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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (March 25, 2017)
10 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, MARCH 25, 2017 ‘Bathroom rage’ could soon clog our court system Ned Hickson Several years ago I came up with an idea while stand- ing in line for the rest room, which, in this case, was actu- ally a row of six portable toi- lets set up to meet the needs of approximately 8,000 men, women and children, each of whom had apparently con- sumed two or more 128- ounce Big Gulps in the previ- ous 20 minutes. They say necessity is the mother of invention. Which is why, as I stood waiting with my legs crossed, I had a revo- lutionary idea I call the “Rodeo Commode.” Like other commodes, it provides users with a private and sanitary environment in which to complete their bodi- ly functions. However, unlike ordinary commodes, the “Rodeo Commode” allows a person just eight seconds before the doors fly open and, finished or not, they are bucked out of the stall by a hydraulic system similar to a mechanical bull — including, if necessary, spinning a full 360 degrees in order to dis- lodge even the most experi- enced riders in the “Rodeo Commode” circuit. Unfortunately, just like my idea for an all-commercial Garage Doors cable channel (allowing view- ers to tune in and leave the room as often as they like without worrying if they missed anything), the “Rodeo Commode” was met with skepticism by my list of potential investors — i.e., several plumbers I know who have daily contact with pipe dope. As it turns out, I was sim- ply ahead of my time. I know this because of a new social phenomenon experts are call- ing “bathroom rage,” where- in, much like “road rage,” a confrontation between two strangers quickly escalates into a potentially dangerous situation. In the restroom. The big difference here is that you won't be traveling in excess of 60 mph while sit- ting on a commode. And if you are, you have a right be angry. Especially if someone cuts you off. According to the New Haven Register in Stratford, Conn., police charged Andres Diaz and Joseph Augusto with breach of peace follow- ing a confrontation in a Burger King restroom that started when Diaz apparently “took too long.” Augusto, who was waiting to use the commode, was enraged when Diaz emerged from the stall with a copy of “War and Peace.” Okay, I made that last part up. But the two men did get into a fight over how long Diaz was in the bathroom after Augusto confronted him about it. That’s when, accord- ing to the police report, “The two men allegedly bumped chests, then chased each other around the restaurant with their weapons — Augusto with a small pocket knife, and Diaz brandishing a Burger King straw dispenser.” The restaurant chain refused to comment on the incident other than to say it was “unfortunate.” Following the advice of its lawyers, Burger King has now adopted a strict new policy of making straws “only available on request.” This, my friends, is “bath- room rage” rearing its ugly head and, in a matter of speaking, slurping out of society's collective soda cup. What if Diaz had grabbed a toilet paper dispenser instead? My point is we could end this madness right now, before some unfortunate teenager is hired to hand out allotted squares of bath tissue. With the help of a small investment in my “Rodeo Commode,” there’s no need for us to take “bathroom rage” sitting down. Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. Write to him at nedhickson@ icloud.com BUD’S UPHOLSTERY Boat Tops & Cars sales • installation • repair alumium • steel • wood • fi berglass • vinyl Give us a call today for a free estimate. We promise fast, friendly service and great rates! MIKE BARRETT’S GARAGE DOORS Florence • 541-991-0367 • Complete Auto & Boat Interiors • Canvas Work 10 am-6 pm Mon-Sat. Be ready for Summer. We’re booking appointments now! Florence, OR CCB#195304 4981 Hwy. 101, Complex B 541-997-4856 Over 41 yrs Experien ce CCB# 79598 Get Results...List With Melody. Melody Beaudro Principal Broker 541 991-2151 Woody Woodbury 2066 Highway 101, Florence 541-997-0343 2285 Highway 101 • Florence, OR 97439 (541) 997-8866 Independent Owner/Operator Florence Grocery Outlet 1SPEVDFt%BJSZ%FMJ )FBMUI#FBVUZ 'SP[FO'PPETt'SFTI.FBU )PVTFXBSFTt#FFS8JOF 0SHBOJD/BUVSBM'PPETBOENVDINPSF 87896 Limpit Ln – Custom built 2004, 3 bdrm, 2 bath, 1765 sqft home has white marble tiles in the guest bath, imported kitchen tile counter- tops and bay windows. Oak floor entry with skylight and chandelier. Fully landscaped with back deck. $349,000. #2626-16355103 We have ample RV parking! 1749 Highway 101 • 541-997-1200 CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK We sell and install all types of garage doors, as well as garage door openers.
