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About The gazette-times. (Heppner, Or.) 1912-1925 | View Entire Issue (April 30, 1914)
16 HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION STORIES WITH A SMILE lltS, LARKIN had a very good housemaid who had been with her some years and one day the girl told her mistress that she would ha" to leave, as she was going to be married. "Indee'dl" said Mrs. Larkin, "and what is your future husband, Mary?" "Please, ma'am," was the reply, "he's an asker." "A what?" queried the mistress. "An asker," repeated Mary. "I don't understand," said Mrs. Larkin, "what does he do?" "Well, ma'am," explained the girl, "he goes about the streets, and If he sees anyone coming along that looks kind, he well, he just stops them and asks them to give him a trifle, and he makes quite a comfortable living, ma'am, in that way." "But, Mary," replies the mistress, In astonishment, "do you mean he is a beggar?" "Well, ma'am," said Mary, "some people do call it that; but we call it 'asker.' ". TO a diplomat who complimented him upon his sangfroid, President Wilson replied, with his dry smile, that he tried to imitate the grave digger. Of course, this meant a story, and the president told it. A certain grave-digger, he ex plained, had the habit of visiting the cemetery every night about midnight to see that all was going well. Know ing of this habit, some boys decided to play a trick upon him. They dug a trench in a dark spot which their prospective victim always crossed, and one of them, dressed in a sheet, hid behind a tree. At midnight the grave-digger duly appeared, and as duly fell Into the trench. The boy in the sheet at once stepped forth and said in hollow tones: "What are you doing in my grave?" Better Babies "Better Babies" or "How to Im prove the human family" Is the sub ject of a lecture Illustrated by silent and moving pictures, which LeMoyne Livingston is giving in the moving picture theaters. Mrs. Livingston shows plctorially, that civilization has caused the de terioration of the race, and that ed ucation is the key note to the situa tion and also to the .changing con dltions. We cannot expect human beings to enjoy good roads the best pork and fruit when we are spending millions of dollars on improvements when they are suffering from preventable conditions. Think this over. The lecture Is one of the great feat ures of the moving picture world to day. Every one should hear Mrs. Livingston and see the wonderful 1,000 foot reel when she reaches your town. CPnM A A vprtlspmpr 1 1 VOTE FOR A. H. BURTON Progressive Candidate for STATE SI PERINTEXOENT OF SCHOOLS Long Successful Experience as Teach er, Principal and Superintendent. Graduate Southern Illinois State Normal.. 1901 University of Illinois 1907 University of Oregon Law 1912 ""What are doing out of It?" the grave-digger replied calmly. ATYPICAL old-time "uncle" of a a Washington was overheard re cently enlightening a colored visitor from the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia on the way congressmen take office. "An' dey swears on de book dat dcy'll s'port de New-nited States, do dey?" the visitor asked. "Naw, suh!" said uncle. "Dey swears dat de New-nlted States'll s'port dem as long as dey kin mek 'em." LITTLE GRACE, who had recently entered school, brought home some pumpkin-seed one day and told her mother that the teacher sa. that although the seed was white the pumpkin would be yellow. "And what will the color of the vines be?" her mother asked. Grace replied that the teacher had not taught her that yet. . "I know, dear, but we have pump kin vines in our garden and you must know what color they are." "Oh, of course I do, mother, but we ain't expected to know anything until we're taught," replied Grace, convincingly. MRS. MATLAX was cruising with a party to Cape May and became Interested in the picturesque attire of an old salt In sailor attire who board ed the steamer during one of her stops. He was of a very retired disposi tion, evidently being entirely engrossed in his surroundings. He gazed afar until the next landing was In sight, when he arose, and took from the folds of his blouse a large telescope, and proceeded to sweep the horizon. Then he turned, doffed his cap, and courteously passed the glass to the ladies. Vpon returning It Mrs. Mat lax remarked: "That is an excellent telescope you have." "Yes, indeed It be, miss," he replied. "That there 'scope was given to me by Lord Nelson." "Nelson?" repeated Mrs. Matlax. "Why, he's been dead nearly a hund red years!" 'Well, I declare!" exclaimed the old salt tar. Ow the time do fly! E was a stranger from the moun- country some miles back, In a Southern state, and he called at the postoffice and asked for the postmaster. He was told by the clerk that the postmaster was not in. "When will he be in?" was asked. The postmaster would be in within half an hour. "Is there anything I can do for you?" the clerk asked. "No, I want to see the postmaster." After a while the man came back and asked again for the postmaster. "He's not back yet," the clerk told him. "Is there anything I can do for you, or can I tell him something when he comes?" "No, there ain't nuthin' you can do, and I wisht the postmaster was here. I want to see if there's any -mail for me, and I'm gettin' in a hurry." LITTLE Evelyn had received many pretty birthday gifts. "I think you are a very fortunate little girl," said her. aunt, "when I was small I was thankful to get even one birth day present." "Oh, dear," replied Evelyn with ,i shudder, "I'm glad I didn't live In Bible times." i I A TRAVELER who beKevetd him- self to be sole survivor of a shlp-j wreck upon a cannibal isle hid fori thre days In terror of his life. Driven j out by hunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke rising from a clump of; bushes inland. Crawling carefully . along the ground to study the type of j savages before making his presence' known he overheard one of the group j say: "Why in hell did you play that! card?" I He dropped on his knees and de voutly raising his hands cried. "Thank God, they are Christians." A BISHOP o fthe Methodist Church aa was to visit a small church one Sunday, and one mother deeded to have him baptise her baby, named Lucy. When she walked forward the bishop said, "Name this child." Fond mother, who lisped, replied, "Lucky, thlr." The bishop, understanding her to say "Lucifer," was horror stricken, said, "Who ever heard of naming a child for the devil. John Wesley, I baptise thee." The consternation of the small girl's mother can be Im agined. A N old farmer once desiring to pur chase a watch, went into a jewelry ed, he replied: "I want a watch IS onions fine." "You mean 18 karats fine, don't you?" inquired the Jeweler. "Wa-al," replied the farmer, "I knowed It wua some kind of a vege table." Love Not Blind Marie You see things In a differ ent light now you are married. Rose I ought to. There are 15 lamps among our wedding presents. The Boarder Knew "Perhaps you drink too much cof fee," suggested the doctor. "I should advise you to try a substitute." "Sir, your advice is superfluous." replied the patient. "I have lived In boarding houses for 25 years.." Efficiencies "My son, it is a great deal harded to spend money with good Judgment than it is to make It." "Well, father, let me take half the burden off your hands. You make it and I'll spend It." Plan to Save All Low Gn.de FrullH. The Yakima Fruit Products Com pany, the stock of which Is held en tirely by North Yakima people, has de cided to add to its vinegar, eider and spray making equipment, at the plant adjoining that city, a 10-tuimel, 420 tray evaporator with a capacity of 10 tons daily. Jerome Laselle of Albany, Ore., has been engaged to take charge of the new branch of the business. If early demonstrations of the machine prove that It will do the work claimed for it the company plans to encourage and assist in the organization of branch establishments at Grandview, Zillah, Wapato, Donald and Selah, in stall equivalent units at each place and energetically engage in the conversion of waste and low grade Yakima Val ley fruits into high quality by-pro ducts. The season will open with cherries, peaches, pears, prunes and apples to be handled later. Solution of the by-product problem has been engaging the best thought of many for a long time, but there have been (Paid Advertisement) FOR GOVERNOR f t t' sir-' ' '' ..... WM. A. Oi Portland Realizing that conditions have be come Buch as to require drastic measures for the reduction of taxes and the consequent high coRt of liv ing, William A. Carter was the first gubernatorial candidate to announce this in his platform and to stand for the semi-annual payment of taxes. The curtailment of a number of use less boards and the consolidation of others, with a saving of at least $500,000 annually to the taxpayers of the state Is to be put up to the people at the November election In the shape of an Initiative measure, prepared by Mr. Carter and which is now being circulated for signatures. Other prominent planks In the Car ter platform are a stand for laws to prevent the Legislature from re pealing laws made by the people: to prevent cold storage of food prod ucts until same shall have spoiled, for the purpose of maintaining high prices; law giving governor power to veto single Items in appropria tions; rigid law enforcement and good roads. Laws for the protec tion and advancement of Interests of working people of the state,' and building up of Industries, which he (Paid Advertisement) For Governor I - J d m n Gus. C. Moser Republican Primaries May 15 He voted against the new tax law land stands for reduction of taxes, payable scml-nmiually, without pcu- lulty. J Keonomy. efficiency dignified law ; enforcement. so many failures that the stock holders of tho Yakima Fruit Produc ts Co. delayed determination of plans until the most exhaustive investiga tions had been concluded. Mistletoe thrives on the western coasts to an extent not approached In the east. In muny places this para sitic growth is responsible, directly or Indirectly, for a considerable luss of timber. CARTER Repuclican advocates, are of particular Interest to all who are Interested in the up building of the state, while his ml vocacy of more active participation of women In legislation, particular ly In laws affecting schools, home and domestic relations, are hi linn With his slogan "PttOTKCT THK jHOMK." Inasmuch as he Is a strong 'advocate of good roads his candidacy should appeal strongly to those in outlying districts. 1 Mr. Carter was bom in Oreonvllle, Tennessee, forty years ago and at me age or is moved with his parents to Jackson County. Oregon. He worked as a farm hand, a section hand, where he received $1.37 a day, and In the mines while studving law of nights. Me was admitted to the bar to practice In 11(98 und been suc cessful In his profession since. That year he was captain of a company of volunteers from the Rogue Jtlver Valley to fight In the Philippines. Was city recorder of (!old Hill, Ore gon, four terms. In 1901 he was sent to the Legislature from Jackson County and led the fight in that body for the reduction of railway fares from four to three cents. He is married and has three children.
