12 A
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, JUNE 17, 2017
Want to be a better father? Get a bigger grill
Ned
Hickson
Tomorrow morning I will
awaken to sizzle of bacon and
eggs, the aroma of freshly
brewed coffee, and the shuffle
of approaching feet as I lay in
bed quietly thinking to myself,
My God, my wife is leaving
me.
Then I’ll remember, Wait —
It’s Father’s Day! A day when
we fathers are revered for our
wisdom, patience and, in a
few rare instances, our neck-
wear. For one whole day I’ll
be the perfect father since my
wife will be handling every-
thing for me. She does this to
help me relax and enjoy my
special day.
The problem is, it's hard to
relax when, by handling
everything herself, my wife
makes it clear I could be
replaced by a dishwasher and
a few extra power cords.
Okay, that’s not entirely
true.
I am still left with “The
Grilling of Food” as my main
contribution to our family. I
have managed to keep this
duty the way most men do, by
making the task of grilling
appear as complicated and
miserable as possible, even if
it means faking a heat stroke
while grilling pre-cooked hot
dogs.
I realize there are many new
fathers who have made them-
selves indispensable during
the diaper-changing phase.
Just remember: your indis-
pensability in this area —
much like this morning's tight-
ly-wrapped dooty — will
eventually disappear into the
Diaper Genie.
That’s when grilling even
the simplest things, such as a
bratwurst, should be made to
look as difficult as possible.
To do this, you’ll need a
large grill. The bigger the bet-
ter. In fact, if a hibachi is your
main grilling source, go now,
hop into your vehicle, and
accidentally back over your
hibachi several times and
replace it with something
more practical.
And, practically speaking,
we're talking a grill roughly
the size of a Prius.
Why?
You need a large cooking
surface so that you can con-
vincingly spray down flames
and battle for control over a
raging inferno that, if not for
your grilling skill, would
quickly consume everyone's
bratwurst — and quite possi-
bly the world.
Unless you are highly expe-
rienced in pyrotechnics, or
live near an open gas line, try-
ing to produce this same effect
on a hibachi is very difficult.
Once you have your giant
grill, you’ll need to keep a
spray bottle handy. Your wife
will assume it’s to prevent
charring. This is partially true.
But mostly you’ll be using
it to spray on your face and
body to appear as though you
are perspiring when, in fact,
you are frequently supple-
menting any loss of body fluid
with liberal amounts of ice-
cold beer hidden behind the
grill.
Independent Owner/Operator
Florence Grocery Outlet
www.hobergsautorepair.com
1SPEVDFt%BJSZ%FMJ
)FBMUI#FBVUZ
'SP[FO'PPETt'SFTI.FBU
)PVTFXBSFTt#FFS8JOF
0SHBOJD/BUVSBM'PPETBOENVDINPSF
345 Hwy. 101 • P.O. Box 357
Florence, OR 97439-0012
541-997-2413
We have ample RV parking!
FOR
P RESS R ELEASES I S E VERY M ONDAY
AND
Write to Ned Hickson at
nedhickson@ icloud.com or
c/o Siuslaw News, 148 Maple St.,
Florence, Ore. 97439
Complete Auto Repair
Woody Woodbury
D EADLINE
grill, both hands gripped tight-
ly around the handle of his 50-
pound spatula as he devoutly
retrieves the evening meal.
Sure, this may sound like a
lot of effort; you could fold
clothes instead.
But the effort is worth it
when it comes to family.
Besides, it’s really hard to
keep beer cold when it’s hid-
den in the laundry.
Cel
e
70 brati
Yea ng
rs!
Hoberg’s
2066 Highway 101, Florence
541-997-0343
Lastly, you should purchase
a special, custom-made spatu-
la that is so enormous and so
heavy it can only be wielded
with two hands. This will
make the grilling process
appear even more difficult by
requiring a “spotter” every
time you flip someone's burg-
er.
Put all of this together —
spray bottle, giant grill, two-
handed spatula — and you’ll
have the dramatic image you
want, which is that of a sweat-
stained father staggering in
and out of the flames of his
Kevin McMullen
3rd Generation Owner
hobergsautorepair@gmail.com
Serving Your Auto Needs Since 1945
T HURSDAY
BY
N OON . E MAIL P RESS R ELEASES @T HE S IUSLAW N EWS . COM .
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