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About Cottage Grove sentinel. (Cottage Grove, Or.) 1909-current | View Entire Issue (Jan. 7, 2015)
8A COTTAGE GROVE SENTINEL January 7, 2015 Swearing-off caffeine has only led to one thing: more swearing BY NED HICKSON News Media Corporation T enough. I needed a replacement bever- age. While I briefl y entertained the idea of decaffeinated tea, I de- cided against it. Mostly because I can never fi gure out what to do with the tea bag once it’s done steeping. Do I throw it out? Save it? Put one over each eye and take a nap? The truth of the matter is, men are not “steepers.” A man wants to wake up, fi ll his mug with something close to 8,000 degrees Fahrenheit and imme- diately drink it. A man doesn’t have time for steeping. In fact, he hardly has time to get to the hospital after drinking his 8,000-degree beverage. This left me with three viable alternatives: 1) Hot chocolate 2) Some kind of soy drink that, according to the label, can be consumed either hot, cold or as a grilled patty, or 3) “Postum.” After reading the label on the hot chocolate canister, I realized that, based on my average daily hot-beverage consumption, re- placing coffee with hot choco- late would result in an estimated weight gain of just under 600 pounds in fi ve weeks. This, of course, would defeat having an excuse to leave my desk since I would no longer be able to fi t through the door of my house. I considered the soy-drink- patty-thing, but couldn’t get Beverage” is true. In fact, I’d kill for a coffee- drink-patty-thing right about now. Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications, Ama- zon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at nedhickson@ icloud.com $ PUUBHF ( SPWF 4 FOUJOFM Our Community Newspaper since 1889 Subscribe and $AVE n e p O w o N Home Of Mocha Mondays & Two Punch Tuesdays “The little blue box with the food that rocks” “Th e best in American comfort food.” Great Prices & two Drive-thru Windows to serve you New Owners, formally Gold Rush Espresso 541-942-7874 • 185 Thornton Lane Across from Wal-Mart next to Taco Bell Burgers, Philly Cheese Steaks, Salads, Fish & Chips, Jumbo Prawns, Soups, Chicken Breast Burgers, Chicken Strip Baskets, Tots, Fries and lots more! Call ahead for ready-to-go pick-up orders Mon-Sat 11am - 6pm Corner of 9th and Whitaker 541-968-1134 Hot-N-Ready Lunch Combo 11am-2pm EVERYDAY! $ 5 00 CARRY OUT ONLY PLUS TAX U only Country Donut Under new ownership COTTAGE GROVE’S BREWPUB NOW OPEN 10 TH & MAIN OPEN 7 DAYS • 541-942-3631 WWW.HARDKNOCKSBREWING.COM R G passed the idea of consuming something that can be referred to as the soy-drink-patty-thing. This left me with “Postum” as my morning beverage of choice. For those who are unfamiliar with this product, it is a coffee alternative that is completely caffeine free because it is made from “all natural” ingredients like wheat, corn, sea weed, yarn, tree bark, bone meal and simulated wood paneling, all of which is then ground up and allowed to “steep” before it is eventually freeze-dried to re- semble Taster’s Choice. I’ve been drinking it for a little over a week now, and it’s not all that bad. Still, I’m not convinced that Postum’s claim to be “The Truly Soothing Hot Grab a BITE of Cottage Grove I D E estaurant oday, like every day since the start of the New Year, I’ve abstained from my morn- ing cups of coffee — a decision I reached during a moment of weakness, sometime around midnight on New Year’s Eve. That’s when I vowed (after several glasses of champagne) to take better care of myself in 2015. While this decision has certainly made me a healthier person, it has also made me a crankier one. This is due in large part to the decaffeination process it- self, which can cause head- aches, drowsiness, constipation, Tourette’s syndrome and, in the case of Lizzy Borden, involun- tary manslaughter. After doing some research, I realized that there was more to beating this thing than just dealing with the physical crav- ing which, for someone who drinks coffee all day, is similar to the craving one might have for, say... Breathable air. I also had to take into account the mental aspect of my addic- tion — which is really about me having an excuse to leave my desk. On a good day, between coffee refi lls and trips to the bathroom, I can spend as little as eight minutes actually work- ing at my desk. Because of this, it was clear that conquering my physical addiction wouldn’t be Homemade Pizza ~ Lasagna ~ Spaghetti Everything made from scratch! NEW MENU!! WE DELIVER! 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