16
HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION
Stories With a Smile
Has a Boss Now.
I AFE CHOATE. the man who hitched
Li his wife to a plow with two mules
and plowed with her in the fields
mree years ago, has taken a second wife
and there's another story.
Choate got married again last week,
Miss Bessie Evans of Kansas Citv hcino-
his bride. At the time Judge John Steep
warned Miss fcvans of Choate s charac
ter.
"Oh, I know all about him." she re
plied. "If there's any plowing to be
done he'll do it."
She apparently has made her threat
gooa. noate, tne terrible, is waiting on
his wife as a courtier waits on a queen,
the neighbors say.
Perhaps the reason is that his bride
weighs 800 pounds. Choate
lynched by the farmers of Clay county
lure years ago, and the fngbt also
may hare tamed his disposition. A di
vorce followed his prosecution and term
01 ten days in jail at that time.
Called Him Down.
At a social affair the other night the
conversation turned to justifiable re
monstrances, when Congressman Frank
B. Willis of Ohio was reminded of the
rebuke administered by a pretty girl
named Marie.
One afternoon some time ago Marie
called on her dearest girl chum, and
Boon the two fairies were deep in the
details of the gowns and things seen
at a reception the evening before.
"And do you know, Alice," confi
dentially murmured Marie, when the
subject reverted to the guests, "Harry
had the nerve to kiss me on the fore
head." .
."You don't really mean itl" was the
horrified rejoinder of Alice. "I suppose
you called him down!"
"I certainly did," sweetly answered
Marie. "About four inches."
She Meant Well.
Bishop McDowell has recovered from
recent illness sufficiently to receive his
friends and entertain them with a story
now and then. Some years ago the
bishop was presiding over a confer
ence in the South. At the close of the
session an old negro mammy who had
been an interested listener throughout
the proceedings approached the bishop
to congratulate him.
"Ah's done attended confunces hyah
since befo' de wah," she said. "Ah's
seen Bishop Simpson an' Bishop Fow
ler an' Bishop Merrill, bat Ah nevah
saw no bishop whj could preside lak
you. " . ,
Bishop McDowell thanked her for the
compliment and was about to torn away.
"Bnt," added the old regress, "Ah 'm
getting on in yeahs tow; Ah's pretty'
old, an' Ah speckt man judgment ain't
so good as it onee was."
Unnecessary Noise.
The young ' man and the girl were
standing outside the front door, having
a final chat after his evening call. He
was leaning against the doorpost, talk
ing in low tones. Presently the young
lady looked round, to discover her
father in the doorway, clad in a dressing
gown.
"Why, father, what in the world is
the matter f she inquired.
"John," said the father, addressing
himself to the young man, "you know I
have never complained about your stay
ing late, and I am not going to complain
of that now; but for goodness sake Btop
leaning against the bellpuah and let the
rest of the family get some sleep."
Lowest Bidder.
"I have come to ask for the hand
of your daughter," announced the
young man.
"Have a chair," said her father,
kindly. "I presume you have made an
estimate of what it rill cost to keep
my daughter in the style to which she
has been accustomed f"
"I have, sir."
"And our figures!"
"Ten thousand dollars a year."
"I'm sorry, my boy," said the older
man, "but I cannot afford to throw
away $a,000 a year. Another suitor has
figured he can do it for 8,000."
No Wonder Sho Blushed.
"That's a nice looking fellow who's
just come in," said the young man
who was dining with his best girl. "Is
he a friend of yours!"
"Yes, indeed, I know him well,"
laughed the maiden.
"Shall 1 ask him to join us!"
"Oh, -George!" said the girl, blush
ing; "this is so sudden."
"Suddcnt What do you mean!" he
asked in surprise.
"Why why, that's our young minister,"
Classification Desired.
It may be a perennial, but it sounded
good in the Stock Exchange smoking
room, where the broker told it as the
output of his own offspring. -.
"Pop, are you a bear or a bull!"
asked the young hopeful at the break
fast table.
"How can that possibly interest you,
my boy!"
" 'Cause I've heard you called both
by gentlemen visiting here, and I'd like
to know whether I am a cub or a calf. '
Evidently Used Up.
Mrs. Meadowland (early morning)
"I guess that city gottleman we took
to board for the summer ain't much
used to travelin' in the cars. He must
'a' been all fagged out when he got
here yesterday, though he didn't say
nothin' about it."
Farmer Meadowland "He looked
cheery enough."
Mrs. Meadowland "Yes, but there it
is 'most four o'clock and breakfast all
ready, and he ain't waked up yet"
Happy Man.
The school teacher was trying to find
from a tiny child the name of his fath
er. He seemed quite unable to think
of it, so to help him she asked:
"What do you call him!"
"I call him father," was the reply.
"Well, what does your mother call
him!"
The response was eloquent
"She doesn't call him anything she
likes him."
The Kind He Wanted.
'Why are you so quiet!" he asked.
'There 's nothing the matter," she re
plied.
"But you haven't said a word for
twenty minutes."
"Well, I didn't have anthing to say."
"Don't you ever sav anything wheu
you have nothing to say!"
"No."
"Angell Will yon be my wife!"
Then He Could Sleep.
"Doctor," said he, "I'm a victim of
insomnia. I can't sleep if there's the
least noise, such as a cat on the back
fence, for instance."
"This powder will be effective," re
plied the physician, after compounding
a prescription.
"When do I take it, Doctor!"
"You don't take it. You give it to
the cat in a little milk."
Shady.
"Well, did you discover anything in
Stump's past life that we can use
against him!"
Detective: "Not a thing. All he ever
did before he came here was to sell awnings."
Election Agent: "Why, that's just
what we want Well say that he has
been mixed up in some decidedly shady
transactions."
An Installment
It was on a Broadway car. A passen
ger stooped and picked up a coin from
the floor. Three of the other passen
gers eyed him with envy.
"Which of you people dropped a five-
dollar gold piece!"
"I did!" yelled each of the three.
"Well," said the finder to the man
nearest him, "here's a nickel of it"
A Poet's Dream:.
Apropos of Marshall R. Kernoehan,
who makes $30 a year by writing music,
a magazine poet said:
"To make $30 a year out of music is
pretty good. It's as much as I, a suc
cessful poet, make out of verse.
"When they seo my poetry in all the
magazines people think that I live at
the Eitz-Charlton. Alas, they don't
know the magazine poetry rates.
"A young lady said to me the other
day:
"I like your poetry so much. I have
often heard the expression beautiful as
a poet's iream. Tell me, what are
poet s dreams like!
" 'Well, my dear young lady,' I re
plied, 'mine are usually about three
square meals a day, cloan linen and
an occasional 5-cent cigar.' "
An Ancient Calf.
Awkward mistakes occur sometimes
through falling into certain mannerisms
of expression. A parson had a habit of
frequently saying "for years and years
and years" in the course of a sermon.
He was preaching on the Prodigal Son,
and spoke of him sitting down in that
far-off land thinking of the home that
he had not seen "for years and years
and years."
This was all right, but presently he
spoke of the welcome to his old home.
and of the calf which his father had
kept in anticipation of that happy day.
'Yes," said he, dropping into his
favorite cadence for the winding up of
a sentence, "yes, the calf which he had
kept for years and years and years! "
Then somebody laughed.
i
ira you minx i m going 10 nave jvm
yanking out my teeth in the dark!"
Running No Bisk.
One gloomy day a young countryman
went to a dentist to have a tooth ex
tracted. Seeing the patient's obvions
nervousness, the dentist inquired:
"Would you like gas!"
"Would I like gas! Of course, I'd
like gas," exclaimed the irate patient,
Big Values
in Used Cars
"A used ear bought from the
Winton Company is worth 30
per cent mora than it duplicate
anywhere else." Wo hear thia
statement every day. The rea
son is plain when it is remem
bered that no traded-tn car is
offered hera for ale until it has
been thoroughly overhauled in
our own shops by Winton ex
perts and brought up to th
.Winton standard of automobila
excellence.
If you can appreciate what
thia enhanced value meana you
will send NOW for our com
plete list of high-grade "used"
car bargains.
It goes without saying tha a
re-built car of high-grade manu
facture which has been operated
tnlf 10 per cant of its real mile
age, Uat ran be purchased at 50
per cent of the original pri a
will prove far more satisfactory
and much less expensive than
a cheap car bought new.
Very little money will NOW
buy one of these rebuilt cars
that will give the best satisfac
tion In both service and appear
ance. Send today for our latest
complete bargain list.
THE
WIHTOH MOTOR CAB 00.
Portland. Oregon.
Spokane, Was. Seattle, Wash.
'i
HOMESTEADS
In Sunny Alberta, Western Canada
Why pay $50.00 to be located when you can get the same service
and information for $3.00! We have located several hundred on home
steads in Western Canada the last past 10 years and have always charged
Fifty Dollars for location fee. We have decided to change our system.
Instead of having you come to our office and we personally take charge
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Will direct yon to lands adapted for grain raising, on lands best for
raising cattle, or on the best mixed farming lands in Western Canada.
Anyone of these claims is worth a life time of saving to you. Will
give you information regarding maps, plats, etc Will give you the
name and address of a reliable land guide in the vieinity where you
want to go that will put yon on the land. Will give you full informa
tion regarding the location of the railroad, how far it has been built,
where it is in operation, etc., ete, and how to get your Homeseeker's
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tion to get a Homestead that will make you independent
CANADIAN HOMESTEAD CO.
73 SIXTH STREET, POBTLAND, OREGON,.
SURE NEW WAY TO KILL RATS .
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hack If It fails to do all that is claimed
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If you are bothered with rats about your premises the house, barn,
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savm 312 Panama Building,
CHEMICAL PRODUCTS CO. Portland, Oregon.
LIFE
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ACCIDENT
Phone Main 1711
One Policy
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Clip this Coupon and mall to the Banae
Off! oai for full Information. Me
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