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About The Blue Mountain eagle. (John Day, Or.) 1972-current | View Entire Issue (Oct. 11, 2017)
A8 Domestic Violence Blue Mountain Eagle Wednesday, October 11, 2017 A personal story of triumph S uzannah (not her real name) was a young adult living in an- other county when she found herself in the hands of an abuser. It changed the course of her life. At the time, she wondered if these things were really happening to her, then she saw “the reality is so mean and big that it is pretty much unde- niable.” Then it happened again. Here is her story, in her own words: What did I do to deserve this? Should I turn it in? Will anyone be- lieve me? How can I face this per- son? These all became questions that a normal 22-year-old is not really prepared to answer. It is different for every person. I did turn it in, but I didn’t want to at fi rst. I did face that person in the court- room, and it did NOT make me feel stronger, it made me scared and lone- ly. But I DID IT! I didn’t even know until years later that it had empow- ered me, because it sure didn’t at the time. The truth is, the very reason that harm was infl icted upon me — power and control — were the very two things that had been stolen from me. Some people didn’t know what to say, so they said nothing, and those who did say something said I needed to “move on and forgive that person.” Forgiving doesn’t happen overnight. Eventually, after seven years, I forgave the person who stole from me, and I decided to choose how this would change me and move me. I felt so free after forgiving and thinking I had “moved on” and “this didn’t even happen to me” (denial) that I didn’t even know I had gotten myself into an even worse situation. What could be worse? The fi rst person I married after this happened was an abuser. An abuser at home can be so de- ceiving, especially if you have no real bruises or “proof” — even to yourself. I woke up one morning and realized that I had put myself, and now my daughter, into a situation and didn’t know how to get out of it. I had conquered and overcome so much, everyone thought I was so strong, what will they think now? I fi nally decided that I wouldn’t want a life like this for my daughter, so I waited till my husband (at the time) went to work out of town, and I left. Yes! I snuck out, and moved to a crappy apartment and got my free- dom. It did not make me feel safe, and it did not empower me. It made me feel scared and lonely. Brutal honesty is what will help someone else out of a similar situa- tion! It wasn’t until much later in life that I realized what I had done was brave, courageous and commend- able! Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel! You can come through! Red fl ags and warning signs of an abuser • Extreme jealousy • Possessiveness • Unpredictability • Bad temper • Cruelty to animals • Verbal abuse • Extremely controlling behavior • Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships • Forced sex, or disregard of their partner’s unwillingness to have sex • Sabotage of birth control methods or refus- al to honor agreed upon methods • Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens • Sabotage or obstruction of the victim’s ability to work or attend school • Controls all the fi nances • Abuse of other family members, children or pets • Accusations of the victim fl irting with oth- ers or having an affair • Control of what the victim wears and how they act • Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly, may say “It was just a joke” • Embarrassment or humiliation of the vic- tim in front of others • Harassment at work Shelly Whale-Murphy, executive director of Heart of Grant County added that “normal marriages or relationships have normal dis- agreements, but they’re worked out with love and kindness, and that makes the difference between an abusive relationship and a normal relationship.” The Eagle/Angel Carpenter Heart of Grant County advocate Cindy Kalin, left, and executive director Shelly Whale-Murphy assist people who have been affected by domestic violence at their office in John Day. ABUSE Continued from Page A1 The most important thing person can do when someone shares their abuse, Whale-Murphy said, is lis- ten to the person and believe what they say. “It’s important to listen and believe because many times the perpetrator is seen as a wonderful, kind, giving person, which is part of their manipulative scheme to hide what they really do,” she said. They know that if they go down the street to help grandma pack in wood, they’ll appear to be a nice “ It’s important to listen and believe because many times the perpetrator is seen as a wonderful, kind, giving person, which is part of their manipulative scheme to hide what they really do.” Shelly Whale-Murphy Heart of Grant County executive director person, when they’re actu- ally abusing their wife at home, she said. Meanwhile, the abused lives a life “thinking no one will believe them, which propels them to hold the secret longer, which means they don’t get the help they need,” she said. “By hold- ing the secret longer, it just makes it harder for her to ADVOCATES Continued from Page A1 program director Andrea Offi cer. “They are really in denial of domes- tic violence happening in rural com- munities.” Offi cer works alongside Kimber- ly Neault, a victim intervention spe- cialist, and Mike Durr, an investiga- tor and forensic interviewer, for the DA at the Grant County Courthouse in Canyon City. Offi cer said they are there to ex- plain each part of the process as the victim navigates the judicial system. A no contact order is automatically tell, and it continues to up- hold his manipulative plan — so, listening and believ- ing is very important.” If a friend or relative of one experiencing abuse has questions, they can call Heart’s office. “We don’t mind people calling and asking ques- tions,” she said. However, to start the pro- placed on any domestic violence as- sault cases. If the victim fears for their safety and/or the safety of their children, options for housing, transportation and other forms of support from oth- er agencies are explored. Offi cer said they can also help the victim acquire the documents need- ed for restitution, including dam- ages such as medical bills and loss of wages due to injury — any out- of-pocket receipts that are over and above what any available insurance will pay. A personal call is made to the vic- tim, notifying them of the arraign- ment date; during an arraignment the cess, the advocates at Heart need to speak with the vic- tim. “A friend of a client called and said ‘I’m going to give them your phone num- ber,’ and that’s a great start.” Whale-Murphy said. They can help the victim develop a safety plan. “Leaving is a process that sometimes takes weeks and defendant is notifi ed, in court, of the charges they face. Usually 30 days from arraign- ment, a plea hearing is set. “The DA and deputy DA (Mara Houck) will discuss what their plea offer will look like and get the vic- tim’s input,” Offi cer said. “Then at the plea hearing, if the defendant takes the plea, they can go right into sentencing, at which time the victim has a chance to speak at sentencing and share their feelings on how the crime affected them.” If the defendant pleads not guilty, a trial date is set, and advo- cates are present during the trial to assist. in some cases months,” she said. “Our clients are wise and innovative with their safety practices. ... They’re the ones that know what’s best, and they know what sets him off, and when the safe time is to leave.” Whale-Murphy said most of the clients they help are female, but services are equally available to males. She said that while they’re not clinicians, they are there to advocate for vic- tims. “We are there to help them navigate their journey to get free of violence in the best way that we can with the services we can offer,” she said. Neault added they’re there to of- fer support. “It’s not our job to be judgmental of the situation,” she said. “If they’re visiting us, it’s often because some- thing bad has happened, and their life has been turned upside-down.” Offi cer said they try to offer vic- tims tools and resources to move forward. “We hope that they come away from their ordeal stronger and with more faith in themselves for meet- ing the challenges in their lives,” she said. “It’s especially important for families to understand that domestic violence doesn’t just affect that indi- vidual or family, it affects the whole She said some people don’t realize they’re in an abusive situation. “There are some things we tell our clients: You do not deserve what you are living with. You are not the cause of his behavior — he intentionally chooses to behave as he does,” she said. “If they choose to have more contact with us, we definitely become a strength or a supporting factor in their life,” Whale-Murphy said. “We’re there to strengthen and encourage them.” Heart’s office number is 541-575-4335 and their emergency hotline is 541- 620-1342. community and society.” She added, “When men and wom- en turn a blind eye to how women are treated, it gives an attitude of tolerance toward rape, assault and domestic violence toward children, which demoralizes the core of our community.” Neault said she enjoys being an advocate. “It’s a hard job, but I like that I’m able to try to help,” she said. “We like to encourage people,” Offi cer said. “I like to encourage people to be better.” For more information, call Of- fi cer at the DA’s offi ce at 541-575- 4026.
