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About The gazette-times. (Heppner, Or.) 1912-1925 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 1, 1914)
36 IKXME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION Stories With a Smile Schoolboy Answers. 14 TEACHER in one of our publie schools gives a couple of ex amples whieh indicate the neces sity for her being on the job. "What is the equator!" she asked of little Peter Ford, whose know! edge of physical geography was well known throughout the school. "The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth," answered the lad, thereby establishing forever his claim to fame. "What boy will give me an example of an imperative sentence I inquired tlio teacher. "I will," spoke up Matty New, "John, throw the horse over the fenee some hay. ' ' Tlain to Him. Among those visiting an art exhibi tion held recently in San Antonio was an old German, who wandered about looking at the paintings with inter est. Finally he stopped before a por trait which showed a man sitting in a high-backed chair. Tacked to the frame was a email white placard read ing: "A Portrait of J. P. Jones, by Himself." The aged Teuton read the eard and then chuckled sarcastically: "Vot fools is dese art beoplee," be mattered. "Anybody dot looks at dot picture vould know dot Jones is by himself. Nobody else is in der pic ture. Making the Test A barber in a downtown shop, hav ing beea out late the night before, bad a shaky hand the next morning and ent a patron's cheek four times. After each accident the barber said, as he sponged away the blood: "Oh, dear me, how careless! The patron took all these gashes in grave silence. But when the shave wag over be filled a glass at the water cooler, took a mouthful of wa ter, and, with compressed lips, pro ceeded to shake his head from aide to side. "What is the mattert" the barber asked. "You ain't got the toothache, have you J" "No," said the customer. "I only wanted to Bee if my mouth would still hold water without leaking." What He Didn't Understand. A colored man who runs a prosper ous truck farm in a Southern state was purchasing various articles at a shop in Atlanta, when the proprie tor ventured to suggest that he need ed a .barometer. An instrument was shown and the darky was treated to a long statement about indications and pressures and other things. Finally he interrupted the shopkeeper with: "Look heah, boss. I understands 'bout all dat. What I wants to know is, how do you set de thing when you wants it to raint" m Changing Around. Neighbor Every time you feed your dog be brings the bones over and gnaws them on my premises. Isn't there some way to stop itl Owner Suppose you feed him here after, and then he will probably bring them over and gnaw them on my premises. . On the Captain'a Deck. It is hard to imagine the skipper of a British man of war sleeping on the deck of his ship between a couple of his stokers, but this has happened in the American navy. It happened off Santiago during the bloekade in Commodore Schley's flag ship, Brooklyn. No lights were al lowed to be shown from the ships at night, andy as this meant all port holes shut, the temperature below decks was unbearable. Every man who could slept on deck, the skipper among them. This officer laid himself down one night on his quarter deck to snateh a few hours' rest. He was awakened in the dawn, says the Mirror, by hear ing a sleepy voice next to him mur n.ur to a companion: "Darned if it ain't the cap'n!" And, opening his eyes, he saw two of his stokers rise up suddenly from his side and dis appear swiftly for'ard. How Oould He KnowT "King Lear is a great character,'1 remarked the friend. . "Tea, " answered the actor. "I sup pose yon remember my performance last season t "No, I must confess I have never seen yon in the partt "Indeed!" was the rejoinder in a tone of gentle surprise. "Then how on earth did yon know it was a groat character " Realistic Petted Daughter They askod me to play at Mrs. Highup s this evening, and I did; but " Fond Mother (proudly) Were not they entranced! Petted Daughter Hum! When I played "A Life on the Ocean Wave" with variations, half of them loft the room. Fond Mother (ecstatically) That is wonderful! They must have felt sea sick. Easily Done. They had been making hay while the sun shone, and when they had finished a high haystack the farmer 's boy shout ed from the top: "Say, mister, how am I going to get down!" The farmer considered the problem and finally solved it: ' "Oh, jest shet yer eyes an' walk around a bit" Couldn't Fool Him. The chump bad bought a pair of shoes in the city shop. "Now, can't I sell you a pair of shoe trees!" Bug gested the clerk. "Don't git fresh with me, sonny!" replied the chump, bristling up: "I don't believe shoes kin be raised on trees any more'n I believe rubbers grow on rubber trees or oysters on the oyster plants." Putting One Over. In the happy past John Henry was madly in love with Gladys May, but there came one of those silly little quarrels, and the fair one told the youth to leave her papa 's porch. John Henry did so. Moreover, he kept on going, and it was something like ten years before he returned to the native haunts he knew so well. At a ball one night he met the beau- Not the Cheapest -But the BEST VIM FLOUR Made In Oregon TheJobes Milling Co. St Johns.-Portland, Oregon teous Gladys May, married now, and it was with matronly condescension that she elected, to look upon him. "After ten long years we meet again, Gladys," said John Henry, eagerly step ping forward to take her hand. "I trust that you still remember me." "Let mo see," mused the fair Gladys May, with an indifferent expression. "Was it you or your brother who used to be an old sweetheart of mine!" "Really, I don't know," came back the cruel response of John Henry. "Probably it was my father." t Grandma Bites. Bobby (to grandmother) Grandma, have you ever seen an engine wagging its ears! , Grandma No; nonsense, Bobby. I never heard of an engine having any earl Bobby Why, haven't you beard of engineers! But Not Alone. There is in Brooklyn a young recent ly married couple who have been hav ing the usual half pathetic and wholly amusing experiences incident to some what limited means and total inex perience. Last Saturday, there was a hitch in the delivery of the marketing, and Sunday found them with a prac tically empty larder. When dinner time came the young wife burst into tears. "Oh, this is horrible!" she wept. "Not a thing in this house for a dog to eat! I am going home to mama!" "If you dont' mind, dear," the hus band exclaimed, as he visibly bright ened and reached for his hat, "I'll go with your' All In Line. The rehearsal was nroceedincrlv slow ly. The star had several complaints to mane and ttio manager was losing pa tience. Star Actor I must insist, Mr. Stager, on having real food in the ban quet scene. Manager Very well, then: if vou in sist on that you will be supplied with real poison in the death scene. BULBS, ROSES, TREES FOR FAIjL PLANTING BEST ETOCS IH THB WEST. VT have no agents, guarantoo oar stock and prepay charges. Don't buy until TO. r&ad our NEW OKFSK. Fro 64-page Catalog No. BO Tell AIL GOING EAST or COMING WEST Wt tan Sdte you Money Rtdueed rates on Houwhold floods, name, Automobiles, .to. Throat eousoudalod tu In en ring prompt dtUTorj sad sreM handling, Bataa and Information fumlahod ea rwratsk Pacific Coast Forwarding Company 201 Wikaz Build it. 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