16
HOME AW) FARM MAGAZINE SECTION
Stories With a Smile
SMILES weaved through the features
of Cowgrwsman Aaher C. Hind of
Maiu the other ercning when the
talk drifted to domestio felieity. He
said ha was reminded of an incident in
Jhe hflm of Jones.
Jonea was sitting in the den one night
glancing over the sporting pages. Op
posite him sat little wifey making some
thing with a knitting needle. Suddenly
mother glaneed up.
"John Henry," said she, "drop that
paper a minute. I want to ask you a
question."
"What is it, dear?" was the obedi
ent responso of John Henry.
"It's just this." returned
''If you were single again and I were
single again, would you ask me to marry
out--
lok here, Maryv" exclaimed
muier a Little energetically, "what do
yon want to start something for when
we have settled down for a nice quiet
evening!"
Johnson's Enlistment
They were speaking of army service
at a social session ihe other night when
Congressman Henry T. Heleenscn of
North Dakota smilingly said he was re
minded of the enlistment of Jim John
son,
Johnson enlisted with the usual en
thusiasm, the Congressman said, but he
Had not been in the army two days be
fore ho made the mistake of twisting
his face into tho shape of disdain while
the hash was being served.
"What's tho matter with you there,
Johnson T ' imperiously demanded an of
ficer who had observed the facial con
tortion. "Don't you like that soupl'
"No, sir," was the frank rejoinder
of Johnson, "it is full of sand and grit,
sir."
"It is, is itf " loftily returned the of
ficer. "Well, did you come here to
grumble, or to serve your country f"
"I came here to serve my country,
sir," politely answered Johnson, "but
not to eat it"
John slowly climbed the stairs and
shut the trapdoor. The storm howled
and raged. Two hours later the family
gathered for tea. When the meal was
half over, Aunt Mary had not appeared,
and Mrs. Flint started an investigation.
She did not have to ask many questions;
J-jbn answered the first one:
"Please, mother, she is up on the
roof."
How She Was Recognized.
Mary met Emily on the street'. They
tad not seen each other for many years.
"Why, how do you do!" exclaimed
Mary, effusively, topping off the saluta
tion with a few vague pecks ci Emily's
face.
"Now this is delightful," said Emily,
who was older than Mary. "You
haven't seen mo for eleven years, nnd
yet you know me at once. I couldn't
have changed so dreadfully in all that
time. It flatters me."
Said Mary: "I recognized your bonnet"
Didn't Need a Vehicle.
An affable agent approached a Texan
whose record he had previously ac
quainted himself with. "Colonel,"
said' he, "those arc mighty fine boys
of yours."
"The finest ever, stranger," ac
nuicsced the colonel. "The finest in
Texas."
"I reckon you buy them anything
they want!
"Why sure, stranger; I buy them
anything they need, whether they want
it or not"
"Then, colonel, let me sell you
cyclopaedia for them. There's nothing
else that will benefit them so much."
The colonel looked at the agent in
astonishment "Why, stranger," said
he, "them boys of mino don't need no
cylopaedia. They ride bosses. "
Applied Natural Philosophy.
Pat had been engaged to take a trunk
across the lake. He placed the trunk
in the bow of the boat, with the result
that he boat tipped forward.
Man (on the dock) What are you
lowing with that trunk in the bow of
the boat for, Pat!
Pat Sure, an' if it was in the stern
wouldn't I be rowin' uphill all the
timet An' this way I'm rowing down
hill all the timet
Mental Reserve.
Gentlemen,. I can't lie about the
horse; he ' blind in one eye," said the
auctioneer.
The horse was soon knocked down to
a citizen, who had been greatly struck
by the auctioneer's honesty, and after
paying for the horse he raid:
"You were honest enough to tell that
this animal ib blind in one eye. Is
thre any other defect!"
"Yea, sir; there is. He is also blind
in the other eye," wa the prompt re
ply.
Preparing the Way.
Claude had disobeyed his parents, and
his mother knew it
"I am afraid," she said, "that when
I toll your father what you have been
doing this forenoon be will punish you
severely. ' '
"Have you got to tell him, Mothert"
asked the boy.
"Yes," was the reply; "I shall tell
him immediately after dinner."
'Well, Mother," said the boy, "give
him a real good dinner, won't youf You
might do as much as that for me."
Wonderful Training.
Mr. Craig was reading the evening
paper, while his wife sat near by, knit
ting.
'Just listen to this, Debby," he said.
"It says here in the paper that moi
than 5,000 elephants a year go to maJw
our piano keys." ,
"Gracious!" cried the wife. "Ai
it just wonderful, Dan, what some ani
mals can be trained to dol "
Utterly Useless.
"John," asked Mrs, Dorkins, "wha
is a 'political eon game'!"
"Why, it's it's a frame-np, yo
know." ,
"Yes, but what is frame-up T
"A er piece of bunk, of course?
can't you "
"What is a piece of bunk!
"Oh, shucks!" exclaimed Mr. Dor
kins. "What's the use of trying to
tell a woman anything about politiesT
I
MOVIES MAKE MONEY
The
National Amusement Company
PORTLAND, OREGON.
Licensed Under Blue Sky Law 1y Corporation Commission of Oregon.
DIRECTORS.
Melvin 0. Winstock, President
National Amusement Co.
John S. BealL Cout Culvert A
Flume Co.
W. E. .Coman, Oen. Mp. North
western Electric Co.
A. S. Stephens, Mgr. Pscific
Cout Coat Co.
Depositary
Scandinavian-American Bank.
Offers For Sale a Limited
Amount of Stock in
its Company.
The National Theater, now being erect
ed, so as to be open and read? for tmat.
September 30, will be one of the
finest Moving Picture Theaters in Port
land, and will par large monthly cash
dividends. Fullest Investigation invited.
Shares 1100.
WRITE FOB FULL DETAILS,
NATIONAL AMUSEMENT CO.,
Boom 3, Pittock Block, Portland, Oregon,
Please send me complete information about stock in your
company.
Name
Address..
I
'" Suitable.
' "I suppose," remarked Mrs. Brown,
','now aviators are becoming so numer
ous and aro actually holding aeroplane
e ntests ihat we mav expect to see a
weekly paper published in their inter
eBts."
"Oh," said Smith, "there ha' been a
suitable paper on sale for a long time
now."
"Indeed! Whai 'i its name!"
"Flypaper."
He Learned His Value.
A tourist in Scotland came to a wide
ferry. It was stormv and the wind was
constantly increasing. The Scotch ferry
man agreed to take the tourist across,
but told him to wait until he had first
taken a cow across.
When he had returned and started
across with tho traveler the latter be
eame curious.
Will you tell me why you took the
in across and made me wait!" he
asked.
"Wecl. now," explained the ferry
man, "yon see the coo wur valuable,
and I feared th' wind wud increase so
th' hoat miffht unset on th' second
trip!"
Obedience.
Mrs. Flint always demanded instant
and unquestioning obedience from her
children. One afternoon a storm came
up, and she sent her son John to closo
the trapdoor leading to the root
"But, mother " said John.
"John, I told you to shut tho trap
door."
"Yes, but, mother "
"John, shut that trapdoor!"
t "All right, mother, if you say so,
hot "
"John!"
A Dirty Job.
"Just look at the wonderful color of
the sea!" exclaimed a tourist on his
first Mediterranean cruise. "See how
blue it is!"
"That's not strange," growled a
traveler who had lately run the gamut
of tho Neapolitan pensions and was
therefore disillusioned. "No wonder
t 's blue. You 'd be blue yourself if you
had to wash the shores of Italy! "
Hard on Father.
Do you try to make home life pleas
ant for your son!"
"Yes,'! replied Farmer Corntassel.
But it 's mighty hard to live up to the
refined ways he insists on. I'm an
noyin' him terrible because when I'm
workin' around the b:.rn I keep for-
gettin' to refer to the hay loft as the
mezzanine floor."
Overtaken,
It was a wizened little man who ap
peared before the judge and charged
his wife with cruel and abusive treat
ment. His better half was a big,
square-jawed woman, with a determined
eye.
"In the first place, where did you
meet this woman who has treated you
so dreadfully 1" asked the judge.
"Well," replied the little man, mak
ing a brave attempt to glare defiantly
at his wife, "I never did meet her. She
just kind of overtook me,"
Which Piano
Shall I Buy?
Honse of Originality
It's a Puzzling Problem-But we can help
you solve it.
Bush & Lane Pianos stand for supreme excel
lence of piano construction. They are magnificent
in tone, touch, durability and originality of desiga
Remember this
You are buying a Piano once in your lifetime be fair with your- -self,
see them, hear them before you make your purchase.
It's tho greatest Piano manufactured in the world today. Come in
we'll turn it inside out before your eyes and show you why.
After you see it if you want to think it over further that's all
right it's a delight to snow it.
Some special bargains in used standard make Pianos taken in ex
change on Bush & Lane instruments, from $98 up.
Bush & Lane Piano
433-5 WASHINGTON STEEET .t
Portland, Oregon. . -A
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