The gazette-times., November 05, 1914, HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION, Page 16, Image 22

as
HOME AXD FABM MAGAZINE SECTION1
Stories With a Smile
Couldn't Re Trusted.
THERE is a certain Ohio Judge
whose wit has enlivened many a
dull rase. On one occasion coun
sel made in his court this statement
on behalf of a plaintiff of somewhat
bibulous appearance:
"My client, Your Honor, Is a most
remarkable ' man and holds a very
responsible position; he Is manager
of a waterworks."
After a surrey of the client. His
Honor replied:
"Yes, he looks like a man who
could be trusted with any amount of
water."
The Difference.
A story is told of an an Irish sailor
wno decided to walk from Newport
to Cardiff. He met a cart driver and
asked:
"How far is It from Newport to
i;artnrf7"
"Thankee," said Pat. "An' how
far is it from Cardiff to Newnort?"
Driver Didn't I ask you how far
It was from Newport to Cardiff? Do
you suppose it is any further the
otner way back?
Irishman Sure, and I don't know.
I know it is a great deal farther
from New Year's Dav to Christmas
than from Christmas to New Year's
Day.
Mutual Expectations.
A notoriously close-fisted man was
taking his golfing holiday in Scot
land, and had, by hard bargaining.
managed to secure the exclusive ser
vices of a first-class caddie, who was
known to be a very good player.
"Mind, now," said the ambitious
southerner, "I expect to receive some
really good tips from you during my
stay here, you understand?"
"Aye," replied the Scotsman, hitch
ing up the heavy bag, "an' Ah'm ex
pectin' the like frae ye, ye ken."
GOING EAST or
COMING WEST
We can Sate you Money
Sedueed rate on Household Goods, Pianos,
intomobilee, eta. Throngh consolidated ears
tutoring prompt deUTers- tad earefmJ
Bates and Information fnrnlsbed on raqout
Pacific Coast Forwarding Company
201 Wik BuUdini. Portias J Oram
BORROW THIS CAR
FOR A YEAR
A full year's use at practically
no cost perhaps you're never
thought of I In this war before,
but it's fact nevertheless that
today yon ean bay a re built Win
ton and after using it for a foil
season sell it without a eent of de
preciation. It's like borrowing a car from
your friend for a year and return
ing it to him alter using it for 865
days.
Every tradedln Wlnton Six
many of them come to ua In part
payment on new models each year
is given a thorough overhauling
in the Winton shops and brought
DP to the regular Winton standard
fine six-cylinder self cranking
automobiles.
These In turn are disposed ot
to our rapidly Increased list of
"used" ear customers at exactly
the price allowed for them when
taken in exchange.
In this way the buyer Is able to
pick up Winton Six at about
half the cost of the same ear new
end is fully proterted by the com
pany's guarantee that It will giT,
the satisfaction for which Winton
Sixes are famed. Let us send yon
today our latest complete bargain
list
THE WINTON MOTOR CAE CO.
Portland, Oregon.
Seattle, Wash. Spokane, Wash.
Not Well Informed.
An amusing Incident la told by
Dr. Henry Coward of Ms early days
in Sheffield concerning a quartette
which he organized in a warehouse.
Anxious to make money, he ap
proached a showman who was visit
ing the place and suggested to him
that a party of singers would be a
decided attraction to his show.
"Kin ye sing?" asked the show
man. "Yes, sir, very welL" "Have
ye dress suits? Them's necessary."
"Yes, sir." "How much will it cost
for such an engagement?" "Five
shillings each per night I think will
do it," he replied.
"I know," said the entertainer,
"but how much will it cost? How
many are ye in this 'ere quartette?"
Hats Off, Boys.
Gebhard von Blucher, the famous
Prussian Eeneral field marshal, had
as surgeon-major of his army a man
who was very homely, but extremely
proud and vain.
One day, says Novellen-Schatz,
Blucher entered the surgeon's tent
and found him standing before a
looking glass arranging his toilet and
admiring himself generally.
"Doctor," said Blutcher, laughing,
"I suppose that you are the luckiest
man in the world."
"How's that, sir, may I ask?"
"Why, here you are quite in love
with yourself, and you haven't a
single rival!"
Advice to Agent9.
"Now a few words about selling
this dictionary. A young woman will
open the door a few inches."
"Yes."
"When she learns you are a book
agent she will try to close it."
"Well?';
"At this point you insert the dic
tionary." His Stock in Trade.
The nervous little man next to the
car window sized up the fat man who
shared the seat with him and ven
tured the inquiry:
"How's business?"
"Can't complain," said the other
laconically.
"What do you deal in?"
"Mothers-in-law, billy goats, the
weather, slit skirts, tramps, stranded
actors, candidates, politics and the
like."
'Whattyye tryin' to do?" snarled
the nervous tittle man. "Tryin' to
kid me?"
"Nope," the fat man grinned. "The
things I have named in a large meas
ure comprise my stock in trade. You
see, my dear sir, I am a professional
writer of jokes and anecdotes."
Right in the First Place.
Mrs. Mason's negro washerwoman,
Martha, was complaining of her hus
band's health. . "Why, is he sick.
Martha?" asked Mrs. Mason.
"He's very po'ly, mum, very po'ly,"
answered the woman. "He's got the
exclamatory rheumatism."
"You mean inflammatory, Mar
tha," said the patron. "Exclamatory
means to cry out."
"Yas'm," replied Martha, with
conviction. "Dat's what It is. He
hollers all de time."
Would Have Been Suicide,
"I am glad to find you better,"
said a physician to a famous come
dian upon paying him a professional
visit one morning. "You followed
my prescription, of course?"
"Indeed, I did not, doctor," retort
ed the sick man, "or I Bhould have
broken my neck."
"Broken your neck!" exclaimed
the doctor.
"Yes," said the other, "for I threw
your prescription out of the window."
A Useful Marksman.
PAT was a young recruit and was
undergoing his first course In
musketry. The soldiers had fin
ished firing and Fat was taken be
fore the officer for his bad shooting.
"Now, Pat, you fire at No. 5 tar
get"
Fat banged away and waited.
which showed he had hit No. 4 tar
get the possible number of rounds,
but had not hit No. 5 target once.
"What target did you aim at?"
asked the officer.
"No. 5, sir," answered Pai
"And have hit No. 4 every time."
"Bedad, sorr," retorted Pat, "it
would be a grand thing in war. Sure,
I might aim at a private and hit a
general."
In the Balance
"Give me two seats In the bal
ance," said a man, stepping up to
the box office window the other
afternoon.
"In the what?" asked the ticket
seller, fearing that she had misun
derstood. "I said I wanted two seats In the
balance."
The ticket seller racked her brain
trying to solve the puzzle, and final
ly, giving up, she asked the man to
explain just what he wanted.
"On this sign out here it says, bal
cony 25 cents for the first three rows.
It says balance 15 cents. I want two
in the balance."
Then the ticket seller understood.
New Glove
SPECIAL
$1.35
Mailed Postpaid on
receipt of price,
Having oar orders placed be
fore the outbreak ot tb
European War raised the
prices of cloves makes this
price possible. A variety of
styles and colors to choose
from two clean, over seam (Him;
Pique Lamb with self or contract
ing wide embroidery, SneUata Cap
In new shades of Tan and on clasp
rename Arabian Mocha. Picked
in Holiday boxes U desired.
Send for new catalog
of Glove, Hosierg
and Umbrella
fennom
C. P. BERO. tUKMD
509 Morrison Street
Portland, Oregon
3
x
t ii i ii i
r i i i
KING OF THE WOODS". DRAB SAW
With or Without Bun Saw Attachment
Will saw 20 to 40 cords ot wood per day it a cost of
$1.00. PULLS ITSELF up the steepest HILL and
over the roughest ground. Costs less than other males.
Une man writes he sawed 50 ncu m IU hours.
Another sawed 40 cords in 9 horns. There's
more you ought to know. Write lor FREE cat
slog containing full description with testimonials!
from enthusiastic users. WW IE. IUUAI,
IT PAYS TO DUY A
GOOD PIANO
Cheap prices and special inducements should not influence the 1
Piano buyer. . -
We carry all grades of Pianos from $250.00 to $2,300.00, hut
only makes in which we have confidence nd which we can recom
mend. Our Pianos from $250.00 to $375.00 include several makes
which are positively the best Pianos manufactured to sell at these
prices the lowest prices at which good dependable Pianos can
be sold.
We carry only one line of Player Pianos; that of the Aeolian
Company, makers of the world famous Pianolas. The Pianola is
furnished in six different makeB of Pianos. ,
Write TJs for Catalogues and Prices.
Sherman. Hay & Go.
Bteinway, Weber and Other Pianos, Pianolas, Victrolaa,
and all the Records.
PORTLAND, OEBQON.
LIFB
HEALTH
ACCIDENT
Fhona Main ITM
One Policy
POM BINATION
VONTRA0T
3-1
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CUt this Coupon and mail to tha
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bllf atlon iaourred.
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Ottrayatioai
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INSURANCE 00.
HOME OFFICE SEATTLE, U. 8. A.
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