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About The gazette-times. (Heppner, Or.) 1912-1925 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 6, 1914)
16 HOME AW) FARM MAGAZINE SECTION Stories With a Smile SMILES weaved through the features of Cowgrwsman Aaher C. Hind of Maiu the other ercning when the talk drifted to domestio felieity. He said ha was reminded of an incident in Jhe hflm of Jones. Jonea was sitting in the den one night glancing over the sporting pages. Op posite him sat little wifey making some thing with a knitting needle. Suddenly mother glaneed up. "John Henry," said she, "drop that paper a minute. I want to ask you a question." "What is it, dear?" was the obedi ent responso of John Henry. "It's just this." returned ''If you were single again and I were single again, would you ask me to marry out-- lok here, Maryv" exclaimed muier a Little energetically, "what do yon want to start something for when we have settled down for a nice quiet evening!" Johnson's Enlistment They were speaking of army service at a social session ihe other night when Congressman Henry T. Heleenscn of North Dakota smilingly said he was re minded of the enlistment of Jim John son, Johnson enlisted with the usual en thusiasm, the Congressman said, but he Had not been in the army two days be fore ho made the mistake of twisting his face into tho shape of disdain while the hash was being served. "What's tho matter with you there, Johnson T ' imperiously demanded an of ficer who had observed the facial con tortion. "Don't you like that soupl' "No, sir," was the frank rejoinder of Johnson, "it is full of sand and grit, sir." "It is, is itf " loftily returned the of ficer. "Well, did you come here to grumble, or to serve your country f" "I came here to serve my country, sir," politely answered Johnson, "but not to eat it" John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trapdoor. The storm howled and raged. Two hours later the family gathered for tea. When the meal was half over, Aunt Mary had not appeared, and Mrs. Flint started an investigation. She did not have to ask many questions; J-jbn answered the first one: "Please, mother, she is up on the roof." How She Was Recognized. Mary met Emily on the street'. They tad not seen each other for many years. "Why, how do you do!" exclaimed Mary, effusively, topping off the saluta tion with a few vague pecks ci Emily's face. "Now this is delightful," said Emily, who was older than Mary. "You haven't seen mo for eleven years, nnd yet you know me at once. I couldn't have changed so dreadfully in all that time. It flatters me." Said Mary: "I recognized your bonnet" Didn't Need a Vehicle. An affable agent approached a Texan whose record he had previously ac quainted himself with. "Colonel," said' he, "those arc mighty fine boys of yours." "The finest ever, stranger," ac nuicsced the colonel. "The finest in Texas." "I reckon you buy them anything they want! "Why sure, stranger; I buy them anything they need, whether they want it or not" "Then, colonel, let me sell you cyclopaedia for them. There's nothing else that will benefit them so much." The colonel looked at the agent in astonishment "Why, stranger," said he, "them boys of mino don't need no cylopaedia. They ride bosses. " Applied Natural Philosophy. Pat had been engaged to take a trunk across the lake. He placed the trunk in the bow of the boat, with the result that he boat tipped forward. Man (on the dock) What are you lowing with that trunk in the bow of the boat for, Pat! Pat Sure, an' if it was in the stern wouldn't I be rowin' uphill all the timet An' this way I'm rowing down hill all the timet Mental Reserve. Gentlemen,. I can't lie about the horse; he ' blind in one eye," said the auctioneer. The horse was soon knocked down to a citizen, who had been greatly struck by the auctioneer's honesty, and after paying for the horse he raid: "You were honest enough to tell that this animal ib blind in one eye. Is thre any other defect!" "Yea, sir; there is. He is also blind in the other eye," wa the prompt re ply. Preparing the Way. Claude had disobeyed his parents, and his mother knew it "I am afraid," she said, "that when I toll your father what you have been doing this forenoon be will punish you severely. ' ' "Have you got to tell him, Mothert" asked the boy. "Yes," was the reply; "I shall tell him immediately after dinner." 'Well, Mother," said the boy, "give him a real good dinner, won't youf You might do as much as that for me." Wonderful Training. Mr. Craig was reading the evening paper, while his wife sat near by, knit ting. 'Just listen to this, Debby," he said. "It says here in the paper that moi than 5,000 elephants a year go to maJw our piano keys." , "Gracious!" cried the wife. "Ai it just wonderful, Dan, what some ani mals can be trained to dol " Utterly Useless. "John," asked Mrs, Dorkins, "wha is a 'political eon game'!" "Why, it's it's a frame-np, yo know." , "Yes, but what is frame-up T "A er piece of bunk, of course? can't you " "What is a piece of bunk! "Oh, shucks!" exclaimed Mr. Dor kins. "What's the use of trying to tell a woman anything about politiesT I MOVIES MAKE MONEY The National Amusement Company PORTLAND, OREGON. Licensed Under Blue Sky Law 1y Corporation Commission of Oregon. DIRECTORS. Melvin 0. Winstock, President National Amusement Co. John S. BealL Cout Culvert A Flume Co. W. E. .Coman, Oen. Mp. North western Electric Co. A. S. Stephens, Mgr. Pscific Cout Coat Co. Depositary Scandinavian-American Bank. Offers For Sale a Limited Amount of Stock in its Company. The National Theater, now being erect ed, so as to be open and read? for tmat. September 30, will be one of the finest Moving Picture Theaters in Port land, and will par large monthly cash dividends. Fullest Investigation invited. Shares 1100. WRITE FOB FULL DETAILS, NATIONAL AMUSEMENT CO., Boom 3, Pittock Block, Portland, Oregon, Please send me complete information about stock in your company. Name Address.. I '" Suitable. ' "I suppose," remarked Mrs. Brown, ','now aviators are becoming so numer ous and aro actually holding aeroplane e ntests ihat we mav expect to see a weekly paper published in their inter eBts." "Oh," said Smith, "there ha' been a suitable paper on sale for a long time now." "Indeed! Whai 'i its name!" "Flypaper." He Learned His Value. A tourist in Scotland came to a wide ferry. It was stormv and the wind was constantly increasing. The Scotch ferry man agreed to take the tourist across, but told him to wait until he had first taken a cow across. When he had returned and started across with tho traveler the latter be eame curious. Will you tell me why you took the in across and made me wait!" he asked. "Wecl. now," explained the ferry man, "yon see the coo wur valuable, and I feared th' wind wud increase so th' hoat miffht unset on th' second trip!" Obedience. Mrs. Flint always demanded instant and unquestioning obedience from her children. One afternoon a storm came up, and she sent her son John to closo the trapdoor leading to the root "But, mother " said John. "John, I told you to shut tho trap door." "Yes, but, mother " "John, shut that trapdoor!" t "All right, mother, if you say so, hot " "John!" A Dirty Job. "Just look at the wonderful color of the sea!" exclaimed a tourist on his first Mediterranean cruise. "See how blue it is!" "That's not strange," growled a traveler who had lately run the gamut of tho Neapolitan pensions and was therefore disillusioned. "No wonder t 's blue. You 'd be blue yourself if you had to wash the shores of Italy! " Hard on Father. Do you try to make home life pleas ant for your son!" "Yes,'! replied Farmer Corntassel. But it 's mighty hard to live up to the refined ways he insists on. I'm an noyin' him terrible because when I'm workin' around the b:.rn I keep for- gettin' to refer to the hay loft as the mezzanine floor." Overtaken, It was a wizened little man who ap peared before the judge and charged his wife with cruel and abusive treat ment. His better half was a big, square-jawed woman, with a determined eye. "In the first place, where did you meet this woman who has treated you so dreadfully 1" asked the judge. "Well," replied the little man, mak ing a brave attempt to glare defiantly at his wife, "I never did meet her. She just kind of overtook me," Which Piano Shall I Buy? Honse of Originality It's a Puzzling Problem-But we can help you solve it. Bush & Lane Pianos stand for supreme excel lence of piano construction. They are magnificent in tone, touch, durability and originality of desiga Remember this You are buying a Piano once in your lifetime be fair with your- -self, see them, hear them before you make your purchase. It's tho greatest Piano manufactured in the world today. Come in we'll turn it inside out before your eyes and show you why. After you see it if you want to think it over further that's all right it's a delight to snow it. Some special bargains in used standard make Pianos taken in ex change on Bush & Lane instruments, from $98 up. Bush & Lane Piano 433-5 WASHINGTON STEEET .t Portland, Oregon. . -A .AC-' MAIN Ui AUXUK-tiiMj WHOLESALERS RETAILERS 6$ House of Originality -a- v- v - " W v LIFE HEALTH ACCIDENT Phone Main 17H One Policy COM BIN ATION ONTRACT JBJ Clip this Conpon and mall to the Heat Offlow for full Information. N obligation Incurred, Name: m.i'M Address t I'M llTMHMnHnHMtt Oeenpatloni ... .....a 't T'r- 'IY4"t OiMW .AT nearest birthday- ........... . 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