Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The gazette-times. (Heppner, Or.) 1912-1925 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 13, 1914)
16 HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION Stories With a Smile Has a Boss Now. I AFE CHOATE. the man who hitched Li his wife to a plow with two mules and plowed with her in the fields mree years ago, has taken a second wife and there's another story. Choate got married again last week, Miss Bessie Evans of Kansas Citv hcino- his bride. At the time Judge John Steep warned Miss fcvans of Choate s charac ter. "Oh, I know all about him." she re plied. "If there's any plowing to be done he'll do it." She apparently has made her threat gooa. noate, tne terrible, is waiting on his wife as a courtier waits on a queen, the neighbors say. Perhaps the reason is that his bride weighs 800 pounds. Choate lynched by the farmers of Clay county lure years ago, and the fngbt also may hare tamed his disposition. A di vorce followed his prosecution and term 01 ten days in jail at that time. Called Him Down. At a social affair the other night the conversation turned to justifiable re monstrances, when Congressman Frank B. Willis of Ohio was reminded of the rebuke administered by a pretty girl named Marie. One afternoon some time ago Marie called on her dearest girl chum, and Boon the two fairies were deep in the details of the gowns and things seen at a reception the evening before. "And do you know, Alice," confi dentially murmured Marie, when the subject reverted to the guests, "Harry had the nerve to kiss me on the fore head." . ."You don't really mean itl" was the horrified rejoinder of Alice. "I suppose you called him down!" "I certainly did," sweetly answered Marie. "About four inches." She Meant Well. Bishop McDowell has recovered from recent illness sufficiently to receive his friends and entertain them with a story now and then. Some years ago the bishop was presiding over a confer ence in the South. At the close of the session an old negro mammy who had been an interested listener throughout the proceedings approached the bishop to congratulate him. "Ah's done attended confunces hyah since befo' de wah," she said. "Ah's seen Bishop Simpson an' Bishop Fow ler an' Bishop Merrill, bat Ah nevah saw no bishop whj could preside lak you. " . , Bishop McDowell thanked her for the compliment and was about to torn away. "Bnt," added the old regress, "Ah 'm getting on in yeahs tow; Ah's pretty' old, an' Ah speckt man judgment ain't so good as it onee was." Unnecessary Noise. The young ' man and the girl were standing outside the front door, having a final chat after his evening call. He was leaning against the doorpost, talk ing in low tones. Presently the young lady looked round, to discover her father in the doorway, clad in a dressing gown. "Why, father, what in the world is the matter f she inquired. "John," said the father, addressing himself to the young man, "you know I have never complained about your stay ing late, and I am not going to complain of that now; but for goodness sake Btop leaning against the bellpuah and let the rest of the family get some sleep." Lowest Bidder. "I have come to ask for the hand of your daughter," announced the young man. "Have a chair," said her father, kindly. "I presume you have made an estimate of what it rill cost to keep my daughter in the style to which she has been accustomed f" "I have, sir." "And our figures!" "Ten thousand dollars a year." "I'm sorry, my boy," said the older man, "but I cannot afford to throw away $a,000 a year. Another suitor has figured he can do it for 8,000." No Wonder Sho Blushed. "That's a nice looking fellow who's just come in," said the young man who was dining with his best girl. "Is he a friend of yours!" "Yes, indeed, I know him well," laughed the maiden. "Shall 1 ask him to join us!" "Oh, -George!" said the girl, blush ing; "this is so sudden." "Suddcnt What do you mean!" he asked in surprise. "Why why, that's our young minister," Classification Desired. It may be a perennial, but it sounded good in the Stock Exchange smoking room, where the broker told it as the output of his own offspring. -. "Pop, are you a bear or a bull!" asked the young hopeful at the break fast table. "How can that possibly interest you, my boy!" " 'Cause I've heard you called both by gentlemen visiting here, and I'd like to know whether I am a cub or a calf. ' Evidently Used Up. Mrs. Meadowland (early morning) "I guess that city gottleman we took to board for the summer ain't much used to travelin' in the cars. He must 'a' been all fagged out when he got here yesterday, though he didn't say nothin' about it." Farmer Meadowland "He looked cheery enough." Mrs. Meadowland "Yes, but there it is 'most four o'clock and breakfast all ready, and he ain't waked up yet" Happy Man. The school teacher was trying to find from a tiny child the name of his fath er. He seemed quite unable to think of it, so to help him she asked: "What do you call him!" "I call him father," was the reply. "Well, what does your mother call him!" The response was eloquent "She doesn't call him anything she likes him." The Kind He Wanted. 'Why are you so quiet!" he asked. 'There 's nothing the matter," she re plied. "But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes." "Well, I didn't have anthing to say." "Don't you ever sav anything wheu you have nothing to say!" "No." "Angell Will yon be my wife!" Then He Could Sleep. "Doctor," said he, "I'm a victim of insomnia. I can't sleep if there's the least noise, such as a cat on the back fence, for instance." "This powder will be effective," re plied the physician, after compounding a prescription. "When do I take it, Doctor!" "You don't take it. You give it to the cat in a little milk." Shady. "Well, did you discover anything in Stump's past life that we can use against him!" Detective: "Not a thing. All he ever did before he came here was to sell awnings." Election Agent: "Why, that's just what we want Well say that he has been mixed up in some decidedly shady transactions." An Installment It was on a Broadway car. A passen ger stooped and picked up a coin from the floor. Three of the other passen gers eyed him with envy. "Which of you people dropped a five- dollar gold piece!" "I did!" yelled each of the three. "Well," said the finder to the man nearest him, "here's a nickel of it" A Poet's Dream:. Apropos of Marshall R. Kernoehan, who makes $30 a year by writing music, a magazine poet said: "To make $30 a year out of music is pretty good. It's as much as I, a suc cessful poet, make out of verse. "When they seo my poetry in all the magazines people think that I live at the Eitz-Charlton. Alas, they don't know the magazine poetry rates. "A young lady said to me the other day: "I like your poetry so much. I have often heard the expression beautiful as a poet's iream. Tell me, what are poet s dreams like! " 'Well, my dear young lady,' I re plied, 'mine are usually about three square meals a day, cloan linen and an occasional 5-cent cigar.' " An Ancient Calf. Awkward mistakes occur sometimes through falling into certain mannerisms of expression. A parson had a habit of frequently saying "for years and years and years" in the course of a sermon. He was preaching on the Prodigal Son, and spoke of him sitting down in that far-off land thinking of the home that he had not seen "for years and years and years." This was all right, but presently he spoke of the welcome to his old home. and of the calf which his father had kept in anticipation of that happy day. 'Yes," said he, dropping into his favorite cadence for the winding up of a sentence, "yes, the calf which he had kept for years and years and years! " Then somebody laughed. i ira you minx i m going 10 nave jvm yanking out my teeth in the dark!" Running No Bisk. One gloomy day a young countryman went to a dentist to have a tooth ex tracted. Seeing the patient's obvions nervousness, the dentist inquired: "Would you like gas!" "Would I like gas! Of course, I'd like gas," exclaimed the irate patient, Big Values in Used Cars "A used ear bought from the Winton Company is worth 30 per cent mora than it duplicate anywhere else." Wo hear thia statement every day. The rea son is plain when it is remem bered that no traded-tn car is offered hera for ale until it has been thoroughly overhauled in our own shops by Winton ex perts and brought up to th .Winton standard of automobila excellence. If you can appreciate what thia enhanced value meana you will send NOW for our com plete list of high-grade "used" car bargains. It goes without saying tha a re-built car of high-grade manu facture which has been operated tnlf 10 per cant of its real mile age, Uat ran be purchased at 50 per cent of the original pri a will prove far more satisfactory and much less expensive than a cheap car bought new. Very little money will NOW buy one of these rebuilt cars that will give the best satisfac tion In both service and appear ance. Send today for our latest complete bargain list. THE WIHTOH MOTOR CAB 00. Portland. Oregon. Spokane, Was. Seattle, Wash. 'i HOMESTEADS In Sunny Alberta, Western Canada Why pay $50.00 to be located when you can get the same service and information for $3.00! We have located several hundred on home steads in Western Canada the last past 10 years and have always charged Fifty Dollars for location fee. We have decided to change our system. Instead of having you come to our office and we personally take charge of you and locate you, we will give you the information by mail for Three ($3.00) Dollars. We know where the best lands are that arc open for filing and settlement. We will give you full information telling you where to go, where the land is, what kind of land you can get in various parts of Western Canada. We will inform you where you can get all prairie or all timber, or where yon can get partly prairie and partly timber land. The claims will be close to railroad and town. Level black loam soil, only 12 to 15 feet to water, creeks through many of the claims. Will direct yon to lands adapted for grain raising, on lands best for raising cattle, or on the best mixed farming lands in Western Canada. Anyone of these claims is worth a life time of saving to you. Will give you information regarding maps, plats, etc Will give you the name and address of a reliable land guide in the vieinity where you want to go that will put yon on the land. Will give you full informa tion regarding the location of the railroad, how far it has been built, where it is in operation, etc., ete, and how to get your Homeseeker's rates and tickets; and all information concerning price, terms and lease rent on all Hudson Bay Lands in Western Canada. This all for $3.00, which remit us by P. O. money order and we will give you the informa tion to get a Homestead that will make you independent CANADIAN HOMESTEAD CO. 73 SIXTH STREET, POBTLAND, OREGON,. SURE NEW WAY TO KILL RATS . Never fails; kills every time; does the work in a single night; embalms the rat; dries It np; leaves no bad effects; no bad odors; no taste; no smell; rata like it; not an experiment; no danger; no risk; money hack If It fails to do all that is claimed for it If you are bothered with rats about your premises the house, barn, chicken house, other buildings M-BALM-B will get rid of them very quickly. - The average rat on the farm steals and destroys $5 worth of grain and chickens every year; save this loss by getting rid of every rat on the place; save enough to pay your taxes. Our embalmer is guaran teed to do the work. Price $2.50; big package sent by express, prepaid. savm 312 Panama Building, CHEMICAL PRODUCTS CO. Portland, Oregon. LIFE HEALTH ACCIDENT Phone Main 1711 One Policy COM BINATION ONTRAOT J B J v Clip this Coupon and mall to the Banae Off! oai for full Information. Me ebllfatlon Incurred. Name: wnlMlKMI IHIIHHW AJdrveai TK'1 MTM I kTMIT H I'M MM Oeevpatleai ivauniafDHiruHU nearest birthday MMM sAmt Insurant luf vested: .NSUBANCB 00. HOME OFFICE SBATTLH, U. 8. L
