A8
Domestic Violence
Blue Mountain Eagle
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
A personal
story of triumph
S
uzannah (not her real name)
was a young adult living in an-
other county when she found
herself in the hands of an abuser.
It changed the course of her life.
At the time, she wondered if these
things were really happening to her,
then she saw “the reality is so mean
and big that it is pretty much unde-
niable.”
Then it happened again.
Here is her story, in her own
words:
What did I do to deserve this?
Should I turn it in? Will anyone be-
lieve me? How can I face this per-
son?
These all became questions that
a normal 22-year-old is not really
prepared to answer. It is different for
every person. I did turn it in, but I
didn’t want to at fi rst.
I did face that person in the court-
room, and it did NOT make me feel
stronger, it made me scared and lone-
ly. But I DID IT! I didn’t even know
until years later that it had empow-
ered me, because it sure didn’t at the
time. The truth is, the very reason
that harm was infl icted upon me —
power and control — were the very
two things that had been stolen from
me.
Some people didn’t know what to
say, so they said nothing, and those
who did say something said I needed
to “move on and forgive that person.”
Forgiving doesn’t happen overnight.
Eventually, after seven years, I
forgave the person who stole from
me, and I decided to choose how this
would change me and move me.
I felt so free after forgiving and
thinking I had “moved on” and “this
didn’t even happen to me” (denial)
that I didn’t even know I had gotten
myself into an even worse situation.
What could be worse?
The fi rst person I married after
this happened was an abuser.
An abuser at home can be so de-
ceiving, especially if you have no
real bruises or “proof” — even to
yourself. I woke up one morning and
realized that I had put myself, and
now my daughter, into a situation
and didn’t know how to get out of it.
I had conquered and overcome
so much, everyone thought I was so
strong, what will they think now? I
fi nally decided that I wouldn’t want
a life like this for my daughter, so I
waited till my husband (at the time)
went to work out of town, and I left.
Yes! I snuck out, and moved to a
crappy apartment and got my free-
dom.
It did not make me feel safe, and
it did not empower me. It made me
feel scared and lonely.
Brutal honesty is what will help
someone else out of a similar situa-
tion!
It wasn’t until much later in life
that I realized what I had done was
brave, courageous and commend-
able!
Faith can move mountains, but
don’t be surprised if God hands you
a shovel! You can come through!
Red fl ags and warning
signs of an abuser
• Extreme jealousy
• Possessiveness
• Unpredictability
• Bad temper
• Cruelty to animals
• Verbal abuse
• Extremely controlling behavior
• Antiquated beliefs about roles of women
and men in relationships
• Forced sex, or disregard of their partner’s
unwillingness to have sex
• Sabotage of birth control methods or refus-
al to honor agreed upon methods
• Blaming the victim for anything bad that
happens
• Sabotage or obstruction of the victim’s
ability to work or attend school
• Controls all the fi nances
• Abuse of other family members, children
or pets
• Accusations of the victim fl irting with oth-
ers or having an affair
• Control of what the victim wears and how
they act
• Demeaning the victim either privately or
publicly, may say “It was just a joke”
• Embarrassment or humiliation of the vic-
tim in front of others
• Harassment at work
Shelly Whale-Murphy, executive director
of Heart of Grant County added that “normal
marriages or relationships have normal dis-
agreements, but they’re worked out with love
and kindness, and that makes the difference
between an abusive relationship and a normal
relationship.”
The Eagle/Angel Carpenter
Heart of Grant County advocate Cindy Kalin, left, and executive director Shelly Whale-Murphy assist people who have been affected by domestic violence at their office in John Day.
ABUSE
Continued from Page A1
The most important
thing person can do when
someone shares their abuse,
Whale-Murphy said, is lis-
ten to the person and believe
what they say.
“It’s important to listen
and believe because many
times the perpetrator is seen
as a wonderful, kind, giving
person, which is part of their
manipulative scheme to hide
what they really do,” she
said.
They know that if they
go down the street to help
grandma pack in wood,
they’ll appear to be a nice
“
It’s important to listen and believe because many
times the perpetrator is seen as a wonderful,
kind, giving person, which is part of their
manipulative scheme to hide what they really do.”
Shelly Whale-Murphy
Heart of Grant County executive director
person, when they’re actu-
ally abusing their wife at
home, she said.
Meanwhile, the abused
lives a life “thinking no one
will believe them, which
propels them to hold the
secret longer, which means
they don’t get the help they
need,” she said. “By hold-
ing the secret longer, it just
makes it harder for her to
ADVOCATES
Continued from Page A1
program director Andrea Offi cer.
“They are really in denial of domes-
tic violence happening in rural com-
munities.”
Offi cer works alongside Kimber-
ly Neault, a victim intervention spe-
cialist, and Mike Durr, an investiga-
tor and forensic interviewer, for the
DA at the Grant County Courthouse
in Canyon City.
Offi cer said they are there to ex-
plain each part of the process as the
victim navigates the judicial system.
A no contact order is automatically
tell, and it continues to up-
hold his manipulative plan
— so, listening and believ-
ing is very important.”
If a friend or relative
of one experiencing abuse
has questions, they can call
Heart’s office.
“We don’t mind people
calling and asking ques-
tions,” she said.
However, to start the pro-
placed on any domestic violence as-
sault cases.
If the victim fears for their safety
and/or the safety of their children,
options for housing, transportation
and other forms of support from oth-
er agencies are explored.
Offi cer said they can also help the
victim acquire the documents need-
ed for restitution, including dam-
ages such as medical bills and loss
of wages due to injury — any out-
of-pocket receipts that are over and
above what any available insurance
will pay.
A personal call is made to the vic-
tim, notifying them of the arraign-
ment date; during an arraignment the
cess, the advocates at Heart
need to speak with the vic-
tim.
“A friend of a client
called and said ‘I’m going to
give them your phone num-
ber,’ and that’s a great start.”
Whale-Murphy said.
They can help the victim
develop a safety plan.
“Leaving is a process that
sometimes takes weeks and
defendant is notifi ed, in court, of the
charges they face.
Usually 30 days from arraign-
ment, a plea hearing is set.
“The DA and deputy DA (Mara
Houck) will discuss what their plea
offer will look like and get the vic-
tim’s input,” Offi cer said. “Then at
the plea hearing, if the defendant
takes the plea, they can go right into
sentencing, at which time the victim
has a chance to speak at sentencing
and share their feelings on how the
crime affected them.”
If the defendant pleads not
guilty, a trial date is set, and advo-
cates are present during the trial to
assist.
in some cases months,” she
said. “Our clients are wise
and innovative with their
safety practices. ... They’re
the ones that know what’s
best, and they know what
sets him off, and when the
safe time is to leave.”
Whale-Murphy said most
of the clients they help are
female, but services are
equally available to males.
She said that while
they’re not clinicians, they
are there to advocate for vic-
tims.
“We are there to help
them navigate their journey
to get free of violence in the
best way that we can with
the services we can offer,”
she said.
Neault added they’re there to of-
fer support.
“It’s not our job to be judgmental
of the situation,” she said. “If they’re
visiting us, it’s often because some-
thing bad has happened, and their
life has been turned upside-down.”
Offi cer said they try to offer vic-
tims tools and resources to move
forward.
“We hope that they come away
from their ordeal stronger and with
more faith in themselves for meet-
ing the challenges in their lives,” she
said. “It’s especially important for
families to understand that domestic
violence doesn’t just affect that indi-
vidual or family, it affects the whole
She said some people
don’t realize they’re in an
abusive situation.
“There are some things
we tell our clients: You do
not deserve what you are
living with. You are not
the cause of his behavior
— he intentionally chooses
to behave as he does,” she
said.
“If they choose to have
more contact with us, we
definitely become a strength
or a supporting factor in their
life,” Whale-Murphy said.
“We’re there to strengthen
and encourage them.”
Heart’s office number
is 541-575-4335 and their
emergency hotline is 541-
620-1342.
community and society.”
She added, “When men and wom-
en turn a blind eye to how women
are treated, it gives an attitude of
tolerance toward rape, assault and
domestic violence toward children,
which demoralizes the core of our
community.”
Neault said she enjoys being an
advocate.
“It’s a hard job, but I like that I’m
able to try to help,” she said.
“We like to encourage people,”
Offi cer said. “I like to encourage
people to be better.”
For more information, call Of-
fi cer at the DA’s offi ce at 541-575-
4026.