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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (June 17, 2017)
12 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, JUNE 17, 2017 Want to be a better father? Get a bigger grill Ned Hickson Tomorrow morning I will awaken to sizzle of bacon and eggs, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, and the shuffle of approaching feet as I lay in bed quietly thinking to myself, My God, my wife is leaving me. Then I’ll remember, Wait — It’s Father’s Day! A day when we fathers are revered for our wisdom, patience and, in a few rare instances, our neck- wear. For one whole day I’ll be the perfect father since my wife will be handling every- thing for me. She does this to help me relax and enjoy my special day. The problem is, it's hard to relax when, by handling everything herself, my wife makes it clear I could be replaced by a dishwasher and a few extra power cords. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I am still left with “The Grilling of Food” as my main contribution to our family. I have managed to keep this duty the way most men do, by making the task of grilling appear as complicated and miserable as possible, even if it means faking a heat stroke while grilling pre-cooked hot dogs. I realize there are many new fathers who have made them- selves indispensable during the diaper-changing phase. Just remember: your indis- pensability in this area — much like this morning's tight- ly-wrapped dooty — will eventually disappear into the Diaper Genie. That’s when grilling even the simplest things, such as a bratwurst, should be made to look as difficult as possible. To do this, you’ll need a large grill. The bigger the bet- ter. In fact, if a hibachi is your main grilling source, go now, hop into your vehicle, and accidentally back over your hibachi several times and replace it with something more practical. And, practically speaking, we're talking a grill roughly the size of a Prius. Why? You need a large cooking surface so that you can con- vincingly spray down flames and battle for control over a raging inferno that, if not for your grilling skill, would quickly consume everyone's bratwurst — and quite possi- bly the world. Unless you are highly expe- rienced in pyrotechnics, or live near an open gas line, try- ing to produce this same effect on a hibachi is very difficult. Once you have your giant grill, you’ll need to keep a spray bottle handy. Your wife will assume it’s to prevent charring. This is partially true. But mostly you’ll be using it to spray on your face and body to appear as though you are perspiring when, in fact, you are frequently supple- menting any loss of body fluid with liberal amounts of ice- cold beer hidden behind the grill. Independent Owner/Operator Florence Grocery Outlet www.hobergsautorepair.com 1SPEVDFt%BJSZ%FMJ )FBMUI#FBVUZ 'SP[FO'PPETt'SFTI.FBU )PVTFXBSFTt#FFS8JOF 0SHBOJD/BUVSBM'PPETBOENVDINPSF 345 Hwy. 101 • P.O. Box 357 Florence, OR 97439-0012 541-997-2413 We have ample RV parking! FOR P RESS R ELEASES I S E VERY M ONDAY AND Write to Ned Hickson at nedhickson@ icloud.com or c/o Siuslaw News, 148 Maple St., Florence, Ore. 97439 Complete Auto Repair Woody Woodbury D EADLINE grill, both hands gripped tight- ly around the handle of his 50- pound spatula as he devoutly retrieves the evening meal. Sure, this may sound like a lot of effort; you could fold clothes instead. But the effort is worth it when it comes to family. Besides, it’s really hard to keep beer cold when it’s hid- den in the laundry. Cel e 70 brati Yea ng rs! Hoberg’s 2066 Highway 101, Florence 541-997-0343 Lastly, you should purchase a special, custom-made spatu- la that is so enormous and so heavy it can only be wielded with two hands. This will make the grilling process appear even more difficult by requiring a “spotter” every time you flip someone's burg- er. Put all of this together — spray bottle, giant grill, two- handed spatula — and you’ll have the dramatic image you want, which is that of a sweat- stained father staggering in and out of the flames of his Kevin McMullen 3rd Generation Owner hobergsautorepair@gmail.com Serving Your Auto Needs Since 1945 T HURSDAY BY N OON . E MAIL P RESS R ELEASES @T HE S IUSLAW N EWS . COM . A weekly roundup of shopping, savings and doings around town. $7,000 PRICE REDUCTION Vanessa West, Broker 6 Acres MLS# 17203339, $81,000 Windermere/ Florence Real Estate 3757 Hwy 101, Suite A Florence, OR 97439 90600 INDIAN CREEK RD, Swisshome Enjoy this little piece of paradise! Th is 6 acre property has many possibilities; build your dream home, private campsite, or harvest timber and replant. Only 7 miles to gas station, market, tavern, and Post Offi ce. Owners split the 9 acre lot into 2 Legal Lots, LL1 is the lot for sale (about 6 acres). Check with Lane County about building possibilities. GPS is wrong. Hwy 36, mile marker 11, Indian Creek rd, 4.4 miles, look for signs. Hearing solutions made personal Windermere Real Estate / Lane County Cel1: (541)999-9778 • Offi ce:(541)997-5926 • Fax: (541)997-5992 vwest@windermere.com • vanessawest.withwre.com DID YOU KNOW? I WILL HEAR BETTER THIS YEAR • Full Diagnostic Hearing Testing • Hearing Aid Fitting, Repair, and Service • The Only Doctors of Audiology in Florence Call Today to Schedule Your Appointment 541.991.4475 We are the only Doctors of Audiology in Florence. FLORENCE 1525 12th St, Ste 2 HEARING ASSOCIATES of Florence HearingAssociatesOfFlorence.com Scott C. Anderson, Au.D. Steven G. Anderson, Au.D. CALL US TODAY TO SCHEDULE YOUR APPOINTMENT 541.991.4475 1625 12th Street | Florence, Oregon 541-997-5926 windermere.com Florence • 1525 12th St, Ste 2 HearingAssociatesOfFlorence.com HEARING ASSOCIATES of Florence
