36
IKXME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION
Stories With a Smile
Schoolboy Answers.
14 TEACHER in one of our publie
schools gives a couple of ex
amples whieh indicate the neces
sity for her being on the job.
"What is the equator!" she asked
of little Peter Ford, whose know!
edge of physical geography was well
known throughout the school.
"The equator is a menagerie lion
running around the earth," answered
the lad, thereby establishing forever
his claim to fame.
"What boy will give me an example
of an imperative sentence I inquired
tlio teacher.
"I will," spoke up Matty New,
"John, throw the horse over the fenee
some hay. ' '
Tlain to Him.
Among those visiting an art exhibi
tion held recently in San Antonio was
an old German, who wandered about
looking at the paintings with inter
est. Finally he stopped before a por
trait which showed a man sitting in
a high-backed chair. Tacked to the
frame was a email white placard read
ing: "A Portrait of J. P. Jones, by
Himself."
The aged Teuton read the eard and
then chuckled sarcastically:
"Vot fools is dese art beoplee," be
mattered. "Anybody dot looks at dot
picture vould know dot Jones is by
himself. Nobody else is in der pic
ture. Making the Test
A barber in a downtown shop, hav
ing beea out late the night before, bad
a shaky hand the next morning and
ent a patron's cheek four times. After
each accident the barber said, as he
sponged away the blood: "Oh, dear
me, how careless!
The patron took all these gashes in
grave silence. But when the shave
wag over be filled a glass at the
water cooler, took a mouthful of wa
ter, and, with compressed lips, pro
ceeded to shake his head from aide
to side.
"What is the mattert" the barber
asked. "You ain't got the toothache,
have you J"
"No," said the customer. "I only
wanted to Bee if my mouth would still
hold water without leaking."
What He Didn't Understand.
A colored man who runs a prosper
ous truck farm in a Southern state
was purchasing various articles at a
shop in Atlanta, when the proprie
tor ventured to suggest that he need
ed a .barometer. An instrument was
shown and the darky was treated to a
long statement about indications and
pressures and other things. Finally he
interrupted the shopkeeper with:
"Look heah, boss. I understands
'bout all dat. What I wants to know
is, how do you set de thing when you
wants it to raint"
m
Changing Around.
Neighbor Every time you feed your
dog be brings the bones over and
gnaws them on my premises. Isn't
there some way to stop itl
Owner Suppose you feed him here
after, and then he will probably bring
them over and gnaw them on my
premises.
.
On the Captain'a Deck.
It is hard to imagine the skipper of
a British man of war sleeping on the
deck of his ship between a couple of
his stokers, but this has happened in
the American navy.
It happened off Santiago during the
bloekade in Commodore Schley's flag
ship, Brooklyn. No lights were al
lowed to be shown from the ships at
night, andy as this meant all port
holes shut, the temperature below
decks was unbearable. Every man who
could slept on deck, the skipper
among them.
This officer laid himself down one
night on his quarter deck to snateh
a few hours' rest. He was awakened
in the dawn, says the Mirror, by hear
ing a sleepy voice next to him mur
n.ur to a companion: "Darned if it
ain't the cap'n!" And, opening his
eyes, he saw two of his stokers rise
up suddenly from his side and dis
appear swiftly for'ard.
How Oould He KnowT
"King Lear is a great character,'1
remarked the friend. .
"Tea, " answered the actor. "I sup
pose yon remember my performance
last season t
"No, I must confess I have never
seen yon in the partt
"Indeed!" was the rejoinder in a
tone of gentle surprise. "Then how
on earth did yon know it was a groat
character "
Realistic
Petted Daughter They askod me to
play at Mrs. Highup s this evening,
and I did; but "
Fond Mother (proudly) Were not
they entranced!
Petted Daughter Hum! When I
played "A Life on the Ocean Wave"
with variations, half of them loft the
room.
Fond Mother (ecstatically) That is
wonderful! They must have felt sea
sick. Easily Done.
They had been making hay while the
sun shone, and when they had finished
a high haystack the farmer 's boy shout
ed from the top: "Say, mister, how
am I going to get down!"
The farmer considered the problem
and finally solved it: '
"Oh, jest shet yer eyes an' walk
around a bit"
Couldn't Fool Him.
The chump bad bought a pair of
shoes in the city shop. "Now, can't I
sell you a pair of shoe trees!" Bug
gested the clerk.
"Don't git fresh with me, sonny!"
replied the chump, bristling up: "I
don't believe shoes kin be raised on
trees any more'n I believe rubbers
grow on rubber trees or oysters on the
oyster plants."
Putting One Over.
In the happy past John Henry was
madly in love with Gladys May, but
there came one of those silly little
quarrels, and the fair one told the
youth to leave her papa 's porch.
John Henry did so. Moreover, he
kept on going, and it was something
like ten years before he returned to the
native haunts he knew so well.
At a ball one night he met the beau-
Not the Cheapest
-But the BEST
VIM
FLOUR
Made In Oregon
TheJobes Milling Co.
St Johns.-Portland, Oregon
teous Gladys May, married now, and it
was with matronly condescension that
she elected, to look upon him.
"After ten long years we meet again,
Gladys," said John Henry, eagerly step
ping forward to take her hand. "I
trust that you still remember me."
"Let mo see," mused the fair Gladys
May, with an indifferent expression.
"Was it you or your brother who used
to be an old sweetheart of mine!"
"Really, I don't know," came back
the cruel response of John Henry.
"Probably it was my father."
t
Grandma Bites.
Bobby (to grandmother) Grandma,
have you ever seen an engine wagging
its ears!
, Grandma No; nonsense, Bobby. I
never heard of an engine having any
earl
Bobby Why, haven't you beard of
engineers!
But Not Alone.
There is in Brooklyn a young recent
ly married couple who have been hav
ing the usual half pathetic and wholly
amusing experiences incident to some
what limited means and total inex
perience. Last Saturday, there was a
hitch in the delivery of the marketing,
and Sunday found them with a prac
tically empty larder. When dinner time
came the young wife burst into tears.
"Oh, this is horrible!" she wept.
"Not a thing in this house for a dog
to eat! I am going home to mama!"
"If you dont' mind, dear," the hus
band exclaimed, as he visibly bright
ened and reached for his hat, "I'll go
with your'
All In Line.
The rehearsal was nroceedincrlv slow
ly. The star had several complaints to
mane and ttio manager was losing pa
tience. Star Actor I must insist, Mr.
Stager, on having real food in the ban
quet scene.
Manager Very well, then: if vou in
sist on that you will be supplied with
real poison in the death scene.
BULBS, ROSES, TREES
FOR FAIjL PLANTING
BEST ETOCS IH THB WEST.
VT have no agents, guarantoo oar stock
and prepay charges. Don't buy until TO.
r&ad our NEW OKFSK.
Fro 64-page Catalog No. BO Tell AIL
GOING EAST or
COMING WEST
Wt tan Sdte you Money
Rtdueed rates on Houwhold floods, name,
Automobiles, .to. Throat eousoudalod tu
In en ring prompt dtUTorj sad sreM
handling,
Bataa and Information fumlahod ea rwratsk
Pacific Coast Forwarding Company
201 Wikaz Build it. PartUad One
What do you think
OF THIS?
3,000,000 Acres
FINE FREE HOMESTEADS
and Montana Deeded Lands
$8 to $40 an Acre
Beady for the plow.
Yields 30 to 60 bu. wheat.
Oats, barley, flax, hay, etc, ia
proportion.
Finest Inland Climate
Land Sold on Crop Payment
Plan.
Low fare Homeseekers' Ex
cursions on first and thirl
Tuesdays of each month.
Western Immigration Agent,
0. M. ft ST. F. BY.
2nd and Cherry, Seattle, Wash.
5
WE ARE SO SURE
OF THE
QUALITY
OF
Gold Shield.
Coffee
S3)
LIFE
HEALTH
ACCIDENT
Phono Mala MM
One Policy
COM BINATION
ONTRACT JBJ
1 nr
CUp this Coupon and mall to the
vum ror run Inrormau
BUfauon lav
I to the Mmmt
Nanei
Addi-tai
Ye!ava immm
Owapatloai
MniaHM-na-nwHOMWHi
attract Hrtkajr,rrMart.M
. Insarano tuafoatodj
That we ask you to give Gold Shield a
trial, feeling that you will then insist
on Gold Shield when
buying coffee.
SCHWABACHER BROS.
& CO., Inc.
Importers and Boasters ot Coffee
Seattle, Wash
aaui.amMnMaaua'aVMaammi
jNSUBANCE 00.
HOME OFFICE SEATTLE, U. S.
r t M Ml