8A COTTAGE GROVE SENTINEL January 7, 2015
Swearing-off caffeine has only led to one thing: more swearing
BY NED HICKSON
News Media Corporation
T
enough.
I needed a replacement bever-
age.
While I briefl y entertained the
idea of decaffeinated tea, I de-
cided against it. Mostly because
I can never fi gure out what to do
with the tea bag once it’s done
steeping.
Do I throw it out? Save it?
Put one over each eye and take
a nap?
The truth of the matter is,
men are not “steepers.” A man
wants to wake up, fi ll his mug
with something close to 8,000
degrees Fahrenheit and imme-
diately drink it. A man doesn’t
have time for steeping. In fact,
he hardly has time to get to
the hospital after drinking his
8,000-degree beverage.
This left me with three viable
alternatives:
1) Hot chocolate
2) Some kind of soy drink
that, according to the label, can
be consumed either hot, cold or
as a grilled patty, or
3) “Postum.”
After reading the label on the
hot chocolate canister, I realized
that, based on my average daily
hot-beverage consumption, re-
placing coffee with hot choco-
late would result in an estimated
weight gain of just under 600
pounds in fi ve weeks. This, of
course, would defeat having an
excuse to leave my desk since
I would no longer be able to fi t
through the door of my house.
I considered the soy-drink-
patty-thing, but couldn’t get
Beverage” is true.
In fact, I’d kill for a coffee-
drink-patty-thing right about
now.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed
of Life,” is available online at
Port Hole Publications, Ama-
zon Books and Barnes & Noble.
Write to him at nedhickson@
icloud.com
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passed the idea of consuming
something that can be referred
to as the soy-drink-patty-thing.
This left me with “Postum” as
my morning beverage of choice.
For those who are unfamiliar
with this product, it is a coffee
alternative that is completely
caffeine free because it is made
from “all natural” ingredients
like wheat, corn, sea weed,
yarn, tree bark, bone meal and
simulated wood paneling, all
of which is then ground up and
allowed to “steep” before it is
eventually freeze-dried to re-
semble Taster’s Choice.
I’ve been drinking it for a
little over a week now, and it’s
not all that bad. Still, I’m not
convinced that Postum’s claim
to be “The Truly Soothing Hot
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oday, like every day since
the start of the New Year,
I’ve abstained from my morn-
ing cups of coffee — a decision
I reached during a moment of
weakness, sometime around
midnight on New Year’s Eve.
That’s when I vowed (after
several glasses of champagne)
to take better care of myself in
2015. While this decision has
certainly made me a healthier
person, it has also made me a
crankier one.
This is due in large part to
the decaffeination process it-
self, which can cause head-
aches, drowsiness, constipation,
Tourette’s syndrome and, in the
case of Lizzy Borden, involun-
tary manslaughter.
After doing some research,
I realized that there was more
to beating this thing than just
dealing with the physical crav-
ing which, for someone who
drinks coffee all day, is similar
to the craving one might have
for, say...
Breathable air.
I also had to take into account
the mental aspect of my addic-
tion — which is really about me
having an excuse to leave my
desk. On a good day, between
coffee refi lls and trips to the
bathroom, I can spend as little
as eight minutes actually work-
ing at my desk. Because of this,
it was clear that conquering my
physical addiction wouldn’t be
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