10 A
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ SATURDAY, MARCH 25, 2017
‘Bathroom rage’ could soon clog our court system
Ned
Hickson
Several years ago I came
up with an idea while stand-
ing in line for the rest room,
which, in this case, was actu-
ally a row of six portable toi-
lets set up to meet the needs
of approximately 8,000 men,
women and children, each of
whom had apparently con-
sumed two or more 128-
ounce Big Gulps in the previ-
ous 20 minutes.
They say necessity is the
mother of invention. Which is
why, as I stood waiting with
my legs crossed, I had a revo-
lutionary idea I call the
“Rodeo Commode.”
Like other commodes, it
provides users with a private
and sanitary environment in
which to complete their bodi-
ly functions. However, unlike
ordinary commodes, the
“Rodeo Commode” allows a
person just eight seconds
before the doors fly open and,
finished or not, they are
bucked out of the stall by a
hydraulic system similar to a
mechanical bull — including,
if necessary, spinning a full
360 degrees in order to dis-
lodge even the most experi-
enced riders in the “Rodeo
Commode” circuit.
Unfortunately, just like my
idea for an all-commercial
Garage Doors
cable channel (allowing view-
ers to tune in and leave the
room as often as they like
without worrying if they
missed anything), the “Rodeo
Commode” was met with
skepticism by my list of
potential investors — i.e.,
several plumbers I know who
have daily contact with pipe
dope.
As it turns out, I was sim-
ply ahead of my time. I know
this because of a new social
phenomenon experts are call-
ing “bathroom rage,” where-
in, much like “road rage,” a
confrontation between two
strangers quickly escalates
into a potentially dangerous
situation.
In the restroom.
The big difference here is
that you won't be traveling in
excess of 60 mph while sit-
ting on a commode. And if
you are, you have a right be
angry. Especially if someone
cuts you off.
According to the New
Haven Register in Stratford,
Conn., police charged Andres
Diaz and Joseph Augusto
with breach of peace follow-
ing a confrontation in a
Burger King restroom that
started when Diaz apparently
“took too long.”
Augusto, who was waiting
to use the commode, was
enraged when Diaz emerged
from the stall with a copy of
“War and Peace.”
Okay, I made that last part
up. But the two men did get
into a fight over how long
Diaz was in the bathroom
after Augusto confronted him
about it. That’s when, accord-
ing to the police report, “The
two men allegedly bumped
chests, then chased each other
around the restaurant with
their weapons — Augusto
with a small pocket knife, and
Diaz brandishing a Burger
King straw dispenser.”
The restaurant chain
refused to comment on the
incident other than to say it
was “unfortunate.” Following
the advice of its lawyers,
Burger King has now adopted
a strict new policy of making
straws “only available on
request.”
This, my friends, is “bath-
room rage” rearing its ugly
head and, in a matter of
speaking, slurping out of
society's collective soda cup.
What if Diaz had grabbed a
toilet paper dispenser instead?
My point is we could end
this madness right now,
before some unfortunate
teenager is hired to hand out
allotted squares of bath tissue.
With the help of a small
investment in my “Rodeo
Commode,” there’s no need
for us to take “bathroom
rage” sitting down.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
Write to him at nedhickson@
icloud.com
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