16
HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION
STORIES WITH
A SMILE
lltS, LARKIN had a very good
housemaid who had been with
her some years and one day the
girl told her mistress that she would
ha" to leave, as she was going to be
married.
"Indee'dl" said Mrs. Larkin, "and
what is your future husband, Mary?"
"Please, ma'am," was the reply,
"he's an asker."
"A what?" queried the mistress.
"An asker," repeated Mary.
"I don't understand," said Mrs.
Larkin, "what does he do?"
"Well, ma'am," explained the girl,
"he goes about the streets, and If he
sees anyone coming along that looks
kind, he well, he just stops them and
asks them to give him a trifle, and
he makes quite a comfortable living,
ma'am, in that way."
"But, Mary," replies the mistress,
In astonishment, "do you mean he is
a beggar?"
"Well, ma'am," said Mary, "some
people do call it that; but we call it
'asker.' ".
TO a diplomat who complimented
him upon his sangfroid, President
Wilson replied, with his dry smile,
that he tried to imitate the grave
digger. Of course, this meant a story,
and the president told it.
A certain grave-digger, he ex
plained, had the habit of visiting the
cemetery every night about midnight
to see that all was going well. Know
ing of this habit, some boys decided
to play a trick upon him. They dug
a trench in a dark spot which their
prospective victim always crossed,
and one of them, dressed in a sheet,
hid behind a tree. At midnight the
grave-digger duly appeared, and as
duly fell Into the trench.
The boy in the sheet at once stepped
forth and said in hollow tones:
"What are you doing in my grave?"
Better Babies
"Better Babies" or "How to Im
prove the human family" Is the sub
ject of a lecture Illustrated by silent
and moving pictures, which LeMoyne
Livingston is giving in the moving
picture theaters.
Mrs. Livingston shows plctorially,
that civilization has caused the de
terioration of the race, and that ed
ucation is the key note to the situa
tion and also to the .changing con
dltions.
We cannot expect human beings to
enjoy good roads the best pork and
fruit when we are spending millions
of dollars on improvements when
they are suffering from preventable
conditions. Think this over.
The lecture Is one of the great feat
ures of the moving picture world to
day. Every one should hear Mrs.
Livingston and see the wonderful
1,000 foot reel when she reaches your
town.
CPnM A A vprtlspmpr 1 1
VOTE FOR
A. H. BURTON
Progressive Candidate for
STATE SI PERINTEXOENT
OF SCHOOLS
Long Successful Experience as Teach
er, Principal and Superintendent.
Graduate
Southern Illinois State Normal.. 1901
University of Illinois 1907
University of Oregon Law 1912
""What are doing out of It?" the
grave-digger replied calmly.
ATYPICAL old-time "uncle" of
a a Washington was overheard re
cently enlightening a colored visitor
from the Blue Ridge mountains of
Virginia on the way congressmen take
office.
"An' dey swears on de book dat
dcy'll s'port de New-nited States, do
dey?" the visitor asked.
"Naw, suh!" said uncle. "Dey
swears dat de New-nlted States'll
s'port dem as long as dey kin mek
'em."
LITTLE GRACE, who had recently
entered school, brought home
some pumpkin-seed one day and told
her mother that the teacher sa. that
although the seed was white the
pumpkin would be yellow.
"And what will the color of the
vines be?" her mother asked.
Grace replied that the teacher had
not taught her that yet. .
"I know, dear, but we have pump
kin vines in our garden and you must
know what color they are."
"Oh, of course I do, mother, but
we ain't expected to know anything
until we're taught," replied Grace,
convincingly.
MRS. MATLAX was cruising with
a party to Cape May and became
Interested in the picturesque attire of
an old salt In sailor attire who board
ed the steamer during one of her
stops.
He was of a very retired disposi
tion, evidently being entirely engrossed
in his surroundings. He gazed afar
until the next landing was In sight,
when he arose, and took from the
folds of his blouse a large telescope,
and proceeded to sweep the horizon.
Then he turned, doffed his cap, and
courteously passed the glass to the
ladies. Vpon returning It Mrs. Mat
lax remarked:
"That is an excellent telescope you
have."
"Yes, indeed It be, miss," he replied.
"That there 'scope was given to me
by Lord Nelson."
"Nelson?" repeated Mrs. Matlax.
"Why, he's been dead nearly a hund
red years!"
'Well, I declare!" exclaimed the old
salt tar. Ow the time do fly!
E was a stranger from the moun-
country some miles back, In
a Southern state, and he called
at the postoffice and asked for the
postmaster. He was told by the clerk
that the postmaster was not in.
"When will he be in?" was asked.
The postmaster would be in within
half an hour. "Is there anything I
can do for you?" the clerk asked.
"No, I want to see the postmaster."
After a while the man came back
and asked again for the postmaster.
"He's not back yet," the clerk told
him. "Is there anything I can do for
you, or can I tell him something when
he comes?"
"No, there ain't nuthin' you can do,
and I wisht the postmaster was here.
I want to see if there's any -mail for
me, and I'm gettin' in a hurry."
LITTLE Evelyn had received many
pretty birthday gifts. "I think
you are a very fortunate little girl,"
said her. aunt, "when I was small I
was thankful to get even one birth
day present."
"Oh, dear," replied Evelyn with ,i
shudder, "I'm glad I didn't live In
Bible times." i
I
A TRAVELER who beKevetd him-
self to be sole survivor of a shlp-j
wreck upon a cannibal isle hid fori
thre days In terror of his life. Driven j
out by hunger, he discovered a thin
wisp of smoke rising from a clump of;
bushes inland. Crawling carefully .
along the ground to study the type of j
savages before making his presence'
known he overheard one of the group j
say: "Why in hell did you play that!
card?" I
He dropped on his knees and de
voutly raising his hands cried.
"Thank God, they are Christians."
A BISHOP o fthe Methodist Church
aa was to visit a small church one
Sunday, and one mother deeded to
have him baptise her baby, named
Lucy. When she walked forward the
bishop said, "Name this child."
Fond mother, who lisped, replied,
"Lucky, thlr."
The bishop, understanding her to
say "Lucifer," was horror stricken,
said, "Who ever heard of naming a
child for the devil. John Wesley, I
baptise thee." The consternation of
the small girl's mother can be Im
agined. A N old farmer once desiring to pur
chase a watch, went into a jewelry
ed, he replied: "I want a watch IS
onions fine."
"You mean 18 karats fine, don't
you?" inquired the Jeweler.
"Wa-al," replied the farmer, "I
knowed It wua some kind of a vege
table." Love Not Blind
Marie You see things In a differ
ent light now you are married.
Rose I ought to. There are 15
lamps among our wedding presents.
The Boarder Knew
"Perhaps you drink too much cof
fee," suggested the doctor. "I should
advise you to try a substitute."
"Sir, your advice is superfluous."
replied the patient. "I have lived In
boarding houses for 25 years.."
Efficiencies
"My son, it is a great deal harded
to spend money with good Judgment
than it is to make It."
"Well, father, let me take half the
burden off your hands. You make it
and I'll spend It."
Plan to Save All Low Gn.de FrullH.
The Yakima Fruit Products Com
pany, the stock of which Is held en
tirely by North Yakima people, has de
cided to add to its vinegar, eider and
spray making equipment, at the plant
adjoining that city, a 10-tuimel, 420
tray evaporator with a capacity of 10
tons daily. Jerome Laselle of Albany,
Ore., has been engaged to take charge
of the new branch of the business. If
early demonstrations of the machine
prove that It will do the work claimed
for it the company plans to encourage
and assist in the organization of
branch establishments at Grandview,
Zillah, Wapato, Donald and Selah, in
stall equivalent units at each place and
energetically engage in the conversion
of waste and low grade Yakima Val
ley fruits into high quality by-pro
ducts. The season will open with
cherries, peaches, pears, prunes and
apples to be handled later. Solution
of the by-product problem has been
engaging the best thought of many
for a long time, but there have been
(Paid Advertisement)
FOR GOVERNOR
f t t' sir-'
' '' .....
WM. A.
Oi Portland
Realizing that conditions have be
come Buch as to require drastic
measures for the reduction of taxes
and the consequent high coRt of liv
ing, William A. Carter was the first
gubernatorial candidate to announce
this in his platform and to stand for
the semi-annual payment of taxes.
The curtailment of a number of use
less boards and the consolidation of
others, with a saving of at least
$500,000 annually to the taxpayers
of the state Is to be put up to the
people at the November election In
the shape of an Initiative measure,
prepared by Mr. Carter and which is
now being circulated for signatures.
Other prominent planks In the Car
ter platform are a stand for laws
to prevent the Legislature from re
pealing laws made by the people: to
prevent cold storage of food prod
ucts until same shall have spoiled,
for the purpose of maintaining high
prices; law giving governor power
to veto single Items in appropria
tions; rigid law enforcement and
good roads. Laws for the protec
tion and advancement of Interests of
working people of the state,' and
building up of Industries, which he
(Paid Advertisement)
For Governor
I - J
d m
n
Gus. C. Moser
Republican Primaries May 15
He voted against the new tax law
land stands for reduction of taxes,
payable scml-nmiually, without pcu-
lulty.
J Keonomy. efficiency dignified law
; enforcement.
so many failures that the stock
holders of tho Yakima Fruit Produc ts
Co. delayed determination of plans
until the most exhaustive investiga
tions had been concluded.
Mistletoe thrives on the western
coasts to an extent not approached In
the east. In muny places this para
sitic growth is responsible, directly or
Indirectly, for a considerable luss of
timber.
CARTER
Repuclican
advocates, are of particular Interest
to all who are Interested in the up
building of the state, while his ml
vocacy of more active participation
of women In legislation, particular
ly In laws affecting schools, home
and domestic relations, are hi linn
With his slogan "PttOTKCT THK
jHOMK." Inasmuch as he Is a strong
'advocate of good roads his candidacy
should appeal strongly to those in
outlying districts.
1 Mr. Carter was bom in Oreonvllle,
Tennessee, forty years ago and at
me age or is moved with his parents
to Jackson County. Oregon. He
worked as a farm hand, a section
hand, where he received $1.37 a day,
and In the mines while studving law
of nights. Me was admitted to the
bar to practice In 11(98 und been suc
cessful In his profession since. That
year he was captain of a company
of volunteers from the Rogue Jtlver
Valley to fight In the Philippines.
Was city recorder of (!old Hill, Ore
gon, four terms. In 1901 he was sent
to the Legislature from Jackson
County and led the fight in that
body for the reduction of railway
fares from four to three cents. He
is married and has three children.