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About Cottage Grove sentinel. (Cottage Grove, Or.) 1909-current | View Entire Issue (Jan. 27, 2016)
10A COTTAGE GROVE SENTINEL January 27, 2016 Open contempt for those in better shape is the fi rst step to a healthier you L ike millions of Ameri- cans, I recently stripped down, prepared myself for the worst, and stepped onto the scale. Soon after, I retrieved the scale from the front yard and accepted the fact that, yes — it probably was defective. At my wife’s suggestion, I tried our neighbor’s scale. This led to the discovery that, of the 23 scales I tested within a fi ve-mile radius of our home, every single one was off by exactly 11 pounds. Being a journalist, I had to wonder: Was this a widespread problem? Were we being duped into needless exercise by faulty scales? I immediately brought this to the attention of my editor, who, realizing the implications, told me to stay out of his candy drawer. The truth is, I have no one but myself to blame for put- ting on these extra pounds. This is why, every year around this time, people just like me make a commitment to start going to the gym. I know this because I recognize most of these people from last year. We all have the same expression: grim deter- mination mixed with a sense of purpose in knowing that, after- ward, there’s a KFC right across the street. We come dressed with headbands and towels over our shoulders even though we spend most of our time wander- ing around the gym looking for water bottles. After making this realization, I was motivated to do things dif- ferently this time. Never again would I splash water on my face, then stand close enough to someone to appear as though we are workout partners. It was time to get serious about fi tness by accepting the fact that the closest I’ll ever get to having buns of steel is if I happen to leave the bread box open over- night. I’m nearly 50, married, and have three teenagers; what do I need washboard abs for when I know perfectly well that my wife gets more turned on by me doing the laundry? With these things in mind, I put together a list of goals that will motivate me because they’re actually achievable. First, buns of steel are out. Instead, I will settle for buns of aluminum foil; as long as they can hold their shape and don’t leak, I’m happy. Second, I understand that my metabolism is slowing down and, as a result, my body’s fuel- burning effi ciency is similar to a Humvee. Unless I’m careful, I will also weigh as much as a Humvee. Third, I will no longer waste my time comparing my body with anyone else’s, especially if theirs is better. This should make my workouts twice as pro- ductive since I will be avoiding eye contact with everyone else at the gym. And fi nally, I will stop using the scale as my measure of suc- cess. What’s the point, really? They’re all wrong anyway. (Ned is a syndicated colum- nist with News Media Corpo- ration. His book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available on- line at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at nedhick- son@icloud.com) $ PUUBHF ( SPWF 4 FOUJOFM South Lane County Relay for Life Kickoff Party When: Saturday, Feb. 6th, 2016 6:00-10:00 pm Where: The Elks Lodge, 755 N. River Rd. Coage Grove, OR 97424 5pm- Doors open 6pm- Music Starts and Dinner will be served 7pm- Mini Show; Dr. Delusion's Illusions Comedy Magic Show 7:30pm- Guest speakers will share their stories 8pm- Music will keep the party going unl 10pm x x x x x No door fee but donaons are strongly encouraged. Dinner is $5 per person which will include -Spaghe, Green Beans, Garlic Bread, and One Drink Dessert Raffle throughout the Evening; $1 per cket or 6 for $5 Photo Booth provided by Rising Phoenix Producons, $1 per photo strip. Free kids area for coloring and other acvies. Our Community Newspaper since 1889 Please register your team for the South Lane County Relay For Life prior to kickoff at www.relayforlife.org /cottagegroveor Or contact Sabina at sabinamjohnson88@gmail.com Subscribe and $AVE for more details Here’s My Card! Free Estimates 24 HOUR EMERGENCY SERVICE Residential & Commercial New Construction & Remodels www.alpineheating.org 541-942-8577 CCB#193586 BY NED HICKSON News Media Corporation Wendy Sue Benson Agency Owner Anchor Insurance Services Coffee the way it should be. Allstate Insurance Company 130 Gateway Blvd. Cottage Grove, OR 97424 Phone: 541-942-2605 Fax: 541-942-2885 wsuebenson@msn.com Stop inside and get... 50¢ OFF Any Drink 1220 East Main Street (Next to Darimart) JOSEPH OSBORN PLUMBING CCB#203071 RESIDENTIAL/COMMERCIAL Licensed/Bonded/Insured 541-999-7285 Office: 541-942-6899 Serving Cottage G & Surro rove unding Areas Expires 2/29/16 To advertise in our next business card directory, please call 541-942-3325 for more information.