels, leaving a surplus of production this year of approximate ly 10,578,000. Approved Sale of Timber. The District Forester at "Portland, Oregon, has just approved a sale of 2,267 cords of timber on the Sno qualmle National Forest, to the Moose Shingle Company, of Gold Ba sin, Wash. The timber is situated in Wiscon sin creek, on the Monte Cristo branch of the Northern Pacific Raldroad, and consists of 1,480 cords of west ern red cedar shingle bolt timber, 396 cords of western hemlock, and 391 cords of amabllls fir. The Com pany plans to manufacture the hem lock and fir into box shooks. The stumpage price for the cedar is $1.36 per cord, and for the other species 31 cents per cord. The agreement with the Forest Service allows the Company until December 31, 1915, for the cutting and remov al of the timbmer. FOR SALE One grade yearling fine wool ram; sheared 24 lbs.; price $12.50. Also, two spring Du roc Jersey Boars, ready for service; exceptional prize strain; will register at $15.00 each. See them at my Sagenhurst Farm, 9 miles South of Heppner. B. 11. PECK. tf. ORE, THUtSDAY, NOV. 2rt. 1914 RAIN BY WIRELESS. Wet Weather to Order Is Now the Aim of th. Scientists. Weather control rain ordered for K'dnlght, day after tomorrow may be a wireless victory in the next genera tion Now it is weird and visionary, hut Sir Oliver Lodge, who is in the top rank of living scientists, thinks It not improbable and Is now calling on his fellows to begin wireless studies with this purpose in mind. The more there is discovered about the way wireless telegraphy works the more it Is evl ient that weather and wireless waves are tangled with each other. Almost every , one knows that wire less telegraphy works better by night than by day and has peculiar jumps of efficiency at sunset. A wireless opera tor on shipboard in tbe far north found that during a display of the aurora borenlls the northern lights were widely disturbed when he sent out wireless signals from his ship. The growing theory concerning the way wireless waves follow the curve of tbe earth is lu simple language that the upper layers of the air form a sort of magnetic cushion against which the wireless waves can bound along. Sir Oliver wishes to have experiments made by discharging very powerful wireless waves from kites under all kinds of weather conditions in order to ascertain whether the waves will under any conditions make clouds con dense into rain or prevent them from condensing. It is not to be expected, of course, that rain could be obtained from a dry sky, but normal conditions of the air would leave much opportunity for weather control If the theory should prove workable. Tbe total eclipse of tbe sun on a path from Greenland to Persia next August Is to be made the occasion for elaborate wireless experiments. Wire less signals will be sent out from with in the path of shadow and across tbe shadow, nnd the effect of the shadow on these signals should give more clews to the whole problem. Saturday Evening Post EAGAN, THE BOMB MAN. No One Else on Earth Hai a Job Juet Like This New Yorker. Owen Eagan, as inspector of New York's bureau of combustibles, has opened, analyzed and destroyed over 5,000 bombs lu nineteen years of unin terrupted and dangerous duty. He re ceives a salary of $1,500 a year, and no one has ever offered to succeed blm when he quits. No life insurance com pany will take a risk on him, and If he Is injured while opening a bomb he cannot sue tbe city for damages. There isn't another Job like his in the world. Following Is an extract from an arti cle In the American Magazine: "The "bomb industry' In New York began to be a serious menace ten years ago, but In those days Eagan bad an hour or two to himself. Nowadays bombs are coming so fast he calls up the bureau of combustibles every half hour to let one of the three bosses know where he is. To show the In creasing popularity of Black Hand ex tortion, Engnu handled only thirteen bombs In 1908, while last year there were 145, with a property damage es timated nt $17,430, an increase of ninety-three over 1912. "And every one of the unexploded bombs found is capable of blowing Eagan to smithereens were it not for the care he takes to safeguard his life. Once he has literally picked n bomb apart and has supplied tbe police with working clews be unconsciously finds himself the enemy of the very men who make bombs. Yet, cognizant of that fact he carries no revolver for protection, nnd the only means he uses to elude the vengeful Is to keep bis whereabouts secret You won't find his name, nddress or telephone number In any directory, and long ogo he dis carded the use of mail boxes." Army and Navy of Latin America, The combined army nnd navy strength of the Latin American repub lics is: Army, Including total available strength, 3,500,000; navy. Including all kinds of craft, eighty-four vessels, with personnel of 27,000 officers and men. Of this naval strength all that amounts to anything are the nine modern (but not first class) battleships Argentina three, Brazil three and Chill three. Mexico has practically no navy. The total possible war strength of the Unit ed States Is probably around 15,000,- 000. New York American. Revival of the Mustache. Is the mustache coming Into fashion again? Five of this year's rowing crew for Oxford university wore deco rations on the upper Up. Cambridge had only one example. That, however, makes six out of eighteen, an unusual average today among men who are not long out of their "teens." About per cent of the male population in England nre today clean shaven, while the mnjorlty of the others do not shave at all. Exchange. Baseball Lingo. Some day when he doesu't happen to linve more than four or five visitors, if that time ever comes, we are going to sit quietly down with our talented sporting editor and nsk him for our own Information why n baseball player always spears the pill with his right fin Instead of catching the ball with his right hand. Ohio State Journal. An Exoiting Ride. An English racing automobile at Brooklnnds burst a tire while running 119 miles nn hour, skidded sldewlse eighty yards, looped three loops back ward nnd brought up in plowed ground just off the track with all bands safe. AI EXTRA FANCY GOOD KEEPERS Rome Beauty, Winesap, Johna than and Yellow Newtowns Right now is the time to come in and buy your supply for the winter. We also have the famous Netted Gem Potatoes the kind they use on the dining cars Come in and buy a few sacks and see how good they are. If you are thinking about "good eats" just think "Sam Hughes" that's the place to find what you want in groceries. SAM HUGHES CO. HEPPNER WOOD YARD L E. BEEMAN, Prop. Dealer In Wood and Coal Leave orders with Slocum Drug Co. or phone Main 60. I f ACE) 1. L. VrluLl CALLS ANSWERED DAY OR NIGHT. I WILL GIVE $1000 IF I FAIL TO CURE any CANCER or TUMOR I trtst Mori It POISONS tai finds wiHkim ti taw Without Knif tor Pain No PAY Until Cured No X Ray or other swindle. An island plnnt make? the cure WRITTEN GUARANTEE A Tumor. Lump on Sore on the lip, face or body 6 months ia Cancer and never pain s until l;?t stage 120-PAGE BOOK sent FREE, 10.0f0 testi monials, Writ, ti sum A LUMP IN WOMAN'S BREAST Is CANCER and if neglected it alwnys poisons deep ghuulsin the ami pit and KILLS QUICKLY Vcor cured at half price if cancer is yit small DR. & MRS. CHAMLEY & C0.E$S ' Strictly RjliaWe, Graatist Cinotr Specialist living" AE434&436 Valencia St, San Francisco, Cal. KINDLY MAIL THIS to someone with CANCER RED FRONT Livery & Feed Stables WILLIS STEWART, Proprietor. First Qass Livery Rigs kept constantly on hand and can be furnished on short no tice to parties desiring to drive into the interior. First class Hacks and Buggies Call around and see us. We cater to the Commercial Travel ers and Camping Parties and can furnish rigs and driv er on short notice. HEPPNER - - - OREGON RAMS FOR SALE I have Lin coln and Shropshire. Both lambs and yearlings. C. A. MINOR. The Portland Evening Telegram and The Gazette-Times $4.50. PAGE THREB Funeral Director arJ FmKalmer FREE FREE Memoirs of Napoleon In Three Volumes This man caused the last general European war. His personal memoirs, written by his secretary, Baron De Meneval, are full of the most absorbing incidents, especially in view of the present great Euro pean struggle. Just a hundred years ago, his ambi tions bathed the Continent in a sea of blood. France alone, under his leader ship, fought Germany, Russia, Austria, Italy, and Great Britain and won. Get these Memoirs Free By special arrangement with the pub lishers of COLLIER'S, The National Weekly, we are enabled to offer a lim ited number of these three-volume sets of the Memoirs of Napoleon free with a year's subscription to Collier's and this paper. The offer is strictly limited to get advantage of it you must act promptly. Sherlock Holmes Stories Exclusively in Collier's Alt the Sherlock Helmet itoriei published In 1915 will be pttnted eiclusivetr in Cul'ier'i. 1 he "Last-minule" picture! of the Furopcan War will appear every week in the photographic aection of Collier'a. The fiueat fiction written will appear each week In abort atory and aerial form. Mark Sullivan'a timely Editoriala and widely Quoted Commenta on Cungre will continue lu be an exclusive feature. Special Offer to our Readers Your own tvune paper and COI.MER S, The National Weekly, together with the thiee volume) of Napoleon's Memoirs-all of these you get foi Hie price of Collier's alone, plus SOe to cover the cost of packing and shipping the Memoirs. Send your order to this office now. If you art already a subscriber, your subscription will bee, tended for one yeat from Its present date ut eipiration. COLLIER'S $3.50 f Special combination J price, including the Gazette-Times - $1.50 I Memoiis.pos.pai t
