10A COTTAGE GROVE SENTINEL January 27, 2016
Open contempt for
those in better shape
is the fi rst step to a
healthier you
L
ike millions of Ameri-
cans, I recently stripped
down, prepared myself for the
worst, and stepped onto the
scale. Soon after, I retrieved the
scale from the front yard and
accepted the fact that, yes — it
probably was defective. At my
wife’s suggestion, I tried our
neighbor’s scale. This led to the
discovery that, of the 23 scales I
tested within a fi ve-mile radius
of our home, every single one
was off by exactly 11 pounds.
Being a journalist, I had to
wonder: Was this a widespread
problem? Were we being duped
into needless exercise by faulty
scales?
I immediately brought this
to the attention of my editor,
who, realizing the implications,
told me to stay out of his candy
drawer.
The truth is, I have no one
but myself to blame for put-
ting on these extra pounds. This
is why, every year around this
time, people just like me make
a commitment to start going to
the gym. I know this because I
recognize most of these people
from last year. We all have the
same expression: grim deter-
mination mixed with a sense of
purpose in knowing that, after-
ward, there’s a KFC right across
the street. We come dressed
with headbands and towels over
our shoulders even though we
spend most of our time wander-
ing around the gym looking for
water bottles.
After making this realization,
I was motivated to do things dif-
ferently this time. Never again
would I splash water on my
face, then stand close enough
to someone to appear as though
we are workout partners. It was
time to get serious about fi tness
by accepting the fact that the
closest I’ll ever get to having
buns of steel is if I happen to
leave the bread box open over-
night.
I’m nearly 50, married, and
have three teenagers; what do
I need washboard abs for when
I know perfectly well that my
wife gets more turned on by me
doing the laundry?
With these things in mind,
I put together a list of goals
that will motivate me because
they’re actually achievable.
First, buns of steel are out.
Instead, I will settle for buns of
aluminum foil; as long as they
can hold their shape and don’t
leak, I’m happy.
Second, I understand that my
metabolism is slowing down
and, as a result, my body’s fuel-
burning effi ciency is similar to
a Humvee. Unless I’m careful,
I will also weigh as much as a
Humvee.
Third, I will no longer waste
my time comparing my body
with anyone else’s, especially
if theirs is better. This should
make my workouts twice as pro-
ductive since I will be avoiding
eye contact with everyone else
at the gym.
And fi nally, I will stop using
the scale as my measure of suc-
cess.
What’s the point, really?
They’re all wrong anyway.
(Ned is a syndicated colum-
nist with News Media Corpo-
ration. His book, Humor at the
Speed of Life, is available on-
line at Port Hole Publications,
Amazon Books and Barnes &
Noble. Write to him at nedhick-
son@icloud.com)
$ PUUBHF ( SPWF
4 FOUJOFM
South Lane County Relay for Life Kickoff Party
When: Saturday, Feb. 6th, 2016 6:00-10:00 pm
Where: The Elks Lodge, 755 N. River Rd.
Coage Grove, OR 97424
5pm- Doors open
6pm- Music Starts and Dinner will be served
7pm- Mini Show; Dr. Delusion's Illusions Comedy Magic Show
7:30pm- Guest speakers will share their stories
8pm- Music will keep the party going unl 10pm
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No door fee but donaons are strongly encouraged.
Dinner is $5 per person which will include
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$5
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