4
f
SMILE!
And The World Smiles With You.
t t
t A Few Sissor-Made Jokes
t From The Papers That
4,
Always Have The Best.
Coache-l.
A young German who wished to be
enlisted in the navy, but was unable
to speak English, was being coached
by an officer.
- "Look here, Mike, when the in
spector comes to you he will ask you
how old you are. And you must say
27 years. 2-7 y-e-a-r-s. Then he
will ask you how long you have been
in the service. And you tell him
three months; three m-o-n-t-h-s.
"Ills next question will be, are you
provided with food and clothing?
And you must say both. B-o-t-h.
The following week the inspector
came, and, walking up to the Ger
man, he said:
"Good morning, friend. And how
long have you been In the service?"
"Twenty-seven years." was the an
swer. .
"Well, that's funny. I never saw
you before. How old are you?"
"Three months," replied the Ger
man.
"Say, what do you think I am a
lunatic or a fool?"
"Both," boldly answered the Ger
man. National Food Magazine.
Forcing n Hale.
"Have you found a customer for
your gramophone yet?
"Oh, yes. I played it for twelve
hours on end, and all the neighbors
clubbed togethand bought it from
me." London Opinion.
Her Machine.
She sat on a bench under one of
the older trees, with closed lips
drinking in the glories of the setting
sun.
"Excuse me," he said, lifting his
hat with his right hand while he ad
dressed her with his left, "but do you
happen to have such a thing on you
a3 a match? That is my automobile
standing there and I find myself
without a match to light the lamp."
It was obviously but a ruBe to en
gage her in conversation, but he was
a rather nlce-loking young man, with
a three-dolar knitted necktie and all,
and she smiled as she told him how
sorry she was about having no match.
"They all fall for the automobile,"
he murmured to himself.
One thing led to another, and soon
ho was sitting beside her chattng
gayly about the Latin Quarter,
, Shakespeare's latest play, the prev
alence of divorce and other absorb
ing topics. But soon it really did
begin to darken up.
"I must go," she said, and, giving
him a final smile, she Btrode daintily
to the automobile to which he had
pointed as his, hopped in and was
lost in a cloud of dust, leaving him to
refiecct on tho Just deserts which
Booner or later must envelop all
fourflushers. Exchange.
He Knew.
Teacher Who knows what trip
lets are?
Bright Pupil I know, miss; its
twins and one left over. Boston
Transcript.
Painful Publicity.
"The streets of New York are a
blaze of glory a veritable riot," ex
plained the American. "Why, there's
one electric sign with 100,000 lights
in it."
"Doesn't that make it rawther
conspicuous, old top?" asked his
British friend. Harper's Weekly.
Fulfilling Engagements.
The Flirt Oh dear, what a lot of
people will be unhappy when I get
married!
The Other Why, how many are
you marrying? Exchange.
Cause For Worry.
"What is Owens worrying about,
his debts?"
"No; because he is unable to con
tract new ones." St. Louis Repub
lic. On The Right Track.
A seedy-looking man walked slow
ly up to the farm house.
"Madam," he said to the farmer'B
wife, "may I chop some wood for
you? I'll do It for nothing."
The lady looked at him suspic
iously. "Do you be needin' exercise?"
she Inquired.
"Not exactly, madam. The only
thing I require is that you let me sit
by the woodpile and paint for a few
hours. I am an artist" of the old
school and I have been commissioned
to do a futurist impression of an
aeroplane. I wish to use the wood
pile as a model." Chicago News.
What The Menu Means.
First Customer Waiter, bring me
a bottle of Medoc.
Second Customer Walter, bring
me a bottle of St. Emillon.
Third Customer Waiter, bring
me a bottle of Pomade.
Fourth Customer Walter, bring
me"a bottle of Clos-Vougeot.
Waiter All right, gentlemen. (To
kitchen) Four bottles of red wine.
Le Pele-Mele.
He Knew Him.
Here Is a story attributed to Con-
gressman Humphrey which has been
enjoyed by the members of the house
for several weeks. It runs as fol
lows: "Several Washinjitonians were on
their way to Philadelphia. In the
smoking compartipent of the Pull
man they got to niscusing Mark
Twain. A stranger appeared to be
deeply interested.
" 'Who was Mark Twain?' he ask
ed.
" 'Why, didn't you ever hear of
Mark Twain?'
asked one member of the party in
astonishment.
" 'No,' was the reply.
" 'Didn't you ever hear of Tom
Sawyer?'
" 'No'
" 'Nor Huckleberry Finn?'
' 'No.'
"'Nor Pud'nhead Wilson?'
"The stranger's face lighted up
with a gleam of Intelligence.
" 'Oh, yes; I voted for him.' "
Absolute Devotion.
"I think that women ought to have
the ballot."
"Do you really want It?"
"They must want it. Some of
them are working so ardently for
suffrage that they are paying abso
lutely no attention to dress." Kan
sas City Journal.
A Docile Gun.
The Dally Chronicle on the latest
submarine:
"It will also be equipped with a
quick-firing gun, which disappears
when trie vessel is submerged."
This is far the best arrangement;
It would never do for it to be left
floating where any passer-by could
pick It up. Punch.
Apprehensive.
Wlf Ta-ta, dearie. I shall write
before the end of the week.
Husband Good gracious, Alice!
You must make that check last lon
ger that that! London Opinion.
TTTttTTTtTTtt TtTTTTTTTT tt
PRACTICAL HEALTH HINT.
Strengthen the Lungs.
The first essential in the avoid
mice of tuberculosis of the Iuiiks
or consumption Is to keep the
lungs strong, so that if the germs
nre breathed they can do no
harm. One of the most import,
tunt things lu keeping the lungs
strong is to keep the chest wide
open so that the lungs enn be
properly used. If the body Is
drooped or stoops, or If the
shoulders are allowed to drug
forward (round shoulders), or If
the head Is carried forward In
stead of well back over the shoul
ders, the chest must be flatten
ed, the breathing must be shal
low, and the lungs, not being
freely used, become weuk. It in.
In this type of chest that tuber
culosis usually bejjins. The con
sumptive is usually narrow chest
ed, with drooped shoulders and
with the bend craned forward.
A CONVENTIONAL CASE.
And So the Eager Suitor Decide Not
to Be Eccentric
A proposal was imminent, nnd the;
both knew It. He talked politics for
it while, but that topic was soon ex
hausted. Finally he reached fur her
hand.
"Dearest!"
She said nothlug.
"You know that 1 love you."
More sll.u'e.
"1 want you to be my little wife."
Her silence must have given him a
slight chill. He switched off to prac
tical talk.
"1 get $25 u week, Mabel, and I feel
sure that you think well of me. How
about it?"
The girl looked nt him steadfastly.
"George." said she, "1 like you well
enough, but I'm going to talk to you
frankly. Listen. You wnnt me to
marry you on $25 a week. 1 have no
Interest In the home. I piny bridge for
money. I smoke cigarettes. I require
expensive dollies nnd continual excite
ment. I can't cook. I won't learn. I
know very little that would be useful.
Now, under these conditions do you
still want me?"
The young man smiled indulgently.
"Certainly I want you," he answered.
"Why should 1 have a wife any differ
ent from so many other men's wives?"
Philadelphia Record.
Outvoted.
A. well known surgeon was Impart
ing gome clinical Instruction to half
a dozen students who accompanied
blm in bis rounds.
Pausing at the bedside of a doubtful
case, he said:
"Now, gentlemen, do you think this
la or Is not a case for operation?"
One by one the students made their
diagnosis, and all of them came to the
conclusion that it was not
' "Well, gentlemen, you are nil wrong,"
said the wielder of the scalpel, "and
I shall operate tomorrow."
"No, you won't!" exclaimed the pa
tient as he rose in his bed. "Six to
one Is a good mnjorlty. Gimme my
clothes."-London Tlt-Blts.
Identified.
Observing an unfamiliar shrub by a
country roadside, a student of botany
topped to make an examination.
'Are you acquainted with this flow
er, young man?" be asked of a passing
yokel.
"Yep," the boy laconically answered.
"To what family do you think It be
longs?" Indicating a nearby bouse with a
pudgy thumb, tbe boy answered, "Hig-
ginsV-Puck.
THE GAZKTTK-TIMES. HEPPNEB,
The Foot nnd Mouth Scan Jul.
New York Sun: The whole sys
tem of federal, state and local cattle
inspection has been shown up as use
less and ineffective by the spread of
foot and mouth disease, now defin
ltely established in the herds of 14
widely separated states, and proba
bly existing in others. The wide au
thority and almost despotic power
confined to public officers to protect
the population from diseased domes
tic cattle, the great sums of money
cheerfully contributed by the tax
payers for salaries, fees and reim
bursements, have been wasted.
A disease easily recognized, the
spread of which Is possible only
through neglect of the simplest pre
cautions, has been carried over a ter
itory comprising a quarter of the
United Siates, within which at least
a third of its population lives; it
menaces the cattle in every other
state, and through them the health
of every citizen of the country. -
The present duty of the author
ities ' is obvious, and they are ap
proaching it with some show of intel
ligent determination. The future
duties of the authorities will be to re
organize their inspection services so
that such a pestilence can not again
spread from the place of its origin
or introduction into the country, and
to punish the unfaithful or incom
petent men responsible for its con
temporary prevalence.
How much the taxpayers pay for
the service that has permitted this
disease to run the course it has no
body knows. The sum is in the mil
lions. It has been paid over by the
taxpayers without complaint. But
before this subject is disposed of the
gentlemen who have been spending it
without accomplishing anything are
likely to hear some plain talk from
those they have betrayed.
Facts For The Farmer.
No farmer is perfect, but our mis
takes can be reduced to a minimum
by intelligent reading and Intense
thinking. .
When the farmer fully realizes
just how closely his interests are
bound up with those of his neighbor
and fellow-farmer, then will farming
become a profitable business.
The highest duty of the State and
Federal governments is to place agri
cultural education within the reach
of all:
The prosperity .of the farmer Is co
Incident with the prosperity of the
State, and fundamentally, the wel
fare of the people depends upon the
cultivation of the soli.
Government to Help Hog Raisers.
The modern method of solving ag
ricultural problems by Investigating
them, not only in the labratory, but
also on the farm in co-operation with
the farmer, has given such admirable
results that it is to be applied to the
anti-hog-cholera crusade.
Congress has appropriated a half
million dollars to carry on the work
and experiments will be made in all
parts of the United States. The aim
will be not only to exterminate the
disease in the test sections, but also
to discover the most practical, effi
cient and economical methods for
continuing the work throughout the
country.
This investigation will fill a long
felt want in Oregon, as the hog death
rate in this State from cholera is 20
per 1000 head, and hog raisers are
losing an average of 6,000 hogs, val
ued at $66,000 from this disease an
nually. Oregon Will Send Wheat to Europe.
The United States has approxi
mately 300,000,000 bushels of wheat
on hand this year for export and
practically all of it will probably be
sold to the warring nations of Eu
rope. According to a report issued
today by the United States Depart
ment 6f Agriculture the wheat pro
duction of the United States this year
will be around 892,000,000 bushels
and only 601,000,000 bushels will be
needed for food consumption and
seed purposes at home.
The per capita wheat consumption
of Oregon for food is 6.1 bushels, and
the total annual requirement for seed
and food purposes In this state is 60,
026,000 bushels, leaving a surplus of
production this year of approximate
ly 10,578,000.
Approved Sale of Timber.
The District Forester at "Portland,
Oregon, has just approved a sale of
2,267 cords of timber on the Sno
qualmle National Forest, to the
Moose Shingle Company, of Gold Ba
sin, Wash.
The timber is situated in Wiscon
sin creek, on the Monte Cristo branch
of the Northern Pacific Raldroad,
and consists of 1,480 cords of west
ern red cedar shingle bolt timber,
396 cords of western hemlock, and
391 cords of amabllls fir. The Com
pany plans to manufacture the hem
lock and fir into box shooks.
The stumpage price for the cedar
is $1.36 per cord, and for the other
species 31 cents per cord. The
agreement with the Forest Service
allows the Company until December
31, 1915, for the cutting and remov
al of the timbmer.
FOR SALE One grade yearling
fine wool ram; sheared 24 lbs.;
price $12.50. Also, two spring Du
roc Jersey Boars, ready for service;
exceptional prize strain; will register
at $15.00 each. See them at my
Sagenhurst Farm, 9 miles South of
Heppner. B. 11. PECK.
tf.
ORE, THUtSDAY, NOV. 2rt. 1914
RAIN BY WIRELESS.
Wet Weather to Order Is Now the Aim
of th. Scientists.
Weather control rain ordered for
K'dnlght, day after tomorrow may be
a wireless victory in the next genera
tion Now it is weird and visionary,
hut Sir Oliver Lodge, who is in the top
rank of living scientists, thinks It not
improbable and Is now calling on his
fellows to begin wireless studies with
this purpose in mind. The more there
is discovered about the way wireless
telegraphy works the more it Is evl
ient that weather and wireless waves
are tangled with each other.
Almost every , one knows that wire
less telegraphy works better by night
than by day and has peculiar jumps of
efficiency at sunset. A wireless opera
tor on shipboard in tbe far north
found that during a display of the
aurora borenlls the northern lights
were widely disturbed when he sent
out wireless signals from his ship.
The growing theory concerning the
way wireless waves follow the curve
of tbe earth is lu simple language that
the upper layers of the air form a sort
of magnetic cushion against which the
wireless waves can bound along. Sir
Oliver wishes to have experiments
made by discharging very powerful
wireless waves from kites under all
kinds of weather conditions in order
to ascertain whether the waves will
under any conditions make clouds con
dense into rain or prevent them from
condensing.
It is not to be expected, of course,
that rain could be obtained from a dry
sky, but normal conditions of the air
would leave much opportunity for
weather control If the theory should
prove workable.
Tbe total eclipse of tbe sun on a
path from Greenland to Persia next
August Is to be made the occasion for
elaborate wireless experiments. Wire
less signals will be sent out from with
in the path of shadow and across tbe
shadow, nnd the effect of the shadow
on these signals should give more
clews to the whole problem. Saturday
Evening Post
EAGAN, THE BOMB MAN.
No One Else on Earth Hai a Job Juet
Like This New Yorker.
Owen Eagan, as inspector of New
York's bureau of combustibles, has
opened, analyzed and destroyed over
5,000 bombs lu nineteen years of unin
terrupted and dangerous duty. He re
ceives a salary of $1,500 a year, and
no one has ever offered to succeed blm
when he quits. No life insurance com
pany will take a risk on him, and If he
Is injured while opening a bomb he
cannot sue tbe city for damages. There
isn't another Job like his in the world.
Following Is an extract from an arti
cle In the American Magazine:
"The "bomb industry' In New York
began to be a serious menace ten years
ago, but In those days Eagan bad an
hour or two to himself. Nowadays
bombs are coming so fast he calls up
the bureau of combustibles every half
hour to let one of the three bosses
know where he is. To show the In
creasing popularity of Black Hand ex
tortion, Engnu handled only thirteen
bombs In 1908, while last year there
were 145, with a property damage es
timated nt $17,430, an increase of ninety-three
over 1912.
"And every one of the unexploded
bombs found is capable of blowing
Eagan to smithereens were it not for
the care he takes to safeguard his life.
Once he has literally picked n bomb
apart and has supplied tbe police with
working clews be unconsciously finds
himself the enemy of the very men
who make bombs. Yet, cognizant of
that fact he carries no revolver for
protection, nnd the only means he uses
to elude the vengeful Is to keep bis
whereabouts secret You won't find
his name, nddress or telephone number
In any directory, and long ogo he dis
carded the use of mail boxes."
Army and Navy of Latin America,
The combined army nnd navy
strength of the Latin American repub
lics is: Army, Including total available
strength, 3,500,000; navy. Including all
kinds of craft, eighty-four vessels, with
personnel of 27,000 officers and men.
Of this naval strength all that amounts
to anything are the nine modern (but
not first class) battleships Argentina
three, Brazil three and Chill three.
Mexico has practically no navy. The
total possible war strength of the Unit
ed States Is probably around 15,000,-
000. New York American.
Revival of the Mustache.
Is the mustache coming Into fashion
again? Five of this year's rowing
crew for Oxford university wore deco
rations on the upper Up. Cambridge
had only one example. That, however,
makes six out of eighteen, an unusual
average today among men who are
not long out of their "teens." About
per cent of the male population in
England nre today clean shaven, while
the mnjorlty of the others do not shave
at all. Exchange.
Baseball Lingo.
Some day when he doesu't happen to
linve more than four or five visitors, if
that time ever comes, we are going to
sit quietly down with our talented
sporting editor and nsk him for our
own Information why n baseball player
always spears the pill with his right
fin Instead of catching the ball with
his right hand. Ohio State Journal.
An Exoiting Ride.
An English racing automobile at
Brooklnnds burst a tire while running
119 miles nn hour, skidded sldewlse
eighty yards, looped three loops back
ward nnd brought up in plowed ground
just off the track with all bands safe.
AI
EXTRA FANCY GOOD KEEPERS
Rome Beauty, Winesap, Johna
than and Yellow Newtowns
Right now is the time to come in and buy your
supply for the winter.
We also have the famous
Netted Gem Potatoes
the kind they use on the dining cars
Come in and buy a few sacks and see how good
they are.
If you are thinking about "good eats" just think
"Sam Hughes" that's the place to find
what you want in groceries.
SAM HUGHES CO.
HEPPNER WOOD YARD
L E. BEEMAN, Prop.
Dealer In
Wood and Coal
Leave orders with Slocum Drug Co. or phone Main 60.
I f ACE)
1. L. VrluLl
CALLS ANSWERED DAY OR NIGHT.
I WILL GIVE $1000
IF I FAIL TO CURE any CANCER or TUMOR
I trtst Mori It POISONS tai finds wiHkim ti taw
Without Knif tor Pain
No PAY Until Cured
No X Ray or other
swindle. An island
plnnt make? the cure
WRITTEN GUARANTEE
A Tumor. Lump on
Sore on the lip, face
or body 6 months ia
Cancer and never
pain s until l;?t stage
120-PAGE BOOK sent
FREE, 10.0f0 testi
monials, Writ, ti sum
A LUMP IN WOMAN'S BREAST
Is CANCER and if neglected it alwnys poisons
deep ghuulsin the ami pit and KILLS QUICKLY
Vcor cured at half price if cancer is yit small
DR. & MRS. CHAMLEY & C0.E$S
' Strictly RjliaWe, Graatist Cinotr Specialist living"
AE434&436 Valencia St, San Francisco, Cal.
KINDLY MAIL THIS to someone with CANCER
RED FRONT
Livery & Feed
Stables
WILLIS STEWART, Proprietor.
First Qass Livery Rigs
kept constantly on hand and
can be furnished on short no
tice to parties desiring to drive
into the interior. First class
Hacks and Buggies
Call around and see us.
We cater to the
Commercial Travel
ers and Camping
Parties
and can furnish rigs and driv
er on short notice.
HEPPNER - - - OREGON
RAMS FOR SALE I have Lin
coln and Shropshire. Both lambs
and yearlings. C. A. MINOR.
The Portland Evening Telegram
and The Gazette-Times $4.50.
PAGE THREB
Funeral Director
arJ FmKalmer
FREE
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In Three Volumes
This man caused the last
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His personal memoirs, written
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